Wedding Bitter Maid of Honor

[sweeti_pie_us]

I know it''s a bit selfish and I''ll probably receive a lot of angry replies, but I had to air my frustrations somewhere. I was asked to be a maid of honor by a someone I would barely care an aquaintance. I agreed, mostly because I felt that if she was resorting to me, a girl she''d only recently met, she must not have a whole lot of friends and I figured, "what the heck?, I''ve had a lot of experience being a bridesmaid... how hard could it be to a move up a step to maid of honor?" Then things started to change. She later made the comment, "You must think I don''t have many friends, but I actually only asked you because my good friends are live on the other side of the country so it would be hard for them to help out from the east coast." I immediately felt put out, like she was basically pointing out that I was her last resort and there are girls she''d put before me, but basically needed a person closer to act as her MOH (aka "slave" as I''d later discover).

From there, she''s been semi-okay to work with but her family is making a ton of demands like showers, luncheons, and so on. I''ve already forked over $800, including $250.00 for a beyond fancy dress that I can never wear again, $400.00 in gas for the 5 trips I''ve had to make back and forth to a city about 175 miles away, and $250.00 for the parties I''ve had to host thus far. I''ve called her other bridesmaids and some of her close family members to ask for assistance, at least with bringing some of the food and decorations, but have received very little help. I still have the bachelorette party coming up and she insisted we do a dinner at her favorite restarant. I have already reserved a side room and in the invitations, asked that everyone RSVP''ing send $10.00 to offset the costs for the food and room reservation (I would still be paying for the majority, even with the donations). After receiving the invitation, the bride''s aunt called me to tell me how tacky that was and if I wasn''t planning on paying for everything, I shouldn''t have planned such an elegant party.

I''m a nice person (maybe too nice!) and have been a pretty good sport with everything, but I told my friend and her family from the beginning that I don''t have a ton of money to spend (I make less than $30,000 a year and have student loans to pay off!), and they don''t seem to care. I have tried to talk to my friend numerous times about my predicament and she becomes overly sensitive about it and makes it out to be me overreacting. She then plays the pitty card saying, "You think you have it so rough. Try planning a wedding!" I am so frustrated and ready to walk away, but the big day is just around the corner and I already have a lot invested. I plan on discontinuing our friendship after the wedding, but feel it would be in terrible taste to abondone the wedding now.

Am I really overreacting, and are these normal expectations of the Maid of Honor? Somehow I don''t feel honored being asked to be the Maid of "Honor".

 

[MsSassy]

honestly i would be pissed, but i probably think differently than most. My mentality is that if i ask someone to be a part of my wedding, as my guest, than i''m not making them pay for anything. my bridesmaids insist on paying for my bachelorette party and i know that they all plan of splitting the cost (7 of them) but for showers etc, i will pay for it. I''m not going to ask someone to do me a favor and than expect them to dish out 1k to do it...personally i think its inconsiderate on the part of the bride to pick a $250 dress and make you pay for it. Would she have picked that dress is SHE was the one paying for it???

We have 7 bridesmaids and 7 groomsmen in our wedding. We''re not rich, but as our guests we arent asking them to pay for anything that has to do with being apart of the wedding. I''m having all the dresses custom made and i''m covering the costs. We''re also paying for all the tux rentals and MUA and stylists for the bridesmaids.

I know this isnt the norm, but honestly i feel it should be...it makes people more considerate of others'' financial situations. I mean if you have 7 bridesmaids and you wanted them to have a dress that cost $300 bucks that THEY would have to pay for than you wouldn''t care because its not coming out of your pocket, but if the bride was paying for it, im sure she would rethink spending $2100 on bridesmaid dresses...jmo

 

[luckystar112]

Honestly, I''d bow out now and say thanks but no thanks to being the MOH...especially since she basically outright told you why she gave you the job.
Doesn''t sound like you owe her anything. Tell her aunty to handle it from now on.

 

[Yimmers]

You''re not the maid of honor, you''ve the "slave of honor." IMO, you are being walked all over and you''ve done more than enough in terms of time and money for this "friend." It''s also off putting that she''d rather have had her other friends do it except for the fact they''re on the east coast. The sheer matter that''s she''s chosen you only for her convenience is something I find rather distasteful. The fact that you won''t speak to her afterwards also says a lot about how you feel about being used.

Will it be tacky to walk out now? Probably, and the people in that circle will talk crap about you for ditching. But, since they were rude enough to tell you that you were tacky to ask for some type of contribution for the bachelorette party, I wouldn''t be surprised if they talk about you even if you were at the wedding. If I were you, I''d leave, but that''s me. I would feel no need to invest any more of my time in something that I will have nothing to show for in the end, since the friendship will be over. I''d quit, sell the dress and cut my losses.

 

[museikchik]

Date: 9/29/2008 12:27:33 AM
Author:sweeti_pie_us
I know it''s a bit selfish and I''ll probably receive a lot of angry replies, but I had to air my frustrations somewhere. I was asked to be a maid of honor by a someone I would barely care an aquaintance. I agreed, mostly because I felt that if she was resorting to me, a girl she''d only recently met, she must not have a whole lot of friends and I figured, ''what the heck?, I''ve had a lot of experience being a bridesmaid... how hard could it be to a move up a step to maid of honor?'' Then things started to change. She later made the comment, ''You must think I don''t have many friends, but I actually only asked you because my good friends are live on the other side of the country so it would be hard for them to help out from the east coast.'' I immediately felt put out, like she was basically pointing out that I was her last resort and there are girls she''d put before me, but basically needed a person closer to act as her MOH (aka ''slave'' as I''d later discover).

From there, she''s been semi-okay to work with but her family is making a ton of demands like showers, luncheons, and so on. I''ve already forked over $800, including $250.00 for a beyond fancy dress that I can never wear again, $400.00 in gas for the 5 trips I''ve had to make back and forth to a city about 175 miles away, and $250.00 for the parties I''ve had to host thus far. I''ve called her other bridesmaids and some of her close family members to ask for assistance, at least with bringing some of the food and decorations, but have received very little help. I still have the bachelorette party coming up and she insisted we do a dinner at her favorite restarant. I have already reserved a side room and in the invitations, asked that everyone RSVP''ing send $10.00 to offset the costs for the food and room reservation (I would still be paying for the majority, even with the donations). After receiving the invitation, the bride''s aunt called me to tell me how tacky that was and if I wasn''t planning on paying for everything, I shouldn''t have planned such an elegant party.

I''m a nice person (maybe too nice!) and have been a pretty good sport with everything, but I told my friend and her family from the beginning that I don''t have a ton of money to spend (I make less than $30,000 a year and have student loans to pay off!), and they don''t seem to care. I have tried to talk to my friend numerous times about my predicament and she becomes overly sensitive about it and makes it out to be me overreacting. She then plays the pitty card saying, ''You think you have it so rough. Try planning a wedding!'' I am so frustrated and ready to walk away, but the big day is just around the corner and I already have a lot invested. I plan on discontinuing our friendship after the wedding, but feel it would be in terrible taste to abondone the wedding now.

Am I really overreacting, and are these normal expectations of the Maid of Honor? Somehow I don''t feel honored being asked to be the Maid of ''Honor''.

I am not trying to be mean but it seems like she targeted you for a MOH because you are such a nice person. As a bride I chose my mom to be my "Matron of Honor" because we are close. That was more to help me with the planning aspect since she has done it before and I haven''t. I wouldn''t expect for her to spend all of this money. I personally think it is ridiculous to ask someone to be your Maid of Honor and then expect them to shell out all of this money. Hello it is not the MOH''s wedding.

I agree with everyone else and think that you shouldn''t be her MOH. It should be fun for both of you and it definitely doesn''t sound like it is fun for you. It sounds like you are doing all this stuff for people who don''t even appreciate it. They will be mad but for your sanity, I think it is best to walk away...

 

[Gwyn]

I don''t blame you for being annoyed. To think you are going to be sholdering the burden of paying for all these events is insane! The dress is super excessive, IMO, but I will give her a pass on that.

The travel, probably not totally necessary but ...ok.

But the bachelorette party, where I am from the whole lot of people invited to the party pay for the party. Or, at least the total bridal party. People going expect this, and you shouldnt have to be asking them for money.

A shower, not your responsibility. I get that it is typically hosted by the MOH but, unlike paying for your dress, there is nothing that says you HAVE to throw one. And if she has elaborate demands and such, other friends and family should be pitching in.

And luncheons, is this something in addition to a shower they expect you to host?

Anyway, I would just explain to her that you were honored to be asked and don''t mind participating and planning these events but you just cannot financially support all of her requests. Explain to her the funds you have already laid out and the original budget you had in mind. If the two of you cannot come to some kind of an agreement, then tell her she needs to find someone else.

I wouldnt usually give that kind of advice, but I think that what she is expecting is a little over the top for someone who isnt a close friend or family (and she even admitted that there were other people who were better suited they were just too far).

I wouldn''t put out more then 1,000.00 for a MoH or bridesmaid. I have paid out a little more then that for my sister but that is about it. If you have already shelled out $800 and still have a bachelorette party and probably other day of costs to come...I think she needs to hear from you.

Then again, I am in complete agreement with MsSassy. Asking someone to be in your wedding is a way of honoring someone close to you. There shouldnt be a price attached to that. FI and I are paying for all our bridal partie''s required attire and such. We had no kind of an engagement party or shower for them to host or where additional gifts would be exchanged. The only thing that the bridal party is paying for is the bachelor / bachelorette parties and even there, we told them that we would host a large party at our place, kind of a big celebration. They chose on their own to do something outside of that.

Maybe she doesnt have to be on my end of the extreme, but it sure seems like she could take the costs of your involvement into account a little!

 

[Smo]

sweeti_pie_us, wow, this girl sounds awful. This is one of my all-time pet peeves, people who ask someone to be part of their bridal party and then expect them to spend huge amounts of money to be a part of their wedding.

I know some people won''t agree with me but I think if you ask someone to be in your wedding then they should not have to pay for it. If you can''t afford to pay for your bridesmaids/MOH then don''t have them.

It sounds like this girl is really taking advantage of you, if I was you I would put my foot down about it. You have done enough and should not have to pay any more money, especially if you can''t afford it. The comment the aunt made is beyond rude. You should sit her down and tell her politely but firmly that you are honoured to be a part of her wedding but unfortunately the cost so far has been x amount and you just can’t afford to do anymore. Be firm with her and don’t let her guilt you into backing down.

A ex-work colleague asked me to be her bridesmaid and at the time I explained to her that I was happy to do it and honoured she had asked me but my partner and I were trying hard to pay of some debts at the moment so I had a limited budget in terms of what dress I could afford and would prefer to get something I could wear again. She agreed and said she was happy to pay for the dresses for us as it was her wedding. Two months down the track she asks us to meet and then told us that she had picked the dresses she wanted us to wear but the wedding costs were adding up and could we pay for them. They were awful green floor length dresses in this horrible cheap fabric costing $500!

I told her that I was sorry, I just couldn''t afford it so could we consider something cheaper (and something I could wear again). She ended up backing down and bought the dresses herself.

Fast forward to after the wedding (she got married in March this year) and I haven''t heard from her since. Clearly I was her bridesmaid because she had no other friends and she had to have two bridesmaids. I am so glad I didn’t say yes to paying for the dress (I gave it back to her after the wedding) because I felt guilty or that I owed it to her.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Hi SPU!

Haha you haven''t received one angry reply yet have you??

I think everyone here agrees with you. I certainly do.

Sounds like you had no idea this girl was going to act this way. I consider myself a nice person, and I''ve been a bridesmaid but never a MOH, so I probably would have accepted too and just figured it would be fairly easy, just a little more close helping out.

First off, it sounds like this girl getting married is the truly tacky one. She NEVER should have said that to you about why she picked you. I think I would have bowed out right there if she''d told me that (but I''ve also become much more of a short fuse than all around nice person than years ago hehe), because apparently she thinks YOU should be honored and want to give your life over to her until she''s married, instead of her being honored to have you by her side. And she is even MORE tacky to be DEMANDING these parties and the details of them. That is serious bad taste - brides should be honored if people decide to do anything for them, and then they can politely mention a few things they would prefer over others... but she shouldn''t expect anything, and definitely shouldn''t demand. She sounds like serious bridezilla material, and I just wouldn''t be able to put up with that for long at all. You must have more patience than I do

, but sounds like it''s run out!

Second, her family sounds just as tacky and into only appearances. I just think it''s sad how weddings have turned out to be in today''s time. They are supposed to be special days that share that bond of the couple with family and friends. Most importantly, it''s about the couple. But no one cares about that anymore - it''s all about appearances, and who can spend the most money and get the most people to do things for them and have the biggest party.

If I were you, I''d probably back out. But I''d have a hard time doing that with so much money invested already. I agree with the comments about sitting down with her and talking it out. Tell her you CANNOT afford to spend any more money, and you WILL NOT. Tell her she has offended you, but you''d like to be a part of her day if things could change a bit. See if she can be nicer and appreciate you for doing this with her - at least ask her to respect you as a normal person (and as person who has bills like everyone else - you didn''t plan all these costs in your budget!). If she can''t, then take the high road and politely bow out. You don''t need any more added stress, especially if that whole day of the wedding will be like this. Sounds like she''s no true friend, and you''re not going to miss her much anyway.

Hope this helps a bit!

I''ve been through similar situations.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

And Smo, way to go on not backing down about the dress! You did the right thing by being up front with her early on, so then when she asked you to pay later, you had a perfectly good backup reason to say no.

SPU - I just read over what I wrote. I''m sorry if that sounded kind of harsh about her and her family. I don''t try to purposefully be rude about anybody, but this girl and her family really just are not respecting you at all. Maybe they know nothing of having to make ends meet and how costs like you''ve had to take can REALLY put a hurting on someone''s bank account. But regardless, I''d be up front with her as soon as possible. I''d also be up front with her other bridesmaids. Tell them that you ALL need to be paying EQUALLY for the bachelorette party (I''d say you excluded from any of the costs, but I don''t think that''d fly) since you''ve incurred so many costs already. If they say it''s your job, tell them you''ve already covered everything else. And if none of this works and they can''t respect you at least for what you''ve already done, I''d leave immediately. THEN see how they handle everything with no slave to do it all for them. See how they like appearances then! Sorry, that''s rude... but still funny.

I feel sorry for the guy she''s marrying - he must be very patient... or be good at giving in.

 

[LaraOnline]

I think that it sounds awful, and I am surprised that so much is expected of a Maid of Honour. What is it with all the parties and paying out of your own pocket?!
I know things are more relaxed around here, but personally, I thought all a Maid of Honour needed to do (in conjunction with the Bridesmaids) is to organise the Hen''s night.
Showers and other associated bsh*** should be organised by the mum. Or, maybe the aunt!

It''ll all be over soon. Change your number.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 9/29/2008 7:52:08 AM
Author: LaraOnline
I think that it sounds awful, and I am surprised that so much is expected of a Maid of Honour. What is it with all the parties and paying out of your own pocket?!

I know things are more relaxed around here, but personally, I thought all a Maid of Honour needed to do (in conjunction with the Bridesmaids) is to organise the Hen''s night.

Showers and other associated bsh*** should be organised by the mum. Or, maybe the aunt!


It''ll all be over soon. Change your number.

Ditto. I would definitely NOT pay for an expensive bachelorette dinner or anything else for that matter. Tell her you''re tapped out and if she wants it, she can pay for it. You need to put your foot down NOW!

 

[neatfreak]

Aww sweetie, you are totally NOT in the wrong here. It''s a lot to ask of anyone to do those things, and it sounds like you have gone totally above and beyond for this girl.

IMO she IS taking advantage of you, whether she means to or not. You need to put your foot down and say "I''m sorry, but I just CANNOT afford to do XYZ right now". If she''s a real friend she will understand and feel ashamed at her carelessness about your financial situation. If she doesn''t care or is rude, then I say back out because she obviously isn''t a real friend....

 

[bee*]

Date: 9/29/2008 8:12:23 AM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 9/29/2008 7:52:08 AM

Author: LaraOnline

I think that it sounds awful, and I am surprised that so much is expected of a Maid of Honour. What is it with all the parties and paying out of your own pocket?!


I know things are more relaxed around here, but personally, I thought all a Maid of Honour needed to do (in conjunction with the Bridesmaids) is to organise the Hen''s night.


Showers and other associated bsh*** should be organised by the mum. Or, maybe the aunt!



It''ll all be over soon. Change your number.

Ditto. I would definitely NOT pay for an expensive bachelorette dinner or anything else for that matter. Tell her you''re tapped out and if she wants it, she can pay for it. You need to put your foot down NOW!

thritto. Seriously, do not pay another penny!

 

[Shoopy]

Sweetie,

I could have written your post literally.

My "best friend" is treating me like a complete slave (MOH). This past weekend she had me go with her to her wedding location 150 miles away. I drove all the way there (about 3.5 hours because the speed limit is 45 for most of the trip) after work at about 8PM. We get there close to midnight where she then had me help her stuff envelopes (she slept the entire car ride so she was wide awake). We didn''t get to bed until 2:30. Then woke up at 7AM to run to the post office where she yelled at me for not putting the stamps in the right place. We had meetings all day long that I drove her around to. We didn''t get back to the hotel room or even sit down until 8:30PM to which 15 minutes later she tells me that we have to go back out and walk up/down the strip in/out of hotels getting rate sheets. Again we didn''t get back in until 11:30. We woke up the next morning at 9AM so that I can drive the now 5 hours back to where we lived (Sunday commute back to the city) where she slept the entire time. She also kept referring to my fiance as my "boyfriend" the entire weekend which annoyed the hell out of me.

After all of that I still had to pay the car rental fee and the gas for the entire trip.

And this is just what has happened this weekend. Imagine that kind of behavior every day since last September.

So believe me when I tell you I know exactly how you feel. But I put up with it because I accepted the position of MOH and while we all pray that brides don''t turn into bridezillas, sometimes they do.

 

[sklingem]

Goodness - I am so glad that I will never be a MOH!!! Can''t the bride and potential MOH sit down and talk about each other''s expectations ahead of time???! Hm.

 

[Bia]

LMAO...

Those people are CRAZY to think you are supposed to foot the bill for everything. What planet are they living on that they think its entirely up to the MOH to spend money? If I were you, I''d bounce...as in "Arrivederci!"

However, if you are too nice, as you said, that you''d want to stick around, tell the BRIDE that you''re sorry if there was some type of miscommunication about the finances, but that you are not working with the type of funds that would allow you to continue to pay out of pocket for everything. If your honesty isn''t enough and she (and her family) can''t handle it the "stress," oh well, oh well!

Maybe my suggestions aren''t the most PC way to go but honestly it really burns me that some brides feel so entitled that they can justify having these crazy expectations. Its ubsurd!

I say RUN! (...FAST GIRLFRIEND)

 

[Independent Gal]

EEK! I think this is your "bad". She REALLY shouldn''t have asked you, but you REALLY shouldn''t have accepted!

At this point, be clear and honest about your financial restrictions and go from there.

What a situation.

So sorry you have to deal with it. Lesson learned though.

 

[kama_s]

You're not selfish, your supposed 'friend' is !!!!!!!!!! It's not fair that her entire family expects you to pay. If her aunt found the cover charge too tacky, then perhaps she should've covered everyone's cost

. I wouldn't stand up for this kind of BS. I'd call this girl and her aunt up and explain the situation, and say that you're willing to carry your responsibility to term, provided they extend a hand to cover all other financial costs. And if they cant, well sucks the shower is going to be at the local taco bell.

 

[Diamond Confused]

What??? Maybe I have it all wrong but I thought who ever went to the bachelorette party paid for themselves and pitched in for the bride? Why would you as the MOH have to pay for everything? I would put my foot down and say hey I''m not paying for anything else.

 

[sklingem]

Date: 9/29/2008 11:24:28 AM
Author: Independent Gal
EEK! I think this is your ''bad''. She REALLY shouldn''t have asked you, but you REALLY shouldn''t have accepted!


At this point, be clear and honest about your financial restrictions and go from there.


What a situation.

So sorry you have to deal with it. Lesson learned though.

Sorry - but is it the MOH''s "bad" if she gets screwed by the bride?? Granted, it may have been a better idea to get a clearer picture ahead of time, but it would be a very sad state of affairs if this were the to be seen as a "normal" outcome and thus, should have been expected by the MOH. This is not about asking or not asking but about a future bride (and her family) taking advantage in quite a shocking way. I guess the lesson to be learned is that you can never be too careful! And now the MOH should get out of it ASAP in my opinion.

 

[galvana]

OH.................MY................GOD
i can''t believe i just read your post and i can''t believe what you have been going through! this is TERRIBLE

I know everyone on here has different opinions depending on where they are from but this bride is horrible.
I am a bride, planning a wedding right now, its in July.
I WOULD NEVER EVER had my maid of honor shell out cash like you are. its just wrong!
I am having a hard time because i know my MOH will have to pay for most of the shower and i feel bad about that! so i am keeping my list down.
ughhhhhhhhhhhhh - i can''t believe this bride, im terrible but im thinking you should walk away, seriously, oh forgive me but i am!

I had my girls help pick their bridesmaids dresses and I made sure they were $150 or under. I told them the bachelorette can be at someone''s house even, to save them all money!
I can''t believe she said she has closer friends but chose you cuz you are closer geographically - ughhhhhhhhh, im sorry but i am with you 100%
--- this is just wrong!

how selfish of her, and shame on her family and friends for not offering to help you out! you have done way too much already, you are being too nice, and this is NOT EVEN your best friend, you said you dont even know her all that well.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh lol

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

A friend from work asked me to be her bridesmaid, and I accepted for the same reason - I assumed that she didn't have other people to ask, and I was happy to help her out. She told me later that she couldn't really pick a maid of honor, though becuase she didn't wnat ot "order" her friends. I said, "oh just go with whoever you've known the longest. nobody will get their feelings hurt." I was shocked when she said it would be me... I had only known her for a year and a half. It turns out that when she got divorced from her first marriage, she basically left a bad situation behind, including all her old high school friends etc and started over. So she just decided to have bridesmaids and no MOH.

Fast forward to later in the engagement process. I took her to the salon to get a new haircut and a makeover for her engagement pictures as a surprise gift and planned a shower (which unfortunately fell through because of some other bridesmaids, but no big deal) and helped her make all her decisions and went dress shopping with her. Since we worked together, we could discuss wedding stuff everyday. When her photographer fell through two weeks before the wedding, I found someone else to do it for her - a professional photographer friend who only charged her 500 dollars. On the day of the wedding, I did her hair, and my sister did her makeup. She was WONDERFUL and so appreciative of everything I did to help her. She even let me wear a dress I had just bought because it matched her colors. All in all, I put in time and effort, but not much money in the big scheme of things: 80 dollars for the makeover/haircut plus money for a wedding gift. I don't count the dress because I wear it all the time. At the rehearsal dinner, she turned to me and said, "You're the maid of honor, by the way." I acutally felt very honored.

We became closer friends in the process, truthfully. I think that's how it should be... the MOH does things to make life easier for the bride. The bride appreciates it and shows her gratitude. Someone who was a "work friend" became my real friend.


What you are going through is RIDICULOUS

You are not the selfish one in this scenario.

 

[priscillap]

ok you are absolutely NOT overreacting! I agree with the other posters that you need to talk to her at the very least, and perhaps even bow out (though it sucks to do that when you''re already in so deep... for you, not for her, for her I could care less if it sucks)

sorry you''re having to deal with this. incredibly lame.

 

[risingsun]

Why not give her an itemized list of your expenses and let her know that your budget has been exceeded by $xxx.xx. Either she and her family and "other friends" can step up and do their share or you can no longer afford the "honor" of being the closest person available to do her bidding. I''m so sorry you are dealing with this. She sounds like a user.

 

[Blair138]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this! I DO NOT understand brides who think that the MOH is responsible for EVERYTHING. From your post, it is obvious that she has family members who are doing NOTHING. I can understand some people who abide by etiquette that says that mothers and sisters cannot throw a shower. In my book, the aunts/cousin or ALL of the BM (not just the MOH) should step up. I think it''s crazy that YOU ALONE are paying for all of this. My sister is my MOH, and I would NEVER expect her to pay for all of that. She is asking all my bachelorette party guests to chip in (which is the norm here).

I think you should make the list like risingsun said, and tell her "sorry, no can do" I know it won''t be easy, but you will be better off.

 

[bebe]

Call me ancient, but since when did a MOH be expected to pay for all these things?

I have never heard of this. I can see the MOH pauing for her own dress, and helping out a little, but basically
acting as an unpaid wedding planner and bank??