LiW Big Downer..

[*RubyRN*]

Well, I had thought that the engagement would be coming soon.

We agreed on a budget for a ring, and I basically found what I want. BF had the money saved up and I was just getting ready to tell him I had made a ring decision. HOWEVER, today he let me know that he "can''t spend the money for the ring yet". I don''t quite get this because I am 90% sure that he has plenty more than what my ring will cost in his savings account. So now I''m worrying, has there recently been some kind of huge financial set-back that I somehow don''t know about

? I do know he recently had some fairly large medical bills that came up unexpectedly, but not enough to cause a huge problem as he is VERY responsible and financially stable. Then when I asked him about it he told me he thinks he would be much more comfortable saving a little bit more(we also want to move out of our current house and into a new one sometime in the next 2 years) and not getting engaged for UP TO A YEAR

. I probably shouldn''t be so upset because this was the original plan (that we''d be engaged by summer 200, but I got my hopes up for something sooner. After over 6 years, one more won''t kill me, and he''s probably right that we''d be smarter saving some more money first, but I''m dying here!!

Encouraging words encouraged

 

[DMBsGirl]

So sorry to hear about this! Would you and him be ok with you chipping in for the ring? That would help speed up the process.

 

[*RubyRN*]

DMBsgirl- Thanks I actually suggested that, and he says he''ll think about it (but I doubt he''ll go for it as he knows I have huge student loans I have just started paying back). At this point I''m trying to just accept that I''ll have to wait

some more.

P.S. Congrats on your impending (hopefully soon) engagement

 

[mimzy]

don''t get discouraged!

Maybe you could let him know that you fully appreciate and understand his desire to be as *comfortable* as possible, but let him know that getting engaged/married is a top priority for you, one that shouldn''t be ignored. it isn''t unreasonable to request a bit more dialog, sense you two seems like smart, sensible people

it''s nice to be comfortable, but money isn''t the ultimate insurance. there are so many more important things (like marriage!) that shouldn''t be sacrificed (unless neither person considers it a sacrifice). be honest with him that you would rather get engaged/married than get into a new house six months sooner. after all, how much of a difference is it going to make if you save before the wedding or after it? of course i don''t know the whole story, but it doesn''t sound like it would be an irresponsible decision for you to get engaged! people can always be *more* comfortable....that is a never ending uphill climb that can go on for years and years. the question should be whether or not you have enough.

or maybe it is all a fluke and he is overreacting to some unexpected/big financial obligation like the bills. if that is the case then i bet it will blow over in the next few weeks and you won''t have to wait that long!

either way, definitely talk to him more about it. i hope you get the answers you want!

 

[iheartscience]

I agree with mimzy-if *you* want to get engaged sooner and you know he can afford a ring, you should tell him just that and in my opinion he should listen. Your opinion counts just as much as his because when to get married is just as much your decision as it is his.

 

[Stardust]

This is exactly what my BF did right before he proposed. I had narrowed it down to 3 or rings but there was one my heart was set on and it was way under the budget we had set for the ring. So one night I''m talking about the ring and he says, "I''m so sorry, I know you love it, but I just can''t afford it right now." Um, what? It''s under budget and there was money in the bank. Worried me silly.

Apparently the reason that he "couldn''t afford it" was because he''d already bought it. Then, according to him, it technically wasn''t a lie.

Hopefully your bf is doing the same thing to you. If not, sorry to get your hopes up.

 

[monarch64]

My first thought was that he''s already made some sort of purchase (stone and/or setting) and is trying to fool you...or am I reading your post entirely wrong?

If I am, and he has had some unexpected bills and he wants to save a while longer, I (hypothetically) would just tell him what others have suggested as far as chipping in to buy your ring, or doing something on a smaller scale for now and upgrading later so as not to offset the wedding plans...best of luck to you!

 

[gwendolyn]

I'm a little confused. Can't you be engaged for a longer time than you planned, and save up for a wedding while you're engaged? Or were those medical bills more money than he's letting on/expected? That's happened to me before, and took a SERIOUS chunk out of my savings.

 

[Independent Gal]

Could your guy be stalling? I agree with the others who said you should make clear that being engaged and getting married are priorities for YOU right now. If he''s stalling, I''d want to find out why. The financial reasons seem a bit wonky unless he wants to get you a bigger ring (and you can tell him if that''s not important to you... or if you could just upgrade). If you already live together and are financially stable together, then what''s the difference (money wise) if you get engaged or married?

Ask him for a temp ring.

Find out if he''s stalling and you''re not actually on the same page. Is he eager for marriage? Stalling might mean there''s something you have to talk through.

 

[bee*]

Date: 9/6/2007 8:16:58 AM
Author: Independent Gal
Could your guy be stalling? I agree with the others who said you should make clear that being engaged and getting married are priorities for YOU right now. If he''s stalling, I''d want to find out why. The financial reasons seem a bit wonky unless he wants to get you a bigger ring (and you can tell him if that''s not important to you... or if you could just upgrade). If you already live together and are financially stable together, then what''s the difference (money wise) if you get engaged or married?


Ask him for a temp ring.


Find out if he''s stalling and you''re not actually on the same page. Is he eager for marriage? Stalling might mean there''s something you have to talk through.

I totally agree with this!
Talk to him and make sure that it''s definitely just financial issues

 

[*RubyRN*]

Ladies--

Thanks so much for your thoughts on my situation. We talked some more about everything, and sadly there is no ring already purchased (but I figured that wasn''t the case because he''s not very good at keeping a secret) like some of you had thought

. Gwendolyn- you were right on when you said that your medical bills took a serious chunk out of your savings-- I won''t say how much, but it was a lot more than I realized. I do not feel at all that this is a question of stalling, I just think he wants to get me the ring I want the first time around and be able to afford it without going into debt ( I don''t blame him there). I am feeling a lot better about the whole thing because for sentimental reasons, I would really rather keep my original ring forever without upgrading (not that I think there''s anything wrong with it), so I really want it to be exactly what I want. Of course I would be happy if he proposed w/o a ring or with a stand-in, but I think it will be worth it to wait until he has the ring and everything is just right. I''ll keep you all posted and thanks again for the support.

 

[lsyama]

I''m glad you were able to talk it out with him.
Medical bills really can be amazingly large (I just had emergency surgery earlier this year, and GEEZ! even with insurance!)
Hope your bf is in good health now

, and hope he''s a fast saver!

 

[Stephanie]

Ruby,

I think that it''s great that you are taking your financial futures into consideration while you talk about your impending engagment. I think that sometimes people don''t think about the things that you want to accomplish outside of getting engaged (like purchasing another house.. ) And I am all about you wanting to pick the right ring! I love the tradition of keeping your original ring (my mother had never let my father update her ring (.25 ct), even after he offered a two carat to her.) A year can fly by, and it''s a year at most! The summer is almost over already..

 

[Patchee]

Not sure why he is back down on this? From OK let''s do it to the everydau excuse of I have no money? Something''s up? I hope not for your sake but to have false hopes and to wait any longer is just not fair.