Home Constantly sick kid in playgroup ...

[vespergirl]

I started hosting a SAHM playgroup at my house about 1 morning every two weeks, and found a bunch of great women and kids in my nieghborhood to attend. One mom & I really clicked & hit it off when we met almost a year ago. Not only do we get together at the playgroup, but we also organize playdates, outings to the zoo, etc. to get the boys together.

The problem is, she insists on bringing her son over when he''s sick, which is nearly all the time. The kid practically lives on antibiotics, and even though I''ve asked her to let me know if he''s sick so that we can cancel the playdate so that my son won''t get sick, she brings him over anyway without saying anything, because she says that "she''s going crazy cooped up at home & needs to get out." Because this has happened more than once, I''ve stopped calling her as often, but she''s still calling me all the time to get together, and sometimes we do because we get along as friends quite well, but it makes me crazy if her kid comes over and he''s sick!

By the way, this isn''t sniffles I''m talking about - she''s brought him over with a stomach virus, tonsillitis, head lice, and hand, foot and mouth disease!!! She always says, "oh, he''s on antibiotics, so he''s not contagious anymore" but I have a hard time believing it. A few of those times, I''ve either left early or said that I have to put my son down for a nap right away, and she teases me for being paranoid about germs.

I should probably also mention that she is pretty lax with discipline, so some of the other moms have stopped coming to playgroups, because her son will steal food & sippy cups from other kids, or push them to take away their toys. She makes a show of telling him "no" in front of us, but our kids don''t act that way at playgroup, so I get the idea that the only time he hears "no" is when they''re in public, and the reason he doesn''t behave well is because he has no discipline at home.

It''s a sticky situation because there aren''t many SAHMs in my area, and without the kids, me and this other mom really get along well. Am I just being stuffy and paranoid? Or is she being insensitive? I''m almost at the point of thinking to cut off the friendship, but my husband thinks that would be harsh. What would you guys do in this situation?

 

[Miranda]

This. Is. My. Biggest. Pet. Peeve. In. The. Entire. World.

I think you are describing my SIL...In fact, she is in your area...Maybe it IS her!!! LOL! Does her name start with an M? She is in a similar situation where her friends have all stopped having playdates with her because her kids are always sick and they are so ill mannered.

I think we all know someone like this. They don''t care that their kid is sick so they are rude and drag them everywhere because, as you said, she doesn''t want to be home. If the kid is stealing other kids'' food, chances are, he''s not a peach to take care of at home either. She needs to get out to deal with her frustration. I''m sure she''s very nice and great to be around without the kid...Which leads to your frustration.

You are right about the antibiotic thing. My SIL''s kids are on antibiotics CONSTANTLY. Most of the time (like 99.99999%) when kids get sick they have a virus. Antibiotics will do nothing to treat a virus. Just had to get that off my chest. My son is 14 and been on antibiotics twice in his life. DS #2 and DD have taken them 3 times each. Antibiotics have their place, but, it is not to treat viruses!!!

No, I do not think you are being stuffy and paranoid. You are being a mother who is trying to do what''s in your baby''s best interests. After all, there really is NO benefit to being sick all the time. In fact, constant illness can cause language delays and other developmental problems. Look at it this way. Do you feel like learning or behaving when you are sick? Chances are, kids don''t either. Yes, she''s being insensitive by teasing you about a germ paranoia. Furthermore, she is being rude by not at least telling you the kid is sick and letting you make the choice. She''s putting you in a bad place because now you can''t ask her if the kid is sick or suggest a reschedule because you are made to feel guilty and psycho if you do. I am probably harsh, but, I wouldn''t have a lot to do with her. I have so many friends and when our kids get together, if one is sick we all clear it with each other or plain don''t come. So, I do know mutually respectful relationships exist! Maybe you could try making two lists. One of the reasons to continue the realtionship. And another to list the reasons why it is not worth the hassle. An occasional mild cold or the sniffles is one thing - all of the ailments you listed are quite another. *shudders* Good luck!

 

[somethingshiny]

I think your friend is taking it a bit too far, but I have some words from the other end of the spectrum

My son has been sick with tonsillitis and all of the ear infections, bronchitis, conjunctivitis that come along with severe and recurrent infections. He's only 2.5 and doesn't have "friends". But, I do take him to play with his cousins.

I always forewarn if my kid's sick to let my siblings decide if they want him at their houses, though. The cousin who's closest in age has NEVER gotten sick from my son. I don't take him when he's contagious, and I do believe the dr when he says after 3-4 days on antibiotic he's no longer contagious.

I don't agree with putting other children's health in jeopardy, but I understand the want for your child to be able to play, too. When you're the mother of a sick child, it seems like they're always getting the short end of the sick. Besides not feeling well, you have to watch your child be listless, in pain, frustrated and confused as to why no one wants to be near them. This is especially hard when your child is too young to understand. No mother wants her child to have to stay home all the time and feel like he has no playmates. And, these mothers need a bit of a break, too. Not necessarily a break from the child (although I'm sure that's it for some), but a break from watching their child look miserable. Just an hour of being happy and having fun means a lot to a little kid and just as much to the parents.

As far as the bad manners, that's something I can't deal with in adults or children. But, she may have a hard time disciplining her child if he's always sick. When a sick kid whines at you or doesn't do what he's told, it just doesn't seem as bad as if he was a healthy kid doing the same thing.

I don't think you're being paranoid because your child's health may be at risk, but I don't think she's being insensitive. She's definitely putting her child first, and really, what mother doesn't?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Uh, no. You are absolutely not being overly paranoid. This mom is obviously overlooking your children by openly exposing her sick son to the group. Its unfair of her to assume, just because he''s on antiboitics, that you are okay with your child being exposed to his smorgas board of diseases. For one, lice cannot be treated with antibotics....and neither would any sort of stomache flu. I am sure she probably feels lonely as a SAHM, and longs for adult conversation or interaction...but there is a time and place, and when you have a sick child, thats probably not the right time to go out and get involved in the community.

Because you''re probably considerate of her feelings, flat out telling her..."hey lady, your kid cannot come over when he''s sick" probably isn''t the way you''re willing to handle it. But prehaps you could opt out of playground and instead start a sort of "grown up" play group of just the Mom''s. Have a wine and cheese night, or book club. Something that leaves the kids out of it, and still allows for you to have a friendship with another SAHM. You can still chat about the ins and outs of motherhood, but let the dads take over, so you can enjoy each others company.

 

[vespergirl]

Thanks guys, I appreciate all of your feedback.

Miranda, you totally cracked me up when you mentioned your SIL - my friend''s name doesn''t start with an M though, so I guess I''m not the only one who''s had this issue

Shiny, I appreciate your feedback too, from the other perspective. The interesting thing that I do have to mention is that my son has never caught anything from her son, so we''ve actually been lucky so far (knock on wood) that even with repeated exposure, he hasn''t actually gotten sick from his buddy.

Italia, I love your idea of a "mom''s only" night - maybe that''s something we can manage once a month or so. It really is a tough situation, because the mom & I really have fun together, but I feel like I always spend the whole playdate making sure her kid isn''t sneezing on my kid :p

 

[strmrdr]

Second the over use of antibiotics being a bad thing.
I would bet that better than 80% of that kids illnesses are caused by to much antibiotics.
Suggest that she change doctors.
A friend of mines step-son was sick all the time and the doc kept pushing antibiotics.
He had allergies that were the root cause of all the so called infections.
After a year of the kid being sick almost all the time his dad when he had him on visitation for the summer took him to a different doc.
He is on allergy meds and hasn't been sick in over a year!

 

[vespergirl]

Thanks for the advice on the allergies, strmrdr, I''m going to pass that on to my friend. I am also wary of antibiotics - my son only used them once, when he had a double ear infection when he was a year old. He''s almost 2 now, and after that one cycle, he hasn''t used them again. I think that my friend''s pediatrician always prescribes it at the smallest sniffle, and he''s been on them so much that he''s actually developed a tolerance and they''ve had to graduate him to stronger versions, but he''s still always having ear infections and other illnesses.

I don''t know if this has anything to do with it, but I know that my friend didn''t breastfeed at all, and they say that kids who weren''t breastfed get more ear infections and can sometimes have weaker immune systems. It''s obviously too late to change that now, and I don''t know if there''s any truth to that study, but after reading strm''s post it made me wonder if there''s some other reason this poor kid is sick all the time ...

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I would be annoyed too! Having a sick kid is NOT fun. She should respect *you* and your *child* enough to stay away. I don''t know what I would do. Sorry you are in this situation.

 

[TravelingGal]

(That''s all I can manage right now...be back later with comments...)

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 9/8/2008 5:59:05 PM
Author: vespergirl
he''s still always having ear infections and other illnesses.

She needs to take him to an ear/nose/throat specialist immediately if he is having a lot of ear infections.
She needs to document as much as possible every illness he has had for the last 6 months to a year and take it with her.
There is almost always a root cause of them.
He may need tubes or it could be allergies or even a tonsil problem.
Before I had my tonsils out(when I was 6) I was getting ear infections all the time.
During the times of year when my asthma is bad I get ear infection like symptoms and a friends daughter who is 8 and has asthma does also so that is another thing to check.
The poor kid needs a better doctor by the sounds of it.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 9/8/2008 5:59:05 PM
Author: vespergirl
Thanks for the advice on the allergies, strmrdr, I''m going to pass that on to my friend. I am also wary of antibiotics - my son only used them once, when he had a double ear infection when he was a year old. He''s almost 2 now, and after that one cycle, he hasn''t used them again. I think that my friend''s pediatrician always prescribes it at the smallest sniffle, and he''s been on them so much that he''s actually developed a tolerance and they''ve had to graduate him to stronger versions, but he''s still always having ear infections and other illnesses.

I don''t know if this has anything to do with it, but I know that my friend didn''t breastfeed at all, and they say that kids who weren''t breastfed get more ear infections and can sometimes have weaker immune systems. It''s obviously too late to change that now, and I don''t know if there''s any truth to that study, but after reading strm''s post it made me wonder if there''s some other reason this poor kid is sick all the time ...

Breastfeeding contributes hugely to building a strong immune system and breastfed children tend to be healthier because of the antibodies they have picked up from their mother''s colostrum and milk.

Bottle fed kids tend to have a higher incidence of stomach bugs - breast milk is sterile, bottles need sterilising....

You''re politer than I would be - but then I go nuts when people go to work ill, martyr yourselves by all means, but by working from home not be inflicting your germs on other people.

I rarely get anything, but my DH has no spleen and so his immune system isn''t great. He''s had flu 5 times already this year. Once we have kids, no way can I risk them getting sick and giving it to him because someone else if fed up sitting round the house.

Obviously they''ll catch things once in a while like all children, but I won''t be going for deliberate exposure like that - especially if the child is stealing food and cups.

 

[MMMD]

The only thing you can do at this point is be blunt with your friend. Tell her that while her child is under the weather, he cannot participate in playgroup or playdates. It is not fair to the other participants. If she wants to get out of the house she should then try to schedule an adult gathering. We''ve all been there where our sick kid has kept us cooped up and lonely but that''s the way it is.

I also think you should talk to her about her getting her son checked out by another doctor. Of course, her pediatrician might also be suggesting allergy testing and she is not listening to the advice.

Good luck.

 

[somethingshiny]

I just thought of a non-confrontational way of expressing your feelings to this woman. Next time you have a play group day, hand everyone a sheet that specifies when and where the next group will be and what you/kids will be doing. At the bottom of the page, write something along the lines of, "Health and safety are important to us. If you or your child is sick, please do not attend. If you or your child has an injury please let us know so we can have activities that everyone can participate in."

That stays away from pointing fingers, but also lets everyone know what is expected.

 

[swingirl]

Date: 9/8/2008 7:59:54 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I just thought of a non-confrontational way of expressing your feelings to this woman. Next time you have a play group day, hand everyone a sheet that specifies when and where the next group will be and what you/kids will be doing. At the bottom of the page, write something along the lines of, ''Health and safety are important to us. If you or your child is sick, please do not attend. If you or your child has an injury please let us know so we can have activities that everyone can participate in.''


That stays away from pointing fingers, but also lets everyone know what is expected.

Wasn''t she already told this and ignored it?

 

[somethingshiny]

It sounds like she was told this, but some people take things more seriously if they''re in writing. And, all the other mothers would be on level playing field and be able to "reference" the Play Group Sheet when confronting her.

 

[Miranda]

Date: 9/8/2008 7:59:54 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I just thought of a non-confrontational way of expressing your feelings to this woman. Next time you have a play group day, hand everyone a sheet that specifies when and where the next group will be and what you/kids will be doing. At the bottom of the page, write something along the lines of, ''Health and safety are important to us. If you or your child is sick, please do not attend. If you or your child has an injury please let us know so we can have activities that everyone can participate in.''

That stays away from pointing fingers, but also lets everyone know what is expected.

This is a great idea. The only thing I would add is a definition of what sick is - runny nose, cough, fever, vomiting, pus coming from the eyes, etc. This rules out the ''He''s taking antibiotics'' excuse. A lot of people (I think including your friend) think you are cured if you are taking antibiotics regardless of symptoms persisting. That''s only true for bacterial infections which I doubt are causing the majority of her little guys ailments.

I''m with Strm - Suggest to your friend that her baby see a different doctor. (read - not a quack who prescribes antibiotics like candy).

 

[Kaleigh]

I agree with Karl/ Storm She needs a new pediatrician.

That said, many illnesses are viral in nature. Thus prescribing an antibiotic won''t do a thing. Antibiotics only work if the infection is bacterial. To me, he''s being prescribed an antibiotic at the first sneeze. That''s wrong. And will proove harmful once he really needs an antibiotic. God forbid he could be immune to it. That is what is most scary to me. Use the big guns only when you need them.

My son had lots of ear infections, had tubes put in and that was that. No more ear infections.

I''d bring it up in the next convo that he should see an Ear nose and throat specialist, and an allergist. No kid needs to be on that many antibiotics, unless his immune system is severly compromised.

You have fun with her, so in the mean time take her to lunch, no kids. And bring it while having lunch? I am so the kind that would not be able to hold it in. I''d say, I adore you, but you have to know, this is driving me nuts. Having a sense of humor always helps.

Good luck!!!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

A friend''s son had so many ear infections/colds his first year they put tubes in. He was BFed for over a year so sometimes that theory is not always right. I agree she needs a new doctor.

SS suggestion of a reference sheet is a good one. That way she won''t feel attacked.

 

[tiffanytwisted]

She brought him to play group with head lice? UGHH. What was her excuse then? There''s NO antibiotic for head lice.
I agree she shouldn''t bring him when he''s sick, it is true that after a period of time on antibiotics and if the child is no longer running a fever they aren''t considered contagious. It does sound like antibiotics are probably overprescribed in this case. Some doctors have a hard time saying "it''s viral" and some parents have a hard time accepting the virus diagnosis and complain that the doctor isn''t doing anything.
But still, head lice??

 

[diamondfan]

First of all, lice and stomach viruses ARE contagious. Antibiotics does not cure everything and there are times where they are not in the system yet, so if he is vomiting, has fever, etc, and just started them, he should not be around other kids. You have every right to protect your kid from known illness. Now, when you get to school, plenty of parents take their kids anyway, for whatever reason, and it is not okay. I never thought that was a fair thing to do, but some parents do not think or do not care. If she needs to get out she should make sure he is not too ill or contagious and she should tried to get a sitter and leave him home. It is not right to bring him around other kids.

I also might recommend she see a doctor is he is sick that often. Kids get sick but this seems excessive to me. It could be something underlying like allergies.

 

[vespergirl]

You guys, thanks so much for your replies. I think what I''m going to do is just talk to her about it the next time she brings the little guy over if he is not doing well. Since his symptoms are usually more of the viral type (runny nose, coughing, etc.) if she mentions that he is on antibiotics I''m going to tell her that antibiotics don''t cure a cold or the flu, or make his mucous less infectious to the other kids if he sneezes or coughs on them. If she gets offended, I guess she''s just going to have to deal with it, because honestly, it''s offensive to me & the other moms when she brings him over when he''s sick, so she can''t really call the "manners" card on us.

I have suggested many times that she switch pediatricians, and I recommended mine, who is wonderful & close to her house, but I think she likes the fact that hers gives out antibiotics like candy, because she always demands them for herself when she gets a cold - I''ve mentioned before that it wouldn''t help, but she told me that she doesn''t believe that

The thing that makes the situation a little sticky is I am actually her older daughter''s piano teacher, so I would hate to damage that relationship, but honestly, I would rather lose her as a student than expose my son to every exotic disease under the sun now that winter weather is coming ...

Honestly, though, she is a very easygoing person, so I''m thinking that if I bring it up in a more matter-of-fact or humorous way, she won''t get offended - I hope

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 9/9/2008 9:34:18 AM
Author: diamondfan
First of all, lice and stomach viruses ARE contagious. Antibiotics does not cure everything and there are times where they are not in the system yet, so if he is vomiting, has fever, etc, and just started them, he should not be around other kids. You have every right to protect your kid from known illness. Now, when you get to school, plenty of parents take their kids anyway, for whatever reason, and it is not okay. I never thought that was a fair thing to do, but some parents do not think or do not care. If she needs to get out she should make sure he is not too ill or contagious and she should tried to get a sitter and leave him home. It is not right to bring him around other kids.

I also might recommend she see a doctor is he is sick that often. Kids get sick but this seems excessive to me. It could be something underlying like allergies.

Ditto.

 

[TravelingGal]

timely article on playgroups and "mama drama"

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26550114/