Home Cat & DH - proper way to introduce them

[Rhea]

I figured since there a couple of threads on introducing cats to one another I''d see if there was a proper way to introduce DH & cat

Cat - 10 years old, calm, very sensitive, indoor cat, from no-kill shelter, only cat. Has lived with either me or my parents when I was at university since she was about 6 months old.

DH - mid-20s, very sensitive, only child, never had any pets growing up.

Cat & DH have lived together for about 18 months.

The cat has a schedule and loves to be around people. If I''m in a room, she follows. She and I chat away to each other. Cat clearly doesn''t like DH. Used to poop and pee on him, still hisses at him some. I had him take over the feeding to try to win her over. Some days are better than others. Cat clearly loves me more. She sits on my lap and purs and wants to be pet, but cowers or hides when DH enters the room.

Cat is very slow to warm up. Very slow. I hate that she doesn''t like DH. He gets annoyed that I''m the favorite and storms off, which scares her. DH tries but does seem to expect animals to conform to his schedule and his wants. Just because he feeds her for a week straight doesn''t earn him the right to pet her at any given time in her eyes. DH thinks it should.

Any tips on getting DH & Cat on better terms? It''s still improving but DH and I argue about expectations with the cat every month or so.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Maybe try catnip or canned cat food (lots and lots of it!):

I'd have to say that after 18 months, there may be little chance of your dh and cat becoming best buds. Sorry to bring such bad news. My cat has lived with my DH for over 10 years and she's still a brat to him. In fact, she's still a brat to me. Thank goodness I have a second cat who's a sweetie.

Part of owning a cat is appreciating their neurotic nature. You dh is going to have to live with that.

Pick up the following support guide:

http://www.amazon.com/How-Live-Neurotic-Stephen-Baker/dp/0517207346/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1219181557&sr=8-1

 

[Rhea]

Thanks for the recommendations.

I honestly don''t mind them not being best buds. I''d like DH to have more realistic expectations about her odd behavior and her not to hiss at him. I consider cat no longer drawing DH''s blood on a regular basis to be improvement, but I''d like it to get a bit better still.

Right now DH & I are in this defensive cycle where I think her bad behavior should be ignored. She hisses, I walk away. I don''t like her hissing but reward the good, punish the bad. DH sees it as a personal slight, says no to her, she hisses again, he says no again, she hisses again. I remind him that telling her no in a louder than normal voice isn''t helping the situaiton, he says she needs to learn. Cat sits in corner glaring. DH thinks I side with the cat and glares at me from the corner too. Not good for DH & my relationship.

I think DH would be easier to reason with than the cat

, but we''re both firmly in our corners at this point which causes the disagreements when cat acts up. Me, being the most reasonable of all three of us

needs to come with a better approach since the current one isn''t working.

 

[Aloros]

What about having him feed her special treats by hand? Does she have a toy she really likes that your DH can use to play with her?

 

[FireGoddess]

I think your DH is the one who needs to adjust his expectations. Most cats will come around in time, though my parents have a cat that just HATES me and nothing I do will ever change that...so there is a possibility it might not get better. But cats are pretty adaptable and really, it is all about trust.

My 2nd cat, Holly, was a rescued stray and would get petting aggression fairly quickly. It took time and me carefully watching her signals that enough petting was ENOUGH and over time, I read those signals properly and stopped petting appropriately, and now she LOVES to be petted by me, comes head bonking and licking my forehead all the time, and sits in my lap. This is because she now TRUSTS me to stop petting her before she gets POed by it. If the cat actually lets your DH pet her, he should stop petting her well in advance of her getting POed by it - in fact, he should stop at a point that leaves her wanting more petting. This is how she associates positive things with him. That's also what feeding does, or treat giving.

My 1st cat, Chloe, is a pathologically terrified cat. She would ONLY come out when I was home alone and when DH moved in (before we got married) it took quite awhile for her to 'warm' up to him. Even now, years later, she still darts off the bed and runs underneath it when he comes home at night, but once we're all settled in she hops right back on and lets him pet her all night. Your DH needs to realize that it's GOT to be on the cat's terms. It will never be the other way around. Once he realizes that, he can actually enjoy the cat. They (the cats) sense your feelings you know - I'm sure the cat senses his frustration and it likely makes her uneasy. He needs to just let it go, and let the cat dictate the terms of their relationship.

ETA: About the hissing...he needs to get that she is NOT a dog. Him telling her 'no' when she hisses is hilariously ridiculous. She IS communicating with him...telling him 'back the f!!k off' and he's NOT listening. He needs to respect the boundary. Him not doing that is only pissing the cat off more. If she scratches or nips, it's appropriate to say 'NO!' but the hissing...she's telling him to leave her alone right now. He should listen. (He's not 'teaching' her anything except to hate him, sorry to inform him.) She doesn't trust him because he is NOT respecting her boundaries and until he does, she isn't going to trust him. And trust is the key to it ALL.

 

[moremoremore]

Ditto!

Hi Fire!

How the heck does a cat poop on someone? LOL

I have not much to add except that if it hasn't been stated, DH should be the only one to feed the cat its daily meals on a regular basis...ie, every meal..
...make a point of having the cat in the room when DH opens the food and puts it in the bowl...you shouldn't be around........get the get used to thinking hmmmm, DH = treats!

Don't expect true love...could it happen, sure....could it not happen, sure. My vinny adores me and couldn't care less about husband...aggression is not tolerated and doesn't happen (unless hubby is yelling and making a lot of noice with a plastic bag bc Vinny gets confused and scared).....But kitty maybe grow to tolerate DBH which is better than nothing...some cats are one person cats....and they are creatures of habit.

 

[Miranda]

Ok, I don''t mean to make light of this, but, this cat poops and pees on HIM??? OMG, I''m hysterical. I had a cat that would barf in DH''s shoes. They were NEVER fond of each other. I second having him feed the cat. My current cat looks for DH every evening because he is the one that cleans the box and feeds him in the evening.

 

[moremoremore]

LOL- right?- LOL...sorry Addy...I KNOW it's not funny bc I love cats so much, but I just still don't get how a cat can poop on him...LOL..it takes my cats such a long time...they just sit there in the box with their heads sticking out of the box opening straining like they'e going to pop a blood vessel LMAO...do they make kitty fiber-con?

 

[FireGoddess]

So nice to ''see'' you, MMM.

You are right about the LOL factor regarding the poop - mine sit there with fur rippling waves of squeezing to get those suckers out so the kitty in question must be reallllly good with the fiber!!!

 

[applequeen]

My DH has a habit of brushing Maddie (my calt) every morning before he leaves for work. It''s really helped them bond and she loves to be brushed... even at first when she was unsure of him she would still run over to him because she just can''t resist it.

Maybe something like that would help.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Have you given any thought to what her situation may have been like prior to going to the shelter? For example, my ex-bf and I purchased my cat Murphy together. I''ve always been a cat person and I adore this one to the MAX! I mean like crazy-cat-lady-want-to-dress-him-up adore him. The ex quickly discovered that he was not a cat person and that they couldn''t be disciplined like a dog. He wasn''t very nice to the cat and that''s one of the reasons why he''s now an ex.I can''t stand anyone being cruel to animals. Anyway, Murphy developed a fear of men following this experience. With exception of my father and my now FI who both have gentle voices. He cowers, shaking in fear whenever he hears a masculine voice. And OMG, if the voice is raised he''ll hide and we wont see him for days.

So maybe an experience like this has something to do with it?

 

[Rhea]

Date: 8/19/2008 7:33:05 PM
Author: FireGoddess
If the cat actually lets your DH pet her, he should stop petting her well in advance of her getting POed by it - in fact, he should stop at a point that leaves her wanting more petting. This is how she associates positive things with him. That''s also what feeding does, or treat giving.

They (the cats) sense your feelings you know - I''m sure the cat senses his frustration and it likely makes her uneasy. He needs to just let it go, and let the cat dictate the terms of their relationship.

ETA: About the hissing...he needs to get that she is NOT a dog. Him telling her ''no'' when she hisses is hilariously ridiculous. She IS communicating with him...telling him ''back the f!!k off'' and he''s NOT listening. He needs to respect the boundary. Him not doing that is only pissing the cat off more. If she scratches or nips, it''s appropriate to say ''NO!'' but the hissing...she''s telling him to leave her alone right now. He should listen. (He''s not ''teaching'' her anything except to hate him, sorry to inform him.) She doesn''t trust him because he is NOT respecting her boundaries and until he does, she isn''t going to trust him. And trust is the key to it ALL.

I''ve broken your post into three important points.

The first - him leaving her alone before she gets POed. I think we''ve mastered that. We both have. I agree with you completely and it took DH just a couple of weeks to learn to pet quickly and walk away from her rather than her from him.

The second - I know the cat can sense things and I''d love for DH to relax. Easier said than done. He also acknowledges that this is something to improve on, not getting frustrated with her because she can tell.

The third - This is where I need help. Lots of help. DH and I see this differently and as I said above we''re both firmly in our corners on this one. I leave cat alone when she hisses, he No''s her. Any ideas on how to get it through to him, without making DH even more defensive than he already is? Me saying "honey, I''m don''t think that''s helping. Why not walk away and come back to her in a bit?" upsets DH. I try to reason as best I know how and not be defensive so DH stays calm as well, but it''s not working. If you have ideas on how to bring around DH to seeing my side please please let me know. Currently he just sees it as me encouraging the cat''s hissing behaviour because I don''t tell her off. I see it as him frightening her and making the situation worse.

 

[Lorelei]

FG and Moresie, I am howling here!!!

My cats are the same, going p--p is a HUGE deal and performance!

Addy, I was thinking of the Feliway plug in, apparently it does help and it contains calming pheromones which can help a cat, see if your vet sells it.

www.feliway.com

 

[Rhea]

The feeding - DH currently does most of it. When he''s out I do it. Cat started by ignoring the food when he gave it to her until we''d gone to bed. Now she eats no matter who feeds her.

The pooping - it is funny! DH and I will sometimes to sit on the floor to watch TV. Cat walks over and sits in my lap. I get up for whatever reason. Cat sees another warm body and climbs into DH''s lap. After a few minutes she''d either poop or pee and then leave to go back to her cushion. At first I thought it was a coincidence, but it happened too often. DH stopped letting the cat sit on him. It hasn''t happened for a while.

The shelter - we''ve discussed and thought about the shelter situation a bit. Cat loves DH''s friends, sleeps on their faces when they come over (ok, so maybe she hates them and is trying to kill them), climbs into their laps. It honestly just appears to be DH (and an old roommate). I think his personality might not be right for this cat, whether that''s due to the shelther experience or not.

Toys and treats - She doesn''t play feathery with DH at all. Sits and glares at him. Usually she loves it. I do tend to treat more than DH. Cat is overweight so DH doesn''t treat. She''s not that overweight, enjoys a treat sometimes, and I think it''s more important that she like him so I treat and encourage him to do so.

I''ll try to get DH to treat, play, and brush more. And quit treating her like a dog

I have to play the bad cop and I''m not good at it when it comes to cat. Last time she went to the vet I was the meanie who drove the car, put her on the vet''s table, and didn''t comfort her. DH did the petting, letting her hide under his chin and shirt, and saving her from the vet''s table.

Thanks everyone, I love reading the stories. I feel better than I felt last night when the cat hissed and DH & I got into it over how to handle it when she hisses.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I should probably clarify the shelter statement. I didn''t mean to imply that something happened to the cat while in the shelter, but that something may have happened prior to that.

 

[FireGoddess]

I think the key here is to explain to him that hissing is NOT bad behavior - it's communication. She's doing him a favor by hissing because the alternative is being attacked, quite frankly.

It's like if he was having a rotten day, plain all out, flat out HORRIBLE day and he told you 'please leave me alone' and you said, 'NO!' and then he told you again, 'seriously, please leave me alone right now' and you said, 'NO!'...I mean, how ridiculous is that?!?! This situation is not completely the same of course, because you and he are actually speaking the same language. It's not like that for the cat.

Would this line of reasoning be understandable to him? He's got to understand the BASIC tenet that hissing is NOT bad behavior. It's communication. She can't speak english to say 'hey dude, leave me alone.' I feel for you. It's hard to train people that aren't cat people.

 

[Rhea]

Actually, FG, that''s a point. It kinda all just clicked for me when I read that. DH doesn''t leave me alone when I have a bad day. He wants to talk. He follows me around the flat trying to get me to tell him what''s wrong. There have been times that I''ve literally turned on him and started shouting to be left alone. It took him a several years of dating me and several months of living with me before he realised that I do best when I come to him after a really bad day.

New way to frame it that will probably click with him as well. Thanks!

 

[Rhea]

Date: 8/20/2008 2:24:24 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I should probably clarify the shelter statement. I didn''t mean to imply that something happened to the cat while in the shelter, but that something may have happened prior to that.

Hudson, thanks for clearing it up. I hope my response didn''t come off as dismissive to you. I''m trying to type fast and respond to everything.

We know a bit about cat''s history. The shelter told us that her litter was abandoned on the front door step of the shelter when very young. Cat was the smallest and spent all day hiding. I have a thing for the odd one out and it shows in my cat. She was the last of her litter to be adopted as she was hiding under the furniture and cages all the time so no one would find her. She''s a torti - famous for their temper although every vet says that she isn''t as tempermental as they normally are.

After adoption she lives with our family, dog, g pig, and my sister''s calico cat - another type known for their temper. Calico and my cat didn''t get along. This likely didn''t help. Cat likes other animals that are smaller than her, ie - the g pig, but tends to fear other cats. I wasn''t familiar enough with cats or mine in particular to really understand how damaging it was to her.


When I went to university cat lived with parents and sometimes sister''s cat - kept seperate but still in same house. After university she lived with me, house mate and her cat. House mate''s cat loved to play and thought everyone was his friend. My scarded cat didn''t like him and his playful ways so they were seperated too after both of them ended up at the vets.

Current house is the first one she''s had with no other cats.

I do think early life and other cats/houses have tramatised her. I feel pretty guilty about it sometimes but also realise that there''s not much I can do now but watch out for her more because she frightens easily and is pretty sensitive.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 8/20/2008 2:07:05 PM
Author: Lorelei
FG and Moresie, I am howling here!!!

My cats are the same, going p--p is a HUGE deal and performance!


Addy, I was thinking of the Feliway plug in, apparently it does help and it contains calming pheromones which can help a cat, see if your vet sells it.


www.feliway.com

Thanks! We used to use it a lot, but stopped. We plugged it back in last night. I think it has a calming effect on me as well

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 8/20/2008 3:17:47 PM
Author: Addy

She's a torti - famous for their temper although every vet says that she isn't as tempermental as they normally are.

That's funny - my parents' cat that hates me is a tortie. The only cat on EARTH that doesn't love me immediately. LOL.

I am glad my other post made sense to you and I hope it gets through to your DH! It sounds like you had to train him with your own brand of 'hissing' as well. LOL. Good luck.