shape
carat
color
clarity

Home At what lengths would you go to for closure?

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.

Shoopy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 18, 2008
Messages
6,689
Let''s say a friendship has been over for a long time but the person decides that they want to make one last attempt. So you go along with the friendship and everything is pleasant. But one day that person just decides that they don''t want to speak to you anymore. You have no idea what you did and you''re racking your brain trying to figure out what you could have said/done this time that has offended/hurt the other person but cannot figure it out.

You know that the friendship is pretty much over but do you need that closure to just understand what happened?

I''m going through this now and while I think everyone in my life agrees that I''m much better off, it is really tearing me up that I don''t know what happened this time. I have been feeling really down over it even though I have know interest in dealing with this friendship anymore. I''m wondering if maybe this is an ego thing that I just need to grow out of or something...
 
Oh, I''m sorry this happened
7.gif
If I were you, I would just move on and try and focus on the friends/family who are there for you. They are the ones who matter!
2.gif
 
I agree with MC. I''d just let this go and focus on friends and family you enjoy being with. Hugs and good luck.
 
I would need the closure too. I need lots of reassurance in general so I wouldn''t be able to cope with not knowing what happened. If I couldn''t get access to the ex-friend to find out what happened then I''d spend a fair amount with close friends debriefing.
 
It''s probably the opposite of ego. It''s insecurity on your part. If you were ego driven you would already KNOW that it doesn''t matter at all. You are you, and being you is OK
2.gif
 
I think friendships have the most interesting dynamic of all our personal relationships.

I personally think it is totally normal to have the "why" question...most anyone would be curious to know exactly what happened. It''s hurtful. And I hope you find the peace you need to move on with your life. If you feel like knowing the ins and outs is really going to make the "moving on" easier...then do whatever you can to find out.
 
The fact that this former friend isn''t speaking to me anymore would be closure enough. I wouldn''t need to know why, because I''d know if I did or didn''t do something to prompt the change based on our interactions.
 
I''m sorry that you are going through this. I went through a similar situation. In fact, I think I may have even posted a question similar to yours on another forum when it happened to me. In the end, I ended up emailing her a letter that she didn''t reply to. It provided some type of closure but it still boggles my mind that she could just shut me out like that.

I understand your need for closure but what type of closure do you think you need?
 
It may be that nothing happened. Perhaps she felt the same thing you were feeling (sell-by date on the relationship had passed and she was hanging on, too), and she just stopped hanging on before you did.

When I was in a similar situation, the ''what happened'' wasn''t really important to me. What was important was this: my friend didn''t care enough about the friendship to bring her issue to me and work it out. If our friendship had been important to her, she would have. The actual grievance wasn''t what mattered; her lack of effort was.
 
Date: 5/26/2009 7:10:55 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady
I''d have to agree with the girls about just letting it go and focusing on those around you who love you. Sometimes you can''t figure people out sweetie.. and you shouldn''t need to. If that friend were worth a poop, they wouldn''t blow you off. I believe in my heart that those who truly love you will always be there for you despite time and distance. I have never simply ''blown someone off'' nor would I.. the friendships I''ve forged are an intimate, important part of my life.. I''m protective and loyal to my friends and family.. between them and faith, they are the backbone of my make up..

Hugs.. xo
Wse words as always.

Hey I am sorry you are going through this. But let it go, you don''t need this negativity. HUGS...
 
I had a friend do something similar. She was going through lots of life changes, totally unrelated to me, decided we were in different places and cut off contact. We had been friends for 8 years, she was close with my family and vice versa, it was devestating. I let it go and a year or so down the road, at about the same time, we each reached out to the other and we are now back to being friends. It''s not the same as it was, but it''s nice to have her back in my life.

I''d say let it go. I''m not big on "closure" though. I think when someone walks away, explained or not, there are reasons and if they wanted me to know why they''d share.
 
PP-I agree with you that its insecurity rather than ego.

I think I just needed to know what I might have said or done to offend her. She''s the type that pulls away when something goes wrong and I''ve been going over details to figure out if I did something.

But the friendship isn''t worth saving so I need to just let it be. Thanks for all the advice
35.gif
 
Most likely, you have done nothing wrong and it is the other person''s problem. Since you don''t want anything to do with this person, there really is no need to discuss it. If you were to discuss the issue with the person, you might be back in the position of friend, which you''ve already said you don''t want to be.

It''s best you let it go. You were most likely a good friend to this person. Sometimes certain people aren''t meant to be forever friends.
 
Some advice based on a situation with an ex-friend of mine.... long story short (well I''ll try to keep it short)... when I got engaged this girl (who was like a sister) basically dropped of the face of the earth (not returning calls, emails, etc.). I gave her the benefit of the doubt thinking she was busy (we were close enough that it didn''t bother me... we both had a lot going on). She emailed me the day before my wedding to say she "couldn''t come" (I know her well enough to know she was lying about the reason). I never responded to the email.... it''s been over 2 years.

A couple of weeks ago I got a friend request from her on Facebook and after thinking it over for a couple of days (and asking other friends and my husband what I should do ... they all said ignore it) I accepted it. I was just curious about what was going on in her life.

What I found was that although there were traces of my old friend there she''s really not someone I want in my life anymore... I''m in a good place and don''t need the drama. I still really miss her at times (the her that I knew) but we''ll never be friends again... she hurt me too much and added so much sadness to a day when I should have been entirely happy. I really felt her absence that day and I have some bitterness about that (I know I need to let go of it). As my anniverary approaches each year I always think about the fact that it''s also the anniverary of the end of our friendship. On the bright side I really found out who my true friends were during that time... and I know that it was her loss and not mine.

There was no reason for what she did other than me moving forward to a new stage in my life at a time when things weren''t going great for her in the relationship dept. I belive that this shouldn''t destroy friendships if both people are understanding about each other''s situation (should be a given in a friendship).

Looking at her facebook didn''t give me closure, contacting her won''t give me closure, the only closure I can get is what I give myself... moving on with my life and enjoying my true friends who support me and enrich my life. She made her choice and maybe she regrets it... but I could never let her back in.

I don''t believe the problem in the friendship was you... i doubt you''ll get a real answer from your ex friend... but I know (boy do I know) how hard it is to move on.
 
Date: 5/27/2009 8:58:55 AM
Author: fieryred33143
PP-I agree with you that its insecurity rather than ego.

I think I just needed to know what I might have said or done to offend her. She''s the type that pulls away when something goes wrong and I''ve been going over details to figure out if I did something.

But the friendship isn''t worth saving so I need to just let it be. Thanks for all the advice
35.gif
she could just be jealous of you... nothing you actually did. Sometimes people, even friends, can be so envious when things are going right for someone, that instead of being happy and sharing in that joy with the person, they pull away. I personally wouldn''t need closure, it would just depend on the situation.

My girlfriend is currently being really selfcentered. She has a lot of life events going on right now, wedding, new home purchase, etc. A bridesmaid in her wedding was angry that she just wasn''t interested in anyone other than herself. The bridesmaid was envious that my girlfriend got the house, the rock, the man, the wedding, etc... but was upset that my friend didn''t care to even ASK what was going on in her life. Had zero compassion for the fact she was broke, and was asking her to buy a $300 dress ELEVEN months before the wedding... etc etc etc. A fight ensued, and after the dust settled, she is no longer a bridesmaid... and they are no longer friends. I too have felt my friend pull away into the things that are consuming her. I''ve accepted that my friend is who she is, and that is our relationship right now. Maybe someday we''ll be closer again... but right now I NOTICE too just like the other bridesmaid, but I''m not making a huge scene about it. I just let it roll on by... and maybe someday we''ll pick it up again. Sometimes, you just have to ask yourself, who''s better off? I know I''m certainly doing just fine w/o the additional drama.

I hope you get whatever answers you are searching for, whether they be from her, or within yourself.
35.gif
 
If it were me, at this point I''d probably get closure by sending her a piece of my mind letting her know all the things SHE''S done that I was unhappy with, and then if she wanted to tell me what she happens to think I did this time, she''s free to, but you seem to be a much bigger person than me most of the time
2.gif
9.gif
 
I had a similar experience with my best friend, but things were great until they were suddenly over one day. We were unbelievably close throughout high school and then at the end of the summer right before college she was supposed to come see me to say goodbye before college started. I spoke to her at midnight and planned to leave work early to pick her up the next day when she took the train in to see me. Things were fine - we were both excited to see each other. The next morning I called her to find out which train she was on - she didn''t answer. Didn''t answer texts, phone calls, IMs, emails. Nothing. I left messages asking if everything was alright, but I never heard from her again.

I know how you feel about wanting closure. This was especially difficult for me because things had been absolutely fine when we spoke last. Then suddenly, completely out of nowhere, our friendship was over. I spent 2 years trying to figure out what happened - everyone told me I was better off without her, she wasn''t the type of person I needed in my life and she clearly never valued me as a friend - but it''s still hard when it ends without warning and without knowing WHY it ended. I finally managed to not really "get over" her, but to at least try to get past it and move on.

Then I received an email from her. Over 2 years after she had stopped speaking to me, she emailed me to say she heard I got engaged (6 months earlier) and wanted to congratulate me. Said she knew it was "long overdue" and she didn''t know what happened 2 years before - she "didn''t remember" what happened and what made her end the friendship. Said I didn''t do anything wrong, she just got busy and stressed with college starting and "couldnt remember" what happened at the end of that summer between us.

Honestly, I still am not over it. I try to tell myself I am, but it''s hard - we were so SO close when we were best friends, and it''s still hard for me to understand why this all happened (even after she tried to explain it in the email). When I got married I thought about how she would have been my maid of honor and when she got married I thought about how I would have been hers. We were engaged around the same time and I couldn''t stop thinking about how much fun the planning would have been together.

It''s not healthy. I know this, and I try to put it out of my mind. Obviously the friendship is over, beyond repair, not that she even wanted to try to fix it (and I shouldn''t want to either). And I think it''s the same in your situation - you said this friendship was over for a long time before this one last attempt - I think that tells you it wasn''t too solid to begin with. You didn''t do anything wrong to make him/her end the friendship again, and nothing they say will really give you closure (at least from my experience). I think as hard as it might be, you should just try to let it go.
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Top