Counseling for Stepfamilies

[Bailey_Lou]

I've been having step parenting issues since I got married (2 years) and 4 years together. I have an 11-year-old that I raised as a single mother and a new baby, now 1. My husband has 2 lovely daughters, ages 8 and 12. He also has a previous stepson and daughter that we try to incorporate into the family as well. I feel that my husband idealizes his children and does not allow criticism of them. However, since my son lives with us he is subject to his strict and not very loving parenting style. I know that it comes from a good place but it is hard to watch. I am a total mama bear and have to hold my tongue in check. Also, when my stepdaughters (and other kids) come over it's not on a schedule and it's usually because they beg to come over every single week. They are not subject to the same rules or discipline type because he says, "They're girls." I'm in nursing school and this is driving me batty! I really need to study LOL. I really do feel overwhelmed and there are things that need to be addressed (I feel) in counseling. How do you find a good counselor for step parenting issues? My husband is not a talker and just wants to "fix" the problem (and never talk about it again). I know I'm not the only one with a new crop of grey hair?!

 

[TooPatient]

Try looking at parenting classes in your area. They might be able to recommend a good psychologist (they often teach the classes) who can help you both set down standard rules for all of the kids. That is going to be the closest to "just fix it" you will be able to come.

Beyond that, it sounds like some couples counseling would not be a bad idea to help with other stuff you hinted at and help you both see it as a combined family rather than "his" kids and "her" kids.
The kids DO pick up on this sort of thing and it is going to be a BIG problem and possibly even split your family apart.

The psychologists I've seen and others I worked in a building with let people know what they specialize in. A good psychologist should also be able to recommend someone who is experienced in the areas you need.

 

[Bailey_Lou]

Thank you, that's a good idea. I definitely have my fair share of issues that need to be addressed. I just had no idea that it would be this hard but I've heard from others that in the end it can really be worth it after a lot of work by everyone.

 

[TooPatient]

Merging families is hard. Heck... Someone without a kid marrying a person with kids is hard!

DH & I took a course called "Parenting Mindfully" before my step-daughter came to live with us. It was GREAT. Very well done. Even though it was aimed more for younger kids, the concepts do carry forward to older also. They said it was for ages 6-13 but addressed stuff for younger kids too. The methods and approaches may be very helpful for your family.

My step father and I never got along. It was clear he didn't see me as his kid in any way. Thanks to that, my mother and I now have almost no relationship.

My father got involved with a woman who complained that we were around and gave us cheap (or no) gifts for any occasion but would go out shopping with her daughters and granddaughters and spoil them rotten with lots of name brand stuff just because. I never wanted the name brand stuff but the "his" and "hers" kids thing was VERY uncomfortable and was part of why I ended contact with my father.

I hope you are able to find help in your area. It is the sort of thing that can be fixed if people want but will tear people apart if left.

Good luck!

I hope you'll come back with updates. I've been the kid with a step-parent and now I am a step parent in a difficult situation. Sometimes just talking about it can help. If you have specific things, I'd be happy to suggest what did or didn't work from my experiences or pass on suggestions from the class handouts.

 

[Bailey_Lou]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I never wanted to make the girls feel separate and naively wanted everyone to be equal in the beginning. Unfortunately in our case it is the adults who are causing the issues because my husband takes them shopping and spends time with them on outings when they come over. I buy them gifts to try to make it fair when I buy the bio kids things. They don't like what I buy them and meanwhile my son who lives with us doesn't get gifts or time with his stepfather even though he lives with us. It's my fault for not speaking up about it for these last two years. Now the resentment towards my husband in regards to the inequality has built up and our children are paying the price. We absolutely have to work on this as I don't want our girls feeling the way you did growing up (hugs). Thank you for sharing your point of view. This definitely puts a perspective on things for me. I'll let you know once I find a good family counselor.

 

[TooPatient]

I think it is often the adults who have challenges. Well intentioned usually, but still problems. I saw it myself and I've seen it in other families. Feeling like you need to do something different to make up for what they don't have whether that is stuff or quality time and then trying to balance it out.

Maybe a good starting place would be family activities rather than just him and the girls. Go out all together and just be a family. I loved what my grandmother did one summer. We each got slips of paper and wrote an activity down. Could be anything from going to the beach or the museum or a specific movie or icecream. She got to look at them so there wasn't anything too expensive or problematic in some way. Then they went in a jar and got pulled out at random. Even when it wasn't my idea, it was exciting to find out what we were doing and I knew my idea could be the next up!

It sounds like your kids are all lucky to have you both. It takes an aware and caring person to notice and even more to take the time to do something to fix it