Anybody out there experianced in baby momma drama?

[stepcutgirl]

I've been with my bf for almost 4 years now and still there is drama with his childs mother. She tells his son constantly that I am a bad person and that I don't love him and that it's my fault that her and his father are not together. Any good progress I make with him over a weekend is undone come Monday. We have him Mon, Wed, Thurs and every other weekend. She denies to the hilt that she says these things about me but nobody else would have reason to say it. Well, his grandmother as well says things like "Nana said you're the devil and I don't wanna go to hell so I can't play with you". He is 4! She has a serious live in boyfriend! They have gone to mediation over this before but she denies it and they can't prove it. Sigh...the kid is a jerk to me but loves on every other female around. Has anybody else been down this road? How did you handle it?

PS-I am not the reason he is not with her. They had a brief fling but never dated. He has been around for everything. They had no relationship for me to "take" him from her.

ETA-Experienced, not experianced in the title. sorry.

 

[atroop711]

wow I feel for that kid...what a head trip they (the mom and grandmother) are pulling on him. They are ruining his little mind. That''s so sad. I hope others with experience can chime in. I HATE when so adults use the children to fight dirty. To me this not only unkind but unfit to do to small and impressionable child.

All you can do is to continue to be the nice good person (even if it gets hard to do)...hopefully this child will eventually see that his mom is lying and will make up his own mind. GL

 

[stepcutgirl]

Date: 7/19/2009 7:32:22 PM
Author: atroop711
wow I feel for that kid...what a head trip they (the mom and grandmother) are pulling on him. They are ruining his little mind. That''s so sad. I hope others with experience can chime in. I HATE when so adults use the children to fight dirty. To me this not only unkind but unfit to do to small and impressionable child.


All you can do is to continue to be the nice good person (even if it gets hard to do)...hopefully this child will eventually see that his mom is lying and will make up his own mind. GL

I agree. I get so upset over it. She is trying to get to me and while she may have done that, she is harming him and making him deal with adult issues. My bf has told her time and time again that this is messing with his head and it isn''t right and she usually says that while she didn''t say it..he isn''t saying anything that isn''t true and I am a bad person so it''s "good he understands that".

Bf tells me to take a deep breath and that one day his son will understand and can make up his own mind. That isn''t ok with me though. Growing up my grandma didn''t like my dad and would tell my older sister bad things about my dad. My sister is 32 now and still is brought to tears when it is discussed. So I know that just because he will grow up and make his own decision will not take away the abuse he will have endured.

 

[D&T]

oh, I''m so sorry about this. Sounds like the mom still has some serious issues about moving forward. I can''t imagine my ex- BIL saying this about my sister''s new husband, she has two kids. Goodness, all I can say is hang in there, eventually the kid will see how wonderfully nice you are and that you truly love him.

 

[*Danielle*]

That poor child. I don''t know what to say other than maybe trying to be extra nice to him when he is with you? A couple of trips to Chucky Cheese never hurts.

 

[House Cat]

This is horrible.

I''m wondering first if a more consistent schedule would help. Meaning, three days in a row instead of every other day. It might help to establish more of a bond. It sounds like a chaotic schedule for the little guy anyway.

Then, I must reinforce that the mother and grandmother are seriously damaging this child. You must discuss this with your bf. As his father, he should be taking charge of this situation. His child''s mental health and wellbeing is at stake here. If it were me, I would be consulting with a family therapist. I couldn''t sit back and allow anyone, including a parent of my child to mess with my child''s mind this way. I''m not saying take the baby to therapy. I''m saying speak with a family therapist to figure out the best way to handle this situation.

As for you, if it were me, I would continue to handle myself with grace. Show the little one that you are loving and firm. Don''t bribe or allow anything that you wouldn''t normally, but shower with love every chance you get.


Yes, I have had to deal with baby mama drama. I have found the best thing to do is to love the children with all of my heart. Keep my opinions about the mother to myself in the presence of the children because you don''t want to insult their very DNA. Handle adult issues with the adults and keep the kids out of it. When in the presence of the mother, try to be as friendly/sticky sweet as possible, it''s really better for the kids. And always, ALWAYS keep the kid''s best interest at heart. Sometimes, that means swallowing a huge lump of pride, but who cares? The only thing that really matters are the kids.

 

[swingirl]

Sorry for your situation. But I wouldn''t expect a 4 year old with divorced parents to accept you into his heart. You may or may not end up being his stepmother. Are you living with your boyfriend? If you are that is very confusing for a young kid. The time he has with his dad is hard to share with another adult. Sounds like he has to share his mom, too, with her boyfriend. Poor kid.

If he is 4 and you''ve been together for 4 years does that mean that you met your BF while the 4 year old''s mother was pregnant?

 

[stepcutgirl]

Date: 7/19/2009 10:30:25 PM
Author: swingirl
Sorry for your situation. But I wouldn''t expect a 4 year old with divorced parents to accept you into his heart. You may or may not end up being his stepmother. Are you living with your boyfriend? If you are that is very confusing for a young kid. The time he has with his dad is hard to share with another adult. Sounds like he has to share his mom, too, with her boyfriend. Poor kid.


If he is 4 and you''ve been together for 4 years does that mean that you met your BF while the 4 year old''s mother was pregnant?

Yes, his father and I met when his childs mother was pregnant. They were never dating and certainly never married so there is no divorced issues there. The child and I have been together since he was born and never had any issues until about last year when he started being able to understand what his mother was telling him.

 

[Richard Sherwood]

It takes time, and consistent parenting, to make a difference in a young child''s life.

My stepdaughter (now 36) was 4 years old when her mom and I got together.

It took me until she was 17 to win her over, and I didn''t even have all the mom/grandma drama to work against.

Unconditional love is the key.

 

[Sabine]

You should force her to watch the episodes of Desperate Housewives where Tom''s daughter comes to live with him and Lynette and eventually tries to hurt their other kids because her mom poisoned her against Lynette and she eventually goes to live somewhere else! (j/k!)

Sorry you are going through this. I think the only thing you can do is try to be consistent in the way you treat and speak to this kid and he will eventually learn that he can trust you. Good luck!

 

[QueenB29]

No kids, but I agree with House Cat that a counselor may be in order. See if your BF can have it court-ordered. A trained child therapist may be able to help the child open up about who is telling him these things and testify how it can impact him emotionally. That might give you more ammunition if your BF pushed for more (or full) custody. I feel so sorry for that little boy. He''s probably terribly confused.

 

[Lorelei]

That Grandmother should be kept well away from this child

HOW DARE SHE terrify an innocent 4 year old by saying that you are the devil and he won't go to heaven by spending time with you???? Good grief!!! Any way the Father can get custody?

 

[Ellen]

Date: 7/20/2009 8:36:42 AM
Author: Lorelei
That Grandmother should be kept well away from this child

HOW DARE SHE terrify an innocent 4 year old by saying that you are the devil and he won't go to heaven by spending time with you???? Good grief!!! Any way the Father can get custody?

NO kidding. Some people need to grow up here, and it's not the 4 year old.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine grown ups behaving this way. My parents split up when I was 6, but one thing they never did, was speak ill about the other, to, or in front of me. While I realized as I got older what a good thing this was, as I got to form my "own" opinions of everyone, when I read things like this, it makes me appreciate the restraint they showed even more. And it must have been tough to do, it was a VERY bitter divorce that took 3 years to finalize.

Just off the top of my head (it's early!), I tend to agree with Rich. Just keep showing him love, and eventually he's going to realize that the bad things he's hearing from others, aren't adding up to what he is actually getting from you. And hang in there, I can only imagine how tough this must be. (and counceling would be good, IF you can get it done)

 

[Erin]

We have been dating for almost 2.5 years and his boys are 6 and 9. She will say things like, Oh is Starset going to the ballgame? Well, you''d better bring your earphones and iPod and something to play with in the car so you don''t get bored. It''s entirely my BFs fault though. He has not introduced us. I know what she looks like, but I wouldn''t feel comfortable walking up and talking to her because I feel we should be formally introduced - and not in front of the kids.

She tells them things like I know I miss Daddy, too. I wish he would move back home. What the kids don''t know is that SHE filed for divorce because she found someone better - although in the end the grass was not greener and now wants him back which makes me the evil incarnate. Same thing here - it''s like starting over every time I''m around them, but after 10-15 minutes we''re fine.

The only thing I can suggest is to be consistent, be friendly, do not compete with being a better motherly figure - just be his friend. Do not talk to the child about what Mom or Grandma is saying. Ignore it. Just be the best friend and caretaker you can be. As he grows older he will be able to form his own opinion and he will be able to look back and say Stepcut was always kind and helpful and nice and she took good care of me. She never talked bad about my Mom or Grandma. I believe she had my best interest at heart. And it is only over time will you ever win the war - despite unfairly losing battle after battle.

 

[stepcutgirl]

Thanks everyone. I agree I''d like him to be able to get some counseling but every time bf and the childs mother have gone to mediation it is never court ordered. I think it isn''t because his son isn''t at mediation or able to speak to the mediator or judge so it is bf''s word against hers and unfortunately moms tend to trump dads with kids. We are going to seek more custody after we get married and can show that we have a good home. Not full custody, despite how much I dislike her I think every kid needs his mom but down the middle shared custody.