Blame it on Pricescope...

[Regular Guy]

Prudie says "go naked" (...if your boyfriend can''t afford the ring)...

http://www.slate.com/id/2247473/?GT1=38002

What do you say...

 

[Missy]

I agree that you should not go into debt over a piece of jewelry.
He should buy her a ring he can afford and when he starts earning more and can afford the ring his FF desires then he can buy it for her.

Regardless of his feelings associated with a diamond ring. He loves her and he should want to make her happy. As long as he doesn't go into debt to do so. She loves him and should take his promise of buying her the ER of her dreams when he can afford to.

My dad proposed to my mom without an ER as he was just starting out in business. After a few years of marriage he insisted on buying her a gorgeous 3.5 carat diamond ER. It is so beautiful- the most beautiful ring I have ever seen. Bright and lively and amazingly cut.
She didn't want him to spend the money but he insisted. In any case though, my mom married him without the ER and they didn't go into debt over it. And when they were doing well financially he bought her the ring. Which she wears to this day. Never upgraded or reset (if only I was the same LOL).

Marriage and love is not about the material but the ring is viewed as a symbol of love and dedication by many. Wrong or right that is a fact. However if she needs the ring that he cannot afford and won't marry him because of it then I say she is not the right girl for him.

 

[jewelz617]

If she wouldn't accept a proposal without a ring, I wouldn't propose at all. Problem solved.

ETA: He should get her a ring he can afford for the time being. Lots of couples have to do this, especially in this economy. I don't know if it's just celebrity obsessed culture or what, but I honestly don't get these girls who expect a 3 carat diamond fresh out of grad school. My mother didn't have a diamond that was over half a carat until my parent's 30th wedding anniversary!

You either really want the ring, or you really want the guy. Sometimes it's about priorities.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 3/19/2010 9:33:18 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678
If she wouldn't accept a proposal without a ring, I wouldn't propose at all. Problem solved.

You either really want the ring, or you really want the guy. Sometimes it's about priorities.

You said it best, my dear.

Personally, I would've said "yes" to my FI's proposal if he had a piece of string to tie around my finger. I want him, and that's what really matters to me.

I think we can all sympathize with wanting a "symbol" of the proposal/engagement, but it doesn't have to be the big kahuna right away. That's why the word "upgrade" is so darn popular

ETA a missing word

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 3/19/2010 9:59:53 AM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 3/19/2010 9:33:18 AM

Author: PinkAsscher678

If she wouldn''t accept a proposal without a ring, I wouldn''t propose at all. Problem solved.


You either really want the ring, or you really want the guy. Sometimes it''s about priorities.

You said it best, my dear.


Personally, I would''ve said ''yes'' to my FI''s proposal if he had a piece of string to tie around my finger. I want him, and that''s what really matters to me.


I think we can all sympathize with wanting a ''symbol'' of the proposal/engagement, but it doesn''t have to be the big kahuna right away. That''s why the word ''upgrade'' is so darn popular

ETA a missing word

I agree to a certain extent (mainly because I''m happily married with a honkin'' rock on my finger). I remember the excitement and anticipation of getting engaged, and to be honest, as a girl who likes sparkly things, the ring definitely played a role in that excitement. While I do think a couple should go with a ring that works for them financially, I don''t think the woman should be judged because she wants her dream ring. Sometimes the fall from dream to reality is a far one and we should be a little sympathetic to the one whose dreams are being crushed. And a lot of people don''t know about upgrading or don''t think it''s an option. For them the e-ring is their forever ring, so I don''t blame a girl for being a little disappointed at having to settle.

 

[jewelz617]

I guess I just don't get it. I sympathize with wanting a nice ring and all (otherwise I wouldn't be here), but it shouldn't be a deal breaker as it seems to be for the girl in this article. She'd rather begin married life in debt than go without a ring? Yikes. She "has made it clear that she needs a "moderately good-sized ring." That's not being a little disappointed, that's being demanding. No one NEEDS an engagement ring.

 

[monarch64]

Honestly, I think the girl is smart enough to know she''s got kind of a dud on her hands here. She''s giving him an "out" by telling him that a ring is necessary. Look, even Prudie remarks on the fact that this young man is not the brightest bulb in the box, his logic is flawed, and he hasn''t done his homework. Imo, the girl is doing herself a favor by making a request she knows he can''t and probably will not fulfill. Is it right? I don''t know, who am I to say? Does it seem a little mean? Probably. But really...would you marry a guy who had to write this sort of Dear Abbey letter? Reeks of indecisiveness and limited mental capacity to me.

 

[princesss]

Date: 3/19/2010 10:17:36 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678
I guess I just don't get it. I sympathize with wanting a nice ring and all (otherwise I wouldn't be here), but it shouldn't be a deal breaker as it seems to be for the girl in this article. She'd rather begin married life in debt than go without a ring? Yikes. She 'has made it clear that she needs a 'moderately good-sized ring.' That's not being a little disappointed, that's being demanding. No one NEEDS an engagement ring.

Okay, but to be fair, we don't know what her idea of "moderately good-sized" is. We're only getting the (very biased) opinion of her BF. If he objects to buying a ring on so many levels, she could want half a carat and he still thinks of it as "buying" her.

While I agree that nobody should go into debt for a ring, and people need to be a little more realistic about their budget and lifestyle perhaps not supporting a 2ct ring, we don't know that she's asking for that.

It sounds like this guy is capable of saving for a ring at some point. They should just sit down and decide what is more important - getting engaged soon or getting engaged when he can afford the ring.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 3/19/2010 10:28:15 AM
Author: princesss

Date: 3/19/2010 10:17:36 AM

Author: PinkAsscher678

I guess I just don''t get it. I sympathize with wanting a nice ring and all (otherwise I wouldn''t be here), but it shouldn''t be a deal breaker as it seems to be for the girl in this article. She''d rather begin married life in debt than go without a ring? Yikes. She ''has made it clear that she needs a ''moderately good-sized ring.'' That''s not being a little disappointed, that''s being demanding. No one NEEDS an engagement ring.

Okay, but to be fair, we don''t know what her idea of ''moderately good-sized'' is. We''re only getting the (very biased) opinion of her BF. If he objects to buying a ring on so many levels, she could want half a carat and he still thinks of it as ''buying'' her.


While I agree that nobody should go into debt for a ring, and people need to be a little more realistic about their budget and lifestyle perhaps not supporting a 2ct ring, we don''t know that she''s asking for that.


It sounds like this guy is capable of saving for a ring at some point. They should just sit down and decide what is more important - getting engaged soon or getting engaged when he can afford the ring.

That''s true. We don''t know the girl''s side of the story. Sometimes guys tend to exaggerate. I was just using that carat size as an example. Hopefully the girl in question is open to saving for her dream ring instead of the loan.

 

[purselover]

I agree with Prudie 100%.

I understand wanting your "dream" ring but here's where I come from: Ever since DH and I realized we would definitely be getting married one day I thought about what type of ring I'd like, I wanted something big, and sparkly, perhaps even a colored diamond - so by default very expensive. Sadly he was in grad school during this time so our wedding (since you're not engaged without a kicking ring) would simply have to wait ....... or so I thought until one day I grew up and realized how dumb that was! A ring does not make a marriage, so I told him I didn't need a ring least of all an expensive one right now so he decided to propose with my mom's ering. In a few years I have no doubt the ring of my dreams will come but right now I'm so happy I decided to get over myself and get married when we did.

ETA: while I don't think you need a ring to be engaged, I think his reasons for not wanting to buy one (besides for finances) are pretty ridiculous and self-centered. Couples need to compromise just because it's not important to him doesn't mean it's not to her as well, there can definitely be some middle ground with this.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 3/19/2010 10:28:15 AM
Author: princesss

Date: 3/19/2010 10:17:36 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678
I guess I just don't get it. I sympathize with wanting a nice ring and all (otherwise I wouldn't be here), but it shouldn't be a deal breaker as it seems to be for the girl in this article. She'd rather begin married life in debt than go without a ring? Yikes. She 'has made it clear that she needs a 'moderately good-sized ring.' That's not being a little disappointed, that's being demanding. No one NEEDS an engagement ring.

Okay, but to be fair, we don't know what her idea of 'moderately good-sized' is. We're only getting the (very biased) opinion of her BF. If he objects to buying a ring on so many levels, she could want half a carat and he still thinks of it as 'buying' her.

While I agree that nobody should go into debt for a ring, and people need to be a little more realistic about their budget and lifestyle perhaps not supporting a 2ct ring, we don't know that she's asking for that.

It sounds like this guy is capable of saving for a ring at some point. They should just sit down and decide what is more important - getting engaged soon or getting engaged when he can afford the ring.

I agree. But what I also read in the letter was the guys has "no money". So, even a ring that costs $300 (if that's what she wanted) may be out of his range right now. But it also seems to me that he really wants to propose to her.

I don't know, I just don't think a ring should cause this much of an "issue" in an engagement scenario, I guess. If you want to marry someone, the ring shouldn't matter this much. You can always get a ring later!

But, like HH said, I've already got mine

ETA: I didn't take the guys "other" reasons seriously, only the financial reason.

 

[princesss]

Date: 3/19/2010 10:43:28 AM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 3/19/2010 10:28:15 AM
Author: princesss

Date: 3/19/2010 10:17:36 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678
I guess I just don''t get it. I sympathize with wanting a nice ring and all (otherwise I wouldn''t be here), but it shouldn''t be a deal breaker as it seems to be for the girl in this article. She''d rather begin married life in debt than go without a ring? Yikes. She ''has made it clear that she needs a ''moderately good-sized ring.'' That''s not being a little disappointed, that''s being demanding. No one NEEDS an engagement ring.

Okay, but to be fair, we don''t know what her idea of ''moderately good-sized'' is. We''re only getting the (very biased) opinion of her BF. If he objects to buying a ring on so many levels, she could want half a carat and he still thinks of it as ''buying'' her.

While I agree that nobody should go into debt for a ring, and people need to be a little more realistic about their budget and lifestyle perhaps not supporting a 2ct ring, we don''t know that she''s asking for that.

It sounds like this guy is capable of saving for a ring at some point. They should just sit down and decide what is more important - getting engaged soon or getting engaged when he can afford the ring.

I agree. But what I also read in the letter was the guys has ''no money''. So, even a ring that costs $300 (if that''s what she wanted) may be out of his range right now. But it also seems to me that he really wants to propose to her.

I don''t know, I just don''t think a ring should cause this much of an ''issue'' in an engagement scenario, I guess. If you want to marry someone, the ring shouldn''t matter this much. You can always get a ring later!

But, like HH said, I''ve already got mine

ETA: I didn''t take the guys ''other'' reasons seriously, only the financial reason.

I guess I just think that if she''s willing to wait to get engaged until he can get her a ring, that ought to be an option. But if she''s bugging him about wanting to get engaged ASAP, she needs to bring the ring expectations down, or realize that she may end up getting it as an anniversary ring.

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 3/19/2010 9:33:18 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678
If she wouldn''t accept a proposal without a ring, I wouldn''t propose at all. Problem solved.

You either really want the ring, or you really want the guy. Sometimes it''s about priorities.

Precisely how I see it. When it comes to jewelry or relationships, that really shouldn''t be a question

 

[PumpkinPie]

The young man in the column states his girlfriend "needs" a moderately good sized engagement ring - NO ONE NEEDS jewelry - needs and wants are two completely separate categories in life. I will refrain from ranting more - except this last line - but that''s ridiculous. Many people (myself included) want and love and enjoy and covet diamonds and jewelry, but not a single one of us needs them.

 

[that_someone_special]

Before I got engaged, I wanted a huge princess cut diamond. It HAD to be over a carat. It HAD to be blahblahblah. Well cr@p happened and it turns out I preferred OEC''s. We couldn''t afford a carat. I got something much smaller. At the time, I was just so obsessed with getting what I wanted and when I wanted it, I didn''t take into consideration the debt/ or amount of money needed for the ring I wanted. How could I expect my FI to give me a ring when he lost his job??? Thankfully, we are not in that situation anymore but I always feel a bit embarrassed for the way I was thinking back then.

I had growing up to do.... she might as well

 

[whitby_2773]

hmmm - this struck me a little differently....

the guy writing sounded like he wanted back-up in his quest not to get his girlfriend an engagement ring. he didn't at ALL strike me as tho he was saying "i'd LOVE to get her the ring of her dreams! i just cant afford it!" he sounded as tho he doesn't want to get her anything and was looking for back-up to go read to her to 'prove how wrong she is'. i HATE that sort of approach! to me, the guy sounds like a scrooge.

he refers to it as 'a stupid ring'; this isn't a guy just having financial difficulties - this is a guy who doesn't believe a ring is necessary. i wonder what else he skimps on? i wonder if, for her, this is a line in the sand - like - "ok - i'll go without this...and this...and this...but i want an engagement ring!"

he says she isn't materialistic, so i suspect her idea of a moderately nice sized ring might be closer to the .7 range than the 2.7 range. prudence's take on it all is colored by the fact that she never had an engagement ring and didn't want one.

any guy who writes in to an advice columnist with his philosophical objections to buying an engagement ring is a dick in my opinion. calling in external help to prove why he shouldn't get something for his partner that she wants is a mode of arguing he had best lose REAL quick if he hopes to be happily married.

she doesn't sound materialistic to me - i mean - gee! if even a guy like *this* says she isn't materialistic, then she's probably way down the non-materialistic end of the spectrum!

but if he's already trying to argue her out of the things she wants, she'd best see that as a red flag.

bet he's studying law...

 

[NeverEndingUpgrade]

Date: 3/20/2010 12:38:47 PM
Author: whitby_2773
hmmm - this struck me a little differently....

the guy writing sounded like he wanted back-up in his quest not to get his girlfriend an engagement ring. he didn''t at ALL strike me as tho he was saying ''i''d LOVE to get her the ring of her dreams! i just cant afford it!'' he sounded as tho he doesn''t want to get her anything and was looking for back-up to go read to her to ''prove how wrong she is''. i HATE that sort of approach! to me, the guy sounds like a scrooge.

he refers to it a ''a stupid ring''; this isn''t a guy just having financial difficulties - this is a guy who doesn''t believe a ring is necessary. i wonder what else he skimps on? i wonder if, for her, this is a line in the sand - like - ''ok - i''ll go without this...and this...and this...but i want an engagement ring!''

he says she isn''t materialistic, so i suspect her idea of a moderately nice sized ring might be closer to the .7 range than the 2.7 range. prudence''s take on it all is colored by the fact that she never had an engagement ring and didn''t want one.

any guy who writes in to an advice columnist with his philosophical objections to buying an engagement ring is a dick in my opinion. calling in external help to prove why he shouldn''t get something for his partner is a mode of arguing he had best lose REAL quick if he hopes to be happily married.

she doesn''t sound materialistic tome - i mean - gee! if even a guy like *this* says she isn''t materialistic, then she''s probably way down the non-materialistic end of the spectrum!

but if he''s already trying to argue her out of the things she wants, she''d best see that as a red flag.

LLLLOOOOLLLL!!!!!!! And a cheapskate. This lady might want to take it as a warning!

 

[Missy]

Date: 3/20/2010 12:38:47 PM
Author: whitby_2773
hmmm - this struck me a little differently....


the guy writing sounded like he wanted back-up in his quest not to get his girlfriend an engagement ring. he didn't at ALL strike me as tho he was saying 'i'd LOVE to get her the ring of her dreams! i just cant afford it!' he sounded as tho he doesn't want to get her anything and was looking for back-up to go read to her to 'prove how wrong she is'. i HATE that sort of approach! to me, the guy sounds like a scrooge.


he refers to it as 'a stupid ring'; this isn't a guy just having financial difficulties - this is a guy who doesn't believe a ring is necessary. i wonder what else he skimps on? i wonder if, for her, this is a line in the sand - like - 'ok - i'll go without this...and this...and this...but i want an engagement ring!'


he says she isn't materialistic, so i suspect her idea of a moderately nice sized ring might be closer to the .7 range than the 2.7 range. prudence's take on it all is colored by the fact that she never had an engagement ring and didn't want one.


any guy who writes in to an advice columnist with his philosophical objections to buying an engagement ring is a dick in my opinion. calling in external help to prove why he shouldn't get something for his partner that she wants is a mode of arguing he had best lose REAL quick if he hopes to be happily married.


she doesn't sound materialistic to me - i mean - gee! if even a guy like *this* says she isn't materialistic, then she's probably way down the non-materialistic end of the spectrum!


but if he's already trying to argue her out of the things she wants, she'd best see that as a red flag.



bet he's studying law...

I absolutely agree with this. If he doesn't put her desires and happiness first especially now when he is going to propose I shudder to think how their marriage will pan out. Especially when the really tough issues pop up. Now is supposed to be the honeymoon phase of their relationship (the courtship and proposal). What happens when things start getting difficult?

ps lack of generosity with money (as long as you have the money that is) is a sign IMO of a more serious problem...lack of generosity translates to many other areas of life. I feel if you are cheap with your wallet you may also lack generosity with time, love and emotions. Unfortunately I see this time and again.

So I apologise for the sweeping generalisation however I believe it applies in many cases. I find the most generous people are also the most kind and loving and accepting and the most frugal/cheap people are the same way (cheap) with their emotions.

 

[Cehrabehra]

we did this - i ended up having to wait 15 years and I never thought I''d be waiting that long, but it was worth it, mostly lol I tell him he could have gotten off with far less if he''d done it sooner lol