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Am i being unreasonable?

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Abby12

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Apr 6, 2008
Messages
459
As many of you know, i am going through a crappy divorce. Anyway, over xmas i am doinf xmas eve dinner with my folks and immediate family. I had mentioned to my mom (when she asked me) not to invite extended fam this year as i just do not feel like facing everyone.
Well i iust found out she did it anyway. Ok not the end of the world. However, she suggested i just make an excuse as to why my hubby is not there!!!! Um excuse me! Cannot you not just tell them so i am not put in an awkward position! What if i break down crying?! I find that to be very insensitive. After i got upset she said she would tell them if i wanted, but then made a comment about me getting angry over everything.....it kind of hurts me that she is more worried about what others think , rather than how i feel....
 
Sorry your mom isn't being more supportive. Is there another family member you can trust who can explain the situation to everyone? Someone who won't make it about them or turn it into drama?
 
I may just not go.......way easier
 
I would just tell her, "I am going through a difficult time right now, and I don't think its unreasonable to have you put my feelings before your guests and be supportive. If you can't manage that, then I will happily not come as the last thing I need during the holiday is more stress."
 
Do you have friends you can spend the time with instead?
 
I'm sorry your mom is being like that. She sounds a lot of my mom so I understand what you are going through. My mom is always thinking of herself and the consequences of what will happen to her and what people will think of her. For me at least, it doesn't matter how much I explain to her. Once she is set in her ways, there's no stopping her. I don't know if this is how your mom is. If not, I would advise you to try to speak to her. You don't want to be spending Christmas alone or without family. You should have people around you during this time in your life.

But, if she doesn't budge. There's no need to continue to try to make her understand. She obviously doesn't right now. Divorce is NOTHING to be ashamed of. This is a brand new exciting forefront for you. Your mother should be proud that you had the guts to get out of a disastrous relationship. Not many women take that step. Please make sure you are not alone for Christmas. Maybe go to a friend's house. I'm sure they would love to have you.
 
Abby, you're not being unreasonable. I don't know your mom's age, but it might be a generational thing. My DH's grandmother (she's in her late 80's) does this kind of thing ALL the time. It's about putting on a perfect party (and receiving all the compliments about her cooking) vs. providing a loving environment for her children. We love her (and her cooking, not going to lie) but have learned that sometimes it's just not worth the fight.

Personally, I'd tell her that you're going to either come to the party and not lie about your life, or you're not coming. You understand her desire to not talk about unpleasant things at her gathering, but to be told to keep it a secret isn't supporting you. Do find friends though, please don't spend Christmas alone! I'm sure more than a few people in this world would be envious of your ability to spend the holiday having fun and laughing with good friends instead of crazy chaotic family. :loopy:

ETA: I would make it very clear to her though that you would LOVE to spend it with her, if she's willing to part with the notion that your divorce is some kind of "condition" to be hidden. :))
 
No time like the present to wipe the slate clean with the truth. I would tell her that I would not lie about it and in fact would inform all of the guests that you are in the midst of a divorce. It's your business and there is no sense in putting off the inevitable. They will know at some point anyway - might as well make it now. Then it's done, once and for all! Putting up a pretense of anything other than the truth is pointless and hurtful to you.
 
Ouch, Abby, I'm sorry that you are being put in an awkward position. I'm with MGR - the truth is always the better route to take. I'm sure the relatives can 'handle' the truth, but not sure why your mom would want to keep up some odd pretense of normalcy....

Go, tell the truth (before the dinner if that is easier for you) and hold your head up high. You don't have to go into any details, you just have to be polite and brief as to 'JA and I are divorcing - I'm happy to be spending Christmas with those I love" and smile. Don't say too much - you don't owe anyone an explanation.
 
no, you are not being unreasonable. if she didn't want people to know, she should have respected your request. she didn't. no need for you to lie.
 
Are you sure she didn't say that about making up an excuse about your ex so you wouldn't have to get into awkward personal issues at a holiday dinner? I totally agree that it is best for her to get the word out beforehand and not put you in a position to lie about it. But I also don't think if extended family normally gets together for Christmas Eve that it would work to just cancel that with no explanation. Best to just tell the truth and move forward.
 
Gypsy|1355435487|3330570 said:
I would just tell her, "I am going through a difficult time right now, and I don't think its unreasonable to have you put my feelings before your guests and be supportive. If you can't manage that, then I will happily not come as the last thing I need during the holiday is more stress."
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+1

So sorry to hear about what is happening. Holidays are to celebrate with whom we love. and maybe these holidays the person that needs most of the loving is YOU.

Since you have been put into this predicament, i think MGR has it right. No time like the present to be honest with yourself and your family.

MissGotRocks said:
No time like the present to wipe the slate clean with the truth. I would tell her that I would not lie about it and in fact would inform all of the guests that you are in the midst of a divorce. It's your business and there is no sense in putting off the inevitable. They will know at some point anyway - might as well make it now. Then it's done, once and for all! Putting up a pretense of anything other than the truth is pointless and hurtful to you.
Click to expand...

+1
 
You're not being the least bit unreasonable. It is her who is acting like a child. Divorce happens, and in some cases it is truly for the best. To lie and pretend like your husband is just 'absent' is not only uncomfortable, but it will also come back to make both you and her look bad. People will figure out what's going on, and they'll gossip. It's human nature. If you come right out and are open about the situation, that will head off any silly whispers. People, especially relatives, will be sympathetic and try to make your holiday that much more enjoyable if they understand what sort of a mindset you are in.

if your mother won't allow you to tell the truth, I wouldn't attend. I'd find a friend and spend my time with someone who accepts me, and my entire current life circumstance.

Good luck, I really hope she sees reason.
 
Thanks everyone! Nothing like PS for support! I thought perhaps it was just me!
I will talk to her again about it!
 
Abby12|1355432981|3330542 said:
As many of you know, i am going through a crappy divorce. Anyway, over xmas i am doinf xmas eve dinner with my folks and immediate family. I had mentioned to my mom (when she asked me) not to invite extended fam this year as i just do not feel like facing everyone.
Well i iust found out she did it anyway. Ok not the end of the world. However, she suggested i just make an excuse as to why my hubby is not there!!!! Um excuse me! Cannot you not just tell them so i am not put in an awkward position! What if i break down crying?! I find that to be very insensitive. After i got upset she said she would tell them if i wanted, but then made a comment about me getting angry over everything.....it kind of hurts me that she is more worried about what others think , rather than how i feel....
Click to expand...
What I would do is tell her that it's cancelled, and you're not having ANYONE over. Period. She can host everyone at her home, and you will do your own thing on your own.
 
Abby12|1355433587|3330553 said:
I may just not go.......way easier
Click to expand...

Good idea.
How dare she?

Look out for yourself.
Clearly, your mother isn't looking out for you.

I'm sorry you have to go through not only the divorce but also this unsupportive family crap that so often gets worse during holidays.
 
Abby - you're not being unreasonable in expecting your mother to be more understanding. However, the general rule would be - you can't control her reaction or who she invites to her shindig. The corollary, though, is that she can't control what you say, even while at her shindig. You do not have to lie about your divorce, nor do you have to say any more than you want to about it should someone get nosy. Go, be with your friends and family, and be prepared to say "I'd like to enjoy this evening, so I'm not going to say any more about the divorce." But I get the sense that you could use a few more sympathetic ears in your life right now (forgive me if I'm wrong here). Who knows, you might find some at your mother's get- together!
 
Abby, I don't think you're being unreasonably. Sorry to hear your mom is not being supportive during an already stressful time.

I hope you will be with friends and/ or family during the holidays. If anyone asks about your husband, just say you are getting a divorce and don't want to talk about it. Then immediately change the subject.

Plenty of people have things they don't want to talk about at social events. This is your thing right now. Most people respect others wishes when they say they don't want to discuss personal, private matters.
 
You are always welcome here! :halo:

(and we'll be singing Happy Birthday to ME!!!!....around a carrot cake with cream cheese icing, so that's a tad different than your traditional Christmas Eve with the family!!!)
 
Thanks Enerchi!

Anyway i spoke to my mom and she said she would notify the group of ppl coming over beforehand so that i did not have to. I am glad she saw it my way and agreed. :appl:
I took all if your advice and told her i would not come otherwise. Already bad enough i married a JA, i don't need the added stress of all the other BS! Thanks guys! PS is the best place to vent.....
 
We are here for you Abby!!! And that's awesome that your mom finally saw it your way - that's got to be a relief. Know that you always have an escape here!
 
Abby12|1355521892|3331525 said:
Anyway i spoke to my mom and she said she would notify the group of ppl coming over beforehand so that i did not have to. I am glad she saw it my way and agreed. :appl:
I took all if your advice and told her i would not come otherwise. Already bad enough i married a JA, i don't need the added stress of all the other BS! Thanks guys! PS is the best place to vent.....
Click to expand...

:appl: :appl: :appl:
 
Abby12|1355521892|3331525 said:
Thanks Enerchi!

Anyway i spoke to my mom and she said she would notify the group of ppl coming over beforehand so that i did not have to. I am glad she saw it my way and agreed. :appl:
I took all if your advice and told her i would not come otherwise. Already bad enough i married a JA, i don't need the added stress of all the other BS! Thanks guys! PS is the best place to vent.....
Click to expand...


:appl: :appl: :appl:
 
Glad to hear your mom changed her mind after you talked with her. I hope you enjoy the holiday gathering.
 
My mother - - had she completely disregarded my desire to be "just family" at Christmas - - and had done the exact opposite of what she knew I would be comfortable with - - would either have to disinvite "extended family", or she would not see me on Christmas Eve.

I don't know how old you are. But, trust me, start early with making your wishes known, your intentions clear, and be prepared to follow through. Family will ALWAYS be the people who take you the most for granted . . . if you let them. You are quite correct; your feelings did not matter to your mother; she went ahead and did what she wanted anyway.

I know I sound harsh. Maybe it is from years of experience in being the one family member who always seemed to have to just "suck it up". I regret not finding a "pair" earlier in life.

Your mother didn't mean any harm, mind you. She just did what she wanted to do. So tell her that's fine, as long as she knows you won't be there . . . because that's what you want to do, now, since she screwed up your Christmas. Fa-la-la.
 
You are a kind woman to even show up at her house after that, Abby. I think I would have told her I wasn't coming at all. It is totally
understandable and reasonable for you not to want to do a big family thing this year. I have had a few years that I didn't want to do it for one reason or another. Sometimes things in life trump festivities and that is okay!!!! Sometimes my own family doesn't get it. Those who
aren't feeling the same amount of pain as you don't see things quite the same way. It may not be intentional, but it is still hard.

I hope you get though the holiday okay, and 2013 turns out to be a much much happier year for you!
 
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