Wedding Bachelorette Party Question

[Clairitek]

Brides- I am in a weird situation and am not quite sure how to handle it.

I was recently invited to a bachelorette party- but not by the bride. One day an email just appeared in my inbox from an email address I just didn''t even recognize. I opened it anyways because it said something like "Sarahs Bachelorette Party!" but I know many Sarah''s so I thought that maybe it was one of a few I know. Anyways I realized that I had been included on this group email late in the game and after reading back through the older emails attached to the forwarded one I realized that someone else- NOT THE BRIDE- had added me to the guest list. Now, I know the bride and her fiance but not really past a superficial/acquaintance stage. I know that I am not invited to their wedding, heck, I don''t even know when it is! I do know that it will be small, and even if it had been bigger I don''t feel as though I was close enough to receive an invitation. This fact doesn''t bother me in the least. I think that the person who added me to the list was asked by the MOH (who isn''t familiar with the bride''s friends at her graduate school where I also attend) to tack on anyone whom she might have missed. I don''t think that the MOH has a CLUE who I am or that I am most likely NOT invited to the wedding.

My questions to everyone are:

1) Brides- when you had your bachelorette party were there people in attendance who were NOT invited to your wedding (provided you had a wedding that wasn''t a DW or really small- just your closest friends and family).
2) If you were in my situation would you attend the party?
3) If you think I should attend do you think that the bride would feel bad about my presence (since I am clearly not invited to the wedding)? I don''t want to make her uncomfortable on her fun night.

Thanks for your input.

 

[marchswallowbird]

I can''t answer #1, but how do YOU feel about it? Do you want to go to the party? If so, perhaps you can talk to the bride at some point and say something like "I had such fun tonite, I hope you have a beautiful wedding." Or something that lets her know you are comfortable with not being invited to the wedding (assuming, of course, that this is the case!).

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 8/28/2008 8:05:37 PM
Author: marchswallowbird
I can''t answer #1, but how do YOU feel about it? Do you want to go to the party? If so, perhaps you can talk to the bride at some point and say something like ''I had such fun tonite, I hope you have a beautiful wedding.'' Or something that lets her know you are comfortable with not being invited to the wedding (assuming, of course, that this is the case!).

I wouldn''t mind going but I really don''t want to make her wonder if I am under the impression that I will be invited to her wedding. I am positive that the wedding is within the next two months because any previous questions like "How is the wedding planning coming?" have been answered with some sort of response relating to how small the wedding will be. I was also not invited to her bridal shower so I''m 100% positive I will not be receiving an invite.

Thank you Marchswallowbird- That is a great suggestion of something to say to her at the party if I decide to attend. It would be a very simple way to let her know that I''m not under any wrong impressions about her wedding day.

 

[Izzy03]

I think I would feel uncomfortable attending the party if the I barely know the bride. Does she know that you were invited?

 

[musey]

Date: 8/28/2008 6:53:31 PM
Author:Clairitek
1) Brides- when you had your bachelorette party were there people in attendance who were NOT invited to your wedding (provided you had a wedding that wasn't a DW or really small- just your closest friends and family).

Mine is this weekend--and I sure as heck hope not!! But it's a 4-day getaway with friends in Vegas, so I think it would be hard for random people to have snuck their way in

For the record, I would never invite anyone to my bachelorette party that wasn't invited to the wedding. We're partying with our closest-of-close friends this weekend, and of course those people are invited to the wedding.

2) If you were in my situation would you attend the party?

Absolutely not. No, no, no. It will just make the bride feel awkward, confused, and probably guilted into inviting you to her wedding.

If you think I should attend do you think that the bride would feel bad about my presence (since I am clearly not invited to the wedding)? I don't want to make her uncomfortable on her fun night.

See above.


It seems like an honest mistake. Maybe contact the MOH or whoever added you in to let them know the situation... or just don't go.

Good for you for realizing that it was a mistake, and not just saying "Ooh, party!" and showing up

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 8/28/2008 9:13:00 PM
Author: Izzy03
I think I would feel uncomfortable attending the party if the I barely know the bride. Does she know that you were invited?

She is aware that a party is being planned. She was the one who supplied some dates that would work for her. I am not positive she has seen the emails relating to the planning.

I guess I wouldn''t say that I "barely" know her. I guess I didn''t really explain too well. We are in the same circle of friends and I have been to parties at her house and out to dinner/drinks in groups. We also played on the same softball team together (along with her FI) last summer. Though I wouldn''t say that she is someone I would call to hang out with when I''m bored or want to go shopping. So maybe acquaintance isn''t the way to describe my relationship with her in my OP- more like casual friend.

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 8/28/2008 9:21:01 PM
Author: musey

2) If you were in my situation would you attend the party?

Absolutely not. No, no, no. It will just make the bride feel awkward, confused, and probably guilted into inviting you to her wedding.

This is my absolute CHIEF concern with this whole thing. I realllly don''t want to make her feel uncomfortable or have her feel obligated to send me an invite after the party.

Musey your post has pretty much confirmed what I''m worried about. I just wanted to hear it from someone on the other side of this whole thing. I''m not really sure how I''d feel about this if it were my party but I am not willing to risk any weird situations. I think that I will probably just tell the MOH that I am busy during the available dates and no one will be the wiser.

 

[musey]

I hope I didn''t make you feel bad, I was just imagining how I would feel.

This bride may be very different from me, though... I really made sure that everyone who I *wanted* to be involved, is. So I really care about who is (and isn''t) there for each thing. I''m not in any way suggesting that she wouldn''t want you around, just that the fact that you''re not invited to the wedding is a recipe for awkwardness!

I think you''re doing the right thing by politely declining.

 

[diamondfan]

I would not. If I am not close to her and not close enough to be invited to the wedding I think I would feel a bit funky and I would decline. But that is just me, if you know enough of her friends and think it would be fun I might go if I were free...

 

[miraclesrule]

My first instinct would be to ask the person who sent the email to you if she accidently "misfired" the email. We have all done that at some point in time. Just last week our controller sent me some data I needed for a report to my home email. This happened because I had sent her the "Yeah She''s Married" email about my daughter with some pictures while I was still off work.

It may be just as uncomfortable for them if they got the wrong girl.

If it were me, I would simply reply, not a "reply all", but just to the person who sent it, and say "I''m a little confused, do you mean for this email to come to me?" with a little smailey face or something.

I guess I would just worry that if they accidently sent you the email, but didn''t mean to do so, they may be just as embarrassed and wondering what to do as you seem to be.

Just my two cents.

 

[Haven]

This sounds like one of those things that varies regionally. Around here, we all invite a ton of ladies out to other girls'' bachelorette parties because we know that the more ladies, the better! There were a lot of girls at my bachelorette party that weren''t invited to the wedding, and it was totally fine. BUT, that''s how we all do it.
They''re all a total blast, too, by the way.

If it doesn''t sound like the bride opened up the guest list to friends of friends, then I wouldn''t attend. But if it''s a case of the more the merrier, I wouldn''t miss it!

 

[musey]

Haven, that''s so interesting! I guess I just think of it the same as any other wedding-related party (shower, engagement party, etc.)... is this the exception to the rule, as far as the whole no-one-invited-to-XYZ-shouldn''t-be-invited-to-the-wedding?

Gosh I don''t even know then. It''s sounds so strange to me--to be invited to a pre-wedding festivity but not the wedding itself! But then like I said, I think of the wedding being the all-inclusive bash, where the pre-wedding stuff is much more ''exclusive.''

 

[kittybean]

Hmm, I have to go with Musey''s feeling here--it''s kind of odd to go to a bachelorette party if you won''t be invited to the wedding, unless the wedding is a destination wedding or very small affair. I know that, at my bachelorette party, I only want to have my closest friends, i.e. just the wedding party and a few other girls. The guest lists at all of the bachelorette parties I know of have been similar. If I were in your shoes, Claritek, I would politely decline the invitation and save the bride the potential awkwardness.

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 8/28/2008 10:34:15 PM
Author: musey
I hope I didn''t make you feel bad, I was just imagining how I would feel.
...
I think you''re doing the right thing by politely declining.

Musey- You didn''t make me feel bad AT ALL. I am in agreement with you.

Date: 8/28/2008 11:15:53 PM
Author: Haven
This sounds like one of those things that varies regionally. Around here, we all invite a ton of ladies out to other girls'' bachelorette parties because we know that the more ladies, the better! There were a lot of girls at my bachelorette party that weren''t invited to the wedding, and it was totally fine. BUT, that''s how we all do it.

This was the response that I thought might show up on this thread. Its just that my experience with bachelorette parties is VERY minimal so I wasn''t sure which was the norm as far as bachelorette party guest lists go.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I think that I will go with my initial feeling that this could result in some awkwardness and just politely decline the invitation. It helps to hear that there are others that agree that this is a bit of a strange occurrence.

 

[Haven]

Date: 8/29/2008 12:30:01 AM
Author: musey
Haven, that''s so interesting! I guess I just think of it the same as any other wedding-related party (shower, engagement party, etc.)... is this the exception to the rule, as far as the whole no-one-invited-to-XYZ-shouldn''t-be-invited-to-the-wedding?

Gosh I don''t even know then. It''s sounds so strange to me--to be invited to a pre-wedding festivity but not the wedding itself! But then like I said, I think of the wedding being the all-inclusive bash, where the pre-wedding stuff is much more ''exclusive.''

I don''t know about any rules regarding bachelorette parties because they are a very modern invention. All I know is that in my social circle (and those that are tangentially connected to mine, I guess!) we look at the bachelorette party as one big night out for anyone who is interested in coming. I''ve been to many bachelorette parties for girls I barely know, and even some I didn''t know at all. The weddings have all been formal, but the bach parties are not even close.

Interesting.