another kid Q...any friends/relatives that you know regret

[AGBF]

Some people take parenting more "seriously" than other people. I am not referring to the "less serious" people as being on the end of the continuum where there is child abuse. I am referring to an area more towards the middle. There is a middle area where some people have children and raise them "easily" and life tends to "magical" and the parents are still responsible. One of my good friends growing up was one of nine. I am in close touch with her right now as an adult since she has health issues. She and her siblings agree that their mother was great with babies, but not as great with children as they got older. Believe me, they were not saying their mother was abusive! They all gathered together for a birthday party every year of this woman's life! I was in her home all the time. She wanted to adopt more children at one point but was told that she already had too many biological children to adopt! She was a lovely woman! But she didn't keep track of every child and every child's progress in every field...how could she? It is interesting to me that of the nine, only three had biological children of their own. One had two chidren. The other two had one child each.

Some parents try more than others to watch over their children as they grow and look out more than others do for the emotional and academic problems they are encountering. They are more protective, less laissez-faire. Those parents tend to worry more about each child and if they children with serious problems: physical, academic, or emotional, life with their children becomes less "magical" and is sometimes terrifying. My own mother did not taking parenting lightly. She warned me that being a parent stretched you in ways you didn't didn't think you could be stretched. My father kept questioning whether I was "ready" to have children as I got older and older! In the end it was probably good that I had the age and experience I did at my command to face parenting because I was handed more than I expected. When you love your child there is nothing worse than to see him suffer and to be helpless, unable to fix the problem. All you can do is take it day by day.

AGBF

 

[charbie]

Date: 6/9/2010 1:26:17 AM
Author: IndyLady

Date: 6/8/2010 10:24:24 PM

Author: Galateia

Date: 6/8/2010 9:45:24 PM


Author: february2003bride


Yes, DH''s closest friend of the last 25 years. She and her DH decided not to have children, but rather be an amazing Aunt and Uncle to their nieces and nephews (and they are). Long story short, she was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer last year. She told DH that she wished they did have a child after all, because she was so worried about dying and leaving her DH alone. He''s very much an introvert and she was more scared about him being alone if she passed away from cancer (which she won''t, thank God) than from actually dying from cancer.

This upcoming rant isn''t against you, Feb2003, you reminded me that this line of reasoning really gets my goat! As a DINK by choice, I have heard variants on this sooo many times ''You will be alone when you''re old'', ''Who will take care of you when you are old'', ''Don''t you want to be surrounded by family when you''re old'' etc etc.



Children are not some sort of insurance policy. There is no guarantee that they will even LIKE you, let alone stick around if they do like you, let alone take care of you/keep you company when you are old. How many people here live in the same town as their parents? I adore my mother and hope to have her come live with us when she retires, but I live 1000 miles away. We will never settle close to his parents, despite their wishes. Many of my friends cannot STAND their parents and have not seen them for years, and have no intention of sharing their children''s lives with their parents if they do end up having kids.



What happens when kids grow up. They fly the nest and go their own way, then they stick your wrinkled behind in an old folks'' home. People have this fuzzy dream about being surrounded by adoring children and packs of cheerful grandkids- does YOUR family gatherings, IF they happen regularly, look like that??

And yet people trot out this chestnut EVERY TIME.



Having kids to keep yourself or your spouse company seems like really deluded thinking to me. People still cling to it though, even to the point of forgetting how they treated their own parents and grandparents.

My family is my insurance. They''re my support system. Sure, its not the same for everyone. But, just like there are some people whose families aren''t their support system, there are others whose families are their support system.


I do agree that there is no guarantee your children will like you and care for you when you''re older. I also don''t think that everyone must/should have kids.

Hmm. Ill be honest, I don''t really know anyone who can''t stand their parents. My husbands family (all the cousins, their kids, spouses, etc) get together for major holidays and even non major holidays. We even go to his aunts house frequently "just because" with his cousins. We do birthday parties at least every 3 months. Family is important bc we made it a part of our culture, and everyone would bend over backwards for one another. And yes, there have been many divorces, step kids thrown in the mix, ex''s and outlaws. When one cousin moved to Cali for a few years, nearly everyone made an effort to try and visit, often at the same time.
My mom has made a huge effort as well to make sure my sisters and I stay close. We don''t all live in the same area, but constant communication is key. So yes, I do believe that in some families, they do like each other, and it woudlt never be thought of that the kid didn''t like their parents. Kids don''t just hate their parents without reason.

 

[Haven]

I don''t know anyone who has regretted not having children. My mother has several very good friends from college who don''t have children. They are all extremely happy, and in fact they''re happier than most adults I know. (Interesting side note: Most of these childless adults are educators. I used to joke that teaching high school scared me away from having a child, but maybe that actually happened with them!)

I do know a few people who have regretted having children, most of them are the parents of adult children who are no longer a significant part of their lives. (Have you ever spent any time in an old folks'' home? And I mean *real* time? Have you ever really spoken to the people who live there? Many of them will be happy to tell you stories about children who have abandoned them when the going got tough. Or who live too far away to care for their aging parents. Or any number of reasons that people who have living adult children end up holed up in a home being cared for by strangers. I know they''re not all in there because their children won''t care for them, I do. But many of them are in there all alone even though they have capable, adult children.) (Has anyone read Water for Elephants? What a heartbreaking perspective from an elderly parent. That''s the story I''ve heard from so many elderly people in homes.)

DH and I are 40 and 29. We were on the fence for a while about children, but now we think we''ll start trying in a few years or so. That being said, a lot of people have made it their business to tell us why we NEED to have children, and we need to do it soon. It''s always so incredibly strange to me when I hear the "They make your life fulfilling" argument. I just don''t think that''s a good *reason* to have a child. (Perhaps it''s a side effect of having a child, but certainly it shouldn''t be a reason to do so.) That is so selfish. When DH and I have children it will be because we want to create a new life, and to give that new little person all of the care we can provide. We will do it when we''re ready to selflessly give everything we can to this child and expect nothing in return. If we go into parenting thinking about what *we* will get out of it, then I don''t think we''ll make very good parents at all.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 6/11/2010 3:24:00 PM
Author: Haven
I don''t know anyone who has regretted not having children. My mother has several very good friends from college who don''t have children. They are all extremely happy, and in fact they''re happier than most adults I know. (Interesting side note: Most of these childless adults are educators. I used to joke that teaching high school scared me away from having a child, but maybe that actually happened with them!)


I do know a few people who have regretted having children, most of them are the parents of adult children who are no longer a significant part of their lives. (Have you ever spent any time in an old folks'' home? And I mean *real* time? Have you ever really spoken to the people who live there? Many of them will be happy to tell you stories about children who have abandoned them when the going got tough. Or who live too far away to care for their aging parents. Or any number of reasons that people who have living adult children end up holed up in a home being cared for by strangers. I know they''re not all in there because their children won''t care for them, I do. But many of them are in there all alone even though they have capable, adult children.) (Has anyone read Water for Elephants? What a heartbreaking perspective from an elderly parent. That''s the story I''ve heard from so many elderly people in homes.)


DH and I are 40 and 29. We were on the fence for a while about children, but now we think we''ll start trying in a few years or so. That being said, a lot of people have made it their business to tell us why we NEED to have children, and we need to do it soon. It''s always so incredibly strange to me when I hear the ''They make your life fulfilling'' argument. I just don''t think that''s a good *reason* to have a child. (Perhaps it''s a side effect of having a child, but certainly it shouldn''t be a reason to do so.) That is so selfish. When DH and I have children it will be because we want to create a new life, and to give that new little person all of the care we can provide. We will do it when we''re ready to selflessly give everything we can to this child and expect nothing in return. If we go into parenting thinking about what *we* will get out of it, then I don''t think we''ll make very good parents at all.

I love how you expressed this, Haven...