Asking parents for money...

[Lilac]

So Hudson_Hawk''s thread in the BWW section got me thinking about this situation and I could use some advice.

My parents are divorced and my dad was legally required to give my mom child support payments until after I graduated college or got married. So I got married in February, but my dad had to keep paying child support to my mom until he worked it out with the courts to stop paying. So therefore, until he sorts it out with the courts, my mom has been receiving money for no reason.

My dad had promised me that instead of paying child support payments to my mom after I got married, he would help out a little with some monthly expenses and give me some of the money until I am done with college. Since my mom has been getting the money from him though, he isn''t giving me any and my mom just keeps getting money that shouldn''t be going to her anymore.

I feel way too uncomfortable asking my mom for the money (which by now is close to about six or seven thousand dollars) because she tends to get very upset and angry when she feels "accused" of keeping money that shouldn''t be hers. But DH and I could really use that money right now... I don''t want to talk to my father about this because he shouldn''t have to give me *more* money (he''s been generous enough) and he and my mom don''t have a great relationship (to say the least) so I don''t want to cause tension and fighting between the two of them because I always end up in the middle anyway.

Any ideas on how to handle this? Or should I just forget about the money to avoid the inevitable fight with my mom and hope my dad sorts it all out with the courts soon so he doesn''t have to keep paying her anymore?

I''m sure you can tell by now I don''t really enjoy confrontation.

 

[Shoopy]

I''m curious if you or someone can explain to me why he had to pay child support after you turned 18

. I know that some dads are required to pay throughout college but isn''t that usually just for college expenses? I''ve never heard of paying until the child gets married. That seems like an odd deal.

In any event, I would forget about the money for reasons I rather not get into. Hopefully your dad can get it all squared away.

 

[Steel]

Hi Lilac,

This must be causing you some upset and I am sorry for that.

Any ideas on how to handle this? Or should I just forget about the money to avoid the inevitable fight with my mom and hope my dad sorts it all out with the courts soon so he doesn't have to keep paying her anymore?

This is your call. Do you feel (1) that your Mom is likely to hand over the $$$$'s (2) that she may have spent it already or (3) that you are able to have that chat with her at all?

Any ideas on how to handle this? Or should I just forget about the money to avoid the inevitable fight with my mom and hope my dad sorts it all out with the courts soon so he doesn't have to keep paying her anymore?

This is not your call. This is an issue for your Mom & Dad & the legal system.

ETA: Your Dad can probably claim back the overpayment from your Mother through the Courts in terminating his obligations now you are a Mrs. So perhaps it would not be prudent for your Mom to give you the $$$$'s in case your Dad sues her for it and she had already given it to you (legally it is most ikely your Dad's money, held in trust by your Mom).

 

[purrfectpear]

Why do kids get married if they need money from mommy and daddy?

That said, if you believe your mom has money that you think should be yours then you need to suck it up and speak with HER about it.

Technically your dad''s financial contributions ended with your marriage. Your beef is with your mom. Sorry you don''t look forward to dealing with her, but it''s never to late to grow up ya know - you''re a married lady now - might was well start acting like one (instead of daddy''s little girl)

What''s the worst that will happen? Your mom pitches a fit? That''s HER deal and unless you want to go through your entire life walking on eggshells...

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 5/14/2009 5:07:33 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Why do kids get married if they need money from mommy and daddy?


That said, if you believe your mom has money that you think should be yours then you need to suck it up and speak with HER about it.


Technically your dad''s financial contributions ended with your marriage. Your beef is with your mom. Sorry you don''t look forward to dealing with her, but it''s never to late to grow up ya know - you''re a married lady now - might was well start acting like one (instead of daddy''s little girl)

What''s the worst that will happen? Your mom pitches a fit? That''s HER deal and unless you want to go through your entire life walking on eggshells...

co-sign

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Will your mom be legally obligated to pay your dad back because she wasn't suppose to continue getting the money in the first place?

What she is doing is the equivilant of *stealing* from your dad! Plus, she's denying you what is you dad's wish. In your shoes, I wouldn't even be talking to her. Six-seven thousand is quite a bit!

 

[tlh]

ask your mom for the money, because she has been receiving it in error. Child support is to go for the CHILD. ALL OF IT.
If she doesn''t fork over the money, and your relationship is shoddy, take her to court. The money is rightfully YOURs... unless he pays a lump sum of child support AND spousal support... then it could be splitting hairs and a bit more difficult.

I am sorry you''re in this situation right now.

 

[Steel]

Date: 5/14/2009 5:24:07 PM
Author: tlh
ask your mom for the money, because she has been receiving it in error. Child support is to go for the CHILD. ALL OF IT.
If she doesn''t fork over the money, and your relationship is shoddy, take her to court. The money is rightfully YOURs... unless he pays a lump sum of child support AND spousal support... then it could be splitting hairs and a bit more difficult.

I am sorry you''re in this situation right now.

Over here, the money is his because he agreed to pay until x age or marriage of the child. So the conditions for the termination of the Order have been met and he no longer is legally obliged to pay. So Lilac''s Mom is receiving funds in error and those funds belong to Lilac''s Dad. The Court will Oder it''s return if Lilac''s Dad issues proceedings.

 

[tlh]

Date: 5/14/2009 5:29:57 PM
Author: Steel

Date: 5/14/2009 5:24:07 PM
Author: tlh
ask your mom for the money, because she has been receiving it in error. Child support is to go for the CHILD. ALL OF IT.
If she doesn't fork over the money, and your relationship is shoddy, take her to court. The money is rightfully YOURs... unless he pays a lump sum of child support AND spousal support... then it could be splitting hairs and a bit more difficult.

I am sorry you're in this situation right now.

Over here, the money is his because he agreed to pay until x age or marriage of the child. So the conditions for the termination of the Order have been met and he no longer is legally obliged to pay. So Lilac's Mom is receiving funds in error and those funds belong to Lilac's Dad. The Court will Oder it's return if Lilac's Dad issues proceedings.

SORRY, I missed an important detail STEEL IS CORRECT, I missed the OR GET MARRIED part. If your dad wants to gift you that money, awesome, but I would encourage him to issue proceedings in small claims court, because those payments should not be occuring any long... he can provide the original decree and your wedding certificate as proof, if your mom doesn't hand over in accordance to your father's wishes.

again sorry you're going through this.

 

[princesss]

Let your dad take it to court and have them order her to pay him back. The payments were meant to stop when you got married, so legally the money isn''t yours at all. It''s his money. Once he gets it back, he can decide where to put it, be that in his bank account or yours.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I think it depends on the individual divorce and custody agreement. With my parents it was 18 if not in college and 21 if in college. Once I was in college my father made the payments to me. I used the money in part to pay for school but also to buy a car which I needed to get back and forth to work.

 

[D&T]

Asking parents for money is different when you are single, when you get married, you should be on your own, I agree to with PP to a certain extent, you have quite a few items of discussion, but from your title and just going off of your post. You and your DH should be on your own. We have family and friends that does this, asking the parents for money for this and that, when they could just work extra hard to get what they want and need, even if it means you have to scale back on trivial stuff.

 

[decodelighted]

The money paid in error belongs to your *Dad*. Not to you. Or your Mom. He should be the one to ask for it back (either directly or through the courts). If he then chooses to give it to you ... not out of legal obligation, but out of personal generosity, so be it.

Child support ENDED when you got married. The money that was sent after that WASN''T intended to be for your benefit. It was a simple error. The court intended the $$ to stop when you got married or finished college or turned 21 or whatever the arrangement was.

However, I have a feeling that your Mom has gotten used to that $$ & is probably not inclined to pay it back. Especially since her whole finances are taking a whallop now with NOT getting even more payments. There''s usually some financial rejiggering when people get used to a new amount of monthly income. I''d have empathy for your mother who may not have realized what a hard transition it would be. And empathy for your father who would have *liked* to have helped you, but was unfortunately required to keep paying your mother in error.

I''d ask your Dad if he was going to pursue getting the $ back & if not: drop it. Its not your $$ ... no matter how much you could use it right now.

 

[Kaleigh]

I don't get why your dad was making payments to your Mom after you turned 18? But the money he has paid to her, really should go back to your Dad. Guesing he has to go back to court for that? Then once he gets the money back he can give you what he wants... But isn't obligated to. But sounds like he wants to help you guys out. Times are tough, I understand that. Hoping all works out for you.

 

[alli_esq]

Date: 5/14/2009 5:52:36 PM
Author: decodelighted
The money paid in error belongs to your *Dad*. Not to you. Or your Mom. He should be the one to ask for it back (either directly or through the courts). If he then chooses to give it to you ... not out of legal obligation, but out of personal generosity, so be it.


Child support ENDED when you got married. The money that was sent after that WASN''T intended to be for your benefit. It was a simple error. The court intended the $$ to stop when you got married or finished college or turned 21 or whatever the arrangement was.


However, I have a feeling that your Mom has gotten used to that $$ & is probably not inclined to pay it back. Especially since her whole finances are taking a whallop now with NOT getting even more payments. There''s usually some financial rejiggering when people get used to a new amount of monthly income. I''d have empathy for your mother who may not have realized what a hard transition it would be. And empathy for your father who would have *liked* to have helped you, but was unfortunately required to keep paying your mother in error.


I''d ask your Dad if he was going to pursue getting the $ back & if not: drop it. Its not your $$ ... no matter how much you could use it right now.

yep.

I hope you are able to work things out, Lilac. I know how difficult it can be to support yourself, especially when you''re in school or just out of school.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 5/14/2009 5:52:36 PM
Author: decodelighted
The money paid in error belongs to your *Dad*. Not to you. Or your Mom. He should be the one to ask for it back (either directly or through the courts). If he then chooses to give it to you ... not out of legal obligation, but out of personal generosity, so be it.

Child support ENDED when you got married. The money that was sent after that WASN''T intended to be for your benefit. It was a simple error. The court intended the $$ to stop when you got married or finished college or turned 21 or whatever the arrangement was.

However, I have a feeling that your Mom has gotten used to that $$ & is probably not inclined to pay it back. Especially since her whole finances are taking a whallop now with NOT getting even more payments. There''s usually some financial rejiggering when people get used to a new amount of monthly income. I''d have empathy for your mother who may not have realized what a hard transition it would be. And empathy for your father who would have *liked* to have helped you, but was unfortunately required to keep paying your mother in error.

I''d ask your Dad if he was going to pursue getting the $ back & if not: drop it. Its not your $$ ... no matter how much you could use it right now.

Ding!

Ding Ding!

 

[alli_esq]

Date: 5/14/2009 6:16:17 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I don''t get why your dad was making payments to your Mom after you turned 18? But the money he has paid to her, really should go back to your Dad. Guesing he''s have to go back to court for that? Then once he gets the money back he can give you what he wants... But isn''t obligated to. But sounds like he wants to help you guys out. Times are tough, I understand that. Hoping all works out for you.

Just to clear this up--in many states (I don''t know about all), a parent is still responsible for his or her child for child support purposes up through the age of 21. However, if there is a settlement agreement between the parties, the age can often be older (either until the child graduates from college, or even receives a higher degree). It all depends on what the parties decide and/or what a Court deems appropriate, given the parents'' financial and educational backgrounds.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 5/14/2009 6:31:36 PM
Author: alli_esq

Date: 5/14/2009 6:16:17 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I don''t get why your dad was making payments to your Mom after you turned 18? But the money he has paid to her, really should go back to your Dad. Guesing he''s have to go back to court for that? Then once he gets the money back he can give you what he wants... But isn''t obligated to. But sounds like he wants to help you guys out. Times are tough, I understand that. Hoping all works out for you.

Just to clear this up--in many states (I don''t know about all), a parent is still responsible for his or her child for child support purposes up through the age of 21. However, if there is a settlement agreement between the parties, the age can often be older (either until the child graduates from college, or even receives a higher degree). It all depends on what the parties decide and/or what a Court deems appropriate, given the parents'' financial and educational backgrounds.

Thanks ali. Good to know..

 

[mrscushion]

The money isn''t yours, it''s your dad''s, and he''ll likely get it back via return payments ordered by court once things are finalized. Then he may or not may give it to you, as he decides.

I wouldn''t do anything, except perhaps point out to mom that she shouldn''t count on keeping the $. That would depend whether I thought she''s financially responsible or not.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I agree with everyone who said that the money isn''t your moms, or yours...it does belong to your father based on the legal agreement between them.

However, I respectfully disagree with all the comments about you having no business getting married if you still need or could use money from your parents.

In this economy, things are different. Esspecially if the OP is still in school. It is incredibly difficult to balance a full time job and full time schooling...and yet, it''s something that many people do, but couple that with starting a new married life...that''s a lot of money going out. If your parents are in a position to assist you, then I can find no fault there. I think it is generous and kind...and that you are very fortunate to be on the receiving end. Your parents don''t stop being parents when you reach a certain age or get married...I think it is parental-nature to want to see a child succeed...even if it means throwing them a few hundred dollars now and then.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/14/2009 7:01:46 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I agree with everyone who said that the money isn't your moms, or yours...it does belong to your father based on the legal agreement between them.

However, I respectfully disagree with all the comments about you having no business getting married if you still need or could use money from your parents.

In this economy, things are different. Esspecially if the OP is still in school. It is incredibly difficult to balance a full time job and full time schooling...and yet, it's something that many people do, but couple that with starting a new married life...that's a lot of money going out. If your parents are in a position to assist you, then I can find no fault there. I think it is generous and kind...and that you are very fortunate to be on the receiving end. Your parents don't stop being parents when you reach a certain age or get married...I think it is parental-nature to want to see a child succeed...even if it means throwing them a few hundred dollars now and then.

fortunate or spoiled? where should the parents draw the line?

i was told by a few PSers that i was spoiling my older daughter b/c i was paying her CC bills, in a way "i do agree" with them.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 5/14/2009 5:48:35 PM
Author: D&T
Asking parents for money is different when you are single, when you get married, you should be on your own, I agree to with PP to a certain extent, you have quite a few items of discussion, but from your title and just going off of your post. You and your DH should be on your own. We have family and friends that does this, asking the parents for money for this and that, when they could just work extra hard to get what they want and need, even if it means you have to scale back on trivial stuff.

I appreciate all the responses and advice.

Just to address a few things - I never said DH and I NEEDED the money, I just said it would help. DH and I specifically waited to get married until he had a job that could support us. His salary is enough for us to live on without any help from any of our parents. If it hadn''t been enough, we wouldn''t have gotten married yet. The money would be helpful for me especially to pay for school books and car expenses because I pretty much only use the car to and from school and the money would be helpful - however, again I''ll reiterate that DH''s salary is enough for us to live off of. All I meant was that the money would have been helpful towards school expenses for me and saving it to eventually buy a house one day.

I would never get married and ask either of my parents for financial help - I would have waited to get married if I thought that would be the case.

As for the custody agreement/child support payments - My father was required to pay my mother child support until I either turned 18, finished college, or got married. Since I went straight to college, my father was then required to pay until I was either finished with college or got married. Since I got married before college was finished, my father never stopped paying child support. If he had simply stopped after my wedding, he would have gotten in trouble (not sure why, but something needed to be filed with the courts through lawyers and everything before he was able to stop paying my mom). So he kept paying and told my mom to give me the money. She gave me some of it, but several thousand still remain with her. I''m not sure if she plans on giving it to me (I think at some point she probably would, but I don''t know how to bring this up for reasons I said before).

I know this money isn''t mine. I didn''t expect to be getting this (or any money at all) from anyone once I walked down that aisle - but my father WANTS me to have it. He says he would like to help me save some money until I''m done with college (and I think he also worries about DH losing his job in this economy so he wants to help us save extra now just in case that happens one day).

Again, thank you everyone for your comments and advice - I really appreciate it. This has really been stressing me out, mostly because I worry about eventually getting caught up in the middle of a fight between my parents.

 

[Haven]

In an effort to try to keep your relationship with both parents intact, I wouldn''t confront either parent about this money. If your father really wants you to have this money, he''ll make sure it ends up in your hands, *especially* if he''d rather it be your money instead of your mom''s.

If you confront either one of them about this it is likely to become an emotional, overblown issue.

Generally, I find that it''s best to count only on money that I earn for myself. It would be lovely for your father to generously give you that money, but if you two can support yourselves it might be best for your relationship with your father *not* to ask about the money.

 

[cara]

Has your mother been using the child support money to contribute to your schooling expenses prior to getting married? If so, how was she contributing?

At most, I would ask her to continue in the same manner as before - rent supplement, tuition, etc., for the time period in which she was receiving payments. But if she was rather using the money for say, maintaining her home which you lived in on holiday, then I think this is a sleeping dog best left alone. Consider it a final payment for helping to raise you.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 5/14/2009 7:39:36 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 5/14/2009 7:01:46 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I agree with everyone who said that the money isn''t your moms, or yours...it does belong to your father based on the legal agreement between them.

However, I respectfully disagree with all the comments about you having no business getting married if you still need or could use money from your parents.

In this economy, things are different. Esspecially if the OP is still in school. It is incredibly difficult to balance a full time job and full time schooling...and yet, it''s something that many people do, but couple that with starting a new married life...that''s a lot of money going out. If your parents are in a position to assist you, then I can find no fault there. I think it is generous and kind...and that you are very fortunate to be on the receiving end. Your parents don''t stop being parents when you reach a certain age or get married...I think it is parental-nature to want to see a child succeed...even if it means throwing them a few hundred dollars now and then.

fortunate or spoiled? where should the parents draw the line?

i was told by a few PSers that i was spoiling my older daughter b/c i was paying her CC bills, in a way ''i do agree'' with them.

I don''t think there can be a "hard line" drawn between right and wrong when it comes to this issue...I think it needs to be weighed on a case by case basis.

In the OP''s case, she is a young married woman still working towards her advanced education. From her post, I gathered that her father wants to help her and her new husband better themselves and their situation but feels like he''s already coming out of pocket at this time.

And if I''m remember correctly, your daughter rang up a hefty CC bill.

In my opinion, those are two totally different situations. One is a bail out, one is a leg up.

I''d never fault a parent for personally deciding what they will or will not pay for when it comes to their children. I have my own personal views on where the "buck stops" ...but that will be privately enforced if/when I have children of my own.

 

[Lilac]

Well, I decided to suck it up and mention it to my mom. I called her tonight and I didn''t ask her directly if she was planning on giving me the money (or giving it back to my dad), but I said something along the lines of "did you ever work out what''s going to happen with the child support payments?" It went better than I thought it would. She said she''s been in touch with my father and his lawyer was working with the court to end the payments. As soon as she knows whether she would be ordered to pay my father back the money she would let me know, and if she wasn''t told to give it back to him then she would be giving it to me like my father asked her to.

Thanks for the help everyone - your advice and comments helped me decide to deal with this instead of just avoiding it more!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

So happy for you!

 

[purrfectpear]

See, it wasn''t that hard. I''m happy the convo went well.

But Lilac, even if it hadn''t...it''s important for you to force yourself to deal with things like the adult you hope to be accepted as, right

The more you push yourself to walk through situations that you sort of dread or are tempted to avoid, the more you''ll grow in confidence and ability.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 5/14/2009 11:48:34 PM
Author: purrfectpear
See, it wasn''t that hard. I''m happy the convo went well.


But Lilac, even if it hadn''t...it''s important for you to force yourself to deal with things like the adult you hope to be accepted as, right

The more you push yourself to walk through situations that you sort of dread or are tempted to avoid, the more you''ll grow in confidence and ability.

This is true, Purrfectpear, but now when I''m trying to focus on studying for my finals is not the best time to deal with my mom''s temper

. She can be extremely supportive and amazing when we''re not fighting... and very difficult to deal with when we are.

I''m glad I spoke to her about it though. I feel much better now that I''ve gotten that out of the way.