Bullying by adults towards adults.

[Missy]

Just wondering what is your definition of this and how do you deal with it? I haven't experienced this in real life however I see examples of this online and thought it would be interesting to discuss.

My first inclination is to ignore and not respond. Always a hard one (for me) to stand by however.
When I see someone else being bullied it is harder to remain quiet.

I have also noticed bullies tend to find each other.

Not trying to start a fight and genuinely interested in what you consider bullying and how you handle it. We have had threads discussing bullying of children but I couldn't find one discussing adult bullying.


Let me be clear. I don't consider disagreeing with each other or stating facts and thoughts and debating ideas to be bullying. However I think when one is being bullied they usually know it. I always invite a healthy debate but one that becomes a constant pummeling can feel quite punishing and I wonder where do you think it crosses the line...

 

[lyra]

I would respond to state my opinion, then leave it. You cannot control what actions others take, only your own response or lack of response to it. I don't really do passive aggression. My bullish tendency is more toward brutal honesty in a clumsy and blunt way. If I get really angry, I will definitely say something stupid. These are things I need to keep in check, because unless it's something that is directly affecting me in a real life way, it's absolutely not worth the effort to trade blows with some internet stranger. Believe me, I've been there and done that, and it brings you down to do that. I also think adults should act like adults. That's also something I have to remind myself. I'm deeply imperfect, stick my foot in my mouth, say stupid things and regret it later, but that's just me.

 

[the_mother_thing]

Regardless of the setting (online or IRL): threatening or 'pack mentality' type attacks by one person/majority group toward another person/minority group.

 

[OreoRosies86]

Bullying isn't a word I use lightly, just for the sheer fact that there are some people out there who are really and truly bullied (work, school, hell even mommy yoga classes as a friend of mine went through ). Being harassed for being gay, overweight, having red hair, having an accent, making less money, personality clashes, power plays, you name it and someone can bully you for it.

We are all adults who survived middle school. Unfortunately for some the mentality of wanting to be in a "gang" never really goes away.

Online there are snotty people, and people we would most likely not be friends with in real life. There are people who have said things that would make it so I might not give them more than a smile and a nod at a get together. I wouldn't snub them but I wouldn't be super open to a friendship, and that's okay. We are adults and we are not in school anymore forced to be with people we don't vibe with. It's okay to acknowledge that and still be civil.

Now where online shenanigans stop and bullying starts is often in the things that happen off site. Private facebook groups, emails, snark sites, all designed to "out" people in real life and systematically attack them. These are the lowest of the low who don't have the balls to say exactly what they mean on the forum. Maybe they want to let loose without being moderated, maybe they are too chickensh!t to have a confrontation, but that is where I draw my line.

I have a few people here I have exchanged pleasant emails with and am friends with on facebook/Instagram and I LOVE that. My real passion is cats and bling so this makes PS home base for me. Other than those off site interactions I can close the laptop and not think about any of the other people on here until I log on again.

 

[redwood66]

I have seen plenty of bullying IRL for decades. Online it would depend what one considers bullying and one's response to it. Disagreements or a difference of opinion should not be considered bullying. When someone resorts to name calling then attempting any further discussion is futile. One should also realize that people vary.


I am curious since you brought this up what you consider bullying. You did not mention that in your post, just that you have seen it.

 

[ruby59]

I have seen plenty of bullying IRL for decades. Online it would depend what one considers bullying and one's response to it. Disagreements or a difference of opinion should not be considered bullying. When someone resorts to name calling then attempting any further discussion is futile. One should also realize that people vary.


I am curious since you brought this up what you consider bullying. You did not mention that in your post, just that you have seen it.

For me, it is when you are having a discussion with someone and friends of that person pile on. And by that I mean they do not discuss the issue at hand, but slam the poster with the unpopular view.

They make comments such as "why bother." Or she is just doing this" to get a reaction."

Posters who dismiss you under the guise they do not want to fight with you.

There is a thread referring to a poster who posts threads just to bait people. I wonder who they mean?

I have been referred to a troll more than once - much more.

I have read remarks where I should be ignored, and life will be much happier.

Some have been pretty clear here that I am on their ignore list.

Now before another poster claims that once again, I am making this all about me, - you asked and I answered from my perspective.

 

[PintoBean]

Someone said to me that hurt people HURT people.

I've been working on "stop and think"... maybe this person is behaving this way because they are hurting, themselves, so let it go and walk away.

 

[ruby59]

Someone said to me that hurt people HURT people.

I've been working on "stop and think"... maybe this person is behaving this way because they are hurting, themselves, so let it go and walk away.

With all due respect I find what you just said bullying. I even had to endure one particular rude poster who tried to psychoanalyze me with this same comment.

 

[Alybetter]

Someone said to me that hurt people HURT people.

I've been working on "stop and think"... maybe this person is behaving this way because they are hurting, themselves, so let it go and walk away.

Agree. Most times I think a bully is basically just a person with pain, vulnerabilities and an inability to cope with their own shortcomings. You don't have control of how other people treat you, or the things they say or do, generally. But you can control your reaction to them. I just don't give them any fuel. I'm always cordial, respectful and think before I post. That's the best I can do.

 

[OreoRosies86]

Someone said to me that hurt people HURT people.

I've been working on "stop and think"... maybe this person is behaving this way because they are hurting, themselves, so let it go and walk away.

Agreed, and this is what most experts would say. Happy and secure people don't systematically bully others.

 

[ruby59]

Someone said to me that hurt people HURT people.

I've been working on "stop and think"... maybe this person is behaving this way because they are hurting, themselves, so let it go and walk away.

Agreed, and this is what most experts would say. Happy and secure people don't systematically bully others.

Happy and secure people see this is a futile effort and just bow out.

 

[Matata]

I don't recall seeing adults bullied in real life. We did have a situation here a number of years ago where a group of PS posters formed a private group (I think it was on FB) and decided to target posters here. It was, imo, horrific. They would pile on a person they didn't like and fill the thread with insults. Some were passive-aggressive and some were adept at psychological manipulation. It was like being trapped in a perpetual jr. high school bully group. They were outed by one of their own if I remember correctly after a PS member who was benign and liked was forced off the forum due to the bile and vitriol.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I think bullying is a group dynamic. It doesn't have to be a large group. but they find something that someone said that they can get huffy about and then they go about disparaging that person relentlessly, no matter how the person attacked reacts going forward. They act as if they want to crush that person. Nothing stops them. I have 2 people on my ignore list who fit my bill. These two are repeated attackers on others. In fact one was a leader against Kenny once that was outrageous. He stopped coming here he was so offended.

There are a few who have tried to call them on it, but others have said that PS was always like that. It means nothing, only a good fight. When people leave, or are so insulted they have to take a time out- because of it--that is going too far.

There are some who may have participated in an incident of bullying, but make a contribution to PS that outweighs a mistake in judgement, so I get over their behavior. Others I do not.

I love some people on here because they stick up for the attacked. Junebug is my hero on one of those unpleasant incidences.
I only tried to stop it with one short sentence and then beat it out of there,, but Junebug did a hell of a job trying to stop it, and later criticized those who participated. They never saw themselves as bullies. Of course the person left.

Its usually a group of people. I don't see it in real life.

Annette

 

[siamese3]

My mom is a bully. It took me a long time to realize this, and it was really only after I was a married adult did it start to sink in. My husband is a pretty well adjusted, and self-aware person and after many 2 to 3 week visits from my mother, he would offer up his "insights" as to how we interacted (my mom and I) and it was very enlightening. Over the years, I have really begun to understand my behavior better. For reference, I believe that my Mom was bullied by her father and I think it is very often the case that those who bully, were bullied as a child. Perhaps a coping mechanism and a way to try to control things in the world one can't control. She just really tries to browbeat you into submission.

 

[kenny]

I have read only the OP of this thread.

I've seen Ruby59 bullied here on Hangout.
Like each of us, she has a right to be herself and post any way she wants (within PS policy limits of course) without harassment and pile ons.

Though don't agree with her on some things I do not like to see her, or anyone, bullied.
It's fine to disagree and post your disagreement about the topic, but I try to never make it personal, or join a pile on.

 

[kenny]

I gotta add ...

As a kid I was viciously bullied, in school, in church, and even in my home by my dad and brothers beacause I didn't fit their picture of how masculine a boy was "SUPPOSED TO" be.
I didn't fit in, and to this day I don't bother to.

Seeing bullying really pushes my buttons.

Bullying is the result of people not accepting that people vary.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Someone said to me that hurt people HURT people.

I've been working on "stop and think"... maybe this person is behaving this way because they are hurting, themselves, so let it go and walk away.

Agree. Most times I think a bully is basically just a person with pain, vulnerabilities and an inability to cope with their own shortcomings. You don't have control of how other people treat you, or the things they say or do, generally. But you can control your reaction to them. I just don't give them any fuel. I'm always cordial, respectful and think before I post. That's the best I can do.

I agree with this motto very much.

 

[LLJsmom]

I consider bullying instances where an innocent person is attacked in response to their opinion about a situation, when people make it personal. For example, I say "I like chocolate cake." Then someone says, "You like chocolate cake because you are a loser." I would be receptive to a response that addressed the issue. If they responded, "I don't like chocolate cake because of x, y or z." that would be ok for me. When they attack the person instead of the addressing the issue, I feel there is bullying. This is why I don't like to participate in discussions when people get personal. I have specifically asked a person, "Why are you attacking xxx when xxx wasn't even talking about you or to you?" The response was, "Well, I get attacked all the time."

Yes, I know that people pass on the treatment that they received. However, I don't think that is right. People should be responsible for their own actions and words, and not blame others. I attack you because I was attacked by him. Being attacked does not give me an excuse to lash out personally at others who are innocent. I try to keep the discussion about the issue, and not the person. If I don't think I can, then I withdraw because I don't want to be THAT person, the bitter, angry person that hurts other when I am hurt. If everyone behaved that way, the world would be just one person attacking another, and on top of that, issues would never be resolved because people are busy attacking each other. It is just plain ineffective at improving the situation, and makes the situation worse.

So maybe my definition of bullying is too broad. Maybe I'm too sensitive. That's fine. I withdraw. I'm stopping it at me.

 

[OreoRosies86]

Bullying is a big issue, but I really don't respond to victim mentality and attention seeking. I worked with a girl who was like that. She was really young and always in some drama. No attacked her but no one catered to her attention seeking either. If you're always a victim, you might ask yourself why.

She and I actually ended up becoming cool, but she was like a 21 year old kitten and I was a momma cat who bonked her on the nose a few times and told her to cut it out.

I don't see anyone being bullied here, but that's one girl's opinion. PS is basically the nicest forum I have ever frequented. You can make amazing friendships here!

 

[the_mother_thing]

I didn't want to single Ruby out earlier, but since she mentioned it, I felt her treatment in the women's march thread was what I consider textbook online bullying. And reading the replies here certainly gives me some 'insight to intent' to consider when reading some of the more 'hostile' posts here and elsewhere.

Here is a recent (albeit more mild) example that IMO reflects the "pack mentality" I referenced earlier, stemming from a difference in opinion. There are others that are worse, but I am not going hunting for them.

I really don't care if you think I'm an a$$ or not. You have your opinion of me and I certainly have mine of you. And your hyper fixation on having the last word is evident in literally every thread you ever participate in, so peace.

Word. And the use of the passive aggressive wavey emoticon.

Personal attacks, pack mentality, topped with a passive aggressive comment accusing me of being ... 'passive aggressive'.


And:

Your constant emoji laden, dismissive, taunting? That's insulting. It's insulting to basically everyone here.

I am not sure how this person would know this (that I am allegedly 'insulting everyone on PS') if she and assumably others hadn't taken discussion of my comments offline/elsewhere, which was also noted up-thread to be 'bullying'.

So, "Don't be wordy", "don't use emojis", "don't insult me when I label & insult you". There seems to be a group of posters who insist others conform to their way of thinking, posting, writing, mock others' beliefs, call them names, etc., and they gang up on those who don't 'conform' ... again, textbook pack mentality & bullying.

Young children don't always know better; adults absolutely should.

 

[sonnyjane]

If someone yanks on a dog's tail over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, I don't consider the dog a bully for biting.

 

[katharath]

PS is basically the nicest forum I have ever frequented. You can make amazing friendships here!

YES this. I've been frequenting forums since they became a "thing", and I've formed friendships that have lasted many years from the various forums I've been a part of - but I've always thought this about PS. There are quite a lot of really great people here, to the point that it actually stands out to me.

 

[katharath]

If someone yanks on a dog's tail over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, I don't consider the dog a bully for biting.

Yep!

 

[OreoRosies86]

If someone yanks on a dog's tail over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, I don't consider the dog a bully for biting.

Yup. Reality checks needed, methinks!

 

[the_mother_thing]

If someone yanks on a dog's tail over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, I don't consider the dog a bully for biting.

Perhaps, but the dog still gets put down in the end. So who wins?

Nobody.

 

[OreoRosies86]

Oh I'm sorry Jenn, I missed the above. Are you accusing me of going off site to bully you? Because that is extremely untrue and how nasty rumors get going, but since you feel so bullied am I supposed to sit here and take it? I don't think so. You target me, I respond. I will always defend myself even if no one else does. I can handle myself, and always have.

If you honestly believe I have some sort of circle off PS devoted to bullying you, I suggest you enlist Ella to conduct a thorough investigation of the matter.

 

[kenny]

If someone yanks on a dog's tail over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, I don't consider the dog a bully for biting.

If you feel a poster repeatedly 'yanks your tail' why have you not put that person on ignore?
That's what the function is for.

I use it ... instead of the alternative (bullying and piling on) which you and others are apparently defending.
Report policy-violating posts or put poster on ignore.
Don't stoop to their level and engage in a pissing contest.

The ignore function keeps my tail out of reach.

 

[AGBF]

If someone yanks on a dog's tail over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, I don't consider the dog a bully for biting.

Perhaps, but the dog still gets put down in the end. So who wins?

Nobody.

No dogs are going to be put down here. That is one thing I promise. No matter what happens to people, no dogs will die.

 

[OreoRosies86]

 

[sonnyjane]

If someone yanks on a dog's tail over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, I don't consider the dog a bully for biting.

If you feel a poster repeatedly 'yanks your tail' why have you not put that person on ignore?
That's what the function is for.

I use it ... instead of the alternative (bullying and piling on) which you and others are apparently defending.
Report policy-violating posts or put poster on ignore.
Don't stoop to their level and engage in a pissing contest.

The ignore function keeps my tail out of reach.

I'm just explaining a mentality. I've blocked the people that upset me the most, but when others quote them, I still see the exchanges. And Kenny, while I agree with you about many things, I strongly disagree with your claim that you don't participate in piling on. I won't dig through thousands of posts, but you've had your fair share of participation in those types of threads.