Wedding Am I being immature?

[scarlet16]

So as a disclaimer, I''ve been trying to figure out this issue while studying for the NY bar so I''m not sure if I''m just being sensitive. Honest opinions please.

My FI''s sister (who is in the wedding) has been dating a guy on and off for less than a year. She lived with us up until 2 weeks ago. 3 months into their relationship, his lease ended and he moved in with us (yes, if you''re keeping count, that''s 4 people in a tiny NYC apartment). Our understanding was it would be for maybe a week or so...it turned into close to 2 months. He didn''t pay rent at all nor did he offer to, plus I got a sense of his really bad personality. From that alone, it left a sour taste in my mouth.

Then by 4 months in they were fighting non-stop, with him acting HORRIBLY to her; crying almost every day, etc. Then they were on and off for a few months, before he finally called it off. She was upset obviously but 2 things made more things made me have VERY bad view of him and I have taken a severe disliking to him: he was verbally abusive during the breakup calling her a stalker and crazy among the least) and 2 weeks after the break up, he proceeds to ask for her co-worker''s phone number!

So they apparently have gotten back together (despite all the nastiness on his part). She asked her brother if the boyfriend could come to the wedding. He said yes initially, but I really really don''t want him there so I told her last night no he can''t. Was I being unreasonable to tell her he can''t come? I know my FI is now going to have to answer to his mom as to why I don''t want him there.

My biggest concern is possibly influencing my FI''s parents views of the guy since they''ve only met him in passing once. I know that''s not my place. But I really don''t want him at my wedding. He is just bad news - oh did I mention that he can''t hold a job and drinks way too much.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/22/2008 1:18:12 PM
Author:scarlet16
So as a disclaimer, I''ve been trying to figure out this issue while studying for the NY bar so I''m not sure if I''m just being sensitive. Honest opinions please.

My FI''s sister (who is in the wedding) has been dating a guy on and off for less than a year. She lived with us up until 2 weeks ago. 3 months into their relationship, his lease ended and he moved in with us (yes, if you''re keeping count, that''s 4 people in a tiny NYC apartment). Our understanding was it would be for maybe a week or so...it turned into close to 2 months. He didn''t pay rent at all nor did he offer to, plus I got a sense of his really bad personality. From that alone, it left a sour taste in my mouth.

Then by 4 months in they were fighting non-stop, with him acting HORRIBLY to her; crying almost every day, etc. Then they were on and off for a few months, before he finally called it off. She was upset obviously but 2 things made more things made me have VERY bad view of him and I have taken a severe disliking to him: he was verbally abusive during the breakup calling her a stalker and crazy among the least) and 2 weeks after the break up, he proceeds to ask for her co-worker''s phone number!

So they apparently have gotten back together (despite all the nastiness on his part). She asked her brother if the boyfriend could come to the wedding. He said yes initially, but I really really don''t want him there so I told her last night no he can''t. Was I being unreasonable to tell her he can''t come? I know my FI is now going to have to answer to his mom as to why I don''t want him there.

My biggest concern is possibly influencing my FI''s parents views of the guy since they''ve only met him in passing once. I know that''s not my place. But I really don''t want him at my wedding. He is just bad news - oh did I mention that he can''t hold a job and drinks way too much.

Not at all.
So what? They should be made aware of what type of guy he is.

 

[aprilcait]

My response is a two-parter:
1. I would suggest that your FI have a talk with his sister about the boyfriend if the boyfriend''s behavior was poor. It''s his sister, after all.
2. Did you issue an "and guest invitation" to SIL?

 

[scarlet16]

Thank Michelle. I''ve told her several times that she''s smarter than that and deserves better than how he''s treating her. Her response has been "but it''s my fault too..." and that "you just don''t understand the situation." It really bothers me to hear her say that but now she''s stopped talking to me about it (even before I disinvited him) because she knows my thoughts. I did hear from a mutual friend that she said she''d rather be with him and hurting then without him and hurting. Apparently all of her good friends have also told her he''s bad news. Her brother/my FI thinks that because everyone is against him, she feels even more strongly that she needs to protect him.

She and I are/were fairly close so she would tell me things. FI only dislikes the boyfriend because FI thinks the boyfriend is worthless but not from what his sister has said.

 

[scarlet16]

Date: 7/22/2008 1:25:49 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/22/2008 1:18:12 PM

Author:scarlet16

So as a disclaimer, I''ve been trying to figure out this issue while studying for the NY bar so I''m not sure if I''m just being sensitive. Honest opinions please.


My FI''s sister (who is in the wedding) has been dating a guy on and off for less than a year. She lived with us up until 2 weeks ago. 3 months into their relationship, his lease ended and he moved in with us (yes, if you''re keeping count, that''s 4 people in a tiny NYC apartment). Our understanding was it would be for maybe a week or so...it turned into close to 2 months. He didn''t pay rent at all nor did he offer to, plus I got a sense of his really bad personality. From that alone, it left a sour taste in my mouth.


Then by 4 months in they were fighting non-stop, with him acting HORRIBLY to her; crying almost every day, etc. Then they were on and off for a few months, before he finally called it off. She was upset obviously but 2 things made more things made me have VERY bad view of him and I have taken a severe disliking to him: he was verbally abusive during the breakup calling her a stalker and crazy among the least) and 2 weeks after the break up, he proceeds to ask for her co-worker''s phone number!


So they apparently have gotten back together (despite all the nastiness on his part). She asked her brother if the boyfriend could come to the wedding. He said yes initially, but I really really don''t want him there so I told her last night no he can''t. Was I being unreasonable to tell her he can''t come? I know my FI is now going to have to answer to his mom as to why I don''t want him there.


My biggest concern is possibly influencing my FI''s parents views of the guy since they''ve only met him in passing once. I know that''s not my place. But I really don''t want him at my wedding. He is just bad news - oh did I mention that he can''t hold a job and drinks way too much.

Not at all.

So what? They should be made aware of what type of guy he is.

I agree but I don''t think it''s my place to give them that opinion. I think they should make that decision on their own. Inevitably by not inviting him, his sister is going to complain to her mother that I''m being b*tchy, meaning we''ll have to explain why the boyfriend is not invited.

 

[scarlet16]

Date: 7/22/2008 1:32:29 PM
Author: aprilcait
My response is a two-parter:

1. I would suggest that your FI have a talk with his sister about the boyfriend if the boyfriend''s behavior was poor. It''s his sister, after all.

He doesn''t want to butt in. He thinks she needs to learn on her own.

2. Did you issue an ''and guest invitation'' to SIL?

No she did not. This is the other reason I don''t want to invite him. Our guest list is already out of control (thanks to FMIL, but that''s another story) and we''re paying for most of the wedding. We only invited married, engaged or living together people (as a couple) because we really only want people there that we know and really want there. I''m *hoping* that she''ll break it off with him in the near future but if they do break-up and he''s was at the wedding, he''ll be in pictures, and that in and of itself will bother me.

 

[aprilcait]

Unless you learn of boyfriend repeating the negative behavior, I would respect your FI''s decision to not discuss the boyfriend with SIL. He does know his sister. I know that my sister would go right in the opposite direction if I tried to dissuade her from dating even the biggest creep-o.

Considering that you''re only inviting married, engaged, or co-habiting couples, there''s no reason to invite SIL''s boyfriend. However, if the topic comes up again with her, I would be sure to stress THAT reasoning besides the judgment call on her boyfriend.

 

[brandy_z28]

Sounds like FSIL has some serious self esteem issues! I''d say don''t invite him. You experienced his behavior first hand and I can''t blame you at all for not wanting him there.

 

[jcarlylew]

I agree with everyone - he doesnt need to come. You can always (with your FI) explain to your FIL that becuase of him living with you two for 4 months, you got a good view of his behavior, personality and how upset your SIL became to be. Hopefully going that route (protecting the SIL to FIL) they will understand.

You can always say (something of the sorts) to SIL "If you are serious about being with him and including him as a part of the family, then we need to get to gether at a seperate occasion, not at our wedding".

 

[doodle]

Ouch--that''s tricky. By no means do I think you''re out of line by not wanting him there, but I do think that it''s her place to decide who she dates, and for the sake of everyone, it''d probably be a good idea to not wind up with drama that places you between your ENTIRE family of in-laws. If you don''t want him there, I would talk to her and explain it as a budget/ guest list issue and not as a personal issue you have with him. Eventually, she''ll figure it out and get rid of him on her own, but it''d be a much better situation for all of you if, when she does take that step, she knows that she can turn to you for support rather than feeling alienated because you''ve disapproved of her choices in the past. If you tell her she''s dating a loser, you''re not just criticizing her bf but also her judgment. Believe me, I have been in your shoes, and it sucks, but I''ve also been in hers, and complaining about the guy will only make her cling to him more because she''ll just want to prove everyone wrong. You mentioned the guest list being really high because of your FMIL--if you''re worried about her getting upset if you use the guest list as grounds for not inviting the jerk, you can always say that you have a lot of friends on the guest list whose significant others fall into the same category and that inviting all of theirs as well would add too many. Good luck figuring the whole thing out. It''s a delicate situation because it involves so much of your FI''s family, but it''s obvious that you care a great deal about your FSIL and the rest of them, so I''m sure you''ll make the best decision for everyone!

 

[CrookedRock]

This is your wedding!! If you don''t want him there, then he shouldn''t be there. YOu know already how I feel about FMIL inviting all these people last minute. You are writing the checks... you can say who comes and who doesn''t.
DON''T feel bad at all. She should understand. Besides, you didn''t invite "dating couples" you invited engaged, married, living together couples. And living together does not include your apt!

 

[icekid]

I absolutely would not invite him if I were you. He sounds like bad news all around; a terrible person for your SIL to date! Plus, he sounds like the type of person who is going to drink too much and make a scene at your wedding. Who needs that from a person you didn''t even want there in the first place? Bah... I hope you guys can help your SIL realize she deserves better before the wedding even gets here!

 

[scarlet16]

Oh...thank goodness for these responses. I asked one of my good friends in real life and she said I should just suck it up (which is why I thought all this studying was making me sensitive).

I did, however, forget to mention one tiny issue. I can''t use our "guestlist" as an excuse since she offered to pay for him (in fact, she pays for everything they do). BUT I think I can get off using the we didn''t invite plus ones because we only want people we''re close to there.

April I do feel like I can discuss it with her since I know her very well. I''ve been with the FI for almost 8 years; and sister lived with us for 4 of those 8. So even though he doesn''t want to discuss her choices with her, I''m quite comfortable doing so. Like I said above though, I''ll stress to her the no-plus ones reasoning.

brandy I''m thinking she''s so attached and why she''s got some negative self-esteem is this is her first "serious" relationship (she''s 25 this year).

jcarly I don''t want to mention him living with us as her parents would FREAK out. I don''t really want to get her in trouble with them over that...but if they push me and ask why that may have to come out.

doodle I agree that it totally is her choice who she dates, which is why I was so torn as to whether I should just suck it up. I know by not inviting him, his parents will want to know why, meaning I''ll have to explain that he''s seriously bad news and they''ll side with me since they''ve known me for so long. I finally decided this route since he IRKS me that badly! Unfortunately, she''s already starting to alienate herself from everyone because of him.

CR Thanks for being my kick in the butt! I kept feeling selfish and bratty when I said to FI "but it''s our day, and I don''t want him there."

icekid You read my mind...open bar and this guy sounds like a BAD idea to me.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I think the no unrelated guests is the best approach. She knows no one approves of this guy and she needs to know there will be someone for her when she moves on without fearing "I told you so". You may want to say to her that no matter what, you will be there for her. Truely, the more the people in her life fight her, the easier it is for him to convince her he is the only one who cares and it does push them together, I have seen it more times than I can count.

That being said, a wedding is too important to be wasted on bad bfs and you are in no way obliged to invite him. I would gentely tell the parents that he makes you uncomfortable, especially with alcohol and leave it at that.