Home Balancing all parts of your life

[zoebartlett]

For those of you who have kids, how on earth do you find balance in your life? Were there any plans you and your SO had before having kids that you had to put on hold because kids came along? If so, how did you feel about that?

My husband and I are thinking of trying to start a family in a year or so (I''m almost 35 and he''s almost 36.5). We''re putting it off for a few personal reasons, and aside from those reasons, we keep talking about wanting to travel, purchase a home, etc. It''s like we''re thinking "yes, we want a family, but we also want to do X, Y, and Z." I don''t know how it will sound to admit this, but I''m wondering if there''s a *tiny* part of us that will resent having to put off travel plans (not that we have any, but we''ve talked about where we''d like to go someday).

I know that for many people, the benefits of having kids far outweigh any plans a couple may have had before kids came into the picture. For others, they purposely decided not to have kids because they never felt ready to leave behind their "selfish" ways of life. I say "selfish" because that''s how it''s been presented to me -- NOT that I think it''s selfish to remain a couple and not have kids. I think it would be selfish to have kids for the wrong reasons.

I''m curious to see how others balance work (especially FT work), family, and maintain interests/personal lives. I''m having trouble at times keeping up with work responsibilities and home responsibilities and we don''t have kids yet. How do you do it?

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Zoe - I was on the fence for a long time about starting a family and then it just clicked - there will never be enough time or money for everything. Having children, like marriage, takes some sacrifice and compromise. I''m still on maternity leave through September but will have to return to work at least part-time and my husband works full time + at his "regular" job and then works part-time at a second job on the weekends. We have wonderful families and friends that are more than willing to help with childcare and anything else we might need. We have a lot of faith and know that it will all work out in the end. Good luck to you and your future family!

Diva

 

[Independent Gal]

Zozo, it''s true that you can''t have everything in your life exactly the way you want it. And it''s true that certain aspects of having kids become much easier if you have family around who are willing to help, or you have "extra" money to cover the cost of daycare or a nanny.

If you don''t have those things, you can make it work, but yes it will involve sacrifices!

As for travel, I don''t know where people get the idea that you can''t travel if you have children. Sure, you can''t up and decide to go to the jungles of Peru on a whim any old time you like, but it sounds like you two aren''t the sort who do things on a whim that way anyway.

When our babies are born, if we don''t travel with them, we will never see our families. International flights are chock full of babies and children. It''s totally do-able. Of course, taking them on a proper ''holiday'' would probably be no fun for anyone after they are 1 and before they are 6 or so. But that gives you, at minimum, two years to take one or two of those trips you want to take before they''re too old to cart along. And YES, you can travel while pregnant! Kay just had a trip to France with bebe on board.

While our kiddos are between 1 & 6 (maybe more like 2 & 6), our plan is to leave them with the grandparents once a year so that we can travel on our own, while giving the grandparents some time with them.

Would your parents be willing to do that for you?

I guess the bottom line is this: if you WANT to travel and you WANT to have kids, you''ll find a way to make it work. Sure, it may take a little creativity and some advance planning, but it can definitely be done.

I don''t mean to scare ya, but between 35 and 40 is really your last chance in the kids department, and after 35, you''re already playing roulette. And each year it will get exponentially less and less likely that you''ll be able to conceive without expensive and painful treatments, if at all. And it will get more and more likely that you''ll have miscarriages, and that your pregnancy, your health, your babies health will be put in danger.

It is no joke. Just ask Lisa over on the prego board. So if you really think you guys are going to want kids, and especially if you want more than one, you don''t have time to mess around.

YES, we all know someone who had a healthy baby without intervention at 42. But I''ll betcha we all know about 5 woman who weren''t able to. You have to decide if those are odds you''re willing to take.

Sorry if that sounds scary. But I really don''t think your desire to travel has to interfere with your desire for kids! Plenty of families travel with their kids, or just leave them at grandma''s.

The trick is to just decide, FIRMLY, that you WILL travel, come he!! or high water. And then just do it.

But if you think you want kids, don''t wait too long or the chances are good you''ll regret it.

 

[neatfreak]

Zoe, I agree that there is never a perfect time. We just decided to jump in with both feet because it seemed like the best idea at the time.

And I travelled heavily growing up for sure. Of course the trips we took when I was between the ages of 2-8 or so were more kid friendly than many my parents had taken, but we still travelled almost every year internationally for vacation. And only ONE of these trips involved Disney/theme park anything, and that was only for a day. So it never stopped my parents from having fun!

My DH and I have each travelled quite a bit separately, but not a ton together. But we will. I think part of the fun of being a parent is showing your kids the world, so I really hope we get the chance to take our boys all around with us!

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 8/29/2008 12:46:04 PM
Author: neatfreak
Zoe, I agree that there is never a perfect time. We just decided to jump in with both feet because it seemed like the best idea at the time.


And I travelled heavily growing up for sure. Of course the trips we took when I was between the ages of 2-8 or so were more kid friendly than many my parents had taken, but we still travelled almost every year internationally for vacation. And only ONE of these trips involved Disney/theme park anything, and that was only for a day. So it never stopped my parents from having fun!


My DH and I have each travelled quite a bit separately, but not a ton together. But we will. I think part of the fun of being a parent is showing your kids the world, so I really hope we get the chance to take our boys all around with us!

SEEEEEE??

Nothing is stopping you but you!!!! You can do it if you really want to.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Not sure there is ever a perfect balance. Yes you can travel with kids but it is hard (just wait and see *evil grin*). At least the traveling I have done with my baby. We are forced to b/c our families live in different states but it is difficult at times. DD has been on countless road trips and 12 flights) And DH and I don''t have nearly enough alone time. Life''s different but I wouldn''t say worse. It is hard. Like I said in princesss'' thread (there is a lot of these lately

) She is our *everything*. And if it means sacrifices now that''s fine with us. The good out weighs the bad.

 

[zoebartlett]

Sorry to post and run the other night, but I have time now to reply. Thanks for your thoughts!

DD -- I read your thread a while ago on your question about whether to move in with your inlaws or not -- what did you decide?

Indy, I''m one of those people who don''t understand why people feel that they can''t travel once they have kids. Maybe I should have clarified earlier-- I meant financially, how do you do it once kids come into the picture? Save, save, save I suppose. Man, I''m in WRONG profession.

I truly believe in having kids experience life from several angles. I grew up in a very small New England town, and most of NE isn''t known for its diverse population -- especially in my neck of the woods. While I love my hometown, I can see now because I''m older that there''s so much more to experience than my little bubble where everyone drives an SUV and many people have more than one home. I spent a summer in high school living in another country, and two years later, I traveled to a different country on a school trip. It was on those trips that I caught the travel bug. Unfortunately, I''m not in a position where I can do that as often (time wise or financially) anymore. Once in a great while my husband and I go somewhere but not as often as we''d like. Sorry to ramble, but yeah, I definitely see the value in giving kids as much exposure to a different part of the country and different cultures as much as possible. It makes for a more well-rounded individual, and that''s something we think is important.

You had also asked about whether our parents could help out. Yes -- we''re lucky in that we live about 20-25 minutes from my parents and about 45 minutes-1 hour from my husband''s family. My dad''s retiring right after Christmas this year, and my mom will follow in a few years, probably. My husband''s parents are retired, so both sets of parents would be happy to help out when needed.

Believe me, I''m well aware of our ages and how that may indeed hinder our chances of having kids. If I could turn back the clock, I would. Like I said earlier, there are a few reasons why we''re waiting, but hopefully it won''t be too much of a wait. While our chances may be narrowing, at least we feel younger than we are.

 

[zoebartlett]

Thanks for your thoughts Neatfreak and Tacori! NF -- I''m so happy for you -- twins! Tacori -- Tessa is beautiful, and I enjoy lurking in the mommies thread to catch up on how everyone''s doing.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I don't know the exact state of your finances, but why not plan and book a trip now? I am just off the pill and TTC, but I needed to go to France for one last hurrah last month before I could wrap my brain around the life change I was trying to make.

Then, while I was in France, I decided that our next life goal is to buy a flat in Paris. No, we can't afford it now, and no I can't speak French yet (DH is fluent, which is why we go there so often), but I know we will do it. Having a base there will make traveling with kids so much easier, but really it's all about having our own little corner in the most beautiful city in the world (IMO). DH is a financial advisor and can do a lot over the phone and I'll be a SAHM, so I figure we'll be able to be there holidays and almost the whole summer.

Speaking of phones, we switched to AT&T for our cell phones last year because they had the only Blackberry DH's work supported. I remembered that there was a Europe plan, but we hadn't signed up for it. DH kept using his phone in Paris, and I was freaking out, remembering the time I used my parents' calling card to call him from Europe in college and the bill was hundreds of dollars.

Anyway . . . without the plan, the overage was only $28, and because DH called them to inquire about the charges to ease my mind, they said, oh ok, we'll forgive all the charges. I was imagining a $500 bill and would have been happy to pay the $28. The world is changing a lot!

OK, sorry, I am way off topic. The point is, I understand needing to accomplish goals before committing to a life change. If you plan now for a trip this winter or next summer, then you'll have that to look forward to, and it will be a concrete marker of when you will begin TTC.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 8/30/2008 6:28:25 AM
Author: ZoeBartlett
Sorry to post and run the other night, but I have time now to reply. Thanks for your thoughts!

DD -- I read your thread a while ago on your question about whether to move in with your inlaws or not -- what did you decide?

Indy, I''m one of those people who don''t understand why people feel that they can''t travel once they have kids. Maybe I should have clarified earlier-- I meant financially, how do you do it once kids come into the picture? Save, save, save I suppose. Man, I''m in WRONG profession.

I truly believe in having kids experience life from several angles. I grew up in a very small New England town, and most of NE isn''t known for its diverse population -- especially in my neck of the woods. While I love my hometown, I can see now because I''m older that there''s so much more to experience than my little bubble where everyone drives an SUV and many people have more than one home. I spent a summer in high school living in another country, and two years later, I traveled to a different country on a school trip. It was on those trips that I caught the travel bug. Unfortunately, I''m not in a position where I can do that as often (time wise or financially) anymore. Once in a great while my husband and I go somewhere but not as often as we''d like. Sorry to ramble, but yeah, I definitely see the value in giving kids as much exposure to a different part of the country and different cultures as much as possible. It makes for a more well-rounded individual, and that''s something we think is important.

You had also asked about whether our parents could help out. Yes -- we''re lucky in that we live about 20-25 minutes from my parents and about 45 minutes-1 hour from my husband''s family. My dad''s retiring right after Christmas this year, and my mom will follow in a few years, probably. My husband''s parents are retired, so both sets of parents would be happy to help out when needed.

Believe me, I''m well aware of our ages and how that may indeed hinder our chances of having kids. If I could turn back the clock, I would. Like I said earlier, there are a few reasons why we''re waiting, but hopefully it won''t be too much of a wait. While our chances may be narrowing, at least we feel younger than we are.

We are moving. It was a really hard choice, but in the end it will be the best for us. I also got another 6 weeks of maternity leave and we''ll be moved and settled by then so hopefully things will smooth out soon.

You do save when you have kids - better yet, start saving before you have them! They are expensive, but a baby is not going to care if he or she is wearing hand-me-downs or Baby Prada. You cut corners where you can and it all works out.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Zoe - when I was young, my parents went on fabulous vacations to the Bahamas, Hawaii, and Mexico. They'd save up for trips and then after doing so, they'd dump me off with a relative and have a blast in some far off destination.

When you have kids, you may find yourself becoming a home-body; just wanting to be around your family and the comforts of home and a changing table! As your kids get older, you'll want to escape from them (kids = chaos), so the goal would be to save money when they're young and then travel WITHOUT them when you're older.

The most expensive vacation DH and I took last year was to California and we took the kids with us and spent eight days visiting Disneyland, legoland, seaworld, etc., so, for all you know, you're priorities will change, like my husband's and mine did, and your vacations will be family ones and you'll find those trips to be the best ones ever.

Oh, and IG mentioned leaving the kids with the grandparents for trips for the two of you. Excellent suggestion. This is what DH and I do every anniversary!