Wedding cousings, weddings, invitations, problems ?????

[supergirl10]

Hi Guys

Im new to this forum i got enaged two weeks ago!

I am still at uni and graduate dec ''09. I don''t want to plan a wedding while i am still studying as most of my final year is a practical component. At this this stage the wedding date we have set is 04/04/10.

Im having a problem with some relatives, since all of your are planning a wedding i hoped that you might be able to help and sorry this is kind of long.

My male cousin (who i am not especially close to) and is 22, is getting married in early September. I am not going to the wedding as it is 17 hours away (where they live) and would cost me nearly $700 by the time i got there, got accommodation, bought and outfit, got a gift etc.

I just have one issue. My parents received an invitation in the mail about six weeks ago and the invitation listed the invited people as: mum,dad sister & myself.

I am 22 also and have been with my (now FI) for 4.5 years and lived together for two. My cousin and his family have met FI several times. My mum was kind of shocked. She thought it was bad manners not to to list invitee''s as herself and my father, sister and friend, myself and FI. As she believes that after someone is 18 even if they do not have an SO you always invited them as ie. guest and friend (so that they have the option of bringing someone to the wedding)

I am just shocked, annoyed and confused. My mother thinks that the bride and her mother did the invites and that is why my FI was not invited. But i told her that she would have had to get our names and details off the grooms mother (my aunty).I just CANNOT understand why he was not invited to the wedding and i think its exceptionally rude.

I''m aware that weddings are hugely expensive and sometimes you just have to set limits. If they had phoned us prior to say they were trying to keep numbers down and that they were just inviting direct family, then i wouldn''t have been as offended.

My sister''s FI was not invited however they have only dated for six months and im not sure that my aunty even knew she had a BF.

I am over-reacting??? Is it rude just to send a card and no gift?? What is the policy re inviting them to our wedding??? Grrh

Thanks for reading this long post

 

[Sabine]

I understand that it stinks to have your FI slighted like this, but there are so many reasons that it might have happened, like it was a mistake, the bride didn''t know, they assumed since it was so far away he would never come, they are limited in their numbers, etc. I can totally understand why you are upset, but at the same time, you aren''t planning on going to the wedding, so I would try really hard to just let it go. Do what you think is right and what you would have originally done in terms of gift and inviting them to your wedding. And if you can''t just let it go, then ask your cousin about it and let him know you were hurt that your FI wasn''t included in the invite.

 

[Clairitek]

I too can understand how you''d be a little hurt. There have been two instances where I was accidentally only given an invitation for myself instead of one for me and my long-term boyfriend with whom I own a home. The second time it happened I actually called the bride and said "Now this might be considered rude, but is it OK if I bring BF to your wedding?" and she was shocked that I hadn''t been given a +1 and apologized for the oversight. Based on this I''m guessing that this might have been a mistake made my the bride''s family and that they didn''t mean any harm.

I hope that this incident won''t ruin your joy over being newly engaged. Congrats on that by the way! Good luck in your own wedding planning.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I understand you completely as the same thing happened to me only a month or so ago and this person DID know I was engaged and her FI had even gone to school with my FI..but to top it off this person invited another family member''s GIRLFRIEND..but failed to invite my FI. How''s that for ya? Total slap in the face!

Some people are rude. Maybe it was a space issue, maybe they''re being rude. Who knows. I think etiquette-wise in the US anyone over about 12 is supposed to get their own invitation, but I could be wrong. Anyway, sorry this happened to you..but you''re not going anyway so oh well. One of my sources Here''s some hugs and PS dust!

 

[havernell]

Date: 8/9/2008 10:40:24 AM
Author: SarahLovesJS
I think etiquette-wise in the US anyone over about 12 is supposed to get their own invitation, but I could be wrong. One of my sources Here's some hugs and PS dust!

Okay, I will fully admit to having no idea what proper etiquette is regarding when children should get a separate invitation from their parents, but starting at age 13 sounds crazy to me! I mean, this 13 year old can't even drive him/herself to the wedding apart from his/her parents, you know?! Is the 13 year old also supposed to buy a whole separate gift as well? And good luck getting the average 13 year old to actually send back the RSVP! I'm not picking on you, Sarah, really- just this website. Their advice on this sounds ludicrous to me! To me it would make sense to send a separate invitation if the child has moved out of the parents' house and now lives at their own residence. Or, if the child is out of college (but still living at home) I'd also send a separate invite.

As for the real topic of this thread (sorry for the threadjack), supergirl- you said you only got engaged two weeks ago, but your parents received this wedding invitation 6 weeks ago. So, the invitation was sent well before you got engaged. That would lead me to believe that, for space/cost issues, your cousin and his FI limited guests to those who are engaged or married. While I understand that it does hurt that your now-FI was left off of the list (I really do), I really doubt this was an intentional slight. And while it would have been nice for your cousin or aunt to call to explain why your then-boyfriend was not being invited along with you, I can imagine that that would be a really awkward conversation on both ends, you know? Like others have said, I'd just chalk it up to them needing to save money/space and not having ESP to know that you'd be engaged by the time the wedding rolled around. Have you told this aunt and cousin that you are now engaged? Maybe if you did they would extend the invite to your now-FI in light of this new information??

 

[Gypsy]

Honey I'm getting married in 6 weeks and My parent's STILL get invites with me tacked on. I'm 32 and have not lived at home since I was 21 and have been living with FI for nine years. In fact all of my step-dad's nieces who have gotten married have done this (and they've all gotten married in the last couple of years). And they've all met my fiance, know we've been living together for 9 years, and know we're getting married. It's a sore subject for me and my mom knows it. I mean seriously, how hard is it to send a separate invite or just NOT invite someone. I'm not inviting any of them-- can't afford to have them come, so they just did NOT make the guest list. I only invited their parents (step dad's siblings). Personally, I would have preferred to be left off the invite altogether than to be 'invited' like that.

Having had this happen repeatedly though, I have to say just shrug it off to the extent you can. It's a reflection on them, not on you.

As for Havernell's thoughts. I agree, you have to use common sense. The only younger people I invited were FI's neices. The ones who have moved out got their own invites (and guest). If they are living with their parents and have a serious significant other, they got their own invite with their significant other's name on it as well (no and guest). But the four of them that a) live at home b) don't have significant others and c) are between ages of 13-19 d) are still in school -- they did not get separate invites. They got their names added to their parent's invites. And I didn't see a problem with it.

As for your gifts question. Well, they tacked me onto my parent's invite... so my parents just added my name to the card that accompanied their gift to the couple. I did not attend any of the weddings, and was not going to reward such a backhanded slap with a gift or even a card. In each case I told my mom... add my name to your card. And she did. They want to treat me like a young girl living at home, then they get the same treatment in return. Sorry, but what goes around comes around.

ETA: I might be hyper sensitve about it because with Step-dad's family it has happened 5 times. FIVE TIMES. So that's why I refuse to give a gift or even a separate card. Childish of me, maybe, but these were really nice SUPER formal weddings for the most part-- with HUGE guest lists from people who are very well off (trust me). SOMEONE should have had the common sense on that side of the family to do what's right. It wasn't about the money or limiting the guest list. Just rude ignorance.

 

[Independent Gal]

If you weren''t engaged when the invitation was sent, you have absolutely nothing to be upset about. There is no hard and fast etiquette rule with respect to when a person should be invited with a guest to a wedding or other celebration, except that you always invite a married couple together. I don''t think many people would NOT invite a fiance, but he wasn''t your fiance yet, so they did nothing wrong.

I am over 30, and I have been to a good handful of weddings and I have NEVER been invited with a guest. Obviously, DH and I are invited to things together, but before I was settled in with someone, it simply wasn''t the norm or an expectation with my friends and family.

The fact that you are still in college and, possibly still dependent on your parents makes me less worried about you being listed on their invitation too. If you are their dependent still, then you are technically still part of their little family, not a woman standing on her own two feet out in the world.

So I don''t think your cousin did a gosh darned thing wrong.

Plus, the fact that you didn''t receive a separate invitation means you''re not obliged to send a separate gift, which it sounds like you don''t want to do anyway.

But seriously, you need to cut your cousin some slack here. He did nothing wrong. And just because you want to bring your at-the-time-of-the-invite-boyfriend doesn''t mean he gets to be invited.

If you were actually going, now that you are engaged, I might suggest getting your mom to call his mom to subtly feel out whether, qua engaged couple, you could bring him along. If it were me, I''d be all "Of course she can bring her fiance!" But since you''re not going anyway, I would just drop it.

 

[espressa]

I had something like this happen recently with one of my cousins who is getting married at the end of the month, although FI was still invited, they didn't bother to add his name to the invitation, they just put "and guest".

This would not have bothered me so much if 1) I had not sent Save the Dates in JANUARY, so they had FI's name and knew we were living together, 2) I was not getting married this October (less than 2 months after them), and 3) I even went to the trouble to getting my cousin's FI's name for the STD, when I could have gotten away with leaving it off. It's probably petty of me to be bothered by this, because he was at least invited, but given how close our weddings are together it just seemed a little odd.

Also, my sister's invite did not include an "and guest" and she has been with her boyfriend for years (and they will probably be getting engaged this year), which wouldn't have been such a big deal except her boyfriend has been going to family gatherings (Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.) for at least 7 years, and has sometimes even gone without my sister when she was sick.

I know people sometimes have to draw the line at married and engaged, but I do think common sense should be involved and when a couple has been together for many many years, and always show up together at family events, an exception should be made. I can understand not giving an "and guest" to someone who has not been dating very long, or even been dating for a year or so, but when people have been dating for such a significant amount of time I do think it merits an extra guest.

Anyway, the way we handled who got a guest was basically that anyone who is actually coming can bring whoever they want, we don't care, but it's a destination wedding in Italy so anyone coming is spending thousands of dollars already, so the least we can do is include whatever friend or significant other wants to take the trip with them. If we knew the person had a significant other, they were included by name on the invite.

There was one exception, however. One of my uncles, who is planning to come, is in the middle of a divorce. He and my aunt have been together my entire life, so it is a bit of a delicate situation (this just happened recently). He is planning to bring a friend, and I am not sure if it is a platonic friend or romantic, and it did not seem appropriate to pry right now, or have my mother (his sister) ask more questions, so he was invited by himself on the mailing envelope (we did not have inner envelopes since we had pocketfolds), but I included a handwritten note inside letting him know that he was of course welcome to bring a guest and we were looking forward to seeing him. He would have known he could bring a guest regardless, but I wanted to make it clear that whoever he was bringing was certainly invited and would be welcome, especially given the situation.

As for the issue of inviting my cousins (who got their own invitation and who didn't), we included the cousin on their parents invite if they were either under 18, or over 18 and in college but still being supported by their parents (and were living with their parents when they were not in school). If they were clearly self supporting or had a significant other, they got their own invite. The exception to this was a few of my cousins who are about 18-20 and do have boyfriends or girlfriends but still lived at home (or were in college, supported by parents) and who were definitely not coming.

Some people will say we broke etiquette because of these exceptions, but our invite policy was in line with how our families normally handle wedding invitations and addressing, and it made the most sense to us. Given that our invitations were about $7 each (with postage), it seemed silly to send invites to my cousins who weren't coming and who probably wouldn't have even noticed or cared that they didn't get their own invites, especially since they aren't attending.

It also gave them a pass from having to worry about sending a card or anything (I don't expect anything from any of my cousins, but some people do feel that an invitation carries the obligation of a gift or at least a card).

 

[Shoopy]

I'm sorry you feel bad.

But

Now that I am planning my own wedding and dealing with huge guest list/budget issues this is what I have to say to you, and I say this with all of the compassion and kindness I can muster for a stranger: please get over it.

I can't tell you how much my wedding guest list is giving me a headache. I have cousins I haven't talked to in years "excited" about my wedding and fully expecting an invite. I have other cousins that are telling me to make sure I give them enough of an advance so that they (along with their family of 6) can come. Uncles/aunts I don't get along with that I have to invite and because I have to invite them I can't invite friends that are near and dear to my heart. I have to somehow take a list of 120 (that started at 175) down to 50. And we have to come up with a way to pay for the wedding ourselves.

It's not easy. You will see once you get down to the details. Don't take this to heart. Planning a wedding is difficult and the guest list is one of the most difficult parts. Cut them some slack, send your card and a gift, wish them nothing but happiness and then focus on your own.

FYI my cousin just sent ONE invite to the family in Florida (there are 15 of us here) and specifically had a side note that said "no other guests allowed or children"

But they're doing their wedding in NY which is expensive and it is what it is.

Sorry again

ETA: Your mom's 18 and over rule just gave me another guest list headache LOL

And I don't agree with calling and asking about it. Just let it go. Calling them is just going to make an already awkward, confusing, and upsetting situation even more so. Your family was most likely not the only family they did this too and it's kind of a "what makes you and your guest so special" you know?

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

get over it.


You''re still in college, not on your own, and you were invited out of courtesy to your parents, as their dependent. You were not engaged at the time of the invitation. You are not expected to send a gift since you didn''t get your own invitation, but a heartfelt note of congratulations might be a nice thing to do.

As for inviting them, you either need to invite your cousin and his wife together, or not at all since they will be married, and she will be a part of the family. And you don''t need to feel obligated to invite them as you are not particularly close.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 8/9/2008 12:06:49 PM
Author: havernell

Date: 8/9/2008 10:40:24 AM

Author: SarahLovesJS

I think etiquette-wise in the US anyone over about 12 is supposed to get their own invitation, but I could be wrong. One of my sources Here's some hugs and PS dust!

Okay, I will fully admit to having no idea what proper etiquette is regarding when children should get a separate invitation from their parents, but starting at age 13 sounds crazy to me! I mean, this 13 year old can't even drive him/herself to the wedding apart from his/her parents, you know?! Is the 13 year old also supposed to buy a whole separate gift as well? And good luck getting the average 13 year old to actually send back the RSVP! I'm not picking on you, Sarah, really- just this website. Their advice on this sounds ludicrous to me! To me it would make sense to send a separate invitation if the child has moved out of the parents' house and now lives at their own residence. Or, if the child is out of college (but still living at home) I'd also send a separate invite.


As for the real topic of this thread (sorry for the threadjack), supergirl- you said you only got engaged two weeks ago, but your parents received this wedding invitation 6 weeks ago. So, the invitation was sent well before you got engaged. That would lead me to believe that, for space/cost issues, your cousin and his FI limited guests to those who are engaged or married. While I understand that it does hurt that your now-FI was left off of the list (I really do), I really doubt this was an intentional slight. And while it would have been nice for your cousin or aunt to call to explain why your then-boyfriend was not being invited along with you, I can imagine that that would be a really awkward conversation on both ends, you know? Like others have said, I'd just chalk it up to them needing to save money/space and not having ESP to know that you'd be engaged by the time the wedding rolled around. Have you told this aunt and cousin that you are now engaged? Maybe if you did they would extend the invite to your now-FI in light of this new information??

Oops just saw this sorry for the delay. I don't think it's ludicrous personally, but I suppose that's just me. That website isn't the only place I've heard that, I just looked for a quick link for reference. And no I don't expect them to bring a separate gift because I don't expect that anyone must bring a gift.

And as for the average 13 year old..we don't have anyone that fits that bill I suppose then because I am sure they'll send in reply cards. I know I would have as well. I feel like they're old enough to attend the wedding, so they're old enough to get their own invitation.

And for everyone who keeps beating supergirl up as not being on her own, she clearly said that she's been living with her boyfriend (now FI) for 2 years. She does NOT live at home with her parents, she lives with her FI. So she is on her own, even if she is still in college. And I agree with your Mom that anyone over 18 with an SO gets an "and guest" invite at the very least.

ETA: By SO..I mean a long-term SO.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

ooh I didn''t see that she lives with her fiance, but I still think it''s is nothing to be upset about or accusing the cousin of bad manners. She was invited out of courtesy to her parents since she is not close to this cousin at all.

Personally, I have a first cousin who is a sophomore in college this year (will be a junior or senior by the time I''m married, and I have no intention of inviting her to bring a date unless she meets a boy and gets engaged before the wedding, which is very unlikely! She''ll be there as my cousin, have plenty of family to keep her company, and I don''t expect her to bring a gift since she''s dependent on her parents. I will send her her own invitation to her college address though because I always loved getting my own invitations. Her little brother in high school will be on his parents'' invitation.



Just enjoy planning your own wedding and don''t let little things like this even be a blip on the radar!

 

[Haven]

Date: 8/9/2008 1:09:12 PM
Author: Independent Gal
If you weren''t engaged when the invitation was sent, you have absolutely nothing to be upset about. There is no hard and fast etiquette rule with respect to when a person should be invited with a guest to a wedding or other celebration, except that you always invite a married couple together. I don''t think many people would NOT invite a fiance, but he wasn''t your fiance yet, so they did nothing wrong.

I am over 30, and I have been to a good handful of weddings and I have NEVER been invited with a guest. Obviously, DH and I are invited to things together, but before I was settled in with someone, it simply wasn''t the norm or an expectation with my friends and family.

The fact that you are still in college and, possibly still dependent on your parents makes me less worried about you being listed on their invitation too. If you are their dependent still, then you are technically still part of their little family, not a woman standing on her own two feet out in the world.

So I don''t think your cousin did a gosh darned thing wrong.

Plus, the fact that you didn''t receive a separate invitation means you''re not obliged to send a separate gift, which it sounds like you don''t want to do anyway.

But seriously, you need to cut your cousin some slack here. He did nothing wrong. And just because you want to bring your at-the-time-of-the-invite-boyfriend doesn''t mean he gets to be invited.

If you were actually going, now that you are engaged, I might suggest getting your mom to call his mom to subtly feel out whether, qua engaged couple, you could bring him along. If it were me, I''d be all ''Of course she can bring her fiance!'' But since you''re not going anyway, I would just drop it.

Ditto to everything Indy said.

As for the etiquette regarding invitations--Sarah, your source is correct. Individuals over the age of 12 should receive a separate invitation. If you don''t agree with this, then you do not have to follow it. I suppose it depends on your social circle; we sent out separate invitations to children over the age of 12, and that is the way our friends and family have always sent out formal invitations.

Hosts are not obligated to invite a significant other if he is not your fiance or husband. As for inviting someone "and guest", those who adhere to the strictest etiquette would not do such a thing, but I do realize that it is a very common practice nowadays. I find it to be in poor taste, but that is just me.

Supergirl--Congratulations on your engagement. You have many exciting things to focus on that have nothing to do with this cousin of yours, and really, he did not do anything in poor taste in this case. Move on, and enjoy your engagement.

 

[Haven]

Date: 8/9/2008 5:03:20 AM
Author:supergirl10

I am over-reacting??? Is it rude just to send a card and no gift?? What is the policy re inviting them to our wedding??? Grrh

Yes, I do believe it would be in poor taste to send a card and no gift. The gift does not have to be large or expensive, but you should send a gift in response to a wedding invitation, regardless of whether you attend.

As for inviting them to your wedding, that is up to you. I''m confused by your reaction to the exclusion of your now-fiance on the invite if you do not want to invite them to your wedding--if they are not important to you, why be offended that they didn''t invite your fiance? This does not make sense to me. If you don''t care enough to invite them to your wedding, how can you be angry that they didn''t invite your now-fiance to his wedding?

 

[Octavia]

Date: 8/10/2008 7:17:44 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 8/9/2008 5:03:20 AM

Author:supergirl10


I am over-reacting??? Is it rude just to send a card and no gift?? What is the policy re inviting them to our wedding??? Grrh

Yes, I do believe it would be in poor taste to send a card and no gift. The gift does not have to be large or expensive, but you should send a gift in response to a wedding invitation, regardless of whether you attend.

I generally agree, except when it's obvious that someone is just fishing for gifts. Case in point: my FI and I ran into a very casual acquaintance of his at a restaurant once, and he told us that he was about to be married. We congratulated him and everyone went on their merry way. Three days later, an invitation arrived addressed to my FI and guest (meaning the guy had forgotten my name by the time he got home), with a reply date a week past, and a giant, neon-colored, home-printed honeymoon registry request in front of everything else, including the invitation. I thought that was in extremely poor taste. We declined, and did not gift them money toward their honeymoon, nor did we send another gift, and I don't feel a bit guilty about it.

 

[supergirl10]

And for everyone who keeps beating supergirl up as not being on her own, she clearly said that she''s been living with her boyfriend (now FI) for 2 years. She does NOT live at home with her parents, she lives with her FI. So she is on her own, even if she is still in college. And I agree with your Mom that anyone over 18 with an SO gets an ''and guest'' invite at the very least.

ETA: By SO..I mean a long-term SO.

THANK U!

I have not lived at home for 5 years and have COMPLETELY independently financially supported myself for 3 years (ie. since i was 19/20)! I am still at college (uni). It is different in Australia must people graduate by 20/21/22 and begin work (which i what my cousin has done)thus the wedding now 9 months after graduation. The reason i am still at college is because i have been very ill and had to postpone subjects and rearrange degree or i would be finished now and probably about to be married myself. But i fail to see what still being at college has to do with invites???

As for the comments about understanding when i actually start planning the wedding ... TRUST ME I KNOW i have already started the planning. FI and i are paying for wedding BY OURSELVES for aprox 100-120 guest most of which are family. Two of these guests would be my cousin and his soon to be wife. So my question was (and admittedly i probably should have phrased it better) since we are paying completely ourselves do we bother inviting people like my cousin who fail to have the courtesy to invite my long-term partner (long than they have even been together)!!! And i figured as women planning weddings you may have some helpful advice what you think is appropriate since we both weren''t invited to their wedding!

In Australia (well where i am from) unless you speak to the person and check it is ok, it is generally considered very very bad manners not to invited a guest over 18 as X & guest. Even if they are single and especially if they have an SO of a year or more.

Other than that

thank you to everyone who told me not to worry about it. I am sincerely hoping it was just a minor oversight and yes i was probably over-reacting!