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b.anna

Shiny_Rock
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hi all - just as an update (not sure how many ppl were keeping track of my previous thread), i''ve decided to move out. things are pretty much at a stalemate now, and even though we keep talking, it''s not going anywhere. neither of us are happy and i can''t help but think that he is hoping i will just get over this and forget about the whole thing. that is definitely not happening.


i''ve talked to friends and family, and everyone who has contributed to this thread have given me some amazing advice. you are all absolutely right - i will never be able to change him. i don''t feel ok with just settling and i know if i go back to school next year, things will only get worse between us.

i have been feeling really divided these past weeks. i feel selfish in so many ways because i know it will hurt him when i love him with all my heart. but at the same time, it just isn''t worth it for either of us to be in a relationship that is not completely fulfilling.

at this point i don''t even know how to tell friends and family. we had an engagement party and now i will get to send out thank you notes saying something along the lines of "thanks for coming, but...." big sigh. not to mention moving and changing my address which is a huge headache and dealing with the awkwardness of this whole mess.

i know relationships are hard, but i know that it should not be this hard. and i refuse to fight for something that just feels unnatural now. i really felt like my year off of school was going to be smooth sailing but now there are lots of things up in the air.

gah! i guess it was better to realize all this stuff before being married and/or in school again. thanks for all the advice here ladies, i would be so much worse off if it weren''t for your advice
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I''m sorry you''re hurting right now. I commend your courage for facing the truth and not marrying him with all of the negative feelings going on. It takes a very strong person to do that. I wish you the best of luck in everything. Many, many hugs.
 
Bless your heart. I am very sorry for your circumstances. I applaud you for having the courage to do what is best for you. Down the road, you will realize that this pain prepared you for something else in your life, something wonderful and right for you. I am married almost 23 years, five children, but I truly married the wrong person-wrong for me, anyway. I had a very dysfunctional home life and my dh kind of "rescued" me from that. He is a wonderful provider, loyal, moral, all that, we do share the same values, but we are just not that compatible. He is SUPER quiet and I am a ball of energy. It has caused me so much pain over the years, feeling very alone in my life. I wish someone(or myself) had put the brakes on the big wedding, etc. We were young, and that sounds cliche, but you do learn and grow and learn more about YOU as your life progresses. I wish you the best sweetie, and just know that your happy ending is still out there to be found.
 
I''m sorry you are hurting ((((HUGS)))) I hope you stay around, and I do hope you feel better. Feel free to talk or vent.
 
{{{HUGS}}}

Though it hurts now, you will be better off moving out and thinking about what to do next in your life. You need to be happy for yourself by yourself. It''s good you figured this out now before having a wedding. You''re a strong person to do what you''re doing. Good luck to you.
 
{{{{Big Hugs B.anna}}}} I know this isnt an easy time for you...you are showing a lot of wisdom and courage for a person
of your age. If you need to talk we''er here.
 
***HUGS*** I''m sorry you''re going through such a difficult time
 
I was in your situation years ago...the end of engagement that everyone knows about is like adding insult to injury. Thankfully at the time we separated there was this card out that said "Single" on the cover...and opening it said something cute about picking the wrong guy and giving him the wrong finger. Instead of sending the gifts back, I included a visa gift card...so instead of getting back a gift that they would be stuck with, they got a refund in a more "usable" form.

I am sorry you''re going through this...and the fall out can be time consuming and awkward...but you''ll find lots of support on the other side.

Good luck.
 
Hugs to you just.anna. You have much to look forward to in the future. I''m proud of you for taking the steps to find future happiness. Keep us updated.
 
I''m sorry you''re going thru this anna..even tho it''s for the better, I know it still hurts. Hugs to you!!
 
I''m so glad that you''re doing what you have to do for you.

It''s going to work out just fine, even with all the crap that has to be sorted through, and then you''ll be able to look back on this and just say "phew".

*hugs*
 
I''m so sorry to read this, and wish you the best. I am sure it is difficult now, but in time it should get easier - as it doesn''t seem that he holds a lot of value in what is so important to you, and would rather apologize and brush it under the rug. I wish you all the happiness that you are entitled to and deserve/ you are right, being in a relationship should not be so exhausting - ((HUGE HUGS!))
 
Awww. Anna, I followed your other post, and I''m so sorry you are going through this, but better now than later. I do wish you the best and hope you stick around here. Good luck with your endeavors, and you seem like a strong gal and this ordeal will only make you stronger. *Hugs*
 
I have nothing to offer but (((HUGS))). You''re right, it''s better to find out about this before marriage. You''ll find someone who is right for you!
 
{{{{{Big hugs Anna}}}}}

You are doing the right thing, even though I know it's hard. Just keep reminding yourself that the alternative would be much, much worse - way harder than sending a few thank you notes now! Believe me, people will understand and respect your decision, and you will be proud of yourself for having the strength to do what is right for both of you. We are always here for support!
 
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This makes me soo sad!!!

On the other hand, you get to start over, clean slate.
 
I''m glad to see you''re being so strong and positive through all this. I am sorry it''s hapenning though. It will get better.
 
Sorry Anna.... I hope you are doing ok with this. Please know we are here if you need us!
(((HUGS)))
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Really sorry to hear that. Stay strong and sending hugs.
 
I''m sorry that you''re going through a difficult time anna. Thanks for checking in! I can only imagine what you''re going through but I think you''re right -- it''s better to realize and deal with things now instead of further down the line.
 
aww, thanks so much everyone. i told FI last night that i really needed to be away and bawled for a good 20 minutes. i kind of feeling like i''m moving through a dark tunnel. i''m not sure where the end is or what it''s going to look like. i''m where i am now because i wanted to be with him, and now i sort of feel like i''m left with nothing until i figure out where my life is going. when i think about it that way, i get really sad because i don''t have a lot of support here and i don''t know how to tell everyone around me that things didn''t work out. on the other hand i know my situation is temporary and things will get better with time and the right attitude.

because of all that, i feel really lucky to have found ps. i guess if it weren''t for my engagement, i wouldn''t have found such a great community of smart and supportive people, so i''m sure things do happen for a reason.
 
b.anna...

Just want to say that I am going through something similar. Not the same circumstances but I am definitely reevaluating my relationship. I will say that this experience is soooo much harder when there is a lot of love in the relationship. If love was gone, then decisions could be made much more easily (for me at least). But just because you love someone, and they love you, doesn't mean that the relationship is good.

Anyway, I have very little advice, but you sound like you know what you're doing. I'm following your story very closely (and the stories of a few others here) to see how you cope, incase this becomes my situation soon. I don't want it to, but I have a feeling it just might if things don't improve.

You're not moving through that dark tunnel alone...remember that
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Lots of ((((((hugs)))))) your way

- your fellow red sox fan
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HUGS!

BIG Kudos for having the courage and honest introspection to make the right decision for your long term happiness.

It takes some time to adjust, especially after having spent so long with a person and having to repaint the way you imagine your future. It takes some time to retune all the little thoughts to not automatically include him, and it's definitely not easy. But soon enough, it will sink in again that you are young, beautiful, strong, and smart and the happy directions that your future can take is nothing but exciting!

Take the time you need to take care of yourself, and get the catharsis and closure you want. If what you need right now is to hear him cussed out and made fun of, go find that sarcastic friend that can always make you laugh and tear him to comedic shreds. If you just want to cry all day, grab a bowl of brownie sunday and cuddle up to tear-jerker movies with happy endings for the heroines! We all have our own weird coping strategies (I used to raid the library for good fiction books because I'm a huge dork), so do whatever it is you need to do to find that peace and balance.

And as always, if there's anything we can do to help, just let us know!
 
congratulations for being strong enough to face reality and make a necessary decision.

mz
 
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Here''s a little bit of light for your tunnel. You aren''t alone.

{{HUGS!}}
 
Date: 10/27/2009 11:03:30 AM
Author: Bia
b.anna...

Just want to say that I am going through something similar. Not the same circumstances but I am definitely reevaluating my relationship. I will say that this experience is soooo much harder when there is a lot of love in the relationship. If love was gone, then decisions could be made much more easily (for me at least). But just because you love someone, and they love you, doesn''t mean that the relationship is good.

Anyway, I have very little advice, but you sound like you know what you''re doing. I''m following your story very closely (and the stories of a few others here) to see how you cope, incase this becomes my situation soon. I don''t want it to, but I have a feeling it just might if things don''t improve.

You''re not moving through that dark tunnel alone...remember that
28.gif


Lots of ((((((hugs)))))) your way

- your fellow red sox fan
3.gif
aww, bia, i''m so sorry to hear! it IS really tough when you know the love is strong but also have to face that it''s really not enough. i love him so so much with all my heart, but it had almost served as a blindfold to what was really happening. i tried my hardest to explain this to FI but he didn''t seem to understand. so then i knew i had to do what was right for me.

i do hope things work out with your FI but it''s also so important to realize when you''ve sold yourself short. i never believed anyone who told me that i deserved better and that i could do better. i finally realized that i was just settling for whatever was there and i''m finally ok with just being on my own for a while, and seeing what comes my way. i hope that you can find support in this community like i have, and always share whatever and whenever you feel like!
 
Date: 10/27/2009 12:01:50 PM
Author: tlh
emidea.gif

Here''s a little bit of light for your tunnel. You aren''t alone.

{{HUGS!}}
tlh, that was very cute and sweet of you. i''m sure it''ll get better with time (i hope anyway). i feel so bipolar, going from feeling ok to wanting to cry to actually crying (a little embarassing in the office). anyone have any advice? i really feel like i need some courage to pack without feeling guilty. should i do while FI is around? take a day off? ugh i just hate how it''s so awkward now.
 
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