Children and fighting

[JulieN]

Looking for a sound-off, here.

Do you think it is okay to raise children with the attitude that they should never walk away from a fight? Not start them, certainly.

 

[Kaleigh]

I taught my kids to pick their battles. Cetainly there are some things worth fighting for, and others that should just be left be. Agree to disagree. That sort of thing.
Not sure if that''s what you''re looking for. Not sure of the ages these kids are supposed to be. But even little kids, I''d address it the same way, but in a way they''d understand....

 

[KimberlyH]

My parents are both EXTREMELY passive people and my sister and I were taught that if someone swings first it is absolutely okay to fight back. Neither one of us ever got into a physical altercation (i had a few girls try to provoke me but I always managed to talk my way out of it) and are no worse for the wear.

The difference is that now schools have no tolerance policies so it doesn''t matter if your child is provoked into or initiates the fight, they will likely either be suspended or expelled and I''ve heard of both happening.

So, no I don''t think there''s anything wrong with telling your child(ren) that it is acceptable to defend oneself if necessary, but I do think that you and they also need to be mindful of the fact that there will be consequences no matter where the fight takes place but especially at school.

 

[VegasAngel]

Well in the case of physical fighting I would prefer my kid not but if someone hits my daughter first she has my permission to fight back. My mother told me if someone ever hit me to fight back, I never got into any altercations.

 

[KimberlyH]

This is totally off topic, Julie, but I love your new avatar, even though it''s making me want dessert right after dinner!

 

[diamondfan]

I do not think physical reactions really resolve things, but that said I have certainly told my kids they are allowed to protect themselves. I tell them to find an adult, to walk away if there is an issue, but this is not always possible and sometimes the bully wants to fight and will keep on coming. In that scenario I say that of course you must defend against someone trying to hurt you, if getting away or getting an adult to help you is not an option.

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 5/30/2007 8:46:09 PM
Author:JulieN
Looking for a sound-off, here.

Do you think it is okay to raise children with the attitude that they should never walk away from a fight? Not start them, certainly.

fighting is good for kids.
Too many wimps in todays world.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 5/30/2007 8:46:09 PM
Author:JulieN
Looking for a sound-off, here.

Do you think it is okay to raise children with the attitude that they should never walk away from a fight? Not start them, certainly.

No, I don''t think it''s okay to teach a child that they should "never" walk away from a fight. I think they should be taught that they have the choice to stand up for themselves and to avoid physical violence or verbal altercations, if possible. Of course I believe that it''s ok to fight back if someone else starts it, but raising a child who is told to never back down and not teaching her/him how to talk things out or just know when to walk away is important. Ideally, I''d want to instill good judgment and reasoning in a child, so they knew when it was appropriate to fight back or walk away. Kind of a broad question you''re asking, though...and obviously I''m giving a very general answer, lol!

 

[JulieN]

Thanks, Kim. Food **** is so addicting!

I agree that there are too many wimpy kids.

I grew up with a lot of machismo in my martial arts school. Walking away from a fight was a sign of weakness, and it was sort of, "are you men or mice?" While I believe that "real men" don''t walk away from fights, especially those concerning the honor of those who are not in the position to stand up for themselves, I''m not sure if that''s a healthy attitude.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Kids can be victims of bullying if they don''t fight back. I hate fighting, but it''s generally best for a kid to defend himself.

 

[Kaleigh]

I''ve always told my kids to defend themselves. My daughter never got in any altercations. My son did a couple times, with a bully that was notorious for causing all sorts of fights. He kicked his as* one day, the kid never bothered him again. But this sort of thing is hard, if it happens at school where there is a zero tolerance rule for fighting, 1 strike and you''re out.... Luckily when my son did it, no one was the wiser, or the teachers looked the other way, saying you go boy!!

 

[divergrrl]

Julie,

My best friend from high school & her husband own a martial arts studio & they accept children starting at age 4 to adults. From what I''ve learned from watching their journey owning this business, is that courage & strength have nothing to do with machismo & "never backing down" but with balancing courage & mindfulness. Often times it is not about being "tough" but about knowing how to deal with a situation intelligently, even when others are not.

I''m a very peaceful person, and I don''t like fighting. I went and married Mr. Tough Guy (used to be a bar bouncer in Phoenix during his college days). So here I have this big bruiser of a dude for a hubby, and when we first started dating, he almost clocked a couple of guys who got up into his grill about something or were invading my space..yada yada yada. I finally got it through to him that hitting is for idiots, and that if I need his help (like someone is trying to hurt me) I will yell "Steve! Help!" and he can feel free to unleash the beast, so to speak. He actually learned to control his impulses & has realized that it is better to try and diffuse a situation than pour gasoline on it. (in 8 years there has only been 1 altercation)

He''s definitely in the camp of "never walk away from a fight" though. When our son first learned to walk & his little buddy would take his toys away from him, my husband told him "you have 2 things you can do here...share your toy or hold on tighter". I was horrified by that remark, but I let it slide, because I figure my son needs his dad to teach him things. Well, lo and behold, my son now either shares his toys, or holds on tighter.

I''m not sure if I want my son to learn all of daddy''s former kicka$$ ways, but one thing both of us agree on, is that we want our kids to have courage, but to know how to act intelligently to diffuse a situation, and that violence is a last resort ONLY to defend your life.

My daddy was a boxer in the navy & he taught me how to throw a punch as a young girl. He also taught me how to defend myself. Being a young 20something living alone in the city, that came in handy twice. I''ve only ever thrown one punch, but I was in a bad situation & it bought me time to run to safety (I don''t think most guys expect a girl, let alone a tiny one, would be able to throw a real punch to the face). Another time a wacko on drugs tried to attack me on the street leaving my office & I was in such a bad mood that I whirled around, pointed my finger in his face, and yelled "not today! You do NOT want to F&^$ with me today of all days!". Dude took one look at me and ran. (I had just lost an account & gotten reamed by my boss, and was in a foul mood...man...that was actually lucky I was that upset)

So while I think you have to teach kids how to brave & intelligent, I don''t think you have to teach violence. I think the good martial arts studios focus on inner strength and respect and don''t force feed a bunch of "attack! you will kill! destroy!" mentality. Most of the people I know who have advanced belts in martial arts are very peaceful folks, and do not like violence.

So yea, we''ll enroll our little boy at our friend''s martial arts school when he''s 4..our little girl too when she gets to that age. But sometimes its just more important to walk away. Violent folks are simply that way because they can''t intellectually deal with a problem. That said, you still need to know how to defend yourself, just in case....

Diver

 

[gailrmv]

Date: 5/31/2007 12:58:05 AM
Author: divergrrl

Julie,

My best friend from high school & her husband own a martial arts studio & they accept children starting at age 4 to adults. From what I''ve learned from watching their journey owning this business, is that courage & strength have nothing to do with machismo & ''never backing down'' but with balancing courage & mindfulness. Often times it is not about being ''tough'' but about knowing how to deal with a situation intelligently, even when others are not.

I''m a very peaceful person, and I don''t like fighting. I went and married Mr. Tough Guy (used to be a bar bouncer in Phoenix during his college days). So here I have this big bruiser of a dude for a hubby, and when we first started dating, he almost clocked a couple of guys who got up into his grill about something or were invading my space..yada yada yada. I finally got it through to him that hitting is for idiots, and that if I need his help (like someone is trying to hurt me) I will yell ''Steve! Help!'' and he can feel free to unleash the beast, so to speak. He actually learned to control his impulses & has realized that it is better to try and diffuse a situation than pour gasoline on it. (in 8 years there has only been 1 altercation)

He''s definitely in the camp of ''never walk away from a fight'' though. When our son first learned to walk & his little buddy would take his toys away from him, my husband told him ''you have 2 things you can do here...share your toy or hold on tighter''. I was horrified by that remark, but I let it slide, because I figure my son needs his dad to teach him things. Well, lo and behold, my son now either shares his toys, or holds on tighter.

I''m not sure if I want my son to learn all of daddy''s former kicka$$ ways, but one thing both of us agree on, is that we want our kids to have courage, but to know how to act intelligently to diffuse a situation, and that violence is a last resort ONLY to defend your life.

My daddy was a boxer in the navy & he taught me how to throw a punch as a young girl. He also taught me how to defend myself. Being a young 20something living alone in the city, that came in handy twice. I''ve only ever thrown one punch, but I was in a bad situation & it bought me time to run to safety (I don''t think most guys expect a girl, let alone a tiny one, would be able to throw a real punch to the face). Another time a wacko on drugs tried to attack me on the street leaving my office & I was in such a bad mood that I whirled around, pointed my finger in his face, and yelled ''not today! You do NOT want to F&^$ with me today of all days!''. Dude took one look at me and ran. (I had just lost an account & gotten reamed by my boss, and was in a foul mood...man...that was actually lucky I was that upset)

So while I think you have to teach kids how to brave & intelligent, I don''t think you have to teach violence. I think the good martial arts studios focus on inner strength and respect and don''t force feed a bunch of ''attack! you will kill! destroy!'' mentality. Most of the people I know who have advanced belts in martial arts are very peaceful folks, and do not like violence.

So yea, we''ll enroll our little boy at our friend''s martial arts school when he''s 4..our little girl too when she gets to that age. But sometimes its just more important to walk away. Violent folks are simply that way because they can''t intellectually deal with a problem. That said, you still need to know how to defend yourself, just in case....

Diver

I really agree with the highlighted part of what Diver wrote. I think kids get so many messages of violence being OK from the media, video games, peers etc. Whatever parents can teach at home about resolving situations peacefully, gets my vote. And, it does not hurt to take a self defense or martial arts class (when age appropriate) to give kids confidence that they can defend themselves if they need to.