Can you share a time when you realized a friend wasn't really your friend?

[missy]

what i really dislike about face book is its just too gosipy for me
its not one on one friendship

also the internet can be very narcissistic
the number of times i see my self writting I and me, im not like that in person at a

It's all what you make of it IMO. I don't friend most people on FB and don't accept friendships from people I am not well acquainted with and the only people I am friends with on FB are my friends. So I have a different experience than those who have thousands of friends on FB. I mean how can one be friends with thousands of people? LOL. And I am not on FB most of the time. I check it every now and then to see new photos my friends share and occasionally I will share some too. But it's rarer and rarer now as I have been trending my social media time downwards as I just haven't been in the mood. And I learned to listen to my mind and body.

I say use it to make it work for you and walk away when it isn't working for you.

 

[missy]

I’m so sorry that so many of us have experienced pain and sadness at the hands of “friends” - I’ve been through the same stuff.

My bestie of more than a decade suddenly became a distant associate, for reasons that remain a mystery to me, and I had to learn to let her go. We are still in touch, but lightly, and I ask nothing of her. When we’re together, there is briefly ‘good old days’ energy, but it quickly fades. I respect her space and we merely text from time to time. It hurt when it first happened, and it hurts now. I’m used to it though and I accept that she has boundaries, and that her life by and large no longer includes me.

I’ve been on the other side too, in two instances. One friend is raising two sons, one of whom is a miniature tyrant, a real sociopath, and the other of whom has lifelong special needs. Her mothering responsibilities are incredible and I don’t envy her at all. I’m always available to chat with her but I’ve had to withdraw from spending time in person because her sons are so badly behaved. Now, before I’m roasted alive for being insensitive, I’m not. But there are limits to what I can tolerate, and both sons are so spoilt and rude that I just can’t stand it. I won’t allow them to destroy my home, so they aren’t invited over any more. So I chat with her by messenger and when she needs a lift to the airport, I can help. But spending time with her face to face makes me crazy. I know that she will have felt a distance between us. It doesn’t feel right to be the ‘bad guy’ either. But if I had to tell her that she’s creating another Dahmer, and that I can’t stand to watch it happen, she would be hurt, but she wouldn’t change, so it would be pointless. I’m doing the southern thing, I suppose. Loving her from afar, until her eldest goes off to college.

Another friend I decided to walk away from because she revealed herself to be legitimately Crazy. An energy vampire. Endlessly needy. She behaved like a child! She is one of those Barbie doll types, deliberately helpless, always needing rescue, never solving her own problems. She refuses to wear her car seatbelt, stay sober at Lunch, pay her income taxes, lock her house doors while away, pay her parking tickets and HOA fees, vote, scoop the cat pan for the gorgeous cat she adopted from me (see my previous thread about Tess) .... so many of the normal things that get us through our days as functioning adults, she just refused. And when the sh*t hit the fan, she needed rescuing, over and over, while complaining of how unfair she was being treated. For example, I’d been petsitting for her, for her terribly ill but very sweet dog, and finally, when she asked me to come rescue her once again, and I just couldn’t manage to make the 35-minute drive to her place while I was under the weather, she stonewalled me, wigged out, and had him euthanized. I was absolutely shocked. She demanded that I call her daily, and respond to endless texts about whatever drama she was enjoying at the minute. Finally I turned my phone off. She lost her cool when I didn’t respond! When I turned back on, logged back in, and saw the pushy whiny cajoling, I told her that sometimes I just wasn’t going to be available. That I wasn’t trying to be rude but I just shut down and needed a break from everything. I really didn’t want to hurt anyone, but I can’t spend all day and night communicating. Never heard from her again. I’m glad we aren’t friends anymore.

Sorry to have written such a novel. The thing about PS is that, since it’s not Facebook, we get to truly express how we feel. I used to be able to do that online, but now that I use Facebook for work, I can’t be authentic there. I have to be professional. And admitting that life isn’t all sunshine and roses just isn’t ok there anymore. I’m so glad to be on PS. Thanks for reading, and for being so tolerant. I’m not perfect and I have a lot to learn. But I’m willing to try.

I am sorry you went through that but yes for taking care of yourself and getting out whole from that situation. And I am glad you are on PS @PreRaphaelite. You are warm and kind and a wonderful addition to PS and I can bet that we are all glad you are here! Hugs.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

It's all what you make of it IMO. I don't friend most people on FB and don't accept friendships from people I am not well acquainted with and the only people I am friends with on FB are my friends. So I have a different experience than those who have thousands of friends on FB. I mean how can one be friends with thousands of people? LOL. And I am not on FB most of the time. I check it every now and then to see new photos my friends share and occasionally I will share some too. But it's rarer and rarer now as I have been trending my social media time downwards as I just haven't been in the mood. And I learned to listen to my mind and body.

I say use it to make it work for you and walk away when it isn't working for you.

agreed
see Melanie posts a lot on face book so she doesn't havevto keep repeating herself
but then every Tom,Dick and Harry knows stuff her Dad should know before
Gary had a security scare with it (unrelated to the family) and it was just eaiser for him to deleted his account but he also can't be bothered trawling through pages and pages of stuff to get to the important stuff
ive never done facebook so i don't really know how it works

 

[Begonia]

I’ve had frenemies, and have had close friends disappoint me.

I was close friends with a woman whom I met thru our son’s school. She was very supportive of me thru rough times (my Mom dying) and I of her (her husband leaving her). She always seemed to really dislike my son (who is still friends with her son), and thru a period in middle school encouraged him to unfriend my boy. She dropped me like a hot potato when she befriended a very wealthy woman and her family. It was incredibly painful for my son and I. She would cancel dates and just stopped calling. I gave up and so did my son. Later in high school they reconnected and are good friends in University. Her and I go for coffee now and again, but the trust isn’t there.

Another woman unfriended me completely about 5 years ago. I was quite upset about that, but it turns out she was having an affair on her husband. I did go thru a long period examining how I am as a person after that episode, and realize I’m too people - pleasing and accommodating. I needed to set more boundaries and adjust expectations - and speak up when presented with a load of crap.

I feel your pain missy, if something has happened to prompt this thread. I’ve had some friendships dissolve that were so upsetting I stopped menstruating. I had to learn how to not get so upset and take it on. Still working on that.

Friendships ebb and flow and some end completely.

 

[mrs-b]

This never happens to me. But the flip side, of course, is that I am often accused of not considering people 'true friends'. I have many people I like who are friendly acquaintances, but not a lot of people who cross the threshold to 'true friend'. For me, it takes a lot of time to get to that level. In my experience, people who are friends for over 10 years will *probably* be in your life forever. Less than that, and it's iffy.

My true friends are as important to me as family, and that's just not the case for most people. They're the people who would take your dogs in if you died, or lend you money if times were tough, or hand you a key to their front door if your house burnt down - except that you probably already have the key to their front door. They drive you to that 4.30am departure flight in the middle of the night, you took them to the dr with you when you got your cancer diagnosis, you don't need to ask before helping yourself to their fridge. They're in your will - a lot. And you never. EVER. dump each other. If someone walks out of your life, they were never a true friend. Period. True friends are forever.

I have a small handful of friends like that. I've introduced them to each other - because how can you NOT when people are that close to you? - and they are all friends also. A couple of them married each other. Two more dated for a long time. They will be in my life forever and I would do whatever it took, give whatever needed to be given, compromise my own comfort to any degree, to remain true to those people. I have 2 cut offs; the only things that would end one of my real friendships is if said person hurt one of my dogs, or slept with my husband. Anything else can be resolved. Anything. Crash my car, burn down my house, call me a bitch to my face - and we can work it through.

As for finding out certain people didn't like me - that happens all the time. I'm warm and funny and generous. But I'm opinionated and people often find that threatening. I'm also very confident, and a lot of people - women particularly - don't like that at all. I am not the tiniest bit gender-submissive and simply don't *understand* sexism or how some people seem to justify it - which is mind blowing and horribly confronting for a lot of men. I'm very bright and don't try to hide it, I can be direct to the point of offense, and as I've grown older have lost patience with people in general. Give me an animal - ANY animal - any day. There are quite a lot of people to whom this does not endear me. People can also find me overly direct and read this as confrontational- which it isn't, but which they don't understand. And I never play games, which means I can ride roughshod over people's sensibilities.

However, sometimes I discover people dislike me for completely unexpected reasons - which was the case when I received some FB texts about me, clearly meant for someone else. This was from someone to whom I had only ever been friendly and to whom I had offered support in the past. I didn't know them well nor were we true friends or anything like it. But, by golly!, I knew them a whole lot better after I read their texts! As it turned out, I was miffed because their criticisms were very unfair. But sense of loss? Nada. I'm super picky about friends, and am consequently rarely hurt in this manner.

 

[chrono]

Friends come and go for me. I am too much of an introvert with trust issues to have super close friends. I still keep most everything to myself as I view it as it's none of their business.