DD with PDD-NOS having tough time making female friends

[innerkitten]

This is long.

I'm sure I mentioned it here when my DD got a diagnosis of PDD-NOS. For those of you that don't know what that is it's a pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified. Most, maybe even all people with that diagnosis have some behaviors on the autistic spectrum but not enough to get a diagnosis of typical autism or aspergers. Many are high functioning. My DD is very high functioning. People don't know that she has PDD-NOS unless I tell them. They generally think she's a just hyper and a drama queen. But actually she has sensory problems that get in the way of a lot of things for her a tough time making friends with her peers.

She is in kindergarten and gets special services. She's in a small class just for high functioning kids her age and in another class with the general kindergarten class for recess, lunch P.E. art social studies etc. It's the only program in the city for high functioning children and the only integrated class like it I've ever heard of. An amazing program, and my DD is really thriving and loves school. We are thankful everyday for this program. And I am proud to say that her teacher calls her one of the star students. That sure was not true in pre k but with help DD has come a long way and we are no longer seeing the behavior issues she once had.

Anyway this year she finally started to make some real friends with some of the boys in her little group of high functioning students ( she's the only girl). She also plays soccer at recess sometimes with the boys in the general kindergarten class. She likes boys so the fact that all her friends are boys hasn't been an issue till recently. She's started to want to make friends with the girls at her school but isn't having much luck. She's not shy about asking them to play according to her teacher but they don't really want to include her. She told me today she went around to some of the girls and most of them didn't want to play with her. When she finally found one that did the other girls ( friends of the one that said yes) didn't want to include my DD. Making female friends seems to be a real challenge for her. Does anyone have any advice?

 

[distracts]

I don't, really, but did want to add that I had mostly male friends up until high school and I turned out just fine. I'm 25 now and about half of my friends are male and half female. When I was young, it seemed like boys were more willing to make friends with people who were "different" and girls were more cliquish and exclusionary. I'd just be sure not to pressure her about needing female friends - friends are friends whether they are boys or girls, and that she has them is what matters.

Though if she likes soccer, maybe she could join a girls soccer team after school? That would give her a group of girls with whom she has similar interests.

 

[MissStepcut]

Do you know any of the moms of the girls? Have you tried play dates in the past? Even without developmental hurdles, it can be hard to break into new circles of friends. Taking kids out of their routine and onto a different turf (possibly with structured play like, say, bowling) could possibly help her develop a relationship with some other girls. My baby brother has been "the new kid" at two different schools, and we used play dates to help him break in.

 

[movie zombie]

[quote="distracts|1334372589|3170678........Though if she likes soccer, maybe she could join a girls soccer team after school? That would give her a group of girls with whom she has similar interests.[/quote]

liking this suggestion.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Hopefully she will spend more and more time in the regular classroom so that she will spend more time with the girls in the class. But I really agree with the suggestion to find her some after school activity that might include some girls her age whether it be sports, scouts, etc.

 

[Enerchi]

I'm also in agreement with involving your daughter in a girls based after school/weekend club of some sort. Besides soccer, is there another team sport she might enjoy exploring? The more exposure to a variety of sports and teams, helps foster cooperative behaviour for all, so she 'd have more exposure to a lot of teams....

Hope you find something that she's interested in!

 

[yennyfire]

My son is in first grade and I am the room Mom, so I spend a lot of time in the classroom. To be honest, I've been shocked by how catty and exclusionary a lot of the girls are. I figured that kind of behavior didn't occut until they were older. What I'm saying is, that I think that these kids excluding your daughter is just girls being mean (sad, but true). I don't think it's because they perceive her as "different" in any way.

I love the idea of a girls soccer team and having a couple one on one playdates. Maybe you could ask the teacher who she thinks would be a good friend for your daughter? What about Daisy's (pre-Girl Scouts) or another activity that might interest your daughter?

 

[Mayk]

Girls are "so" mean... my daughter has also had her challenges and about to deal with a new one... A Scoliosis brace.. She has ADHD and the hyper in that diagnosis often made it difficult for her to make friends. She is 13 almost 14. She spent her elementary years mostly hanging out with the teachers on the playground or with a girl with diabetes that could only play card/board games. 6th grade was awful and then in 7th where I think every girl starts to have awkward moments things started to change. I just did my best to keep her busy, she found the love of reading... And when she didn't get invited to birthday parties I filled her weekends with family activities and fun. I am a working mom so often I wasn't included in the play groups... Because i didnt have the time to get to know people But we worked through it together and she now how a few close friends.. So patience is my suggestion... I would always to pray for "one" friend for her.. When my prayers were answered....they seemed to multiply. While she will tell me... "mom, I'm not a popular girl" I know she's a good girl and really...that is so much more important. My daughter is one day going to be a strong young woman and stronger from her struggles.

 

[Enerchi]

Girls are "so" mean... my daughter has also had her challenges and about to deal with a new one... A Scoliosis brace.. She has ADHD and the hyper in that diagnosis often made it difficult for her to make friends. She is 13 almost 14. She spent her elementary years mostly hanging out with the teachers on the playground or with a girl with diabetes that could only play card/board games. 6th grade was awful and then in 7th where I think every girl starts to have awkward moments things started to change. I just did my best to keep her busy, she found the love of reading... And when she didn't get invited to birthday parties I filled her weekends with family activities and fun. I am a working mom so often I wasn't included in the play groups... Because i didnt have the time to get to know people But we worked through it together and she now how a few close friends.. So patience is my suggestion... I would always to pray for "one" friend for her.. When my prayers were answered....they seemed to multiply. While she will tell me... "mom, I'm not a popular girl" I know she's a good girl and really...that is so much more important. My daughter is one day going to be a strong young woman and stronger from her struggles.

Oh Mayk! That is both heart wrenching and so touching at the same time! HUGS to you and your DD

 

[packrat]

I would do the previous suggestions of something after school that is girl-based. How many girls are in the class? I don't know how easy it would be to do in your area (we live in such a small town it's no problem..) but I would make up cute invitations and send them to school w/your daughter for the teacher to hand out (and a note for the teacher or email/call her so she knows what they're for) for say..a "tea party" or something fun/girly at your house. Even if one girl comes, that's a foundation to start getting acquainted.

London's in dance one day a week during the school year. Her class is small, but all girls in her grade, and that has helped her feel more comfortable w/the girls in school. This is her third year of it and she loooves it.

When London was in preschool, when I'd visit, she rarely played w/the girls, always one specific boy and she always talked about him. She was only at preschool 2 1/2 hours a day and w/all the activities they do, it seemed hard for her to form bonds--plus, a lot of the girls I figured out, from listening to them talk and from playing w/them there, had been in daycare etc together and knew each other outside of preschool. London was never in daycare. When she started Kindergarten, the boy was in her class and he and another boy were pretty much all she talked about. I waited w/her every day in line outside before school started and would chit chat w/the girls, finding out that I "knew" some of the parents (one girl's mom and I took prenatal classes together and the girl was born on my birthday-and her Uncle and I went to school together) and the kids got a kick out of that. I started going to the school once a month to have lunch w/London and then I'd stay for recess afterward. The first time around they just kind of looked at me all subdued during lunch..and then at recess I played with them. After that, it was a race to see who could jump up and say "I'm sitting by London's mom" first when I'd walk in for lunch. I still go every month, and she's in 2nd grade now. So if your schedule is maneuverable, maybe you could do something like that when your daughter is w/the general class?

Also..I know little girls are catty, but I wonder sometimes if it's a case of familiarity. London had a new girl in school last year and she said she never played w/her, and when I asked why, she said "Because I always play w/This One and That One". It just never occurred to her to invite someone else. So at home, we played a pretend game of "new girl" to see what it would be like to not really know anyone and be too shy to ask to play, or to have someone tell us no if we did ask. They did start playing together and she even came to London's birthday party that year-but then they moved away again right after that. I felt so bad for her.

I hope it gets turned around for your little girl. It hurts to not be included.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I wouldn't have a birthday party at home. I'd be afraid no one would come, and then you and she would feel terrible. But, I might try a little party of sorts at school. Girls can be bought by bling and clothes, so a dress up party or a makeup party, or a fake tatoo party.. Maybe she will become the cool kid with the cool mom.. Maybe a beach party, with turtles and fish. Amyway Id keep it in school for now.

Love the girls sports team idea. Annette

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

Either after school sports or see if she would like to start Brownies.

 

[swingirl]

My suggestion is to find some female activities on Saturday. Ballet, tap, gymnastics. Something where she will be in close proximity to other girls. Outdoor sports are fine but the kids are not really "together". In a class she might end up meeting girls who are a little older or younger in an environment where age or academics are not apparent. From what I remember about elementary school, everyone knew what grade you were in and whether or not you had any issues. Kids seem to pick up on that stuff.

Good luck. I know it's so painful to see our kids struggle.

 

[innerkitten]

The girl scouts and girls soccer are good ideas. Why hadn't I thought of that? Probably a good place to start. Thank you for all the suggestions.

 

[Pandora II]

I'm so sorry.

Little girls can be nasty little creatures at a very early age. The boys tend to be more of 'okay, you'll do' and that is it, you are a friend. The girls are constantly re-evaluating and judging as well as the whole best friends thing. My DD isn't even 3 and I see it going on at nursery and in the things she says to me... 'you're not my friend anymore' etc. Girls also seem to react far worse to 'difference' than boys do.

Out of school activities sounds like a great place to start. I would be wary about parties at home or in trying to 'buy' the other kids friendship - first it won't work and could even make things worse.

Good luck.

 

[movie zombie]

and art classes!

is there anything at the science museum in the park? classes that she might be interested in?

 

[innerkitten]

and art classes!

is there anything at the science museum in the park? classes that she might be interested in?

I'm looking around. You'd think S.F. would have tons of classes and things to do right? I found a soccer team through park and rec but it's too early to sign up for summer and I might be able to get her into a local music class ( she loves to sing and play music). Contacted the girl scouts but haven't heard back yet.

 

[innerkitten]

We went to a birthday party yesterday and my DD was the only girl ( again)

I don't think it would be easy to get in touch with the parents of the girls in the class that my DD is in for part of the day anyway( wow long sentence). Most of them are picked up by there grandparents and a lot of them (while they are friendly and smile at me a lot) don't speak much English. DDs school is 70% Chinese because it's located right near Chinatown.

OT: It's kind of weird but in San Francisco many of us don't go to neighborhood schools. It's a strange system here. We apply to our top favorite 10 schools which can be all over the city and then cross our fingers. Luckily we got into a great school. I love the principal, the students, the teachers , and the program that my daughters in. But the downside it's across the city and it takes 40 minutes door to door. There is no parking around there except metered parking. Thank goodness for the school bus! I only pick her up two afternoons a week.

 

[movie zombie]

doesn't the de Young and SFMOMA do "kids" events?

i also think there is something through the SF film society.

i'm betting your daughter gets along well with the boys because she has more assertive behaviors. this will serve her well later. admittedly, i found it easier to be friends with boys, too, and that remains true to this day. sad in some ways but not in others.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Yeah, my advice is to volunteer at the school and start making friends with the moms, then you arrange playdates. That way your DD will have an opportunity to play with the girls outside of school and away from the overstimulation. Does your school have a directory of email/phone numbers? You can always talk to DD's teacher and have her give your info to certain other moms...but still, the best way is to get to know the moms.

Just a heads-up...the transition from Kindergarten to 1st is like starting over. Since some kids go half-day and others go full-day, when the kids are all mixed together, most don't know each other so it can be a tough year for many children. Again, volunteering in class and at parties, etc., helps promote socilalization.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

We went to a birthday party yesterday and my DD was the only girl ( again)

I don't think it would be easy to get in touch with the parents of the girls in the class that my DD is in for part of the day anyway( wow long sentence). Most of them are picked up by there grandparents and a lot of them (while they are friendly and smile at me a lot) don't speak much English. DDs school is 70% Chinese because it's located right near Chinatown.

OT: It's kind of weird but in San Francisco many of us don't go to neighborhood schools. It's a strange system here. We apply to our top favorite 10 schools which can be all over the city and then cross our fingers. Luckily we got into a great school. I love the principal, the students, the teachers , and the program that my daughters in. But the downside it's across the city and it takes 40 minutes door to door. There is no parking around there except metered parking. Thank goodness for the school bus! I only pick her up two afternoons a week.

Okay, I read this after posting. This is all the more reason to volunteer IN CLASS when she is in there (because next year she may be with those kids all day!). Everyone just wants to get their kids/grandkids and go for the day, so by going into class you can meet moms. Also, is there a PTA or anything like that? Not sure about your school, but often schools have regular days you can come in and volunteer for reading in class.

Get some advice from her teacher. I've asked my kids teachers in the past for recommendations and also which kids my kids didn't get along with so I didn't have to worry about there being a bad situation.

 

[distracts]

My son is in first grade and I am the room Mom, so I spend a lot of time in the classroom. To be honest, I've been shocked by how catty and exclusionary a lot of the girls are. I figured that kind of behavior didn't occut until they were older.

From time I've spent with young children (assistant teaching at dance/martial arts), mean-girlness seems to start at 3-4 (generally the younger age if they have older siblings or spend lots of time with older children) and is well-entrenched and obvious at 5. Most of them definitely learned it from their parents, but some of them are just mean out of nowhere (or else their parents are better at disguising it).

 

[Imdanny]

No, I don't have any advice. I would like to say that I would be careful to consider this diagnosis very seriously as I'm sure you have but also to take such a diagnosis, um, how do I say, not as some kind of "absolute truth" but more as a sort of description that may fit your DD, at this time. As much as it pains me to say this, psychiatrists and psychologists very often make a "wrong" diagnosis. And any two can come up with completely different diagnoses. This isn't an occasional happening. It's routine. A "NOS" diagnosis is particularly "easy" to settle on for them. Please understand that I am not contradicting what has been said, just saying that you should always be the final arbiter of whether you think a diagnosis is correct. Of course you can simply read the diagnostic and statistical manual yourself. It's written in plain English. It's actually very easy to read. I think most laypeople might be surprised how much this is not an "exact science" and the pressures that these professionals, for various different reasons, can be under when they give diagnoses.

 

[VRBeauty]

IK - I'm so sorry your daughter is dealing with this! I don't have anything to add, but I think others are on the right path in suggesting that you look for activity-based options for interacting with other girls.

 

[partgypsy]

"don't think it would be easy to get in touch with the parents of the girls in the class that my DD is in for part of the day anyway( wow long sentence). Most of them are picked up by there grandparents and a lot of them (while they are friendly and smile at me a lot) don't speak much English. DDs school is 70% Chinese because it's located right near Chinatown."

I think this at your daughter's age may be a bigger hurdle than developmental delays. The other girls' parents and children may know each other, while you don't know the girls' parents. My youngest will often ask for playdates with a particular child, unless we know the parents it is hard to just ask. Sometimes it works out if we are going to/from school and we see the parent and child and bring it up, otherwise I'm not sure of a good way to do these things. Some of the most "popular" girls in the class seem to be one with parents highly involved in the PTA; they basically know all the parents and kids and it makes it easier.

I also like the idea of girl's soccer team or other girl oriented activities.