Breaking plans... need advice please

[meresal]

I wouldn't normally come to here for advice like this, but the situation involves most of the people I normally turn to... and I can't get ahold of my mom

We made plans to drive about 4 hours away to meet with friends for NYE celebration at my best friend's Lake House. We have been discussing it since the end of October, and finalized that DH and I would come over about a month ago. It was never a question that we would come, she just had to get the ok from her parents, that they weren't using it.

I just found out yesterday that eventhough NYE and NYDay fall on the beginning of a weekend, everyone that is going, including my best friend who owns the house, is planning on leaving Friday when they wake up. All of my friends only live about 45 minutes from the lake house.

This means that DH and I would be leaving around noon on NYE, arriving at apprx 4 or 5pm, and then turning around and leaving on New Years Day at apprx noon, only to arrive back home just about 4 or 5pm. Totaling 8 hours of driving, to only see my friends for one night.

What would you do? Would you still go? I have a feeling that I just assumed that everyone would stay for the day to watch football and hang out... and when I said "We'll be there for the weekend", I'm guessing my best friend just assumed that we would head to my parents house, which is in the same city they all currently live in, only about 45 minutes away. However, my parents will be out of town until that Sunday.

FYI, DH is none too pleased about the current situation, but has agreed that he will still drive us if I decide that we should still go. I told him that he didn't have to go, because this also means that he will miss most of the football games that are on, but he doesn't want me on the road by myself.

Any words of wisdom? I never back out of plans, and if I decide to, this will more than likely haunt me until next year... but I just feel like the trip is a waste of money and time.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Pull the pregnancy card and don''t go. Stay home and snuggle with the hubs.

 

[CNOS128]

Or, can you still stop by your parents'' house to watch football and maybe stay the night, even though they won''t be there?

But I agree with HH, I would stay home.

 

[Prana]

I would just be honest and tell them that you misunderstood that it wasn''t the whole weekend, and that you really can''t justify driving that far (both ways), for only a few hours, in reality. I''m sure they will understand. You can throw a few pregnancy inconveniences in there too.....

 

[Clairitek]

I have friends who drove about 7-8 hours in traffic both ways to come to my housewarming party. Normally it would have been a 5 hour drive and even then I thought that they were going way above and beyond the call of duty as a friend to come down and visit me. I was touched that they made the trip but I felt horrible that they were spending so much time on the road for so little time with us. I would have TOTALLY understood if they had called me and said they couldn''t make it due to time constraints.

What I''m trying to say is that I think your friends will understand if you are honest and just say that its a lot of driving for very little time with them and explain how your parents are out of town so you wouldn''t have any choice but to just head home in the morning.

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 12/28/2009 11:39:53 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Pull the pregnancy card and don''t go. Stay home and snuggle with the hubs.

Exactly..pregnancy comes in real handy during moments like this.

 

[tyty333]

Personally I wouldnt go. Just too much work for such a short amount of time to enjoy others company.

DH is a doll to give up his football for you. I would plan something fun at home or in town to do.

Whichever you choose, enjoy yourself!

 

[meresal]

HH- Thanks, but I'm trying not to pull it out too early

lol.

BigT- Going to my parents would be an option, except that I think DH would rather just get in the car and drive back home. My parents house is another 45 minutes NE from the Lake House, so I think that we would be adding time to our trip home if we went that route. I will mention it to DH though. Thanks for the input!

ETA:
Thank you everyone else. I guess the answer is obvious, I just hate pulling out so late... eventhough there is no financial agreement that we have to pay or anything of the sort. I really want to see them, since I haven't since late October, but this just seems a bit excessive.

 

[neatfreak]

I think it''s best to be honest. Just say something like:

I really miss you guys and want to see you but I misunderstood and thought everyone was staying the whole weekend. It''s a lot of driving for us for just a few hours and I just don''t think we can do it this time around. I''m so sorry-I am really bummed I am going to miss out!

If they are real friends they will totally understand.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/28/2009 12:07:19 PM
Author: neatfreak
I think it's best to be honest. Just say something like:

I really miss you guys and want to see you but I misunderstood and thought everyone was staying the whole weekend. It's a lot of driving for us for just a few hours and I just don't think we can do it this time around. I'm so sorry-I am really bummed I am going to miss out!

If they are real friends they will totally understand.

Thank you.

If we back out, I will most definitely be honest. It's not even like we have another option if we stay home... there are no other plans here, lol. I guess I'm just trying to decide/convince myself that backing out is ok at this point.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Hey, Mer, if you really don''t want to go I think that being honest is perfectly understandable. I don''t think anybody would fault you for not wanting to spend 8 hours in the car for a night.

If it were me, however, I''d go. But that''s because I don''t think 4 hours each way is excessive, especially if it''s to see friends I haven''t seen in a long time. That''s just me, though--heck, I''ve often driven 4 hours to get breakfast. If you really feel it''s too much and you wouldn''t enjoy it, then bow out, but if 4 hours each way doesn''t seem so bad and you really want to see your friends, then consider it a fun little trip with the hubby.

 

[tlh]

Date: 12/28/2009 11:39:53 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Pull the pregnancy card and don''t go. Stay home and snuggle with the hubs.

DITTO!

It is always great to see the friends, but driving 8 hours to stay sober at a drinking party.. just doesn''t sound any fun to me.

I don''t think anyone''s feelings would be hurt... just say you have terrible morning sickness that lasts all day, and you don''t do well in a car.. or something like that. Would be an easy way to get out of it, and not hurt anyone''s feelings... because I personally wouldn''t want to drive 8 hours for an overnight either... and if I found out everyone was leaving the next morning, I''d call to cancel and make my own plans.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/28/2009 12:28:59 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Hey, Mer, if you really don''t want to go I think that being honest is perfectly understandable. I don''t think anybody would fault you for not wanting to spend 8 hours in the car for a night.

If it were me, however, I''d go. But that''s because I don''t think 4 hours each way is excessive, especially if it''s to see friends I haven''t seen in a long time. That''s just me, though--heck, I''ve often driven 4 hours to get breakfast. If you really feel it''s too much and you wouldn''t enjoy it, then bow out, but if 4 hours each way doesn''t seem so bad and you really want to see your friends, then consider it a fun little trip with the hubby.

NEL, this is my delimma. Though I wouldn''t mind the 4 hour drive... I know that it is not high on DH''s list. I asked him if he wanted me to drive, but I know that he just isn''t looking forward to spending 8 hours in a car, when he only gets a few days off of work to relax, which I can totally understand.

The minute I realized what was happening I sat him down on the couch, and told him he didn''t have to go if he didn''t want to. I''m glad he isn''t mad, but I still feel horrible putting him out like this.

 

[katamari]

I would recommend going, even though the drive is intense. As someone who has moved further and further away from good friends as life progresses and has seen friends scatter across the globe, it only becomes easier for making excuses for not seeing them once you start. If these are people you see yourself outgrowing, that is one thing. But, if you want to keep them around for as long as possible, what is a few hours drive to do it? Plus, with Baby B on the way, the day trips are probably only going to get harder. Hate to throw up another dissenting opinion once it seems like you are leaning one way, but that is what I think.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/28/2009 1:45:30 PM
Author: katamari
I would recommend going, even though the drive is intense. As someone who has moved further and further away from good friends as life progresses and has seen friends scatter across the globe, it only becomes easier for making excuses for not seeing them once you start. If these are people you see yourself outgrowing, that is one thing. But, if you want to keep them around for as long as possible, what is a few hours drive to do it? Plus, with Baby B on the way, the day trips are probably only going to get harder. Hate to throw up another dissenting opinion once it seems like you are leaning one way, but that is what I think.

Thank you Kat.

But if you were 100% sure that these friends wouldn't drive 4 hours each way for a one night thing for you... would you still do it? This is what I keep going back to... "Would I have agreed to this, if I had known from the beginning that it was only one night?"

It was only a few months ago that I drove 5 hours to meet them all for a girls night that was only one night. I arrived at 5 and they all stopped along the way for dinner and some drinks and arrived at a lovely 7 pm, 2 full hours after I did. Their drive was only 2.5 hours.
I understand that I was the one that moved away, but in the 2.5 years I have lived here, they have only visited once. I will also be back home for 4 days in January, and have been "home" at least 10 times in the last year, in which we have met up.

But, I digress... it is not what I would do, I always put out more than my friends... it is that this now involves my husband and I don't want to drag him all over the state for one night with my friends. When he knows good and well, that the favor would not be returned. I can deal with it, that is a personal choice. But once it involves him, I feel like I have to put my personal decisions aside some what.

 

[purrfectpear]

I think you know what you should do, you''re just having problems owning it. Back when it was just Meresal and her buds it was up to you if you felt like being in a car for 8 hours, but now it''s not. Not only would he be driving for 8 hours, he''d lose his game watching, and time to relax away from work. Don''t do it to him. Your friends are people you see when it''s convenient for them, your hubby is forever

Have a romantic NYE and enjoy the fact that it''s the last one without a baby sitter

 

[MichelleCarmen]

If you never break plans, then don''t worry about doing so because this is a rare decision. Don''t let it haunt you.

FWIW, dh and I the same way. We always stick to the plans. This year, we did decide to cancel on something and I thought I''d feel guilty for days, but in reality, it was only for about an hour and then I was so glad for our decision because relaxing at home felt SO MUCH better!

Enjoy your evening!

 

[tlh]

Also, this is your first NYE together as hubs and wife... and as expecting parents... I think that you shouldn''t spend it apart. I also agree w/ PP, kinda nice to know it is your last one to celebrate w/o coming up with a babysitter first.... (so this can be your deciding factor - either way!)

If your hubbie doesn''t want to use up his days off driving.. I wouldn''t make him. Even though he would do it for you. I''d decline the offer - and maybe send out invites for maybe a girls weekend at your new house or a housewarming party! (maybe let this be the test the waters thing, to see if people would come out to see you if the invitation has been extended??)

I am with your husband, you may have moved away, but a couple hours drive versus a couple hours flight away, is a big difference... especially if you are offering someone a free place to stay. Just sucks that you have to carry the burden of maintaining the friendship.

 

[katamari]

Date: 12/28/2009 1:54:58 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/28/2009 1:45:30 PM

Author: katamari

I would recommend going, even though the drive is intense. As someone who has moved further and further away from good friends as life progresses and has seen friends scatter across the globe, it only becomes easier for making excuses for not seeing them once you start. If these are people you see yourself outgrowing, that is one thing. But, if you want to keep them around for as long as possible, what is a few hours drive to do it? Plus, with Baby B on the way, the day trips are probably only going to get harder. Hate to throw up another dissenting opinion once it seems like you are leaning one way, but that is what I think.

Thank you Kat.


But if you were 100% sure that these friends wouldn''t drive 4 hours each way for a one night thing for you... would you still do it? This is what I keep going back to... ''Would I have agreed to this, if I had known from the beginning that it was only one night?''


It was only a few months ago that I drove 5 hours to meet them all for a girls night that was only one night. I arrived at 5 and they all stopped along the way for dinner and some drinks and arrived at a lovely 7 pm, 2 full hours after I did. Their drive was only 2.5 hours.

I understand that I was the one that moved away, but in the 2.5 years I have lived here, they have only visited once. I will also be back home for 4 days in January, and have been ''home'' at least 10 times in the last year, in which we have met up.


But, I digress... it is not what I would do, I always put out more than my friends... it is that this now involves my husband and I don''t want to drag him all over the state for one night with my friends. When he knows good and well, that the favor would not be returned. I can deal with it, that is a personal choice. But once it involves him, I feel like I have to put my personal decisions aside some what.

Well, that might change things, if you are going to get the chance to see them again a few days after NYE, I probably wouldn''t go. It is good to try to stay friends when you geographically split, but you also can''t start expecting to see them multiple times a month, every milestone, etc. For that reason, I think I am swinging to that I probably wouldn''t go, either, but, I would offer to set up another time. Heck, I might even suggest a time when they could come and see you so the pressure and the distance is on them.

And, I also personally really hate when my DH agrees to things only because he knows it is what I want to do.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/28/2009 2:29:41 PM
Author: katamari

Date: 12/28/2009 1:54:58 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/28/2009 1:45:30 PM

Author: katamari

I would recommend going, even though the drive is intense. As someone who has moved further and further away from good friends as life progresses and has seen friends scatter across the globe, it only becomes easier for making excuses for not seeing them once you start. If these are people you see yourself outgrowing, that is one thing. But, if you want to keep them around for as long as possible, what is a few hours drive to do it? Plus, with Baby B on the way, the day trips are probably only going to get harder. Hate to throw up another dissenting opinion once it seems like you are leaning one way, but that is what I think.

Thank you Kat.


But if you were 100% sure that these friends wouldn't drive 4 hours each way for a one night thing for you... would you still do it? This is what I keep going back to... 'Would I have agreed to this, if I had known from the beginning that it was only one night?'


It was only a few months ago that I drove 5 hours to meet them all for a girls night that was only one night. I arrived at 5 and they all stopped along the way for dinner and some drinks and arrived at a lovely 7 pm, 2 full hours after I did. Their drive was only 2.5 hours.

I understand that I was the one that moved away, but in the 2.5 years I have lived here, they have only visited once. I will also be back home for 4 days in January, and have been 'home' at least 10 times in the last year, in which we have met up.


But, I digress... it is not what I would do, I always put out more than my friends... it is that this now involves my husband and I don't want to drag him all over the state for one night with my friends. When he knows good and well, that the favor would not be returned. I can deal with it, that is a personal choice. But once it involves him, I feel like I have to put my personal decisions aside some what.

Well, that might change things, if you are going to get the chance to see them again a few days after NYE, I probably wouldn't go. It is good to try to stay friends when you geographically split, but you also can't start expecting to see them multiple times a month, every milestone, etc. For that reason, I think I am swinging to that I probably wouldn't go, either, but, I would offer to set up another time. Heck, I might even suggest a time when they could come and see you so the pressure and the distance is on them.

And, I also personally really hate when my DH agrees to things only because he knows it is what I want to do.

LOL! I'm actually dreading letting this chance pass by without taking full advantage!

I think that I have my answer. I will just politely decline, and say that had I know it was only going to be one night, I wouldn't have RSVP'd due to the circumstances. I will suggest that we set up a girls night for the Friday that I come in town later in the month.

Thanks ladies! My mother still hasn't called me back, so if I hadn't posted here, I would still be stewing over this.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 12/28/2009 12:07:19 PM
Author: neatfreak
I think it''s best to be honest. Just say something like:

I really miss you guys and want to see you but I misunderstood and thought everyone was staying the whole weekend. It''s a lot of driving for us for just a few hours and I just don''t think we can do it this time around. I''m so sorry-I am really bummed I am going to miss out!

If they are real friends they will totally understand.

This.

I would not blame it on pregnancy or anything else, I''d just tell them it''s too much driving for one night and then enjoy a quiet evening with your husband.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 12/28/2009 3:19:18 PM
Author: KimberlyH

Date: 12/28/2009 12:07:19 PM
Author: neatfreak
I think it''s best to be honest. Just say something like:

I really miss you guys and want to see you but I misunderstood and thought everyone was staying the whole weekend. It''s a lot of driving for us for just a few hours and I just don''t think we can do it this time around. I''m so sorry-I am really bummed I am going to miss out!

If they are real friends they will totally understand.

This.

I would not blame it on pregnancy or anything else, I''d just tell them it''s too much driving for one night and then enjoy a quiet evening with your husband.

Ditto, this is the best idea to me...

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 12/28/2009 2:07:55 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I think you know what you should do, you''re just having problems owning it. Back when it was just Meresal and her buds it was up to you if you felt like being in a car for 8 hours, but now it''s not. Not only would he be driving for 8 hours, he''d lose his game watching, and time to relax away from work. Don''t do it to him. Your friends are people you see when it''s convenient for them, your hubby is forever

Have a romantic NYE and enjoy the fact that it''s the last one without a baby sitter

That''s what I would do

 

[meresal]

Kimberly and Kaleigh- Thank you ladies. Blaming it on the pregnancy was never my intention. I can always tell when someone is lying to break plans, and I don''t appreciate it when others do it to me. I''m saving those for the 3rd Tri, and then I won''t even have to make plans. Everyone will have to come to me.

I have never driven home for just one night, so it wouldn''t be any surprise that I would not have come up for this one, had I known the arrangements to begin with.

 

[movie zombie]

plus one to what purrfect said.

mz

 

[meresal]

Final decision has been made...

We have decided to meet up at the Lake House as planned, then go to watch Bowl Games and cook out on New Years Day at my parents house and meet up with other friends, spend the night there, and then drive home Saturday to be back in time for the big bowl games that night. lol

DH is happy with that arrangement and it means we will only drive an hour on Friday instead of another 4 hours back home.

Thank you everyone for your input.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I wouldn''t go, but then I am pretty selfish and have no trouble backing out of things I dont feel like doing

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/29/2009 1:36:29 AM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
I wouldn''t go, but then I am pretty selfish and have no trouble backing out of things I dont feel like doing

LOL. Sometimes I wish I were that way.

I guess I see it like this... If I never back out of plans, then I have a leg to stand on when I get mad that others do it to me.