Bridesmaid bailed w/less than 2 months left, and possibly down a groomsman!

[Harleigh]

This is a long vent, so please beware and if you read through it all, bear with me...

Well, the title says it all...one of my bridesmaids has bailed on me with less than 2 months to go until the wedding. I know you have heard it all before, and I''m sure you''re all tired of hearing the same sob story again, but I honestly am dumbfounded and needed to vent, and here seemed the best place to do it.

I have been having trouble getting ahold of my friend in the past few months, and though there has been nothing amiss with our friendship (she lives in Missouri now while I still live in California), I have noticed a significant attitude about the wedding being in Maui rather than here at home, as she said it would be more convienent for them to visit for the reception and visit other old friends while here and I said whichever was fine, but to just let me know one way or another.

She hemmed and hawed and didn''t even commit to being in the wedding until January (I''ve been engaged since last July & asked her to stand up for me in officially in August after feeling forced to ask her right after I got engaged since she couldn''t believe I hadn''t yet!

) and then was irritated again about the stress dealing with the airline closures. During our conversation after the airlines closed and her concern over the costs, I again reminded her that if the trip to Maui would be stretching their budget too far, to please let me know as I completely understand and don''t want to put anyone out by asking anyone to join us there. She assured me this wouldn''t be a problem.

She went on and on about wanting to go, and I assured her I would be fine either way, but if there''s even a "slight" possibility that they might not make it, to please let me know now so I can at least be aware of what I *might* be dealing wtih. She did none of that and so we sent off the check to each of our attendants for $400 to help defray the increase in ticket fares. She happily accepted it and said not a word about not coming.

Also, I sent her 2 bridesmaid dresses to choose from in January and she just finally sent back the one she did not want just 2 weeks ago! She kept the one I anticipated her wearing in Maui and not a word of possiby not coming was said. Tonight I finally got ahold of her by phone and while I noticed she was kind of beating around the bush, I made general conversation in hopes that she would say something about the wedding, but no. So, I directly asked her whether or not she was going to be coming...she broke down and kept saying that she wanted to, but she just can''t. She blubbered on and on and on, and even had the nerve to be mad at me for not being more upset! (I was upset but saved that for AFTER I got off the phone with her!)

She then said I sounded annoyed, and I said that I was not mad at her for not being able to make it, but that yes, I was annoyed that she didn''t even find it necessary to at least give us a heads up. I totally get that with all the changes this trip is just not doable for them, then I said I hoped she had gotten good vacation insurance so that she could get her money for the hotel back, and she then let it slip that she''d applied for a refund over 2 weeks ago, but that she had done it wrong, so she had to re-apply.

That ticked me off even more, because by saying that she let me know that she has known for AT LEAST 2 weeks she wasn''t going to make it, and she didn''t have the decency to let me know. I said I was disappointed that in all our years of friendship, and with all the outs I offered up so that no one felt obligated to go to Maui, she didn''t trust in our friendship enough to discuss even the possibility with me.

I just don''t think our friendship is ever going to be the same again, unfortunately.

Well, that was today...yesterday we went to lunch with Rusty''s parents, and they mentioned that his brother (one of our groomsmen) is FINALLY looking for a new job with benefits and may not be able to make it for the wedding if he gets a new job. Rusty was like, oh, that''s fine. WHAT??? No, it is NOT okay already! He''s part of this freakin'' family and it''s high time he acted like it!

I feel like my wedding that I was just starting to feel like was finally starting to come together is falling apart at the seams, and it really sucks. Thanks for letting me vent...I just needed to get all that off of my chest.

 

[oobiecoo]

So sorry this is happening to you! I had a flakey bridesmaid as well and we were concerned that one groosmen would end up not coming also but he did.

Things will all work out and your wedding will be beautiful... with or without your friend and brother-in-law.

 

[FrekeChild]

That makes me really sad Harleigh. I''m sorry.

I hope she sends you a check back for the $400 gift you guys sent her.

 

[miraclesrule]

Jeez Harleigh, that is awful. Really awful. You have every right to be annoyed and hurt. Lack of timely communication is one of my biggest pet peeves and this is exactly why.

It''s not right. You deserve better. You deserve more consideration, honesty, and support from your friends. I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. But please, please know....this too shall pass.

Your wedding day is going to be beautiful and when all is said and done...if it ends up just being your and your future DH, that is all that is truly going to matter. I know that doesn''t immediately heal the wound to your heart right now, but all your can do it let time take care of the pain.

You are going to be married and focus on that!!

Flaky friends suck.

 

[diamondfan]

Harleigh, that stinks. Just cause it happens a lot in life does not make it easier.

She was cowardly. She should have never accepted, since it is likely that though she wanted it to work, in her heart she maybe knew it would not. Also, what about the 400.00 you sent her? Maybe a minor issue, but hey, that was for travel costs and she is not traveling. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Wedding planning really can be the pits to me.

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 5/28/2008 12:58:34 AM
Author: oobiecoo
So sorry this is happening to you! I had a flakey bridesmaid as well and we were concerned that one groosmen would end up not coming also but he did.

Things will all work out and your wedding will be beautiful... with or without your friend and brother-in-law.

Thanks, oobie...I just don''t understand some people, and you''re right, it wil work out with or without them. Thanks so much for your kind thoughts.

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 5/28/2008 1:00:00 AM
Author: FrekeChild

That makes me really sad Harleigh. I'm sorry.

I hope she sends you a check back for the $400 gift you guys sent her.

Hi Freke...thanks, hun. I am really sad about it, too.

I just sent her an email asking her to return the check and the second bridesmaid dress...we'll see if it comes through or not.

ETA: I have a sty that appeared in my eye this afternon and I apparently can't get my names right...sorry Freke!

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 5/28/2008 1:09:26 AM
Author: miraclesrule
Jeez Harleigh, that is awful. Really awful. You have every right to be annoyed and hurt. Lack of timely communication is one of my biggest pet peeves and this is exactly why.

It''s not right. You deserve better. You deserve more consideration, honesty, and support from your friends. I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. But please, please know....this too shall pass.

Your wedding day is going to be beautiful and when all is said and done...if it ends up just being your and your future DH, that is all that is truly going to matter. I know that doesn''t immediately heal the wound to your heart right now, but all your can do it let time take care of the pain.

You are going to be married and focus on that!!

Flaky friends suck.

Thank you miracle...I agree, I cannot abide people who just don''t have common courtesy. I didn''t even go into her complaints about being asked if she would like to help with the shower, but needless to say, she won''t be participating in any of those plans, either. She didn''t even bother to respond to any of my MOH''s emails...argh!

I appreciate your words of wisdom...I tried to convince my FI that we should just run away together, but he didn''t want anything to do with that...can''t say I didn''t try!

I am saddened by all of this, but it again reminds me that I really can only rely on myself and not worry about everyone else''s happines.

Thanks again, and you''re right...flaky friends suck!

 

[FrekeChild]

It''s ok. I''m sorry you have a sty. That sucks too!

Today is a crappy day. "Tomorrow is another day."

 

[Octavia]

Harleigh, I''m so sorry you''re having more wedding issues. After all the stress you''ve been through, this is the last thing you need. Your bridesmaid absolutely should have told you sooner...I''m sure she feels bad about not being able to make it, but that''s no excuse for stringing you along. And it''s sad that your groomsman isn''t behaving like true family, either. Ultimately, though, it will be best for you to focus on your true friends and family, who will be there with you when you tie the knot...it''s really sad that these people won''t be there, but please try not to let it get you too down. You''re going to be marrying a wonderful man and starting the rest of your lives together...please don''t lose sight of that (not that you are, but it''s easy enough to do). And all of us here are rooting for you and wishing you the very best!

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 5/28/2008 1:15:04 AM
Author: diamondfan
Harleigh, that stinks. Just cause it happens a lot in life does not make it easier.

She was cowardly. She should have never accepted, since it is likely that though she wanted it to work, in her heart she maybe knew it would not. Also, what about the 400.00 you sent her? Maybe a minor issue, but hey, that was for travel costs and she is not traveling. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Wedding planning really can be the pits to me.

Hi diamondfan...thanks!

I agree with you wholeheartedly...it goes all the way back to July when my doubts started, but she kept assuring me they were excited to be joining us. I just wish she''d been a bit more upstanding about it.

I sent her an email this evening letting her know Rusty and I would appreciate the check being refunded and the dress returned. Time will tell if she''ll follow through with any of it.

Thanks for your kind thoughts!

 

[swingirl]

That's unfortunate. Sometimes people act weird when their friends are getting married. I think they don't know how to be a friend. Who knows what spooked her, maybe the increase in airfares or jealously. But don't let it bother you. It's a lot to expect people to spend $2000 to participate in someone else's wedding, time off work, cost, using up vacation time, etc. Maybe she just changed her mind.

Your wedding will be lovely with or without a few extra people.

 

[Deelight]

Harleigh sorry this is happening to you. What she did was rude and awful and you have every right to be pissed at her. Hopefully she will be decent enough to send back the money and the dress

.

No matter what I am sure you and future hubby will have a fantastic time at your wedding and it will be fantastic how can it not be you both will be in maui

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Oh Harleigh!

This is horrible. I am constantly baffled at all of the people making this difficult for you and your FI. Everyone is supposed to be supportive and happy for you, but to me it just seems like people keep being selfish. I know it''s expensive for them, but you even tried to help with that! Ridiculous. You know, when it comes down to it all you need for a wedding is you, FI, a witness (could be random person if need be), and the person officiating. Just keep that image in your head of you and your FI and crashing waves. Your wedding will be beautiful. You''re going to Maui!

Forget these immature, selfish, rude people. Maybe I''m being harsh, but I think not. This is not what real friends do! What is up with people these days? Friendship used to mean so much more it seems.

Anyway, we''re here for you as you know. ((Hugs)) Put a warm wash cloth over that part of your eye if you haven''t already, it helps it pop sometimes. I, for one (but I am sure I am not the only one), am very excited about your wedding and seeing photos from it afterwards. This is countdown time, celebrate, and don''t let anyone''s selfishness stick to you.

 

[Courtneylub]

I have very little patience for flakey people. I can live with it, but what I can''t live with is when people avoid or put off telling someone their change of plans because they''re scared you''ll be upset with them. I think that is the most childish thing on earth.

Sorry this is happening, Harleigh. All I can say is, at least you won''t have to deal with her on your wedding day. Your true and more mature friends will be in the wedding and everything else doesn''t matter.

 

[blissfulbride]

Right now it might to hard to believe, but I''ve learned during my whole planning process. That I really dont need anyone. My day will be a dream come true, and you have to know that too. You want people who love you, and would never let you down or miss you beautiful day be there. I''m so sick of people at this point. I''m going through some drama too with a girlfriend. I''m debating on having come out in my wedding just because she is selfish and irresponsible. All I need is to have her show up late to my ceremony. So to avoid that im even thinking of not having her in it, because ill want to kick my own butt later on. Sorry im writing about my problems, but its just to show you that you arent alone.

So just take this as a sign that she just wasn''t meant to be there. Everything in life happens for a reason. You don''t need a flakly bridesmaid that doesn''t even respect you enough to call you, and let you know that she won''t be coming out in your wedding. Look at it this way. one less gift and one less plate

 

[iwannaprettyone]

I am sorry you are disapointed Harleigh

...look on the bright side, one less gift to buy! lol

 

[blissfulbride]

great minds think alike. lol

 

[Courtneylub]

Date: 5/28/2008 9:12:59 AM
Author: blissfulbride
Right now it might to hard to believe, but I''ve learned during my whole planning process. That I really dont need anyone. My day will be a dream come true, and you have to know that too. You want people who love you, and would never let you down or miss you beautiful day be there. I''m so sick of people at this point. I''m going through some drama too with a girlfriend. I''m debating on having come out in my wedding just because she is selfish and irresponsible. All I need is to have her show up late to my ceremony. So to avoid that im even thinking of not having her in it, because ill want to kick my own butt later on. Sorry im writing about my problems, but its just to show you that you arent alone.

So just take this as a sign that she just wasn''t meant to be there. Everything in life happens for a reason. You don''t need a flakly bridesmaid that doesn''t even respect you enough to call you, and let you know that she won''t be coming out in your wedding. Look at it this way. one less gift and one less plate

Took the words right out of my mouth. I was thinking the exact same thing, but you said it much better than I did! It''s too early!

 

[Haven]

Oh Harleigh I''m so sorry this happened. I think everyone''s right that this will pass and you''ll feel better about it over time, but I understand that right now the sting is fresh and it hurts.

I really hope this doesn''t ruin your friendship, if you''d like to remain friends with her. I know these things can get so sticky, and it''s unfortunate that people don''t always own up to their obligations like adults. I think one of my bridesmaids might end up bailing and we have a little over a month left--hey, maybe we can stand in for each other''s missing bridesmaids, what do ya say? I''ve never been to Maui!

 

[bee*]

sorry to hear that Harleigh!! I hope that she does the decent thing and return the cheque and the dress.

 

[neatfreak]

Oh Harleigh, I am so sorry to hear that. You know I was in almost the exact same boat with my MOH last year for my wedding...it's never a fun thing. It's hard to put into perspective now, but would you really want someone that flakey standing up for you in your wedding? I realized ultimately that it was better to know what someone's true colors are than to not know, but it doesn't make it any easier at the time.

I really really suggest that you send her a voicemail or email that essentially cuts off contact until after the wedding, that way you won't be waiting around/stresed for a response from her and then you can decide after the wedding if you want to try to resurrect the friendship or not.

Something like "I'm sorry that things have unfolded this way and that you feel that you can't attend the wedding. We'll catch up after when things are less stressful". This conveys that you don't want to deal with her beforehand and doesn't apologize for anything, which is important because you DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

With my MOH, I ultimately decided I didn't need a friend like that, so I haven't contacted her. I think it's better that way because like you, I don't think our friendship would ever be stable again after she bailed on me a few weeks before my wedding.

Big hugs to you honey!

 

[doodle]

awww, that friggin'' sucks! i''m so sorry! i''m mad for you, too!

weddings are expensive, and i understand someone not being able to afford the expense, but her having enough respect for you and y''all''s friendship to tell you she can''t afford to go is free, so a lack of funds is no excuse for her behavior. maybe i''m a bit too uh...feisty...yeah, feisty''s a nice way to put it...but i''d get back the dress and the $400 if i had to break into her house and ROB her for it!!!! i wouldn''t allow her to get a cash bonus for being a bad friend! ultimately, a wedding is a time for joy and celebration with the people you love and who love you. relish the fact that someone that selfish won''t be sitting at your wedding begrudging your choices on your day. won''t it be nice to look around and know that everyone there loved you and your FI enough to be there? that''ll be a truly meaningful moment for the both of you!

 

[Harleigh]

Thank you, everyone, for your reassuring thoughts. I am at work on my recess right now, so don''t have time to respond individually, but thanks for the chuckles...you ladies made me feel better today.

And, as for the gifts, well, unfortunately, I have all of hers in hand already, and several of the items are personally monogrammed, so I will just send them to her as her birthday gift in August and let her know what they were from, I guess. I even had to go back and order another set of some stuff because I honestly didn''t think she was going to make it, then insisted she was going to, so I''m out that money already.

Also, we''ve already paid $150 for an extra bouquet for her and for hers and her hubby''s dinner at the wedding. I emailed all of my vendors last night to see if I could have those things removed from our contract, but I haven''t heard back yet, so I may just be out the money. Maybe they can make me a centerpiece of some sort out of her bouquet fund, if not?

I will get back to you all later...I''ll have a little time between my inservice this afternoon and my second pre-marital counseling appt. w/Rusty at 6 this evening.

Thanks again for all of your support...I really appreciate it!

Much love and appreciation to you all!

 

[v!v!]

hey harleigh. i just wanted to say that i''m so sorry you''re having to go through this! this is definitely one stress that you didn''t need right before the wedding. i hope today is better than yesterday and that your sty clears up soon!

 

[Independent Gal]

Aw, honey, that sucks. I''m particularly put out that your FBIL is considering not going. I mean, he''s his BROTHER! How does he not go to his wedding?!

My advice? Once things settle down, have a heart to heart with your friend so that you can get it all out. It''s WAY her bad, but you don''t want it to ruin your friendship forever right? So talk it out when the time comes (I mean, when you''re comfy doing so).

 

[Harriet]

I''m sorry, Harleigh.

 

[IWantAMilkshake]

I''m really very sorry for you. One of my BMs fell off the face of the earth after buying her dress in January -- I literally have not heard a word from her -- so I wholeheartedly sympathize. It''s not about losing a bridesmaid, it''s about the sadness of having to reasess a close relationship, IMO.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Oh honey, you definitely didn''t deserve or need this. I''ll keep my fingers crossed that you can get your money back from your vendors and from her. Just keep remembering what a gorgeous, happy bride you are going to be and how wonderful it will be finally be married to Rusty!

 

[tberube]

I swear...everyone must go through this - it's like there's one point in every planning that everyone seems to flake off and things all go awry at once. Happened to me when my photographer got pregnant, decided pregnancy was a condition with which picture taking is forbidden, and didn't tell me until it was almost too late to get someone else. Heh...and the next day my guitarist tried to bail on me for another wedding the same day - because they'd pay him more money. Yeesh...I'll tell ya. To this day I'm still upset with the photographer friend and I don't 100% trust the guitarist that he'll even show.

So what I'm trying to say is that I can sympathize. I would be fuming if my BM did all of that to me...and it makes me kinda glad I am not having any. What I'd like to know is if she gave you back the $400 check you sent her to curb the cost of the flight she's now not taking? Ugh. Seriously...it's like people lose their brains once their committed to be part of a wedding.

Sometimes I wonder where the term "bridezilla" even came from...it's not like most brides have a choice, when you have to chase after your guests, vendors and attendants just to get them to do what they've promised.

Sorry....I digress.

Everything will work out fine. If one maid and one groomsman can't make it, and that's all you have to deal with on your wedding day, then you're a lucky chick. It'll all work out fine.