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Birthday Blues

Sparkle - my husband is trying really hard right now - this doesn''t come naturally to him... I don''t know if I''m really up for a big party of his coworkers! lol I told him I want to switch mother''s day and father''s day so I can show him by example lol I''m not kidding! I have full confidence he can remember for one month that which 11 months is too long... lol

My husband is very good at the little things and shows me he appreciates me and enjoys me by all kinds of goofy things like dancing with me in the kitchen while I''m trying to cook... does that make him a big picture guy or a detail guy?
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Oh Sara

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Other posters have offered great advice so I will leave that to them. I just wanted to offer a little solidarity in that, like many others I have a wonderful husband who is not the surprise gift/party throwing giving type either.

If I want something I normally have to do it myself. I turned 40 on Dec 30th 2009. I researched my gift for nearly a year before buying (myself, albeit he paid for it in the end) my diamond bracelet. I bought it in September and put it away in a drawer.

On my actual birthday, when getting ready to go out for drinks with DH, no one else, no cakes, nothing, I took it out of the drawer and put it on. I didn't show my in laws who were here for a month :-0 ) as I also felt they would disapprove of my expensive gift.

To make matters worse he never even noticed I had it on until I pointed it out.

I could have been mad, I would have had good reason, but I wasn't. He let me have what I wanted, he let me do it the way I wanted and didn't force me to participate in something that was not me or my style.

So I made up for it by going out for a very simple lunch, in January with 2 of my closest friends and had a riotous few hours. That was enough for me. Oh and they waxed lyrical about my new sparkly. So it ended well.

Do something that makes you happy, not necessarily on the big day, but mark it, when it is appropriate to you in a manner that is appropriate to you.

Happy Birthday for when it comes!!!
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We could do an interactive party online if you want!!!
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We would be sure to cheer you up and say the right things!!!
 
Thank you Haven, you give me hope :) Sort of! haha my father was horrible too... I remember before my parents divorced he took me to get her something ON their anniversary... so we walked down the street and he got her some flowers, a danish from the bakery we ALWAYS got them from... and a toothbrush. A toothbrush? Good lord!! My husband has never been that bad lol
 
Kenny - I''ve been reading over your post and I don''t think I understand it. I am one of the most authentic people I know and I kinda feel you''re preaching to the choir about being the same inside and out - we''ve talked about this before and I''ve always been a little like this but definitely approaching 40 has cemented it. I am happier in my skin than ever...
... so I''m not sure where the disconnect you see is? You may be right on one aspect but I don''t see it.

I really like what you wrote, whether I know it or not, whether I''ve mastered it or not (maybe I haven''t mastered it entirely lol) it''s always a good reminder and I deeply appreciate being able to read that. Thank you :)

now about the disconnect... can you explain further?
 
Rachel - what is rum butter cake? it sounds like heaven!! is this a secret or sharable recipe??

I''ve been "planning" our 25th anniversary since we got married... I got extra napkins and have been moving them around the country for 19 years lol I just don''t know if I can wait another 6 years for my eternity band!!!!
 
RaiKai - thank you for your thoughtful post :)

regarding the telling him a week in advance of the mother''s day card - I told him WEEKS in advance lol He is very compartmentalized - that might be part of it lol

but I don''t want to reply in a downer way - I guess I don''t like being the center of attention when it feels imposed or staged. I didn''t like getting married either... but I don''t mind telling a large group a story or whatever.

Moving away from america the last year and a half has been so eye opening... I have changed more than I have in years and yet accepted more of myself. Very deep changes about how I view cultural heirarchy and cultures and spirituality and even how to perceive reality. The chinese especially - they just see everything fundamentally in a different way.

Anyway - thanks :) I''ve read a few of your threads and posts and you have a lot of admirable qualities!
 
Thanks Yssie, Kaleigh, and DF - and yssie yes it is a perfect water drop! I guess it looks like a teardrop lol But who''s crying now? lol
 
Susan - thank you :) My husband kept asking what I wanted for my birthday... did I want to go on a trip etc. I told him I wanted jewelry lol I kept telling him it didn''t matter... but I was wrong. To clarify it didn''t matter to me what he did but I wanted it to come from him. I just really hate inviting people!!!!! I think that''s the biggest issue here for me.
 
happy birthday soon-to-be 40 cehra!!

hope the party is great!

my approach to guys has always been to tell them what i want, as clearly as possible, so i''m not good with the subtle hints. i think that''s a bit of a mannish point of view to take.

however my other half is the exact opposite and always wants to be surprised with the perfect gift
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we got a bit of a role reversal situation going on!
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Well I sat down with my husband and a list of about 15 people I might possibly want to invite and there were really only 2 names on the list I felt comfortable inviting (because I am evidently flawed in this area and will have to further examine it) and I already texted them and one couldn''t come so my husband said no problem, 45 engineers. I had to put the breaks on that.

So we''re going to Xian. I''ll bake myself a cake while dh and his dad are in beijing next week and spontaneously invite some girls over to eat it... that''ll take the pressure off :)
 
Cehra: I am really sorry that you are having the birthday blues. Your plan sounds great! By taking the celebration into your own hands, the pressure is definitely off. Not sure of the time difference between here and China...is it Monday there yet? If so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
 
That''s sweet :) I still have another week though! May 31 :) My husband is much better at planning vacations than parties... it took a bit for me to get him to stop asking me questions and telling me how much things cost, but he did let slip I''m going to a traditional chinese opera (among other things) should be interesting!
 
Ooops!! I was a week too soon. Well it sounds like your DH is trying to plan something special. I am sure everything will work out just fine.
 
Hi Cehra,
Glad you''re having a good adventure in China! Love what you said about "taking the pressure off". I think that''s the THEME of 40+
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. Low key cake with the girls on some *other* date in celebration of the big 4-0 sounds like MUCH less pressure and a lovely event you have to know your new acquaintences would enjoy attending. If not all can make it, s''ok -- wasn''t your "real" birthday anyway. You''ll have your memories of whatever you end up doing on "the day" -- and the follow up gathering *also*. Extending yourself in some uncomfortable way (inviting folks when you feel self concious about it) can be a marker of your 40th birthday also.

My story -- I spent about five years promising myself a new puppy for my 40th birthday. This helped me keep the wanting a new puppy all the time feeling focused on a clear end date. That way I wouldn''t have a house full of puppies ... just one more ... THEN. Well, things changed in those five years. I met my DH, I welcomed he and all his things & his two cats into my TINY house, and ... well ... a puppy wasn''t in the cards anymore. So .... I got my ears pierced for the first time @ 40 instead. Something I''d always avoided but kinda wanted but thought "wasn''t me" but WISHED was me. I was skeered but did it anyway. I also asked my DH to take our dog in for a grooming so she''d be, heh, a "new puppy". The haircut wasn''t dramatic enough for the full effect, AND I had to ASK FOR IT. He wouldn''t have thought of it on his own. But all in all it was a nice 40th birthday even though I *in no way* got what I *thought* I wanted.

I guess the point of my example is ... you can make it whatever you want, or whatever you want *next*. The times in life where something happens spontaneously FOR you: can''t be self-planned & rarely happen on your schedule. TV & movies probably make it seem like it happens more often than it really does. And I bet dollars to donuts that most of those "surprised recipients" were WAY more complicit in their "surprises" anyway.
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thank you deco :) That just reminded me that I'm 10 years behind on my year 30 tattoo!!!! lol not sure I want it done here though!!!!!!!

ETA - what you said about not planning things... that's so true.
Silly confession - I have ALWAYS thought it would be great fun to get a pie in the face - like a nice banana cream or something. But there would be NO joy in asking for that so I keep waiting lol God I'm weird!! :)
 
Sara,

I am sorry that you are feeling down. I know how you feel re: birthdays because my partner grew up Jehovah''s Witness and didn''t celebrate birthdays and holidays. I threw him a big 25th birthday party, and 6 months later when it was my turn, I got nothing. I didn''t expect a big party, but I didn''t expect ''nothing'' either. However, I had to learn the hard way that no one is a mindreader, and that if you have a need in a relationship, it is your job to communicate it, and to do it until it is understood. It''s not romantic or glamorous, but you will feel better when your needs are being met. I sat FI down and explained to him the rules of 5''s and 0''s... that any birthday or anniversary that ended in a 5 or 0 was a BIG DEAL, and should be treated as such. Teh ones in between still needed to be recognized, and that a cake and a car were the bare minimum requirements. We talked it out, and he ''got'' it. As a consequence, I am much happier, and he is relieved to not have to deal with a disappointed me. So let your hubby plan that party, and give him a list of people you would love to have there. You might consider that your friends/acquaintances might feel slighted to hear about the big 40th b-day bash that they weren''t invited to.
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If you are as fab IRL as you are on PS, no doubt they are excited to celebrate you! And if you need something from your kids, (ie, mother''s day), please address it with them as well. Being more thoughtful of others is a good skill to teach children at any age...

Best of luck, and I hope things look up for you!

And HAPPY, happy Birthday!!! {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
 
Date: 5/23/2010 5:56:34 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
Thank you Haven, you give me hope :) Sort of! haha my father was horrible too... I remember before my parents divorced he took me to get her something ON their anniversary... so we walked down the street and he got her some flowers, a danish from the bakery we ALWAYS got them from... and a toothbrush. A toothbrush? Good lord!! My husband has never been that bad lol
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A toothbrush? Yikes!

My dad was about the same--I clearly remember waking up one morning when I was in high school and handing over a card and gift to my parents for their anniversary. My dad read the card, thanked me, and then went straight into his office. He came out ten minutes later with a computer-printed anniversary card and a computer printed gift certificate to some store. My mother was not happy.

I do think there is hope! I like to think of these sorts of situations in relationships as moments when we need to self advocate. There''s something we want, we''re not getting it, and (assuming our partner can reasonably provide it) we need to pipe up and advocate for ourselves.

I think wanting some acknowledgment from your nearest and dearest on your birthday and Mother''s Day is a completely normal thing to desire. I don''t see that as putting your happiness into another''s hands at all, I see that as you recognizing something that you would like to get out of your relationships. Life is short. I say let''s make a celebration out of everything we can!

I hope your hubby gets it, and you find that you''re not doing the inviting for the next time around! From my experience, it''s amazing what a little bit of clear, direct communication can accomplish.
 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARA......HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS SPECIAL AS YOU ARE!!!!
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Lori
 
Date: 5/23/2010 2:01:03 PM
Author: trillionaire
Sara,


I am sorry that you are feeling down. I know how you feel re: birthdays because my partner grew up Jehovah's Witness and didn't celebrate birthdays and holidays. I threw him a big 25th birthday party, and 6 months later when it was my turn, I got nothing. I didn't expect a big party, but I didn't expect 'nothing' either. However, I had to learn the hard way that no one is a mindreader, and that if you have a need in a relationship, it is your job to communicate it, and to do it until it is understood. It's not romantic or glamorous, but you will feel better when your needs are being met. I sat FI down and explained to him the rules of 5's and 0's... that any birthday or anniversary that ended in a 5 or 0 was a BIG DEAL, and should be treated as such. Teh ones in between still needed to be recognized, and that a cake and a car were the bare minimum requirements. We talked it out, and he 'got' it. As a consequence, I am much happier, and he is relieved to not have to deal with a disappointed me. So let your hubby plan that party, and give him a list of people you would love to have there. You might consider that your friends/acquaintances might feel slighted to hear about the big 40th b-day bash that they weren't invited to.
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If you are as fab IRL as you are on PS, no doubt they are excited to celebrate you! And if you need something from your kids, (ie, mother's day), please address it with them as well. Being more thoughtful of others is a good skill to teach children at any age...


Best of luck, and I hope things look up for you!


And HAPPY, happy Birthday!!! {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
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Trill - that was a really nice post :) When dh and I first got married I told him I wanted a new ring for every year on our anniversary. But after year 5 I left him off the hook and told him every 5 years lol I like your idea of putting down the bare minimum. I think that will help him.

Maybe I can arrange something at a bar somewhere.... I'll have to think about it. The pressure of having a party here was too much.

ETA I agree the kids could be sat down and have a good conversation with... I think I take it for granted that the example I've set is enough.... I think they need a gentle lecture!

Also - Lori and Haven - thank you :)
 
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