are you a shy person IRL??

[that_someone_special]

If you're shy, do you find that people sometimes mistake your shyness for stand-offishness? Does that bother you?

Many, many, many times I've been told that people thought I was a snobby B because I wouldn't talk to anyone and gave off a "better than thou" attitude. But in reality, I was scared to death of meeting new people (I bawled my eyes out from stress before meeting FI's parents for example).

It's really funny though.. now that I think about it, all of my friends are really outgoing. Most of them came up to me and talked to me first and pursued a friendship with me.

 

[oddoneout]

Hell yeah.

 

[zoebartlett]

Not at all. Ever. I am very outgoing. I do have a b*tch face though. When people do not know me they think that I am a snot, but once they talk to me and see how laid back I am I normally get along great with everyone. I think that it comes from my line of work. I meet every type of personality and very rarely is there someone that I cant have a great chat with. I guess it is part of my job description to build rapport with people. I find it very easy and it is fun to talk to new people.

My coworkers call it story time with Radiantquest when I get to chatting with them. I will talk about anything. I dont care. (Unless of course, it is inappropriate) Many people have told me that I am very easy to talk to.

RQ -- a few of my friends say that I tell "Zoe Stories." These are stories where I just ramble on and on, and they often don't have a point. There are tmes when I have to be reigned in because I'll talk your ear off. Other friends can't picture me as being that way though because I'm really pretty quiet much of the time.

 

[Catmom]

I always wonder this about shy people--can you identify what makes you shy? In other words, why is it hard to talk to people you don't know well?

I'm actually really curious about that, and always have been. I've never been shy so I can't relate, and I always wanted to ask someone IRL why she's so shy, but of course I'd never really ask a shy person why she's shy because that would be rude. Is it rude to do it here? If so, sorry. If not, please do answer.

We know friends of friends who are so very shy it seems debilitating. They're a couple, the man works with my best friend's husband and they've known each other since high school. They literally will not speak at social events unless someone speaks directly to them. Otherwise, they just stand around or talk very quietly to each other.

If you're shy, do you find that people sometimes mistake your shyness for stand-offishness? Does that bother you?

Sorry for all the questions, this is something I've always wanted to know. The other thing I've always wanted to know is what deaf people hear/see/experience in their minds when they think to themselves. (Example: I hear a version of my voice when I think to myself.) None of my deaf friends have ever been able to answer that question, which makes me even more curious. Off topic, but that's just the other question I've always wanted to ask people and finally being able to ask shy people about their shyness has made me overzealous.

In high school and college I always heard people thought I was stuck-up when it was so far from the truth. I would have given anything to be friends with them. Being shy or having social anxiety is debilitating. I can remember a party my sister had at her house that she forced me to go to. I literally sat in one place and didn't move the entire night. I was terrified.

I always worried that I would say or do the wrong thing consequently I said and did nothing. I always felt myself to be the fat one or the ugly one etc. I loved being with people but I was always there as an observer never a doer. It's really sad when you think about it. It wasn't until I became a health care/customer service manager and had to do presentations before hundreds of nurses and administrators that I began to have some self worth.

Today I don't so much care what people think of me but I still have problems making and keeping friends. When I speak with people I still worry that I'm saying the wrong thing and I try and relate with what they are saying with something that happened to me. I think I'm so busy trying to relate that I don't listen well to what people say and then I'll talk about something similar that happened to me. That's how I relate but I think it comes across as self absorbed and that maybe people think I'm trying to one up them. I'm really trying to not do that any more but then I don't know what to say. Sheesh I may never get this right.

 

[elrohwen]

Haven, I wanted to address some of your questions. First, being shy does result in people thinking you're stand-offish or a snob. Especially as a kid, other kids thought I was stuck up and didn't want to be friends with them, because I didn't talk to them or joke around. In reality, I very much wanted to talk to the other kids and be with them, but it was so hard for me and made me so anxious. As an adult this doesn't happen to me anymore, but I have seen others be labeled as snobs when I can tell they're just shy and it makes me very mad. Sometimes extroverted people don't understand how hard it can be for those who are shy and instead of understanding, they act like it's a personality flaw and label it snobbery or something. I had high school friends who said I was so much nicer and not a snob after going to college for a few years. Hello! I was always nice and not a snob, I was just too shy to talk to you.

As for why I'm shy, it's hard to say. I was absolutely born this way, and my parents noticed the traits in me at a very young age. I think I have a heightened level of self-consciousness sometimes. When I'm talking to someone new I can be having a lot of thoughts about how what I'm saying is coming across and how the person is viewing me. I'm always analyzing the social situation I'm in. It's stressful to have all these thoughts and not very enjoyable, so it can make talking to new people difficult. For example, I find it much harder in a new work situation, because I need to make a good impression with someone I will work with, so the self-conscious thoughts are hard to get past. It results in me being much quieter at first and taking a while to warm up to people. At a party, I'm far less self-conscious with new people, because I've learned to not care so much about what they think about me, so I can talk and laugh and not have all these thoughts getting in the way. Getting to this point in party situations took a lot of work, but college helped a lot because it threw me into new social situations all the time.

I hope this makes some sense! It's the best way I could describe it for my experience.

eta: Catmom, I wanted to say that so much of your post resonated with me! I do and experience exactly the same things, though I think I'm much better at it now than I was a few years ago.

 

[Shoopy]

I always wonder this about shy people--can you identify what makes you shy? In other words, why is it hard to talk to people you don't know well?

If you're shy, do you find that people sometimes mistake your shyness for stand-offishness? Does that bother you?

To answer your first question: fear of rejection is my #1 reason. I don't make friends often and I'm always afraid of someone writing me off completely.

Second question: Yes. All the time. I have a very good friend who told me that when he first met me, he thought I was a B I'm far from it but I never spoke to anyone in the office and just did my own thing because I was too shy to be part of their group (they had all worked there for 5+ years).

 

[junebug17]

I can relate to so many of these posts...

I was painfully shy as a child, teenager and as a young adult. Over the years I have become a little more outgoing because life demands some interaction with people. But certain social situations are still very difficult for me. My husband's business functions are a great example. Sitting around a table with a group of relative strangers and trying to contribute to the conversation is absolutely painful for me. I tend to be quiet at these functions, and then I start stressing out because I'm afraid I am coming off as weird by not talking. I compensate by plastering a smile on my face and commenting on what other people say. I do better when it's a cocktail party type of event, and I can have one- on -one conversations with people. It's the only time in my life when I'm tempted to have a drink or two, but I don't want to have to rely on alcohol to make me feel better. I come home from these events exhausted and drained, and greatly relieved that it's over.

I do better in other situations, but I tend to experience a low level of anxiety whenever I have to interact with people. I teach decorative painting classes, and once I get started I'm ok, and you wouldn't think I was a shy person. But I am very nervous prior to the class, and drained afterwards.

Why am I shy? I guess it's an underlying fear of saying something that others will think is stupid, incorrect or that will inadvertently offend someone.

ETA: And yes, I'm afraid that I will come across as stuck-up. That's why sometimes I plaster a smile on my face and nod ridiculously at what other people say. I'm hoping I am conveying the message of "I'm not a snob, I'm just shy and really I'm a nice person!" I probably just come off looking crazy!

 

[BeachRunner]

I'm surprised by the amount of "shy gals and guys"! I am also a pretty shy and quiet person.

I've always been this way, even growing up. FWIW, I am an only child.

I do not like being this way, and really have to try to be social. I love being around others but also throughly enjoy my alone time. I don't have a "disorder" so to speak. I do not panic or feel overwhelmed when in social situations.

And yes, people do judge quiet people as being rude, snobby, etc. I've had old co-workers tell me that they didn't think I liked them at first. I was mortified. I always try to make an attempt to introduce myself and put myself out there now.

Why am I shy? My mother is by nature, a quiet person; my father is not. I too, am curious as to why some people are so outgoing and others just struggle.

And Haven, to address your deaf question: I think that people who are deaf or blind utilize their other senses to make up for the lack of one. A blind person may relate you to the sound of your voice, your smell, etc. I bet they have wonderful imaginations!

 

[Tuckins1]

Not really. Maybe if I have to sing in front of people or something like that, but in daily life.... No.

 

[Puppmom]

Yep, I'm shy and, as a result, other women especially often think I'm a total B until they get to know me. Unfortunately, DH is also pretty shy so we're a pretty awkward bunch! DD is not shy at all - thank goodness!

I've always been shy - to the point of anxiety sometimes. As a child, I always held on to some part of my mom - her belt loop, strap of her shirt, her purse - anything I could get my hands on. If she wouldn't let me hold on, I would walk so close to her that I was constantly stepping on her feet. God, that must have been irritating!

 

[Burberrygirl]

No, but I'm definitely reserved at first.

I'm the same way.

 

[Haven]

Thank you so much to everyone who answered my questions. After thinking about that post I feared that it would be taken the wrong way, and I'm glad to see that it wasn't.

Your responses are actually very helpful to me because I think that I've often misinterpreted shyness as standoffishness and I'm trying to not make that mistake anymore. In fact, I thought that my oldest friend's husband was really full of himself for many years, and I only recently realized that it's just that he's really shy around new people. I feel awful about that, because it's affected my relationship with my friend; DH and I just weren't interested in going out with them very much because we thought he was so pompous. Then, we had a fabulous dinner with them a few weeks ago and realized that he was probably just painfully shy. I can't tell you how awful I feel about making that judgment, and the way it changed my friendship.

I know it's probably hard to share your experiences, so I really do want to thank you for doing so. I've never been shy, and I'm probably a bit too gregarious in some situations, so I think that has caused me to make some very unfair assumptions about people who are shy. It was really hard for me to believe that people could have a difficult time talking to new people in social situations, and that's why I just assumed they were stuck up rather than shy.

 

[Shoopy]

Haven-As I mentioned in my first response here, I tend to do well in social settings although I do classify myself as shy.

Now my FI is VERY shy and it's damaged some friendships for me as well because people tend to think he's a jerk or doesn't have much to offer/say.

When my bff started dating her now husband, he never wanted to hang out with us because he felt that he didn't get along with FI or that FI didn't like him and he didn't want to sit around at the table listening to the girls speak. It takes FI a long time to open up to new people, especially since that's not normal for him. He has had the same group of friends since elementary school and isn't used to meeting new people.

Now after a year or so once FI opened up to him and got over the shyness, my bff's husband loves hanging out with him. He often invites us to bbq and the girls will go out shopping while the boys finish bbqing together.

I don't blame him though. It is kind of weird for an adult to be shy when in an intimate setting such as dinner with just the 4 of us.

 

[CourtLynB]

I'm shy in IRL and I feel like I'm even shy on PS! Thankfully I have an out-going BF who can talk to anyone. When we're on our way to any event or party, even if I know all the people attending, I get something similar to an upset stomach and then I start sweating. And sometimes I stick so close to my BF's side that he'll start slowing shifting his position because he thinks it's funny when I follow him. I don't find that funny at all. Or he'll like push me in front of him.

Sometimes I feel like I've come out of my shell. But more often than not, I'm super shy. I had friends from college text me, I couldn't even return that. I purposly don't go on facebook sometimes if I know someone sent me a message. I hate listening to voicemails, even at work. I have major issues actually picking up the phone and calling people. Even in the age of e-mail, sometimes I procrastinate sending out those too. Luckily it hasn't interfered with my work since everyone I work with is super nice and I've been here long enough to get to know everyone. On the other hand, I don't even look for a new job with more money because I dread having to start that new job and meet all those new people.

Yesterday I had to drop off some stuff at my boyfriend's office. I know the people in his group and it was after hours, so I would have been fine. But he decided it would be a great idea for me to meet like 3 of his VP's. I only sweated a little bit, but then again, I had heard so much about these people it was like I already kinda knew them. Oh yeah, and my hands start to shake and I talk too fast and fall over words at times.

Yes, when I was younger (and maybe even now) people took my shyness as snobiness in light of where I grew up. People in HS were apparently intimidated by me, meanwhile I always wanted to crawl under my desk.

 

[tyty333]

Haven, I wanted to address some of your questions. First, being shy does result in people thinking you're stand-offish or a snob. Especially as a kid, other kids thought I was stuck up and didn't want to be friends with them, because I didn't talk to them or joke around. In reality, I very much wanted to talk to the other kids and be with them, but it was so hard for me and made me so anxious. As an adult this doesn't happen to me anymore, but I have seen others be labeled as snobs when I can tell they're just shy and it makes me very mad. Sometimes extroverted people don't understand how hard it can be for those who are shy and instead of understanding, they act like it's a personality flaw and label it snobbery or something. I had high school friends who said I was so much nicer and not a snob after going to college for a few years. Hello! I was always nice and not a snob, I was just too shy to talk to you.

As for why I'm shy, it's hard to say. I was absolutely born this way, and my parents noticed the traits in me at a very young age. I think I have a heightened level of self-consciousness sometimes. When I'm talking to someone new I can be having a lot of thoughts about how what I'm saying is coming across and how the person is viewing me. I'm always analyzing the social situation I'm in. It's stressful to have all these thoughts and not very enjoyable, so it can make talking to new people difficult. For example, I find it much harder in a new work situation, because I need to make a good impression with someone I will work with, so the self-conscious thoughts are hard to get past. It results in me being much quieter at first and taking a while to warm up to people. At a party, I'm far less self-conscious with new people, because I've learned to not care so much about what they think about me, so I can talk and laugh and not have all these thoughts getting in the way. Getting to this point in party situations took a lot of work, but college helped a lot because it threw me into new social situations all the time.

I hope this makes some sense! It's the best way I could describe it for my experience.

eta: Catmom, I wanted to say that so much of your post resonated with me! I do and experience exactly the same things, though I think I'm much better at it now than I was a few years ago.

I think elrohwen stated it very well (from my point of view). I feel like I was born like this and I'm too self-aware.
The bad thing is that my daughter (6yrs old) appears to be very shy and for the life of me I dont know how
to help her. Like...should I tell her just not to care what other people think. To me its not just about what's consciously going
on in the head...it almost seems like its a whole body experience. I'm not sure what to tell her that could help. The little bit
of research I did on the web just said not to label them and to pretty much let them be how they are??? I mean I know you don't
want to cause more anxiety by making them feel they are not normal and by trying to change them. Anybody have any good
ideas that helped them with their shyness?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

No, but I'm definitely reserved at first.

Ditto. The more people around, the more reserved I am. I like smaller groups.

 

[soocool]

Shy? I can be at times and at other times I am extremely outgoing. I guess it depends on the people I am with. If I am comfortable with them I am extremely outgoing, but in a group where I hardly know anyone I am somewhat reserved.