Advice--single friends?

[Indylady]

Hi friends!

I'm looking for a little advice--I have some incredible single friends. I'm particularly thinking of some single women. They're women in their late 20's/early 30's. They smart, educated, accomplished, interesting, beautiful, fit--they're really great in every sense. They do date. But often, they'll come to me to say they'll never find anyone. I don't think its true, but how can I be supportive of them besides putting on a broken record of "you will find someone!"? I understand their frustration and anxiety. We live in a big city that isn't family focused--I rarely see children--and men and women are prioritizing their professional lives into their mid thirties at least. Tinder, Bumble, and OK Cupid don't really help either. There are a lot of options. I think the "options factor" has affected dating for both men and women, gay and straight. Dating and falling in love is the one of those things that feels like its outside of anyone's control. There's no good road map to get there. How can I show my friends support? Does anyone have some 30's love stories? Doesn't it all work out sooner or later?

As for me, personally--I felt exactly this way. I read a great book called "Calling in the One" and it actually worked for me. It sounds like a catchy gimmicky self-help journey book, but it was the first time that I actually sat down and purposefully wrote down qualities that I liked in a partner, like trust and compassion, and then it made it much easier for a man I'd love to stand out in a sea of men I didn't want. Imagine knowing you want a glazed donut and walking into the donut shop and just picking it out, vs. weighing the pros and cons of every donut on the shelf. But even this isn't really reassuring for my single friends. Any advice?

 

[PintoBean]

Hmmm I feel like whenever I become truly content with being independent does a man come into my life to mess that all up!

 

[PintoBean]

I was almost 30 when my husband and I started dating. I'm a 38 year old widow now. I'm just going to focus on finding my own happiness and I know that when I am content another man will disrupt it lololol.

 

[telephone89]

Are they ASKING you for help? Or just using you as a sounding board?
Personally I wouldn't go giving advice unless it's specifically asked for.

My mom was a single mom raising me, and she didn't find 'the one' until she was like 46. It doesn't always happen, and someone's worth shouldn't hinge on whether they have a man (IMO).

 

[BlingDreams]

It can be very hard, especially if you want children. You start doing that biological ticking clock thing in your head (we have to date this long.... and then I want to be married this long before kids.... so that means I need to have found the one by "X" age....). And when it doesn't happen you start to panic, and unfortunately sometimes end up settling for the person who isn't actually "the one". We've all seen it happen time and time again.

There are many ways the conversation can go but it really depends on the individual. And, as mentioned above, some friends may just be wanting to vent and not really looking for answers. I was single for about a decade (32-43) before finding current BF/FF and really focused on becoming the best "me" that I could be and figuring out what I not only wanted but NEEDED in a life partner. I didn't want to meet someone and settle again. I actually found that to be the hardest part of dating - figuring out that they weren't going to work and having the courage to tell them.

I tell my single friends to come up with a list of non-negotiables. That helps weed out perspective people quickly. But most of all I tell them they HAVE to be content with themselves before they will be any good for someone else. Because if you're not 100% okay by yourself you'll always be looking for the other person to fulfill what you feel is missing. Don't misunderstand... I absolutely believe that the right person makes you BETTER than you are by yourself (and that was actually one of my non-negotiables), but you can't be leaning on them to make you feel whole. That's a drain and a burden that isn't fair (in reverse either... they shouldn't look to you to make them whole). Once you truly know yourself and what you want, oftentimes you find yourself in situations that open doors to meeting the right people. Oh, that's another thing I tell them... get involved in activities they enjoy. That usually leads to meeting people with similar interests and maybe things will build from there.

Again, this is just my opinion and I know others will disagree. I have been through some bad relationships that have left brutal scars that have undoubtedly shaped my viewpoint. But I think finding someone when you're older actually has some great benefits too. You know yourself better, so hopefully you'll have an easier road in your relationship and not as many growing pains.

 

[alene]

I work with quite a few single women in their 30s and 40s and one thing I'd definitely avoid is telling them they'll find someone, I think that's just exasperating to hear since it's absolutely not a given. Unless they're specifically asking for advice, they probably just want to vent and need support and empathy more than they need advice.

 

[partgypsy]

Yeah I agree don't say you'll find someone. Just listen and be a friend. A lot of guys they may be dating may not be ready to settle down. If they know that's what they r looking for, to use internet or another match making service to focus on men who are looking to settle down. Men, esp ones who are career oriented often are on a different timeline for this.

 

[Ally T]

I am one of those women who drifted from relationship to relationship. It was tiring & to be honest, also concerning as I hit 30. I had a mini crisis at that point, as I'd always imagined I'd be happily married with a bunch of kids & dogs, living happily in a remote part of the countryside. As it stood, I was fleeing a terrible relationship in New Zealand & heading back to the UK, with no job to return to & no future plans in place.

Two years after that, bouncing from contract to contract & man to man, I landed a brilliant permanent job. I was almost 32 by this point. I had settled in for a few weeks when this gorgeous man appeared. Turns out he had been in another studio down in London for a while helping on a different project. He had also left a 9 year suffocating relationship the year before. Within 2 weeks we were inseparable & we became engaged quickly, married the following year when I was 33 & our first daughter was born when I was 34. Daughter 2 followed the following year & in September it's our 10th wedding Anniversary. There is no dog (just 2 lovely cats & a big tank of fish), but we do have a beautiful home surrounded by woodlands & farms.

I believe everything happens for a reason & I always have, which helped prevent exasperation upon the constant idiot blokes I attracted. I just think you should sit back & sort of refrain from commenting unless asked. Just live your life & enjoy your single friends company for what it is & who they are. One thing I always enjoyed was watching my friends settle into lovely families of their own, without rubbing in my face what I was missing. I never asked their advice on dating - we were always at completely different stages of life. Apart from a couple of my friends now, we have all found happiness. Some too late to have children, but they are happy with their horses & dogs instead. And one friend who spent her entire 20's & 30's bouncing from terrible men & heartbreaking relationships, constantly saying "why am I single? Why can't I find The One? What's wrong with meeeee???!!" is now happily ensconced in a same sex marriage & living in Australia.

Sometimes people need to explore & find their feet. It can be tough, but just be you: their friend whom they enjoy spending time with. You are not their councillor nor The Oracle with all the answers

 

[Missy]

I agree with everyone here. Just listen and be supportive and if they ask for help then do what you can. Just knowing you are always there to listen and support is priceless IMO.

My best friend is still single and he is a fantastic guy. Terrific in every way. Smart, funny, talented, kind, warm and sweet. We have been friends for 32 plus years. I love him and any girl would be super lucky to have him as their life partner. However he is still single. So I am there however I can be for him. When he talks about it I listen and if he asks advice I give it. And in fact I just this past week re-connected with an old girlfriend from grade school and while we were chatting we found out we both have single best friends. Her beset friend is is a single professional just a few years younger than my best friend T and I asked T if he wanted to be set up with her and he is thinking about it. I am not pressuring him because that would not serve anyone well. He knows I have his best interest at heart and ultimately his future is up to him and as a good friend we are there to help and support in whatever way we can and not intrude or make things more challenging.

I am a big believer in controlling your own fate as best you can. Not everything is under your control but you can take charge of what is and allow the rest to unfold and do what you can to make it a favorable present future. Not everyone wants to be married or even have a partner through life though IMO it makes life easier certainly. Having a partner to travel life's bumpy challenging roads with and share the happiness and soothe the pain.

You know that saying...Happiness shared is happiness doubled and sadness shared is sadness halved. For me that is true. And not having a significant other can be lonely as one gets older but that isn't true for everyone and good true friends go a long way in easing the loneliness IMO so not everyone needs to be partnered up.

Sorry for my wordy post. In conclusion just be there and follow your friend's lead. That's being a good friend.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

Following this thread with interest, since I have a couple of wonderful friends who are inexplicably still single.

 

[MissyBeaucoup]

The strategy I used to increase my odds of finding somebody was "friendship circles". I got involved in activities that I enjoyed, that got me out of the apartment and meeting people. I went to the symphony, I joined a once-a-month vegetarian supper club, I hung out at my neighborhood book shop, I tried out different churches, I went hiking with the Sierra Club. I wasn't necessarily looking for a guy, but I was increasing my networks of people--different circles of friends who might know someone--to increase the odds. Eventually I got set up by a college friend whose husband met a nice guy at the book shop. They invited us both to a party, which was much less stressful than doing the blind date thing. Then I stalked him on Saturday mornings at the book shop. (He was kind of slow to get a clue.) We have been married 22 years! We had infertility but we have been abundantly blessed with fur babies. (There was another guy I met at the supper club who took my phone number, said he'd call me in a few days, and called me ten days later. I told him right on the phone that I wanted nothing to do with him because 10 days was not "a few days" and we would never get along. I didn't want somebody unreliable.) I was happy being single and that was the point that I started being radiant and meeting people. I also had a clear list of what I was looking for. I had had poor luck and judgement. I definitely found a better person than what I would have settled for. One of the funny things on the list was that I wanted somebody who had a lot of books. I laughed out loud when I first saw my future husband's simple little bachelor apartment and it was full of bookshelves and the books were stacked one row in front of the other. Y'all, I know life can be sad and tragic too. But there are times when God really has a sense of humor!

 

[chemgirl]

I agree that the best thing to do is to just listen and be supportive. I have a friend who is gorgeous, accomplished, intelligent, successful, and single.

She's sabotaging herself big time. I try to ask questions sometimes in a way to lay things out for her and hope that she comes to conclusions herself, but I have started refraining from advice because it just doesn't help. For example she went on 4 dates with a guy and then he cancelled the next two. Then he told her he was too busy with work and his hobbies to see her right now. She is convinced that he's coming back. Telling her that he's not doesn't go over very well...

Same thing happened with a guy she had been dating for a year. She wanted marriage and babies asap, he was just starting a career and ended up leaving to "have time to work on himself". Then he has a different girlfriend and she is confused because she assumed that when he was finished "working on himself " that he would come back. She didn't talk to me for weeks after I told her not to call him and tell him off. She called anyway and demanded an explanation. Awkward for all involved.

I really think the active looking can make dating and meeting people more stressful than it needs to be. I'm married, but I have a lot of hobbies that I go to on my own. I'm just out being me and I get asked out on dates. I'm not looking, not interested, and now they come around. Maybe it's the vibe I'm giving off? I wish I knew to just chill out more when I was single. Dating would have been a lot more fun.

 

[chemgirl]

Still thinking on this.

I think part of it is the wants list. My single friends are all very accomplished people and want someone they perceive as on their level. So university education is a must and they have to have a professional career to even get through the door. I find those guys tend to be less relationship oriented (not always). They also need to have "good genes" ie be tall and fit and handsome.

Not saying they should settle, but a nice guy who's 5'9 and makes 50k isn't settling. Ok you're not going to be rich and your kids might not be 6 feet tall, but so what? Happiness is so much more than that.

 

[VRBeauty]

I've had off and on relationships for most of my adult life, which also means that I've been single, off and on, for most of my adult life. And not always digging it, though I'm well past bemoaning my single status.

IMHO the best thing you can do to support your single friends is to continue to be friends with them, and not exclude them from social gatherings. You don't need to pair them up, although of course if you come across someone who might be of interest, etc... you can always ask about their (mutual) interest in meeting that person.

It sounds like you already know this, and have it under control, but just to put it out there - you also aren't obligated to listen to endless verbal hand-wringing about their singleness woes. You had a plan and followed it, and it worked well for you (Yay! ) While your strategy might not be exactly what someone else needs, the fact that you had one does give you license to ask someone else "what is your plan for dealing with this?" - which also provides an entry for talking about the strategy you used, should they ask. It sounds as if your strategy started with separating partnership "wants" from "needs," always a good place to start.

As to me - I met my current boyfriend at a fellow co-worker's memorial service. OK, I realize that's not a strategy you can recommend. The pertinent part of the story was that I was ready - not right then, as the person we were grieving had been my former boyfriend and long-time best friend - but a half year or so later. Being late-in-life loves, I think we're both more realistic about wants versus needs in both the partner and the relationship. We've been together for over a year now and it's been very nice. The big test is coming up though - he loves to camp, and we're planning a cross-country road trip that will involve mostly camping. Lots to negotiate on this, as I'm not yet sold on camping despite some shorter trips that were pretty successful.

BTW, two other late-in-life couples I know about met online. It's something I never really considered, but they're both wonderful, well-matched couples. My BF's "between generations" cousin (she's the youngest, second-marriage child of his youngest uncle), who lives in London, met her hubby through at a speed dating session. Apparently it was very popular among the young professionals at the time. She and her hubby have several friends who also met their future spouses this way.

 

[MissyBeaucoup]

My favorite "meet cute" story came from one of my former professors. She was in the kitty litter aisle buying a large container of kitty litter for her 4-cat family. A cute guy came by and picked up a little bag of litter. She teased him about it and asked about his cat. By the end of the conversation, he asked her out to dinner and within a year they were married. You never know, so have a good sense of humor!

 

[Indylady]

I was almost 30 when my husband and I started dating. I'm a 38 year old widow now. I'm just going to focus on finding my own happiness and I know that when I am content another man will disrupt it lololol.

Hahah that's a great attitude to take on dating!

 

[Indylady]

Are they ASKING you for help? Or just using you as a sounding board?
Personally I wouldn't go giving advice unless it's specifically asked for.

My mom was a single mom raising me, and she didn't find 'the one' until she was like 46. It doesn't always happen, and someone's worth shouldn't hinge on whether they have a man (IMO).

Hmnn--good question. They say things like, "Why can't I ever meet anyone that's into me?" and I'm not sure if its a rhetorical question or not. Sometimes they do explicitly ask for advice, like, "This guy hasn't texted in X days, or this guy did X thing, WWYD?"

 

[Indylady]

It can be very hard, especially if you want children. You start doing that biological ticking clock thing in your head (we have to date this long.... and then I want to be married this long before kids.... so that means I need to have found the one by "X" age....). And when it doesn't happen you start to panic, and unfortunately sometimes end up settling for the person who isn't actually "the one". We've all seen it happen time and time again.

There are many ways the conversation can go but it really depends on the individual. And, as mentioned above, some friends may just be wanting to vent and not really looking for answers. I was single for about a decade (32-43) before finding current BF/FF and really focused on becoming the best "me" that I could be and figuring out what I not only wanted but NEEDED in a life partner. I didn't want to meet someone and settle again. I actually found that to be the hardest part of dating - figuring out that they weren't going to work and having the courage to tell them.

I tell my single friends to come up with a list of non-negotiables. That helps weed out perspective people quickly. But most of all I tell them they HAVE to be content with themselves before they will be any good for someone else. Because if you're not 100% okay by yourself you'll always be looking for the other person to fulfill what you feel is missing. Don't misunderstand... I absolutely believe that the right person makes you BETTER than you are by yourself (and that was actually one of my non-negotiables), but you can't be leaning on them to make you feel whole. That's a drain and a burden that isn't fair (in reverse either... they shouldn't look to you to make them whole). Once you truly know yourself and what you want, oftentimes you find yourself in situations that open doors to meeting the right people. Oh, that's another thing I tell them... get involved in activities they enjoy. That usually leads to meeting people with similar interests and maybe things will build from there.

Again, this is just my opinion and I know others will disagree. I have been through some bad relationships that have left brutal scars that have undoubtedly shaped my viewpoint. But I think finding someone when you're older actually has some great benefits too. You know yourself better, so hopefully you'll have an easier road in your relationship and not as many growing pains.

Yep, yep and yep!! On being the best person they can be--my friends feel like they've been at it for years. They're smart, education, successful and fit. And this point, they're going, "What else could a guy want?" I also DO think that they have their biological clocks ticking in the back of their heads, especially as our friends are trying or starting to have children. I think they're psyching themselves out--thinking, ok if I meet a guy tomorrow it'll take 3 years to get engaged and 5 to start trying for a baby, and then I'll be 36, etc. etc.

 

[Indylady]

I work with quite a few single women in their 30s and 40s and one thing I'd definitely avoid is telling them they'll find someone, I think that's just exasperating to hear since it's absolutely not a given. Unless they're specifically asking for advice, they probably just want to vent and need support and empathy more than they need advice.

YEP!! This article is incredible: http://jezebel.com/when-can-i-say-ill-be-alone-forever-1790274012

 

[Indylady]

I am one of those women who drifted from relationship to relationship. It was tiring & to be honest, also concerning as I hit 30. I had a mini crisis at that point, as I'd always imagined I'd be happily married with a bunch of kids & dogs, living happily in a remote part of the countryside. As it stood, I was fleeing a terrible relationship in New Zealand & heading back to the UK, with no job to return to & no future plans in place.

Two years after that, bouncing from contract to contract & man to man, I landed a brilliant permanent job. I was almost 32 by this point. I had settled in for a few weeks when this gorgeous man appeared. Turns out he had been in another studio down in London for a while helping on a different project. He had also left a 9 year suffocating relationship the year before. Within 2 weeks we were inseparable & we became engaged quickly, married the following year when I was 33 & our first daughter was born when I was 34. Daughter 2 followed the following year & in September it's our 10th wedding Anniversary. There is no dog (just 2 lovely cats & a big tank of fish), but we do have a beautiful home surrounded by woodlands & farms.

I believe everything happens for a reason & I always have, which helped prevent exasperation upon the constant idiot blokes I attracted. I just think you should sit back & sort of refrain from commenting unless asked. Just live your life & enjoy your single friends company for what it is & who they are. One thing I always enjoyed was watching my friends settle into lovely families of their own, without rubbing in my face what I was missing. I never asked their advice on dating - we were always at completely different stages of life. Apart from a couple of my friends now, we have all found happiness. Some too late to have children, but they are happy with their horses & dogs instead. And one friend who spent her entire 20's & 30's bouncing from terrible men & heartbreaking relationships, constantly saying "why am I single? Why can't I find The One? What's wrong with meeeee???!!" is now happily ensconced in a same sex marriage & living in Australia.

Sometimes people need to explore & find their feet. It can be tough, but just be you: their friend whom they enjoy spending time with. You are not their councillor nor The Oracle with all the answers

Been there, done that! Dropped a boyfriend and quit a job and GTFO. Liberating and terrifying. Agree with not being a counselor or Oracle. I just field these conversations constantly--5 years ago it was getting to the 'right' job. I only want them to be happy, single or otherwise!

 

[Indylady]

I agree with everyone here. Just listen and be supportive and if they ask for help then do what you can. Just knowing you are always there to listen and support is priceless IMO.

My best friend is still single and he is a fantastic guy. Terrific in every way. Smart, funny, talented, kind, warm and sweet. We have been friends for 32 plus years. I love him and any girl would be super lucky to have him as their life partner. However he is still single. So I am there however I can be for him. When he talks about it I listen and if he asks advice I give it. And in fact I just this past week re-connected with an old girlfriend from grade school and while we were chatting we found out we both have single best friends. Her beset friend is is a single professional just a few years younger than my best friend T and I asked T if he wanted to be set up with her and he is thinking about it. I am not pressuring him because that would not serve anyone well. He knows I have his best interest at heart and ultimately his future is up to him and as a good friend we are there to help and support in whatever way we can and not intrude or make things more challenging.

I am a big believer in controlling your own fate as best you can. Not everything is under your control but you can take charge of what is and allow the rest to unfold and do what you can to make it a favorable present future. Not everyone wants to be married or even have a partner through life though IMO it makes life easier certainly. Having a partner to travel life's bumpy challenging roads with and share the happiness and soothe the pain.

You know that saying...Happiness shared is happiness doubled and sadness shared is sadness halved. For me that is true. And not having a significant other can be lonely as one gets older but that isn't true for everyone and good true friends go a long way in easing the loneliness IMO so not everyone needs to be partnered up.

Sorry for my wordy post. In conclusion just be there and follow your friend's lead. That's being a good friend.

Missy, your post is totally fascinating and touches a point with something I believe--that you can attract and manifest changes into your life. Of course, not 100%--I'd love to have more rocks, weigh a little less, etc. etc. But--when my friends say "I'll never meet anyone!!" I really want them to stop saying it! I think it creates a bit of a cycle. If you believe you won't, drag yourself out, but continue to carry that attitude all night till you can retire back home--you look like you're slogging through and might not be approached as often, might not attract some folks that are looking. I don't know just how to put it, but I wish my friends could see themselves the way I do and others do, as smoking hot catches. I guess I just wish there was a way to inject a little optimism into their idea of dating, without devaluing their feelings and concerns?

BUT YES--DISCLAIMER--'m NOT an Oracle or matchmaker or therapist!! And I don't need/want to set my friends up outside of whatever their comfort zone, and certainly would never pressure anyone to couple up that wanted to be single!! I agree 100% and I am conscious of explicitly or quietly making it seem like my single friends should pair up. I do invite single and coupled friends to all the same events, make sure to spend 1x1 time with them, etc.

Last night, I took one of these girlfriends and we both dressed up a little, she borrowed some lipstick and wore a cute new romper that she was saving for a bachelorette party, we hit a busy bar. In no time, cute guy with an accent came up and talked to her, and offered to buy us a round. I focused my attention to my cellphone, pretending to be preoccupied with important texting.

 

[GliderPoss]

Hmmm its tough and I too have some gorgeous, smart, yet inexplicably single girlfriends in their 30's.
I think:
1. Expanding your social circle helps a lot to broaden the number of potential partners. Join a new club or take up a new hobby etc.
2. Know what qualities are important to you in a partner, so you can quickly evaluate when you meet someone if you both share similar priorities/values.
3. I honestly think internet dating/Apps are not the best place to meet serious life partners... There is literally no substitute for face to face conversations, you are looking for that spark!
4. Think about the context of WHERE you are meeting people, seeking a husband in a trashy nightclub surrounded by drunk 20yr olds may not be the right place/right people. These blokes are probably just looking to get drunk & laid...
5. Most importantly- DON'T JUST SETTLE!!! Seriously I've seen both my sister & SIL get to their 30's, panic about having kids then settle for awful men. Now my sister is 40 and going through a difficult divorce with 2 small kids...