Curse of the diamond?

[solitairemission]

Bought a loose stone. Working on setting. No timetable for proposal, but it is supposed to be next year.

Since buying the stone, I seem to be bickering more with my GF. I've become hypersensitive about stuff. She remains consistent -- I seem to have higher expectations of her and our relationship. I've also become needy. I'm trying to snap out of it. She knew that I bought the rock, which she reacted to with excitement. We had already looked at rings together several times before.

Not sure if I am just experiencing jitters or I'm seeing her in a different light now. Trying to be patient.

Is this story familiar to anyone?

 

[movie zombie]

commitment anxiety?

 

[mastercut]

A ring is often an impulse for both. The impulse that moves things in our mind ahead.
Just be sure whether or not you really want to spend your life with her. And if not answer yourself why. If yes do the same.
If the answer is yes and the reasons are good, just stay patient and do not hurry the thing up in any direction.

 

[solitairemission]

Just be sure whether or not you really want to spend your life with her. And if not answer yourself why. If yes do the same.
If the answer is yes and the reasons are good, just stay patient and do not hurry the thing up in any direction.

Good advice . thanks. what's my co-pay?

 

[mastercut]

Just be sure whether or not you really want to spend your life with her. And if not answer yourself why. If yes do the same.
If the answer is yes and the reasons are good, just stay patient and do not hurry the thing up in any direction.

Good advice . thanks. what's my co-pay?

You know, your story is very familiar to me... I was in a very similar situation a couple of years ago and had similar feelings. The relationship ended after some time... and now I see clearly it was the best turnout for me (I did feel it different that time).
The most important thing to save is the health, your nerves. It is very difficult to stay calm and patient sometimes...
You know a diamond ring is sometimes a catalyst for the relationship in either way. And believe me that´s not bad.

 

[pregcurious]

Are you putting your GF into a position where she feels like all the decision about getting married is up to you and she is powerless? I think drawing out a proposal is kind of like dangling something in front of someone. I think that's why surprise or quick proposals work well. I had a surprise proposal over a decade ago and have a hard time understanding involving the woman too much in a proposal. Involving her in choosing a setting after a proposal seems like a better solution to giving her a ring she wants.

At the same time, if you are having issues before marriage, the marriage will not solve things. I think it would help for you think about if the diamond is the root of the problems, or if they're things you already knew about. No person is going to be perfect, but you have to be able to work together to have a successful marriage. It's the most important decision you can make.

 

[mrs jam]

I think your anxiety right now should ring some warning bells for you. It sounds like you aren't quite ready. I think that if you were truly ready to take this step, you would be feeling much differently. An impending proposal/engagement should give you a sense of excitement, not ambivalence. Don't rush into things til you figure this one out!

 

[chemgirl]

Sounds a bit like the sweater curse!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweater_curse

The sweater curse kicks in when somebody knits their significant other a sweater. If you're not married, the idea is that you'll break up in a few months after finishing the sweater!

Not suggesting that you're going to break up, but the principal is the same. Knitting somebody a sweater takes a lot of time and effort (as does saving for a diamond). Its such a huge testament to how you feel about the person because knitting a sweater is not an easy task. Basically the sweater is a physical representation of the level of commitment in the relationship. It can make both parties look at the relationship differently and can cause tension.

The key is to talk about your issues and remember why you bought the diamond in the first place!

 

[pregcurious]

I like the sweater curse theory.

 

[TristanC]

It is a common anxiety. A lot of people get around it by popping the question and getting embroiled in the entire planning/circus that is a wedding with all the customs, ceremonies, house purchase, moving, parents, friends whatnot of the marriage then honeymoon. Some just transition smoothly from where you are to married. And some wind up like you.

In your case, you probably just saw things in a new light, or wanted more of something etc. The stone highlighted the "this is the woman that I am going to spend the rest of my life with and I want her to be perfect" It should pass, or it would lead to anxiety. It can take months to resolve. It could disappear one morning when you wake up, see the love of your life, and realise you've been an incorrigible anus the last 3 months. Who knows? You might also realise that you were moving along a predetermined path, and now you are questioning if you want to take the next step. You might also find that you will never take the next step.

So the advice I can give is... to take it slow, and to stop thinking about it for a while. Just live your life, and see what comes. Eventually the correct pace of life and mindset will reassert itself. You'll naturally want to move to the next stage and marry your SO, or you will know increasingly that you are heading towards a mistake. All this without thinking too hard.

Do remember, the day before you bought the stone, and the day after, your partner was still the exact same person. It will be the same truth about the wedding too. The act of purchasing the stone doesn't change who a person fundamentally is overnight. Neither does the act of marriage. Things change slowly if at all, and usually with great love or great effort.

All the best!

 

[solitairemission]

Thank you all. The sweater theory ranks up there. Just to elaborate a bit, I'm the one who is ready to be married. I have no anxiety towards commitmennt. I seem to want her to acceleratate things despite the plan we put in place together. All of this began after I bought the diamond. I'm withholding the fact that there have been other stressors co-occurring in my life but those aren't long-lasting.

Is she the one? Well, I'm from the school of thought that there's no such thing as soul mates, just a lot of good souls out there. Some so good that you fall in love. From there, you work on maintaining the love indefinitely. Not that it's not natural, but all relationships, in my opinion, require effort.