Compromise???

[bookworm240]

I am turning 40 soon and want to get a wide band ring. My DH and I have very different taste...I am the Dharma to his Greg, the chocolate chips in his vanilla.... if you know what I mean.

Since it is my gift do I really need to bend to his taste. His point is that it is an expensive gift and we should both like it. My point is.....I could sacrifice his happiness to get something I love.

I will talk to DH about this some more....just interested in what the people have to say.

 

[oddoneout]

It''s your gift so it should be your taste. Does he consult you about whether you should love his gifts?...probably not. I say try to tell him how much you want your gift and since it''s your gift it should be your taste. Tell him that your taste does not factor into the gifts you get him. I mean he must get gifts from you because he wants them and loves them. and they''re his taste.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I guess I am lucky that DH doesn''t push his taste (or seem to care) about what jewelry I pick out. I think 40 years is a wonderful birthday to celebrate and you DESERVE to have something you are completely in love with. If a wide ring is what you want he should respect that. After all you are the one who is wearing it. Maybe you need to buy yourself the ring and then he can buy you something more his taste.

 

[tlh]

Does he have to get one that matches? If not, I don''t understand his objections.

I''d work on your communication with one another and see why he is objecting. Some people view their wedding rings (if this is what it is replacing or to be worn in place of) as a joint symbol of their love and partnership. Someone wearing something that is very highly individualized and not something the partner likes at all - can be viewed in a different light when it is supposed to be a joint SYMBOL and not just a big purchase. Or a piece of jewelry.

Many women wear rings they had zero say on because it was what their husband "picked" for them... and do so happily. But they pick other jewelry they like w/o their husband''s input.

Just open a dialogue between you both to see what this means, and where the objections are. If it is just well it is a lot of money, and I want some say on it... that well isn''t very practical or fair. It would be like, you saying... you know, I don''t like the tightie whities you wear because you like them, but I think they are ugly- and I want you to wear silk boxers because they are more attractive. I''m using it as an example, because at some points, it does come a matter of personal preference that needs to be considered. The woman''s ring is a very intimate and personal thing. A matter of personal taste and preference.. just like a man''s undies. I''m using undies, because most everyone wears them.

My husband doesn''t care about jewelry... other than how much it costs. Just like I don''t care about his tri equipment other than how much that costs. I don''t want him dictating my jewelry, just like he wouldn''t want me to chose parts for his bike. (Something I know NOTHING about...)

Anywho, best of luck to you! I hope you can find a solution that works for you both.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Maybe he's just concerned that your tastes change often and that if you get something "out there" you won't like it shortly down the line?

Regardless, I think when you buy someone a gift, their happiness should be the priority! Unless he was planning to borrow this ring and wear it on occasion too, I don't really see why he would insist on something that suites his taste that requires you to compromise? Does he take you to a lot of conservative, formal events where he thinks the ring would make a bad impression? Does he think a wide band ring would be too flashy and make you targets for mugging?

I can somewhat feel your pain, my hubby likes to pick out jewelery for me but unfortunately we have entirely different taste in that kind of thing. I've recently started gently letting him know that I'd really prefer to pick out my own since creating the jewelery is at least half the fun for me! The process of shopping is part of the excitement!

 

[Circe]

My husband and I have completely opposite taste, too. The solution? We tend to choose our own, and/or not be offended if a "surprise!" gift needs to go back to the store. With something like this, where *you* know what *you* want, and *he* knows what *you* want, but he wants to get you ... what *he* wants? Er, NO. Operative word in his "expensive gift" phrase is the unspoken one: expensive gift for YOU. He''s the one who needs to bend on this ....

BTW: do you know exactly which ring you want, or which style specifically? Could you post pics or a link? As well as to his alternative? I''m wondering how far apart you are, and if there are phrasing suggestions on vetoing his to be found in the rings themselves ....

 

[tyty333]

Date: 11/17/2009 9:44:49 AM
Author: MakingTheGrade
Maybe he''s just concerned that your tastes change often and that if you get something ''out there'' you won''t like it shortly down the line?

Regardless, I think when you buy someone a gift, their happiness should be the priority! Unless he was planning to borrow this ring and wear it on occasion too, I don''t really see why he would insist on something that suites his taste that requires you to compromise? Does he take you to a lot of conservative, formal events where he thinks the ring would make a bad impression? Does he think a wide band ring would be too flashy and make you targets for mugging?

I can somewhat feel your pain, my hubby likes to pick out jewelery for me but unfortunately we have entirely different taste in that kind of thing. I''ve recently started gently letting him know that I''d really prefer to pick out my own since creating the jewelery is at least half the fun for me! The process of shopping is part of the excitement!

Ditto!

 

[Callisto]

I think he''s being a bit silly. It''s YOUR birthday gift. I think coming to a compromise on an engagement/wedding ring should be considered since it represents the marriage of two people, but I''m not sure where HE is involved in YOUR birthday, besides maybe funding the gift.

Now while I think you should give him the opportunity to share his thoughts on the jewelry you''re looking at, I think you should get something you LOVE. He should respect that.

 

[Ara Ann]

My DH and I have differing tastes in jewelry too, although as time progresses, we agree more now than we had in the past. My tastes have changed more than his have, LOL...I used to be a big and gaudy lover, now I prefer antique jewelry which is closer to his likes.

All that aside, for your 40th b-day, you should get what you want...DH should understand that. This is your big year, it shouldn''t be about him 100%. So if you can find something you really love, that he doesn''t really HATE, he should be good with doing what makes you happy!


Happy 40th B-day too!

 

[Kelli]

hmmmm.... is he going to be wearing it? I don''t see why he needs to love it.

 

[packrat]

I think if it''s a present for *you* then *you* should be the one who loves it. I thought that was the whole point in giving someone a gift, was that *they* liked it. If he still insists, get him a really nifty Christmas theme sweater as a gift..one with pretty snowflakes and smiley reindeer and give him a big grin and say "Well, *I* like it, so *you* have to wear it!"

 

[TooPatient]

Don''t stone me. Read to the end first.

It is your birthday and you should be happy with the ring you get. That is important.

But:

It is his gift to you. It is a big purchase. It is a symbol of your continuing partnership in life. He should be happy with it too.


There have been many times that B has had a different idea of what something should be than I have. We were so far apart on what we wanted (me: very light blue; him: navy blue) that a compromise to make us both happy seemed impossible. After many hours of sitting on couches (for the living room) and looking at thousands of paint chips (for the bathroom), we have almost always found something that we both really liked (Mediterranean blue).
And you know something? The things we compromised on are the best things in the house. We are both so much happier with them than what we originally thought that he wanted or what I wanted.


Anyway, my point is that no matter how far apart what you each want seems to be there is something somewhere that you will both love and when you find that ring you will both be happier.
I''m not saying it will be easy. You may have to spend hours and hours looking at websites and going to stores and trying on rings. But it will be worth it.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 11/17/2009 11:51:42 AM
Author: TooPatient
Don''t stone me. Read to the end first.


It is your birthday and you should be happy with the ring you get. That is important.


But:


It is his gift to you. It is a big purchase. It is a symbol of your continuing partnership in life. He should be happy with it too.



There have been many times that B has had a different idea of what something should be than I have. We were so far apart on what we wanted (me: very light blue; him: navy blue) that a compromise to make us both happy seemed impossible. After many hours of sitting on couches (for the living room) and looking at thousands of paint chips (for the bathroom), we have almost always found something that we both really liked (Mediterranean blue).

And you know something? The things we compromised on are the best things in the house. We are both so much happier with them than what we originally thought that he wanted or what I wanted.



Anyway, my point is that no matter how far apart what you each want seems to be there is something somewhere that you will both love and when you find that ring you will both be happier.

I''m not saying it will be easy. You may have to spend hours and hours looking at websites and going to stores and trying on rings. But it will be worth it.

Yes...but in YOUR situation, you guys compromised on something that was equally yours - the look of the home you live in. Bookworm''s situation has to do with a gift that only she will be wearing. Seems different to me.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 11/17/2009 11:31:26 AM
Author: packrat
I think if it''s a present for *you* then *you* should be the one who loves it. I thought that was the whole point in giving someone a gift, was that *they* liked it. If he still insists, get him a really nifty Christmas theme sweater as a gift..one with pretty snowflakes and smiley reindeer and give him a big grin and say ''Well, *I* like it, so *you* have to wear it!''

Ditto this

 

[princesss]

Date: 11/17/2009 3:17:28 PM
Author: Brown.Eyed.Girl

Date: 11/17/2009 11:51:42 AM
Author: TooPatient
Don''t stone me. Read to the end first.


It is your birthday and you should be happy with the ring you get. That is important.


But:


It is his gift to you. It is a big purchase. It is a symbol of your continuing partnership in life. He should be happy with it too.



There have been many times that B has had a different idea of what something should be than I have. We were so far apart on what we wanted (me: very light blue; him: navy blue) that a compromise to make us both happy seemed impossible. After many hours of sitting on couches (for the living room) and looking at thousands of paint chips (for the bathroom), we have almost always found something that we both really liked (Mediterranean blue).

And you know something? The things we compromised on are the best things in the house. We are both so much happier with them than what we originally thought that he wanted or what I wanted.



Anyway, my point is that no matter how far apart what you each want seems to be there is something somewhere that you will both love and when you find that ring you will both be happier.

I''m not saying it will be easy. You may have to spend hours and hours looking at websites and going to stores and trying on rings. But it will be worth it.

Yes...but in YOUR situation, you guys compromised on something that was equally yours - the look of the home you live in. Bookworm''s situation has to do with a gift that only she will be wearing. Seems different to me.

Agreed. If it was going to be on his finger half the time, I''d be more inclined to think he ought to have input. It''s not like it''s an anniversary band, either, which would go under the "continuing commitment" heading. It''s a birthday gift. And birthday gifts are about making the recipient happy, not the giver.

 

[bookworm240]

Thanks all ...nice to see that I am not being selfish or crazy...this time.

I hear you with the paint. It would make me very happy if he liked it, too. But I think I am going to make a stand that I have 2 votes to his one.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 11/17/2009 3:30:04 PM
Author: bookworm240
Thanks all ...nice to see that I am not being selfish or crazy...this time.

I hear you with the paint. It would make me very happy if he liked it, too. But I think I am going to make a stand that I have 2 votes to his one.

There ya go!!

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 11/17/2009 3:30:04 PM
Author: bookworm240
Thanks all ...nice to see that I am not being selfish or crazy...this time.


I hear you with the paint. It would make me very happy if he liked it, too. But I think I am going to make a stand that I have 2 votes to his one.

Good call!

 

[Lynn B]

Ohlord, if I only wore jewelry that MY HUSBAND likes...

He''s a wonderful man, and I totally adore him, but his taste in jewelry?

!!! Thank goodness he doesn''t seem to care WHAT I wear, though. Or there could be problems!!

(FWIW, IF he likes something I like, I do enjoy that and consider it a bonus. But I buy my stuff for *me*, ''cause I''m the one that will be wearing it!)

 

[Lynn B]

This reminds me of a GREAT story.

One of my coworkers once got a new haircut. Her husband's comment was, "Ohhhh, I don't really like it." Her reply, "Then don't get yours cut like this!"

*** LOVE THAT! ***

 

[princesss]

Date: 11/17/2009 4:21:36 PM
Author: Lynn B
This reminds me of a GREAT story.

One of my coworkers once got a new haircut. Her husband''s comment was, ''Ohhhh, I don''t really like it.'' Her reply, ''Then don''t get yours cut like this!''

*** LOVE THAT! ***

 

[iheartscience]

Yeah his taste doesn''t matter at all. This is a gift for you, and you''re the one who''s wearing it, not him. I think it''s pretty strange that he thinks his tastes should count in your gift, actually. It seems kind of controlling to insist that he has to like what he buys you. That makes the gift about HIM and not you, and you''re the one wearing it.

 

[Haven]

Date: 11/17/2009 4:21:36 PM
Author: Lynn B
This reminds me of a GREAT story.

One of my coworkers once got a new haircut. Her husband''s comment was, ''Ohhhh, I don''t really like it.'' Her reply, ''Then don''t get yours cut like this!''

*** LOVE THAT! ***

Oh, I love this!

I will never understand why some men feel that their partners should wear jewelry that they (the men) like. It really boggles the mind.

The only thing I wear that I actually consider my husband''s opinion on is lingerie, because let''s face it, I''m not wearing that for myself. Jewelry, on the other hand (ha!), is all about me and what I like when it''s on my body.