Birthdays at work - vent

[blueyes157]

I just need to vent and not feel alone in this! At work, this manager insists on writing everyone's birthday on a calendar and "celebrating" in the office on their birthday. I have been at the company for about a year and had always thought this manager used her company card to buy the cake, but later was "told" that everyone is supposed to chip in. I wasn't aware of this and felt embarrassed. Well after what felt like 8 birthdays in 2 months I started to get a bit annoyed. Well today was one of those days. When this said manager celebrates birthdays she goes all out, card, cake (expensive bakery cake), balloons and flowers and expects all to contribute. Without sounding rude, I am very busy at work and don't really have time for these celebrations and to be frank, do not really like the people I work with. Maybe if I did like the people I worked with I would feel different, but this is getting out of hand. I am tired of having to give $5 - $7 per birthday, and we have about 12 people in our department.

Am I overreacting? How do I get out of this without sounding like a mean person? I am being paid to work, not eat cake for 30 minutes while I shoot the shit. I have told them many times NOT to do anything for my birthday, I don't want to inconvenience people nor do I expect it.

 

[Hera]

The owner of the company can't buy their own employee a cake?!! Jeez that's cheap !

eta: to answer the questions, I think I would explain that if anyone wants to buy birthday gifts, they do so on their own dime. (Of course said in a really good, less harsh way).

 

[iugurl]

You shouldn't have to feel pressured to pay for a cake/present/whatever for coworkers.

That being said, is it worth fighting and alienating everyone for $60 a year? You said there are 12 people right? I know you don't like your coworkers, but do you want them to know that you don't want to spend 30 minutes every so often with them and $5 to celebrate? I think people would understand if it was a financial problem and they expected $20 each or there were 40 ppl @ $5 each.

At least you have had 8 out of the way, only 4 left to go this year, I guess. It just depends on if it is important enough for you to mention it to your boss. Other people WILL notice when you don't go to the break room each birthday. If you don't care, then go for it!

 

[suchende]

I think it would be a bad career move to stand your ground on this one. It's just one of those office politics things you have to suffer through.

 

[VRBeauty]

I think iugirl nailed it. You don't have to participate, but there could be fallout if you choose not to - is it worth it to you? Plus, the person who's coordinating these little shindigs has an ego investment in them and might take it personally if you bow out. If she's you your direct supervisor - that could bite you in other ways. But if you don't want to be part of the birthday celebrations, then bow out. You might be surprised. I'll bet there some of your co-workers will show their support for you even if they don't choose to follow your example.

By the way, I feel your discomfort. I'm not crazy about birthday celebrations at work either - and I like my co-workers just fine! Group birthday celebrations often feel forced, and they often seem "unequal" even with the best of intentions to celebrate them all "equally." If the office manager is the one setting everything up and collecting the funds, there's the added element of subtle coersion... not good.

I've had co-workers who don't participate in holiday or birthday celebrations for religious reasons. Maybe you could get religion for the occasion?

Just kidding, really!

 

[junebug17]

I dunno...I think it's kind of a nice thing to do.

You could just tell the organizer you don't want to participate, but wouldn't that come across as a little anti-social? What would you do while everyone's hanging out and eating cake? You have to work with these people on a daily basis. I just think it might come across as a little cold.

Sorry, this is just my opinion. I'd probably just participate, but if it really bothers you then tell the person who organizes it that you don't want to be involved. I don't really see any graceful way out of it. Tell them you're on a diet maybe? I guess that would sound pretty lame.

 

[Missy]

This is one of those situations where you are better off just sucking it up and going with the flow. Workplace politics can be just as important as how good of a job you do so why chance it?

For a relatively small sum of money it is worth just going along with everyone. I feel your pain and I think it is an unethical work situation to be honest but not worth the trouble of standing up for your principle.

My dh works in the field of workplace ethics and this was actually one of the scenarios they used as an example of what is not the right thing to expect from employees i.e. chipping in for birthday cake etc. However, for what it is worth, while I agree it is unethical to put people on the spot and expect them to chip in for this sort of thing (because really you are giving the employees little option and making them feel uncomfortable if they choose not to participate) I don't think it is worth the fallout to not participate.

Life is full of battles. I pick and choose the ones worth fighting over and the ones worth just letting go as it makes things easier without sacrificing too much, KWIM?

 

[zoebartlett]

Yeah, I agree with the others. I'm not sure how to get out of it all together without it reflecting badly. You don't necessarily have to stay for the whole celebration though.

 

[Pandora II]

I think it's a small sacrifice to keep on good terms and actually nice that a company takes time to see their employees as people and not just robots.

If you're really busy it's easy to just say Happy Birthday, take a piece of cake and go back to your desk.

One company I worked for in Italy, you were expected to bring in trays of little cakes and mini pizzas etc on your birthday for around 30 people. The company provided sparkling wine for everyone (you can drink at work in Italy).

My birthday's in August and the company is always closed for a month then so I could have always got out of the whole cake buying thing. Instead I choose to do it the last day before the summer break. Yes it cost me best part of $100 each time but it was worth it.

 

[mayerling]

I don't know how I would get out of it, but I feel for you. I would be annoyed to if I had to chip in all the time for people I don't even like.

 

[JewelFreak]

Could you suggest that it would save valuable employee work time if they celebrate all the birthdays together once per quarter, or even once a month? With one cake?

The management idea that we're all going to be a better "team" by pretending we're best buddies in a professional situation is very annoying, unsuccessful & wasteful of time. Drives me nuts too. I don't suppose you'd feel it's possible to mention it to HR?

--- Laurie

 

[iheartscience]

I think it would be a bad career move to stand your ground on this one. It's just one of those office politics things you have to suffer through.

Agreed. And I'd try really hard to pretend it's FUN! when you all get together for these birthday celebrations. A lot of times, a major part of getting ahead in a job is being well-liked. If your manager and coworkers think you're a birthday-hating Scrooge it's not going to help you out. Plus $60/year and a half hour eating cake isn't really much of a sacrifice...suck it up!

 

[Autumnovember]

I think I would be more annoyed by the fact that cake was being put in front of me multiple times a month leading to me gaining weight!

 

[dragonfly411]

I think I would be more annoyed by the fact that cake was being put in front of me multiple times a month leading to me gaining weight!

Agreed.

 

[MonkeyPie]

I think it would be a bad career move to stand your ground on this one. It's just one of those office politics things you have to suffer through.

Agreed. And I'd try really hard to pretend it's FUN! when you all get together for these birthday celebrations. A lot of times, a major part of getting ahead in a job is being well-liked. If your manager and coworkers think you're a birthday-hating Scrooge it's not going to help you out. Plus $60/year and a half hour eating cake isn't really much of a sacrifice...suck it up!

This. I have one co-worker that never joins in the fun when we have department anything - birthdays, holidays, whatever. Needless to say, she is merely tolerated, and not well-liked by a long shot.

Even if you don't like your co-workers, it's better to pretend you do and remain cordial, even friendly, unless you want your work environment to be miserable. A piece of cake never killed anyone.

 

[rubybeth]

I think it might actually be illegal to post birthdays publicly at work (data privacy laws). We used to have a birthday calendar in a dept. I worked in but it had to be taken down for privacy reasons. Like others said, it might look bad if you say you're opting out of the celebration, but I wouldn't like being forced to chip in $5-$7 each birthday, when I don't even like cake.

 

[kenny]

This is a tough one.
Going along with your employer's culture can help you get ahead.

Naturally there are limits to what you "go along with".
I find this example to be annoying but if I wanted to remain at the company and cared about my future career growth there I'd just go along with it.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Like everyone else said, just play the game. Fork over the $5 to keep on everyone's good side. And, not to be rude, but $60 a year isn't much. Do you have children? What till then and you're finding that you're paying $250-300/year for all the presents for all the parties for their friends! It never ends and regardless of where/what/who the situation involves, you need to go along with it all.

PLUS, if you're not a fan of the individuals in your dept., then possibly making a good impression will help promote you to another dept you enjoy.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I think it might actually be illegal to post birthdays publicly at work (data privacy laws). We used to have a birthday calendar in a dept. I worked in but it had to be taken down for privacy reasons. Like others said, it might look bad if you say you're opting out of the celebration, but I wouldn't like being forced to chip in $5-$7 each birthday, when I don't even like cake.

Would the legalities involve month/day? Just curious as seems that it's the year the individual was born which can cause problems.

 

[kama_s]

Is this really such a big deal to you? At the very max, you are spending 84$ (12x7). Personally, I don't think it's that big of a sacrifice. As for time, you are not obligated to spend the afternoon celebrating. Go in later than everyone else, grab a slice or whatever, make small talk for 5 minutes and excuse yourself.

Maybe if you tried harder, you might end up liking them. Where's your team spirit? Being standoffish at work doesn't get you anywhere, so might as well embrace it.

 

[rubybeth]

I think it might actually be illegal to post birthdays publicly at work (data privacy laws). We used to have a birthday calendar in a dept. I worked in but it had to be taken down for privacy reasons. Like others said, it might look bad if you say you're opting out of the celebration, but I wouldn't like being forced to chip in $5-$7 each birthday, when I don't even like cake.

Would the legalities involve month/day? Just curious as seems that it's the year the individual was born which can cause problems.

We didn't have years posted, but still it had to go. We weren't obligated to contribute to a celebration, but usually someone would get a card, or the person whose birthday it was would bring in a treat to share, like kids do in elementary school.

 

[Octavia]

I think it might actually be illegal to post birthdays publicly at work (data privacy laws). We used to have a birthday calendar in a dept. I worked in but it had to be taken down for privacy reasons. Like others said, it might look bad if you say you're opting out of the celebration, but I wouldn't like being forced to chip in $5-$7 each birthday, when I don't even like cake.

Would the legalities involve month/day? Just curious as seems that it's the year the individual was born which can cause problems.

We didn't have years posted, but still it had to go. We weren't obligated to contribute to a celebration, but usually someone would get a card, or the person whose birthday it was would bring in a treat to share, like kids do in elementary school.

Maybe it's a state law? I'm a lawyer and work for a gov't agency (with a lot of other lawyers) and we have a list of birthdays withouttge years. I'd think there would have been a directive from on high at some point if it wasn't allowed, but I guess I should check on that. My office does breakfast for each person's birthday. We have a fund that we contribut to each payday and it's used to buy things like supplies our agency doesn't pay for, birthday breakfasts, flowers for employees who lose a family member, etc. It works well because everything is equal and there are no surprise requests for money. Everyone has the option not to contribute, but our office is so small, it would be uncomfortable to opt out. Even so, I find it nice and would suck it up if even if I didn't. Plus, like others have said, you can always show up and head back to your desk after a few minutes rather than lingering the whole time.

 

[afreebird]

The school where I used to work had a "Sunshine Fund" to cover first-time baby and bridal showers, funerary arrangements, etc. Everyone chipped in $20 at the beginning of the school year. If there was any leftover money in the fund at the end of the year, we would use it to buy little treats like doughnuts or kolaches to put in the staff lounge. We never got together as a whole staff to celebrate birthdays, thank goodness.

Office birthday parties actually sound kind of juvenile, in my opinion. Maybe your manager's parents withheld childhood birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese when she was growing up, and she's looking to fill the void. Or she doesn't have her own family and friends to celebrate with when her own birthday rolls around, so she forces everyone in the workplace to do so.

 

[princesss]

We do a once a month celebration to cover all birthdays and anniversaries. We generally read off names and if it's an anniversary, how long they've been with the company, grab a slice of cake, and go back to our desks.

In general, though, I agree with most people here - suck it up, smile, and grab a slice of cake. It's not an ideal situation, but when you're around people as often as you're around your coworkers it doesn't hurt to suck it up and go along with something simple every now and then.

 

[Haven]

I understand your irritation with this situation, but I also agree with everyone else that it's best to just suck it up, eat some cake, and smile at the birthday boy.

Whenever I'm forced to celebrate something with cake I think of this Jim Gaffigan bit. It helps.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-o-u4IwXkbE

 

[MonkeyPie]

Office birthday parties actually sound kind of juvenile, in my opinion. Maybe your manager's parents withheld childhood birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese when she was growing up, and she's looking to fill the void. Or she doesn't have her own family and friends to celebrate with when her own birthday rolls around, so she forces everyone in the workplace to do so.

Considering how many people, all over the world, do the office party thing, this is HIGHLY unlikely...and sort of rude.

 

[junebug17]

I understand your irritation with this situation, but I also agree with everyone else that it's best to just suck it up, eat some cake, and smile at the birthday boy.

Whenever I'm forced to celebrate something with cake I think of this Jim Gaffigan bit. It helps.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-o-u4IwXkbE

Yes! This! I was going to quote a few lines from this bit, but this is much better! I love me some Jim Gaffigan

Now I want some cake

 

[afreebird]

Office birthday parties actually sound kind of juvenile, in my opinion. Maybe your manager's parents withheld childhood birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese when she was growing up, and she's looking to fill the void. Or she doesn't have her own family and friends to celebrate with when her own birthday rolls around, so she forces everyone in the workplace to do so.

Considering how many people, all over the world, do the office party thing, this is HIGHLY unlikely...and sort of rude.

Oh dear. Oopsies. Sorry to get your panties in a wad.

As I stated, my opinion. It seems weird to me that someone who is presumably not Martha Stewart would take it upon herself to plan the in-office birthday celebrations of twelve grown people, with not just cake but balloons and flowers. Balloons?? For grownups? At work?

 

[bee*]

Personally I see nothing wrong with the birthdays in work, especially if there are only 10-12 per year. We do it in our work and we all put about €5 into the kitty for each birthday and get some pressies and a cake. I think that you spend so much time with work colleagues that it's nice when you get along. If you have lots of work to do, just sing happy birthday, grab some cake and go back to your desk.

 

[zoebartlett]

I know you said you don't like your co-workers but socializing with them occasionally is a good way to get to know them better. Maybe you'd find that you like them more or at least have a few things in common if you go to these celebrations.