Are you the "passive-aggresive" kind? How should I deal with you?

[zhuzhu]

Ok ok, so I don''t mean "you" you. This question came up because I found that there are MANY people in various position in my life that ARE. I am at lost in how to deal with them.

My communication style is candid and sometimes more direct than needed . However I find honesty to be the best policy and often make my points/expectation clear. With those who are passive-aggressive, they go about things very indirectly but sometimes manipulatively. When they don''t like some email from me they will just ignore it, instead of declining my request or say "I don''t know the answer. When they want something from me they don''t ask directly, they go about asking "how would you feel about doing xxx" when we both know full well that I don''t have an option to say no. Or worse, someone will send a birthday card and the card says "We will take you out to a nice restaurant to celebrate when we visit you in October" (NOTE: they just invited themselves to our house, we never extended an invite).

I have been dealing with them as neccesary; but sometimes these excessive passive aggresivity just tire me out.

Are you, or do you know people, who are like that? If so how do you go about dealing with this personality style effectively?

Thanks in advance for your input, and for sharing your experiences!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 9/21/2009 10:59:38 PM
Author:zhuzhu
Ok ok, so I don''t mean ''you'' you. This question came up because I found that there are MANY people in various position in my life that ARE. I am at lost in how to deal with them.

My communication style is candid and sometimes more direct than needed . However I find honesty to be the best policy and often make my points/expectation clear. With those who are passive-aggressive, they go about things very indirectly but sometimes manipulatively. When they don''t like some email from me they will just ignore it, instead of declining my request or say ''I don''t know the answer. When they want something from me they don''t ask directly, they go about asking ''how would you feel about doing xxx'' when we both know full well that I don''t have an option to say no. Or worse, someone will send a birthday card and the card says ''We will take you out to a nice restaurant to celebrate when we visit you in October'' (NOTE: they just invited themselves to our house, we never extended an invite).

I have been dealing with them as neccesary; but sometimes these excessive passive aggresivity just tire me out.

Are you, or do you know people, who are like that? If so how do you go about dealing with this personality style effectively?

Thanks in advance for your input, and for sharing your experiences!

zhuzhu,

I feel your pain. It''s the one thing I can''t stand. I am very direct, and will call them out on it. I am 47 years old, me patience is worn out. I am not about to play passive aggressive BS with anyone.


I have a SIL who puts the the PA in passive agressive. I adore her, but man, she can''t say what she wants to say for nothing, and comes off soooo passive agressive and here she was the one into all the psychology stuff. It''s very frustrating.

I am a very direct person more so in RL than on here. I will call someone out when need be, and have done this with her time and time again. She admires me, because I was the first one to be able to stand up to their Mother.

She knows I come from a place of love and understanding.... But sometimes she just gets soooo into her PA place, you have to snap her out of it.

So I say let them know how they come across... If you do so in a caring way...Like hey when you say this, do you know how that comes across?? We really care for you,. but it''s hard to communicate with you, when you come across this way...

HUGS!!!

Hope any of what I had to say was of some help. It''s my biggest PET PEEVE ever...

 

[D&T]

Zhuzhu - I hear you too! my DH''s family is like this and it is exhausting, I''m more direct (all my family member are all direct) my DH says sometimes I''m too blunt and honest so when dealing with certain people in his family, I will just let him take care of it if I skirt around the issue - I basically lose my train of thoughts and not at all communicate what I need. At work, we have a gal that gets on my coworker''s nerves, but she''s ok with me, as long as i am direct, others will not tell her that she is well "bugging" them at the wrong time, anyways so it leaves me and my boss at a very uncomfortable position. I finally mentioned that so and so needs to hear it directly from who ever has an issue with whatever so she understands how to correct her "problem"

 

[movie zombie]

re the "how would you feel about doing xxx": yes, you do have a choice. the person/s are definitely manipulating you and you''re going along with it. the only way to break the cycle is to BREAK THE CYCLE and just say "i wouldn''t like it/i wouldn''t appreciate doing it, etc". as long as you play the game, they''ll initiate it. having said that, be prepared to take the consequences of being ridiculed or whatever the next passive-agressive tactic will be. be assertive.....or your resentment is going to build until you blow.

mz

 

[CJ2008]

I cannot stand indirectness or underhanded and passive aggressive comments - it's cowardly, actually. I hate when people throw comments that are definitely meant to leave the other person wondering "what did she/he mean about that?" It's almost like that's where they get their power.

I don't think there's any right answer because it depends on the situation, the people involved, and what role they play in your life.

But in general, the best tactic is to bring it out in the open. So for example, with the person who ignored you email request, I would send a follow up, and then after that I would pick up the phone and call them. If the issue happened repeatedly, I would actually talk to them about it. "Listen, the last 10 times I sent you a request via email, I had to follow up via email, and then call you...what's going on?"

And humor can work too, if you're good at it (I say that because I'm totally not and would come off wrong). So for the October visitors (how rude, by the way, to invite themselves) you could say something like "so, I was surprised to see that we'll be having houseguests in October! I don't remember inviting you!" And after you share a few ha has say something like "I love that you want to see me for my birthday, but right now it's just not a good time for us for visitors...I hope you understand"

ETA: MZ's advice was dead on...good advice, MZ!

ETA2: by the way, I do believe you can be direct and straightforward AND still be kind

 

[zhuzhu]

Thanks everyone for your inputs!

Unfortunately for me, the "how would you feel about doing..." person is my boss, and the "we are coming to visit/stay with you" person is my inlaw..... I don''t think I can easily tell them to "back of" because of these relationships.....

 

[Porridge]

Uuuggghhhhhaaarrrrrggghhhh I hate passive aggressiveness in all its forms. My dad is by far the worst culprit. Perfect example, last night, instead of asking me to close the door (which he had opened earlier to smoke his cigar out of), he said "hey Porridge, keep an eye out, there''s a lot of moths around...". I was stumped for a second until I realised I was standing closer to the open door, and he wanted me to close it. Eh, how about could you please close the door Porridge?!?!?!

Grrr...When someone starts getting passive aggressive on me I reply with a simple, clear question, ie "do you want me to close the door?" Or "would you like to me do xxx?" or "I didn''t know about your plans to visit in October, lets discuss it". Don''t respond to it, just reply with as much clarity and straightforwardness as possible. That''s how I deal with it anyway, dunno if it''s a good method or not.

FI can tend to behave on the lower end of passive aggressiveness, as in if asked something, he''ll dance around the answer a bit because he''s trying to suss out what answer is wanted. It''s only sometimes, he has definitely learned to be more assertive and direct, but man does it bug me. Yes or no!

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 9/22/2009 1:07:37 AM
Author: zhuzhu
Thanks everyone for your inputs!

Unfortunately for me, the ''how would you feel about doing...'' person is my boss, and the ''we are coming to visit/stay with you'' person is my inlaw..... I don''t think I can easily tell them to ''back of'' because of these relationships.....

Yup, that''s why it really depends on the people involved...

HOWEVER - I do still think mz''s advice can work, if you do it in a professional manner. If you think about it, all you''re doing is answering the question you''re being asked.

You can go about it in 2 ways:

You can address the white elephant in the room and reply with something like: "I''m not sure whether I have an option to do this task/get involved with this project. But you''re asking me how I feel about taking it on, so I want to know if you would really like me to give that some thought."

OR option B: "I was wondering if I could ask a favor - when you have a project that you want me to work on, I''d like for you to just assign it to me. It''s nice that you always take the time to ask me how I feel about taking it on, but unless I really have a choice to decline it, I''d rather just jump right in."

Or something like that...I think either one could be effective, but you have to be willing to risk him/her getting mad. Honestly, I believe that boss or not, if you say things in a professional manner, you should be able to say what you think - it helps cut down on any resentment build-up and might even improve your working relationship and the respect he/she feels for you.

 

[decodelighted]

Okay ... I suggest empathy. At least toward the passive aggressive boss (ha!). Obviously they don''t feel comfortable with their authority and have a hard time just giving a directive. They''re hiding behind the pretense of you having a "choice" or "feelings" about something. You could be direct with them and say - "Listen, ultimately it doesn''t matter how I *feel* about doing this .. you''re my boss and I''ll get it done for you if choose me to tackle it. You can be direct with me. I know our roles here." And then WINK. But only if you''re Sarah Palin.

I''m out of practice being a "boss" and I see myself ALL OVER that description so maybe I''m empathizing too much with the one you describe. But I guess I think of the person I''m working with as a collaborator & want them to know they have a say & that I''ll consider their feelings about something. I DO NOT want to be a teflon dictator handing out orders willy nilly. Also: am Southern. GAH. I''ve made this about me. I''m sorry. There are genuinely manipulative PA-ers who thrive on the power - but then there are also more hapless types who don''t mean any harm really. Just have to decide which type you''re dealing with I guess ...

 

[Mara]

no i skip the passive part and go straight to aggressive.

just kidding actually. it's funny because i am very firmly one way in my personal life, but when it comes to work, i am much more diplomatic and mellow. in fact my boss is always telling people how she uses me as a mediator in tough situations where she is more apt to get upset. she loves telling people i am the most diplomatic person she knows (WHAT?? i know!) and asks my advice on how to write mean emails in a more positive manner, because she says i am so nice.

and i should point out she has known me for almost 3 years and has seen both sides of me. i love her delusions. hehee. but it does take a lot to get me really upset so in a corporate environment that is a huge boon as i tend to not take things personally whereas i know most people do and will act defensive.

but i agree with the others there are always ways to say no or to not have to give into PA type of people. btw those are the types i simply cannot stand. give me someone who is direct and even rude and i will respect them (if not like them at least respect them) 1000 times over than someone who fakes it or just acts like they are into it or whatever and then goes and talks about it behind your back or goes and gets it changed without telling you.

PA attitude is huge in corporate environments. if people don't want to stand up for themselves, they just nod or say sure and then go about changing that later. i'd much rather hear opposing viewpoints in the original meeting than 2 months down the road when someone is balking or just not responding to emails on a crucial project.

that said...i agree with deco there is PA and then there is kind of clueless or maybe not socially totally with it. in terms of when the boss says 'how do you feel about doing this'.. you have the option to say no. you may not feel like you do, but you do. you make the choice not to say no. and it doesn't have to be a rude no, i tend to want to suss out more information and ask a lot of questions to get information but also give myself time to think, and then say i need some time to make a decision if it is a big deal (aka taking on more responsibility). you can say things like 'i'm thankful for your confidence in my skills, but i need to review my workload and make sure that i can take on these additional items without compromising the quality of my work'. i mean hello what is a boss going to say to that? and if they stress that they think you can do it, you can still simply say... 'i hope you are right, but i still would like 24 hours to review everything just to be sure nothing is slipping through the cracks.'

for the in-laws or when people try to pidgeonhole me into doing something, i am purposely vague. as in 'oh that sounds great but let me get back to you'. and then if you need to, set a date that is very far out...sometimes there are just things you can't say no to hehee. i refuse to be bullied by people regardless of who they are, but there is almost always a gracious way to respond to something even if at the time it doesn't seem very apparent. i think that prepping yourself for some situations you have had in the past might help you in the future to have a more ready answer for next time.

my friend has one of the best sayings for PA types...'better a hater than a faker'..and i totally agree. but PA people are more deliberate, sometimes there are just people who don't realize.

 

[princesss]

Out of curiousity - is your boss female?

 

[radiantquest]

I don''t know if this is the best way to deal with it, but this is the way I deal with it because I am me and I am dense. I am a straight forward black and white. It is what it is kind of person. I don''t read between the lines, see hidden meanings, blah, blah, blah. The example used with the door and the moths would have never clicked with me. I would have never put that together! I assume that if someone wants me to close the door they will ask me to close the door. Otherwise, they can do it themselves. As far as someone saying about them coming to visit I would have come out said. "what are you talking about when you come and visit? when did we plan this?" I don''t feel this is rude, I like things to be clear. I guess passive aggressive doesn''t really work with me because I either miss it, or ask what they are talking about.

The one thing that does bother me and I don''t know if this is passive aggressive or not but it is grayness and it drives me nuts is when someones answers one of my questions with a non-answer like "yes and no". What does that even mean??!!

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 9/22/2009 1:07:37 AM
Author: zhuzhu
Thanks everyone for your inputs!

Unfortunately for me, the 'how would you feel about doing...' person is my boss, and the 'we are coming to visit/stay with you' person is my inlaw..... I don't think I can easily tell them to 'back of' because of these relationships.....

I find passive aggressive people at work are sooo much harder to deal with than in regular life. I have no problem calling a friend out on being PA (or just breaking the cycle) but you obviously can't do that with a boss. Unfortunately, I also fall into the trap of *actually* responding to PA questions sometimes (like, "No, I think I have too many other things on my plate to take on your request right away; can we work out another solution?" when that request was not optional, though it was stated as being optional and really did seem optional), which does not make my boss like me. I think I assume people are being direct when they're not and can get myself into trouble.

 

[daydreamer]

I have passive aggressive tendencies (and work with similar people) and this is what I''d suggest.

For the people who ignore requests, let a reasonable amount of time to pass based on the urgency of the issue and then ask again, referencing the fact that you''ve asked before. This indicates that the question really is too important to ignore as opposed the myriad other things that may or may not be important and can be ignored. For instance forward the original email and ask again stating the importance but without antagonizing them, which might feel good, but won''t get you the result you need. Some form of, "I know this might take some time, but I really need to know" or "It''s ok if you don''t know, but let me know, and let me know if you have any other suggestions for how to find out the answer" tends to help get a response.

For requests from your boss, her phrasing would be considered proper in some lines of work. It shows respect for the other''s autonomy while still making her wishes known. My boss does this all the time and he is not at all passive aggressive. I would just assume that she means "please do this" and not worry about it. She might appreciate the same style coming from you if that is her preference.

I have no suggestions for your in-laws inviting themselves over. That''s just rude!

 

[zhuzhu]

Thanks to all your wonderful and insightful responses. My boss is a male, and I think it is true that his personality style is a result of him being too non-confrontational and not feeling too comfortable with being the authority. I just think it is a shame that I am not as "well liked" by him as compared to another scientist who just does everything but does them badly. But it does look like she gets more things done. Oh well.

 

[HollyS]

In person, I''m rarely passive-agressive. Straight forward, honest, but not in a discourteous way. I''m not much of a manipulator. Playing games is not my style. I would neither butter someone up, nor ''throw them under the bus''.

However. . . if I don''t want to reply to emails, voicemail, answer the phone, come to the door, I don''t. I''ve deliberately not set up my mailbox on my cell phone. Yes, I know it irritates people; and I admit that''s one of my motivations.

 

[Abril]

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10 ways to impress your boss