Anyone else''s family NOT pressure them about marriage and babies?

[Sabine]

So I''ve been lurking on the TTC thread cause dh and I are thinking about starting soon. Both there and on the BWW forum I often hear about people whose families are always asking them when they are going to get married and when they are going to have babies. And I have to say, while I *think* I understand how much of a PAIN that would be, it always makes me a little sad since my family never does.

With dh''s family, it sorta makes sense. We were 23 when we got engaged and 25 (almost 26!) when we got married, which is still on the young side. DH is the middle child, but neither his brother or sister have even ever had a serious relationship, and his family tends to baby him a little even though he''s been on his own for a while. When we got engaged, they thought we were too young, but were supportive of us. But we definitely didn''t get any pressure from them to do it. And since we''ve only been married a while, I''m guessing they aren''t even thinking grandbabies yet, although it might be much sooner than they think.

My family is a bit harder to figure out. I''ve always been independent and made my own decisions, but my mom is still the type to want to really be involved in my life and know what''s going on. She wasn''t surprised at all when we got engaged, but I had never heard her asking about when it would be beforehand either. And even though I''ve tried bringing up the idea of kids to her, she never seems to even want to talk about the topic!

I don''t really have a question here, other than I feel like it''s weird that our families aren''t pressuring us, and wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences.

 

[neatfreak]

Mine didn't! Don't get me wrong, my mother is so so excited for the arrival of her grandbabies. But before we were pregnant and before we were married, she never uttered a peep about it. She knew that I'd do it when the time was right. And let me tell you, my DH and I REALLY appreciate it. His dad is the same way, but let's just say that his mom and her husband were a little more annoying about it.

And trust me, DON'T be jealous! It's a PITA...now that I have experienced it with my DH's family, I will go right back to my non-pressuring family and rejoice!

 

[Elmorton]

Haha, no, our parents don''t pressure us at all. In fact, what we hear most often is "you know, we can wait for grandkids." I know our parents want grandkids at some point and support us in everything we do, but they''re still working (well, my dad is semi-retired), not many of their friends have married kids nor grandchildren, and they know that we don''t really feel ready quite yet - so no rush all around.

 

[littlelysser]

Sabine - I was always pretty much in the NO BABY camp. For like 31 of my 34 years. So my parents NEVER pressured me or even said a word to me about it. I went to law school, worked at a big firm...kids were SO not part of what I wanted. My mom even told her friends that there were few things in life she was sure of - and one of those things was that I wouldn''t have kids.

Come to find out she was wrong.

When I told her I''d had a change of heart and DH was slowly coming around, she was pretty shocked. And repeatedly asked if I was sure it was what I wanted, since DH and I have a good thing going, and having a kid changes your life forever...I was a bit upset at her lack of reaction. The more I talked to her about it, I learned that a lot of it came from the fact that my dad (who is a wonderful man) didn''t give my mom much support in the child raising area and it was really quite hard for her. I think she projected a bit of her experience onto my possible experience, if that makes sense. And she didn''t want me to feel any pressure to do the same thing.

Of course, I''m now prego and they are thrilled beyond belief...

But I understand what you are saying.

 

[snlee]

We didn''t have pressure. If anything, my mom felt I was too young to get married and have a baby. I think it''s good you don''t have any pressure. I''d prefer no pressure than pressure any day! Marriage and babies are a huge decision and only the two of you can decide on when the time is right.

 

[CJ2008]

No pressure...and that''s how I like it...

My parents never pressured me to get married (I''m in my late 30s) and now that I''m married, they''re not pressuring us to have babies. They would LOVE it if I got pregnant, I''m sure (they adore my sister''s daughter) but they know I''m pretty career-oriented and that if I''m not saying anything it must not be time yet (even though the bio clock doesn''t give me much more time...but it''s not really something I discuss with them)

 

[KimberlyH]

I recieved absolutely no pressure to get married and while I know my mom and dad would like for us to have children they''ve never said so. I appreciate that they respect our privacy as a couple, the need for us to decide what is best rather than feeling the obligation to fulfill their desires, and it makes me want to share things with them (like the fact that we have decided to have a child at some point).

 

[curlygirl]

No pressure to get married or have children here. And DH and I are on the "older" side--35 (me) and 36 (him) when we got married, first baby at 36, second baby at 37. Nobody ever pushed us into any of it and I''m quite grateful for that!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

No pressure here from either set of parents--our parents encourage us to continue to travel and enjoy our first few years of marriage. My mom always tells me that if the baby bug bites, then great--if not, that''s fine, too. I appreciate that both sets of parents are of the non-meddling variety.

Sabine, I have a feeling that the lack of any pressure has a great deal to do with the fact that you guys are still so young. Our families always say that our 20''s are for experiencing life and our 30''s are for experiencing children. I have no doubt your parents know that you will make fantastic parents, they just feel no need to pressure!

 

[Octavia]

My dad has never put any pressure on me whatsoever -- in fact, I don''t think he''d have minded if I''d waited until I was 40 to get engaged. My mom, on the other hand, has been pressuring me about grandkids since I graduated from college (note: at the time, I hadn''t dated anyone seriously for several years and wasn''t dating anyone seriously at the time...which never seemed to register with her). Luckily, my grandma (dad''s mom) of all people backed me up when I told my mom to cut it out. Grandma married young, dropped out of college, and had kids right away. I don''t think she regrets the way her life turned out, but she was definitely cheering me on to take some time for myself, go for a professional degree, and feel really ready before getting married and having kids.

My mom did back off, but now that we''ve set a date and booked a venue, I can see it creeping up again...not looking forward to after the wedding. Hopefully dad will keep her in line

 

[miraclesrule]

I bet if my daughter''s ovaries could talk, they would scream at me "Put the Vice down, my neurons are numb"

 

[diamondfan]

Not sure, but maybe they are trying really hard NOT to be PITA''s about babies. Some parents have babies on the brain when they marry off a child, and many newlyweds complain about just how obnoxious it is to always hear questions about having babies...so maybe they are just being extra careful to leave you guys alone...but once you are pregnant their excitement will be there.

 

[Efe]

Date: 8/28/2008 10:35:25 PM
Author: diamondfan
Not sure, but maybe they are trying really hard NOT to be PITA''s about babies. Some parents have babies on the brain when they marry off a child, and many newlyweds complain about just how obnoxious it is to always hear questions about having babies...so maybe they are just being extra careful to leave you guys alone...but once you are pregnant their excitement will be there.

As usual, I agree with Diamondfan. I absolutely would be thrilled to become a grandmother, but I NEVER say anything to my sons and/or their wives because it really is none of my business and I don''t ever want them to feel pressured.

 

[diamondfan]

Bizou, that is what makes sense to me. I cannot imagine a parent not being excited about grandkids. I just think they are likely going to one extreme in an effort to be very mellow about the topic. When people find themselves trying so hard NOT to do something, they often swing to the other end of the spectrum. So, if they are trying not to put pressure on you guys, they might be going too far overboard and not saying anything at ALL about it.

 

[ladypirate]

My family doesn''t get on us about it and his dad doesn''t. His mom has mentioned a couple of times that she''s looking forward to us getting married, but she doesn''t push it. His grandmother on the other hand is ready for us to get married and start poppin'' out babies ASAP. It''s actually very sweet--we''re not sure how long she''ll be around for (she''s turning 90 this year), so when we were there last, bf went and visited her one day and told her we''re planning on getting married in a couple of years and whatnot. I think it put her mind at ease a bit, although we''ll see if she keeps asking about the kid part!

 

[Pandora II]

Both of our parents were fine about it - but then we are both one of 4.

My younger sister got married 8 years ago and has 2 kids already so my parents had had the wedding/grandchildren thing.

They always hoped that I would find someone who would make me happy and I think they worried when I was 32, pretty much single, ill and living at home with them.


The only person I got huge amounts of pressure from was my grandmother (who I''ve probably only met 30 odd times in my life). She started having a go at me when I was 22. By the time I hit 30 she had decided that I would never get married - and anyway, no man would want me because I''d had several serious relationships.

Her pressure was nothing to do with my happiness or well-being but because she likes boxes ticked in the right order...

 

[mimzy]

the only pressure my parents have ever put on me went in the opposite direction, to NOT get married (for at least another two years). and now that we're engaged they say no babies for at least five

. i just said if that they won't be ready for grandbabies for at least five years than i'll just hang on to them until they are ready to meet them, so there won't be any pressure on them

. but i'm the youngest of four and four (two step brothers on each side) and i'm sure that they would prefer to see the three older ones who have been married for a while get pregnant first!

maybe your parents are quiet about it because they were pressured themselves by their own parents and are just cognoscente of the stress that can add to a newlywed's life! are any of their friends grandparents yet?

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I was 22 (almost 23) when I got married, I''m 26 now and just delivered my first child 8 weeks ago. He''s the first grandchild on my side and the fifth on DH''s side. My mom pressured us a little bit to start a family but DH''s family did not. When my mom pressed the issue I told her a string of "excuses" - not enough money, we are *still* renting and we have (four-legged) kids already. Eventually I came around, got pregnant and here we are today. I think she just really wanted grandkids and, well, my sister (24) hasn''t even had a serious boyfriend yet so it was up to me. DH''s parents didn''t really care either way since they already had 4 grandkids - even though they live 4 hours away.

Diva

 

[tenfour]

no pressure at all. we told them that we are only interested in canines and they accept our choice.

 

[~*Snow*~]

Mine didn''t! Everyone is still pretty nonchalant about us being engaged. Everyone is happy for us, and we''re over the moon, but really we aren''t planing anything any time soon, and both of us are very independent, and one day we''ll prolly just walk by city hall and decide to get married. I think our families know that too.

The ONLY thing ever mention about babies was from my grandmother, bless her heart. She asked me not to long ago when she''ll have "some little ones running around again?". She''s cute, and means well. And well i''m the first girl in the family, she had all boys, and i have nothing but male cousins, so she''s really wants to have another little girl around i''m sure.

 

[icekid]

No pressure here- my parents nor my hubby''s parents have asked us once about if/when grandchildren will appear. However... I would like to start harassing my SIL to have a baby, since we won''t be having any for a while