Wedding Brides, what do you expect of your MOH?

[Shoopy]

I am my best friend’s MOH. I have basically become a wedding planner without the cool clipboard and the Bluetooth headset

I get emails every day: where can I get my engagement photo blown up? How can we do this for less than it costs on here? Does this proposal make sense? What do you mean I shouldn’t do the $1500 firework show? Where do you think I can have my reception? Where should the ceremony be? Can I wear heels on the beach? Should I have a DJ or live band? Can I have a 5 course dinner, 5 hour open bar, live band, reception for 60 people under $5,000? What do you mean I can’t do that for $5,000? Should I get him this wedding band or that wedding band?

I draw the line at picking out honeymoon lingerie for her

 

[blondie23]

Let's just say the only thing I expected from any of my BM (including my MOH) was to show up on my wedding day wearing the dress...

I am a firm believer in the saying, "No one cares as much about your wedding as you do" so why would I ever ask my BM to do things that should be my responsibility? I know they all love me, are happy for me, and would help if I needed it, but that's not their job nor do they really care that much. Just my $.02.

 

[Deelight]

Not a bride yet but since my MOH will either be my sis or my niece or both all I would ask of them would be to come with me when I try dresses on which I am sure they would want to do anyway. Oh yeah and be there on the day in the dress and all that jazz .

I could be wrong but to me your MOH duties seem a little extreme.

 

[Blair138]

Wow-FieryRed-that''s a lot!! where is her FI!?!?! Shouldn''t he care about that stuff instead of you?

My MOH is my younger sister, I expect from her:

an honest dress opinion-she gets to pick them out
to get everyone''s butt in gear on the wedding day
A kick-butt bachelorette party
Whatever other advice she can give, but she is younger and not married-so I''m not bugging her with the details, I have a FI and a mom for that...

 

[Shoopy]

LOL...it really is too much.

Funny thing is there were no dress sessions with her. She already picked it out so I thought, man this is going to be a breeze. I spoke too soon.

Her fiance was already married once and had a big wedding. He told her that if she wants a wedding, she''ll have to do everything herself

 

[Blair138]

Good luck! I hope she doesn''t require you to get botox!

 

[Gypsy]

I used to say "Just show up wearing dress and be happy for me."

And I meant it. Less than two months out though I've revised this a bit.

1. Please let me vent to you. You don't have to do anything about it, just listen and make soothing noises. I will come up with solutions myself, but need a safe place to just kvetch.


2. Thanks for picking your your dress so quickly. Since you decided that you prefer me to pay for your hair and makeup instead of your dress, please order it on time... or figure out a suitable alternative if that doesn't happen (she's my only attendant wearing a black cocktail length gown). She finally decided to pay to have it rushed to her since she didn't order it when I 'hinted' she should.

3. Show up, be happy for me.

4. Help me stay sane, do not add to my stress, please. (Doing a great job of this except for the dress issue).

5. Help with me the table numbers (she has photoshop, I don't).

6. Send out e-vites to bachelorette party I get to plan (she lives in Mississippi, so I'm planning the 'party').


If I were YOU? I would point her to wedding bee, kvetch.com or some other wedding board (not theknot, they turn into bridezillas if they spend too much time there) tell her to start posting, send her some links to some wedding planning sites (project wedding, etc.), buy her a wedding planning book and a couple of bridal magazine and then tell her nicely that you love her and support her, but that this is her wedding and not yours. No one cares about this wedding as much as she does... someone needs to tell her that. If you point her to a good board, they will tell her that for you (we would!).

 

[Shoopy]

Thank you all for the words…and Gypsy thanks for the list of what should be expected. I’m tolerating it right now because I love her…but I’m not liking her too much right now LOL

Side story: I had to do a lot of massaging when she came over to have one of her multiple “bridal sessions” at my house. She starts talking about the colors she decided and she says purple and green. So my FF is sitting on the couch eating popcorn and yells out “oh kind of like the Joker?”

LMAO

I thought she was going to murder him. I think she’s enjoying becoming a mild bridezilla though.

 

[taovandel]

I expect the Maid of Honor to show up at the wedding, dressed and ready to have a good time.

I want her to alleviate my nerves prior to the ceremony.

I want her to give honest advice when asked.

I want her help when picking out my wedding dress.

 

[Sabine]

I don''t know, my MOH and I talk every day, usually about anything and EVERYTHING, so when each of us were planning our weddings, we definitely discussed almost every little detail with each other. She probably doesn''t need actually answers, but is using you as a sounding board for all her ideas. But if that''s not what you want, you should probably let her know before you start getting annoyed with her, because that is probably not her intention at all.

 

[galeteia]

I''m the MOH here, but here''s what I am expected to do.

I''ll be 1000+ miles away until the day before the wedding, so my responsibilities will be as follows:

1. Have my dress taken care of.

2. Insulate her from the insanity of her dysfunctional, sabotaging, drama-addicted Italian family.

3. Ibid, ad infinitum.

4. Abuse my position as ''outsider'' and therefore immune from internal-family shenanigans and manipulation, and bring to bear every scrap of the stealthy, excessively polite, below-belt guerrilla warfare my family prefers to describe as ''wit'', thus enacting years of comeuppance my friend has longed but not dared to do.

I think my friend picked me as her MOH because she could justify choosing me over her horrible SIL, and because the thought of me delicately reducing her meddlesome, abusive family into social sashimi is one of the few things that keeps her sane. I believe they''re included in her daydreams of the wedding day.

Then I''ll leave the next day, leaving her family to complain loudly about the ''outsider'' and her chortling over being blissfully unaware of all the malarky that went on until the wedding was over.

 

[Gypsy]

fiery, you are welcome. But I should have also said that if my MOH were local, I would have appreciated (but certainly not demanded or expected) a bit more. Things like... coming to my dress fitting to figure out how the bustle works, stuff like that. I would have enjoyed a shower , and frankly am not that thrilled planning my own bachelorette party. But those are things that I am willing to just forget about as they aren't practical.

I also should say that I am a planner by nature. I like researching and planning. So it comes naturally to me. I am a control freak... and while I love the input I get from this board (and PS in general) and from my groom, I do not seek out people's opinions IRL outside my groom, I normally (wedding band and engagement ring design issues aside-- oh and the dress... let's not go there) because I know what I want when I see it. Some people aren't like that. Doesn't sound like your bride is.

But there is a solution if you aren't like that... its called a wedding planner. Seriously.

I also did not want to burden my friends or my family OR my MOH with any organizational or 'circus master' roles on the wedding day so I hired a day of coordinator. I want everyone, including my MOH, to enjoy themselves so I hired someone to deal with the vendors, things that go wrong, etc. I don't want to be bothered, and I don't want them to be bothered.

Oh I do expect my MOH to help me with my dress during the wedding when I need to attend to my ahem, personal needs. Ya know, holding my train over the stall wall and all that. She keeps threatening to bring a camera.

ROFLMAO @ the joker comment from your FI, btw.

 

[julesbeth]

My MOH is my best friend E V E R (I really should just call her my sister now) and she lives in Oregon, i''m in Illinois. Really, I just expect her to read my email rants and tell me everything is going to be lovely.

She can''t afford to make it back for the showers, and we are doing the bachelorette party a week before the wedding so she can just stay in Illinois and help me with whatever I need during that week. Honestly - I just want her amazing presence near me on my special day.

 

[julesbeth]

Also Fiery! You are like the SWEETEST thing ever! That is just so sweet of you to be helping out/pratically planning her wedding for her

 

[violet02]

I am totally relying on my bridesmaids to help advise me on most things non-logistcal (should i hire a band etc, all that was done by myself and my planner). My MOH is a guy so he threw the engagement party (my parents live across the country) and he''s contributing financially to the wedding shower.

My ''un-offical'' maid of honor aka b-maid #1 is helping me with the following:

1. Programs, Menus, Petal toss cones, Favor making (she''s amazing here, she''s a designer and did all her own as well, I love the stuff we''re making)
2. Calligraphied all my invitation addresses (her offer/choice!)
3. Answering all my wedding question emails that my planner isn''t answering (she''s been married twice) - note: i wouldn''t ask her logisitcs questions my planner is there for that. Instead I ask her stuff like what do you think of this music? Do you think people will like X?
4. She''s making all of my shower invites (her choice again)


Both bridesmaids (I have one MOH and 2 bmaids) are:

1. Helping me with dress fitting
2. Helped me pick out dress, veil and jewlery
3. Planning my shower and bachelorette party
4. Helped pick out bmaid dresses shoes and jewelry (left a lot up to their choices)
5. Both answering my emails (lots of them - as sabine said, they''re a sounding board)
6. All the usual day of wedding stuff
7. Help me emboss programs.
8. Help me polish silver! Fun fun... the MOH is going to be forced to do this though, he knows he needs to pitch in more.

It''s a tough situation since my MOH is a guy so I''m really relying on the rest of the girls. I also don''t have my mom anymore and a step-mom across the country so I need a ladies touch where I can get it!

I definitely wouldn''t want to have to figurre out all the crazy stuff she''s asking you too fiery. Gypsy''s advice (of course!) is very good in terms of where to turn to for info. She has no wedding planner huh? If I didn''t have one I think I''d piss off the people around me because i do have all those crazy questions but the planner is the buffer!

 

[princesss]

I described this situation to my BF (who is crashing at my place and has been subjected to many many wedding shows) and his response was, "Oh, like that bride on Bridezilla who made her best friend do everything?"

I have no experience in this, so my advice is probably worth very little, but I think it''s time to maybe establish a boundary or two. Maybe just try to talk to her and say, "Hey, I need a mini vacation from this." Friends usually understand that, right?

BTW, your FF''s comment about the Joker had my BF and I cracking up. That was awesome.

 

[Haven]

I expected my MOH to show up and hold my hand when I got nervous right before the wedding.
She far exceeded my expectations, but I certainly would not have burdened her with all of those details, that is outrageous. I''m sorry. I''ve stood up for some demanding friends and I know how hard it is to walk the line between being a supportive friend and telling the bridezilla where she can put her pretty little pink planner.

 

[purrfectpear]

I think she''s just a little insecure and since you''re here best, best friend she''s relying on you more than normal. She trusts your opinion. It sounds like she''s thinking of you almost like a sister, so while it''s a PITA, it''s also a big compliment you know?

 

[icekid]

Ah... My MOH was my baby sister, and her biggest responsibility was holding onto my hubby''s ring before the ceremony. That and going to the cake tasting.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I would expect my maid of honor to give me opinions on dresses, plan my bachelorette party, and coordinate the bridesmaids to make sure that at least one shower was thrown. I would expect her to make an effort to attend as many showers as possible (if there''s more than one) but would understand if she could not attend all of them. I would not expect her to bring gifts to those showers though, just to make that clear. I would also expect my MOH to help me address envelopes or put together invitations if I gave her enough notice and worked around her schedule. That''s assuming she lives in the same city. If she didn''t, then I would not think of having her help with that. I would be gracious in asking, write thank you cards and let her know how much I appreciate her for each separate thing she does (not just one thank you at the RD). I would expect her to be my right hand woman the day of the wedding -for nerves, giggling, hold my bouquet, whatever. In general, I would hope that a MOH would take away stress from the wedding, not add to it, and ask if there is anything she can do to help me.

However, I would not expect a MOH to become my free wedding planner!!!

I was under the impression that the whole point of having attendants was to honor the people who have helped you through the engagement, not just to have some pretty maids standing beside you for photo opportunities. I listed things that I have done as bridesmaids/MOH in my friends'' weddings. I don''t expect them to treat me any differently than I did for them. I would not pick a MOH who was not capable of doing the things listed above, no matter how much I loved her.

 

[Independent Gal]

Wow. Your friend is expecting a little much, IMHO. I expected my two MOH's to show up on the day to eat veggie burgers with me, hang out, chill me out, have a good time, and stand beside me as I got married. They planned a little get together as a bachelorette party, but even that I considered beyond the call of duty!

If we'd been in the same city, I would have loved to have them come dress shopping with me. But it was no big deal.

 

[zoebartlett]

Maybe your best friend doesn''t realize how much she''s leaning on you for advice. What she might consider "just a quick question" can add up over time, but she might not see it this way. Just a thought. Maybe you could point her in the direction of the Knot or PS (if she doesn''t know you post here too) to help her with her questions. Is there a family member or another member of her bridal party who could help her with the planning so it''s not all on your shoulders?


We only had my sister and my husband''s friend in our bridal party. The best man showed up in a tux, and he gave a heartfelt toast, but that''s it. Nothing else was expected of him. My sister, my mom, and my mom''s friend gave me one shower, and my sister was in charge of sending out the invitations. I think she also e-mailed my friends and asked them to meet up with us after our RD, in lieu of a more traditional bachelor/bachlorette party the night before our wedding. I didn''t expect that but she took that upon herself. The dress she wore and the toast she gave were wonderful. We didn''t expect certain things -- we wanted them to enjoy the day too and celebrate with us, but in no way did we have a list of expectations that they had to live up to.

 

[bee*]

I want my MOH (who is my sister) to come pick a dress with me, help me pick her dress and other than that, just turn up and smile in the photos. I love planning and will do the rest of it myself.

 

[Octavia]

I expect my MOH to show up on the wedding day, to lace me into my dress, and to bustle it after the ceremony (was a bridesmaid a couple weeks ago and the MOH was nowhere to be found when the bride wanted her dress bustled, so it was an AWFULLY good thing I''d tagged along to the bridal shop and learned how to do it, too!). I expect her to be happy for FH and me. Beyond that, she can do as much or as little as she wants. Since I''m not that keen on the idea of a shower or bachelorette party, I''m kind of hoping she doesn''t do too much.