Anyone elses DH or SO do this?

[Ara Ann]

Kind of long, but some back story first...

So. I am throwing a surprise anniversary party for my parents at our house this Sunday, with about 40 people coming.

About two months ago, I started repainting and decorating the main floor of our house...which includes DH''s office, dining room, family room and our library (my office). After I got the family room and office done, I got the flu and bronchitis and hadn''t done the other rooms. This flu hit about a week after I announced the party plans and I couldn''t cancel. I caught the flu from DH, so we were both very useless for about 12 days.

Now, this week, with the party deadline looming and half my house re-done and the other half in shambles etc., I am starting to feel the pressure and I ASK DH for help. I started back with the painting etc., Monday, before I was really feeling great. DH also went back to work, still feeling cruddy...we''ve both been crabby and stressed out the last week. Yesterday he had a horrible day and so did I...I was trying to be understanding of him, but feel like he wasn''t there for me. My bad day consisted of painting my office FOUR times, because the dark paint I was using dried all patchy and uneven. I worked on it for 11 hours! I was exhausted last night and all I wanted was a pat on the back...didn''t get one. I had to pat his back because HE was upset.


Now today, I needed DH''s help to put the library shelving units back into place...he came home on his lunch hour to do this, but complained and moaned the whole time! What the heck?


It seems to happen every time I get stressed, HE gets upset and stressed out too...he becomes more of a problem than a help!

Does anyone else have that happen too? Does your DH or SO get stressed out and crabby under pressure, or if you are under pressure? Just wondering if I am married to the only jerk in the world.

 

[cellososweet]

My DH used to do this until I talked to him about it.

We all have our bad days and we all need our time to vent, moan, and be cranky. But, we also have to think about our significant others. I told DH that I felt like he was always trying to one up me. I had a headache, he had the WORST headache EVER! I had a cough, he had the flu. Ugh! I love DH, but I find that the men in my family at least are such babies sometimes. I had a bad day at work, "Well. . . listen to this!" Eventually I just told him that I''d gladly "listen to this," but that I needed him to listen to me first if I started the conversation. I always started by asking him how his day was and he''d say "good," so I thought I had the floor. But the minute I''d bring up something negative, he''d try to butt in. I told him that it was so irritating that every conversation that started with me as the topic turned into him as the topic. It made me feel that my feelings were being devalued.

I told him that I understood that he has bad days too and if he wants to vent, he''s more than welcome to and I''ll listen or leave him alone or whatever he needs. But, he needs to be open with me and he needs to be honest if his day is bad so I don''t feel like he''s trying to one-up an awful situation.

Does that make sense?

 

[tlh]

do the housework naked.... might be how I got my DH to vaccuum, dust, do the laundry, dishes etc... Yup, it really is THAT easy.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 9/24/2009 4:53:12 PM
Author: tlh
do the housework naked.... might be how I got my DH to vaccuum, dust, do the laundry, dishes etc... Yup, it really is THAT easy.

Ew... dust balls!

lol, couldn''t resist. Sorry.

 

[tlh]

Date: 9/24/2009 4:58:44 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 9/24/2009 4:53:12 PM
Author: tlh
do the housework naked.... might be how I got my DH to vaccuum, dust, do the laundry, dishes etc... Yup, it really is THAT easy.

Ew... dust balls!

lol, couldn''t resist. Sorry.

HAHA funny!!!

and gross... actually I just would walk around take my clothes off and start the laundry, and ask for help... then usually he is interested... and what not.... painting neckid could be a LOT of fun!

 

[TooPatient]

Yay!!!!!

Sorry. Don''t mean to be too excited here but....
I''M NOT ALONE!!!

B does this too. It is so frustrating.


We both had the flu a few months ago. Very sick. We were both home from work too sick to move.
But someone had to make tea. And toast. And whatever bland food we could stomach. And laundry (after several weeks this wasn''t optional). Etc....

Who do you think that was?
Yep.

He put water on to heat for tea once and the entire time he moaned and said how much it hurts to move.

Men are the biggest babies when they are sick.

 

[Allisonfaye]

I can understand this because my DH isn''t the best at making me feel better when I am not in the best of moods. I have literally tried to teach him what I specifically need. He has gotten better. I think it is key that he can see success. For example, I sometimes get upset because he can be kind of distant. I would bring it up to him and we would have a huge fight because he would get all defensive. The last time it happened, he sat me down and asked what I needed. It made a HUGE difference and I was happy and HE SAW THAT. Guys need to be successful. I know it is stupid. But that''s how they think.

Maybe you can discuss this with your DH when you are both in a better frame of mind. And approach if from a standpoint of " I really need you to be supportive when I am having a bad day'' or whatever. Don''t say something like "You are never supportive''. Start with " I need''.

Sorry if this seems all over the place. I am exhausted and my 5 year old is talking to me.

 

[Ara Ann]

Thanks for chiming in ladies, both with your input and humor! I appreciate the chance to vent and to be heard and understood! And I''m glad I''m not the only one that goes through this!


I''m a big believer in reciprocation in marriage... I am there for him because I want to be there for him and I also expect him to be there for me when I need him...but it seems that when I am down or stressed, he doesn''t ''let me'' have that time OR support me through it the way I support him, it''s still about ''him''. I have told him what I need and he gets it for the moment, LOL, but it seems to ''poof'' out of his head when I am in the midst of a crisis! For crying out loud, my entire family and his parents will all be here Sunday for dinner and our house is a total disaster! Doesn''t he see I need help, without me having to ask for it!?!?? Then when I do ask, he gets all crabby and just nasty about it. SO frustrating.


All I better hear from him when he comes in after work is a big and sincere "I''m sorry"! If he doesn''t offer it, he is going to be on the couch tonight.

BTW, he DID empty the dishwasher last night...and I was ALL OVER that, thanking him again and again...I DID appreciate that gesture, but I mean, our KIDS could have done that, LOL! So gratitude for what he DOES do, still isn''t enough of a pay off I guess.

 

[4ever]

I am in my last semester of uni before I graduate and they've really pilled on the workload. I get really stressed out when somthings due. BF hates it when I'm stressed out from uni work and turns into such a baby sometimes and needs lots of love and attention. I'ts just so frustrating at times because I'm thinking "I just spent 12 hours in an edit suite or I've been shooting and lugging gear around since 6am and you've been walking round town shopping.....why do YOU feel YOU need a massage?!". I know me being stressed out upsets him a bit but seriously, I don't want to come home late at night after a long sh!#y day and massage his head for an hour while we watch a film.

 

[Ara Ann]

Update...DH came home and apologized.

And is out picking up dinner so I don''t have to cook (have had a massive headache all day, since his temper tantrum!)...and he also told our son to ''be ready to work after dinner'' - ...LOL...I must have put the fear of God in him with the pointed e-mail I sent him. I don''t do that often, but will when necessary!

And about doing housework naked, I told him HE''LL have to vacuum naked if he doesn''t shape up, LOL! (just kidding...but it''s an idea!)

I hope I get everything done tomorrow, since today is shot...ugh.


Thanks again everyone for your replies! Sometimes we need to remember, guys are guys...ugh again.

 

[Porridge]

Glad you worked it out! I'm chiming in late to reassure you that you're not alone. I don't know if it's a competitive thing or what! But FI ALWAYS gets sick shortly after I announce I'm not feeling well. His day was always worse than mine. Grrr!!

I'm not being fair - he really is very good to me when I'm stressed or sick, but I definitely do see it sometimes, and it is totally a man thing.

Idiots.

ETA, by the way, my FI has always been good with housework, but he recently read an article about how men get more lovin' the more they help out at home. I think there's been a few such articles since. Have a quick search for that...my FI really took it on board, it's great!

 

[phoenixgirl]

Glad your DH shaped up! And I''m sure the party will be great!

I threw my parents a surprise 40th anniversary party two years ago, and then my dad died unexpectedly ten months later. One of the first things my mom said was that she was so glad they had had that party. What''s important is the memories and honoring your parents; remember, most people won''t notice all the little details that you are wishing you could make perfect right now. So do what you can and don''t worry about the rest! It''s about the people who love your parents coming together to celebrate them. Enjoy it!

 

[Stone Hunter]

I''m so pleased that he has "seen the light!" At least long enough to get you throught the party. Enjoy the party!!

 

[jewelerman]

remember that not all hard to deal with SO are male there is a fair share of females that dont contribute fairly in the relationship all the time!

that being said its good that your DH saw the light.Also dont worry so much about your house and the party...stuff happens and your family will understand because you have been ill...if they dont then its their problem!Call a few family members and ask for some help pulling this party off!

 

[Cehrabehra]

Mine does this too - he would complain at christmas time when I was doing all of this stuff to make the house look pretty, plan for get togethers, etc. and tell me I was stressing out and stressing him out... well to ME it was part of the joy - the stress of doing it was part of it but it was bringing it all to fruition. He''d say life isn''t a norman rockwell painting and I''d say well if you work hard enough you can make it look like one @@ Apparently all of my stress upset him. Poor baby!

 

[Ara Ann]

Wow!! Thanks for the GREAT replies everyone!!! I truly appreciate all the feedback and support! Sometimes you just wonder, "does anyone else go through this, or is it just ME!?"

And thankfully I got LOTS done yesterday and have the whole day today (with hubby''s help, LOL!) and everything should be in good order for the party tomorrow! I am actually looking forward to it now!!!

And yes, I tend to ''plan things'' and start projects for said plans...then something usually happens to throw me into a tizzy! This is no different I suppose...but it will be a lot of fun AND my parents will be TOTALLY shocked and hopefully will enjoy everything too!

Thanks again, PS-ers are the best!!!

 

[isaku5]

My hubby''s exactly the same as everyone else''s who posted - tells me not to get stressed, but does nada to help out.

Bless you, dear, for throwing an an anniversary party for your parents!!!!!! Our kids have never done that for us. My mom took the family out to a great restaurant for our 25th

. Kids'' SO''s invited too and came.

For our 40th, my hubby was certain that our daughter had a surprise party in mind, but nope

For our 45th, again hubby had high hopes. Our son and his wife phoned and sent a card; daughter sent a card, but no phone call on the day of

Our 50th is fast approaching and I''m thinking that the two of us should just take a trip together

without saying a word to those ingrates (harsh?

Mehbee...Give me a seco..Nope!!)

Sorry for the threadjack, AraAnn. Could we adopt you????

 

[Ara Ann]

Date: 9/26/2009 8:30:40 PM
Author: isaku5
My hubby''s exactly the same as everyone else''s who posted - tells me not to get stressed, but does nada to help out.


Bless you, dear, for throwing an an anniversary party for your parents!!!!!! Our kids have never done that for us. My mom took the family out to a great restaurant for our 25th

. Kids'' SO''s invited too and came.


For our 40th, my hubby was certain that our daughter had a surprise party in mind, but nope

For our 45th, again hubby had high hopes. Our son and his wife phoned and sent a card; daughter sent a card, but no phone call on the day of

Our 50th is fast approaching and I''m thinking that the two of us should just take a trip together

without saying a word to those ingrates (harsh?

Mehbee...Give me a seco..Nope!!)


Sorry for the threadjack, AraAnn. Could we adopt you????

Hi Isabel! I''m sorry you haven''t had a special anniversary party...drop some hints to your family and see what happens I guess! This was my parents'' 60th anniversary!! (actually, it''s not until February, but they are in Florida all winter so I wanted to do this before they left!).

The party went GREAT! My parents were TOTALLY surprised and thrilled! And the cake (a wedding style cake), which is what was really important to me, was just beautiful! So thrilled it all went well...and that DH was SO helpful all day, LOL! Happy he got his crabbiness out of his system ahead of time!

And Isabel, I ALSO planned a dinner celebration for my in-laws 50th, they hit the big 5-0 in August, but they were in CA and also went to Hawaii with DH''s brother and his wife....I told my MIL we''d have them over for a nice dinner (I had it set up for next weekend) in honor of their 50th and to see their vacation pics, but she doesn''t want to come, she ''made other plans.'' Ugh. I guess after their big vacation and trip to Maui, a dinner party at our house doesn''t rate. Oh well. I wish SHE''D appreciate me.

Maybe you can adopt me, if I can adopt you!

 

[isaku5]

Date: 9/28/2009 2:56:35 PM
Author: Ara Ann

Date: 9/26/2009 8:30:40 PM
Author: isaku5
My hubby''s exactly the same as everyone else''s who posted - tells me not to get stressed, but does nada to help out.


Bless you, dear, for throwing an an anniversary party for your parents!!!!!! Our kids have never done that for us. My mom took the family out to a great restaurant for our 25th

. Kids'' SO''s invited too and came.


For our 40th, my hubby was certain that our daughter had a surprise party in mind, but nope

For our 45th, again hubby had high hopes. Our son and his wife phoned and sent a card; daughter sent a card, but no phone call on the day of

Our 50th is fast approaching and I''m thinking that the two of us should just take a trip together

without saying a word to those ingrates (harsh?

Mehbee...Give me a seco..Nope!!)


Sorry for the threadjack, AraAnn. Could we adopt you????

Hi Isabel! I''m sorry you haven''t had a special anniversary party...drop some hints to your family and see what happens I guess! This was my parents'' 60th anniversary!! (actually, it''s not until February, but they are in Florida all winter so I wanted to do this before they left!).

The party went GREAT! My parents were TOTALLY surprised and thrilled! And the cake (a wedding style cake), which is what was really important to me, was just beautiful! So thrilled it all went well...and that DH was SO helpful all day, LOL! Happy he got his crabbiness out of his system ahead of time!

And Isabel, I ALSO planned a dinner celebration for my in-laws 50th, they hit the big 5-0 in August, but they were in CA and also went to Hawaii with DH''s brother and his wife....I told my MIL we''d have them over for a nice dinner (I had it set up for next weekend) in honor of their 50th and to see their vacation pics, but she doesn''t want to come, she ''made other plans.'' Ugh. I guess after their big vacation and trip to Maui, a dinner party at our house doesn''t rate. Oh well. I wish SHE''D appreciate me.

Maybe you can adopt me, if I can adopt you!

Maybe a word in defense of your MIL - no, changed my mind

Yes, I''m sure that a mutual adoption could be arranged. I''ve been told by my DIL that I make a far better mom than her own

. On the other hand, I doubt that my SIL would say the same