Begonia
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2011
- Messages
- 3,233
Hey all, need a bit of wisdom...
My son is 14 and just starting High School (grade 9). He is having trouble with a friend and I need some feedback.
He wants to distance himself from his friend, as they don't seem to have much in common anymore, and doesn't know what to do about it, or if he should distance himself.
It's a long story that needs to be told I think.
My son(we'll call him Sam) moved middle schools mid grade 7 with another boy (we'll call him Kevin). They had been friends for years and changed schools at the same time, but for different reasons. After a few weeks at the new school, Kevin dumped my son as a friend. It was very lonely and a painful time for Sam, as he was also being bullied by other boys at his new school. An unhappy child is an unhappy family.
A parent at the new school introduced her son to my boy Sam (we'll call her son Matt). They hung out for the rest of grade 7. Matt has some learning and behavior challenges, but they got along well enough I thought.
Into grade 8, Sam (my boy) started to make 5 or 6 new friends. They all hung out together, so I assumed they were a crowd of friends .
These lads have gone on to High School. It's week two, and my boy is slowly transitioning. He was accepted into a neat program, which will give him interesting challenges and opportunities, not to mention new friends as well. Never a bad thing to have more friends.
Today, Sam (my son) tells me that he has been having troubles with Matt for a long time now. That he and Matt don't have that much in common, and that Matt has been acting inappropriately (at times) and immaturely (at times) at the new High School. Sam is trying to make a good impression and is worried about attracting unwelcome attention by being with Matt. Additionally he says that the other lads don't care for Matt, have never cared for Matt, and Sam is worried about losing their friendship, as they won't hang around with him when Matt is there.
I asked what the inappropriate behavior is. Sam says that he will say mean things in earshot of other kids like "that chick is ugly", or make grossly sexual comments to the other lads in a loud voice. Matt has some maturity issues which may or may not be linked to his learning disability. I do know that his home life is not great - the parents have several issues that trouble them.
Sam has been hinting that things are not well between them for a while now. I wasn't listening. Now I am.
I guess my question is what, if anything, do I say/tell him? He's only 14 and came to me with it today. I listened mostly, and then thought about it the whole day.
See I know what it is like to be the person that gets walked away from. So does my son Sam.
My first reaction was to tell him not to walk away/put distance in the friendship.
Yet he says that they have never really had a lot in common, and that he just wants to make some new friends, or hang with this crowd of boys.
Now Matt is following my boy at High School during the lunch hours, and it makes Sam uncomfortable. If he stays with Matt, the others leave, but he doesn't want to take off on Matt.
You see, I think Matt may have gone to this High School to follow this group of boys. There is another HS much closer to his home that is a much better match for his learning style and needs.
I said little and listened, but I did suggest that he use the "I feel" statements when Matt acts inappropriately. "I feel embarassed when you say things like that about other people". Beyond that I said little.
I know what it is like to be the person walked away from...
My son is 14 and just starting High School (grade 9). He is having trouble with a friend and I need some feedback.
He wants to distance himself from his friend, as they don't seem to have much in common anymore, and doesn't know what to do about it, or if he should distance himself.
It's a long story that needs to be told I think.
My son(we'll call him Sam) moved middle schools mid grade 7 with another boy (we'll call him Kevin). They had been friends for years and changed schools at the same time, but for different reasons. After a few weeks at the new school, Kevin dumped my son as a friend. It was very lonely and a painful time for Sam, as he was also being bullied by other boys at his new school. An unhappy child is an unhappy family.
A parent at the new school introduced her son to my boy Sam (we'll call her son Matt). They hung out for the rest of grade 7. Matt has some learning and behavior challenges, but they got along well enough I thought.
Into grade 8, Sam (my boy) started to make 5 or 6 new friends. They all hung out together, so I assumed they were a crowd of friends .
These lads have gone on to High School. It's week two, and my boy is slowly transitioning. He was accepted into a neat program, which will give him interesting challenges and opportunities, not to mention new friends as well. Never a bad thing to have more friends.
Today, Sam (my son) tells me that he has been having troubles with Matt for a long time now. That he and Matt don't have that much in common, and that Matt has been acting inappropriately (at times) and immaturely (at times) at the new High School. Sam is trying to make a good impression and is worried about attracting unwelcome attention by being with Matt. Additionally he says that the other lads don't care for Matt, have never cared for Matt, and Sam is worried about losing their friendship, as they won't hang around with him when Matt is there.
I asked what the inappropriate behavior is. Sam says that he will say mean things in earshot of other kids like "that chick is ugly", or make grossly sexual comments to the other lads in a loud voice. Matt has some maturity issues which may or may not be linked to his learning disability. I do know that his home life is not great - the parents have several issues that trouble them.
Sam has been hinting that things are not well between them for a while now. I wasn't listening. Now I am.
I guess my question is what, if anything, do I say/tell him? He's only 14 and came to me with it today. I listened mostly, and then thought about it the whole day.
See I know what it is like to be the person that gets walked away from. So does my son Sam.
My first reaction was to tell him not to walk away/put distance in the friendship.
Yet he says that they have never really had a lot in common, and that he just wants to make some new friends, or hang with this crowd of boys.
Now Matt is following my boy at High School during the lunch hours, and it makes Sam uncomfortable. If he stays with Matt, the others leave, but he doesn't want to take off on Matt.
You see, I think Matt may have gone to this High School to follow this group of boys. There is another HS much closer to his home that is a much better match for his learning style and needs.
I said little and listened, but I did suggest that he use the "I feel" statements when Matt acts inappropriately. "I feel embarassed when you say things like that about other people". Beyond that I said little.
I know what it is like to be the person walked away from...