Advice needed...

[Ara Ann]

This is actually about my husband... Some background on his situation, it''s kind of long...but I never experienced anything like this in my childhood and I am trying to understand and find a way to help...


DH is the youngest of two boys...their dad was fairly abusive to both boys when they were little...his dad''s opinion of raising boys was that he needed to be hard on them, harder than any boss would ever be, so they''d be able to handle difficulties, etc. when they were adults. He verbally berated them and also punished them with either hitting-punching, beating them with a belt or dog leash. He thought boys needed to be tough, and he was the one to toughen them up. As you can probably guess, in the long run, this method didn''t work very well in the healthy self esteem department and didn''t make for healthy expression of emotions. His dad wasn''t always like this, but they never knew when he''d explode, so they lived walking on eggshells and in fear of their father most of the time.

DH''s older brother seemed to take this treatment ''better'' than DH did, however, the older brother also took his rage and anger out on DH, because he was younger and smaller...so DH was abused by both his brother and father...but as soon as his brother was old enough, he moved to CA to live with his grandmother and went to college. DH lived with his parents until we were engaged.

DH has always had a hard time handling his emotions in a positive way as a result of his upbringing, he didn''t like how he acted, if he didn''t act appropriately and knew he had to get a grip on things, but it was very painful to deal with so he repressed most of his emotions...the only ''safe'' emotion he could show was anger...he wasn''t always angry or a jerk, he is a great guy with a big heart for others too, but couldn''t handle much pressure most of the time... Finally, over the last year and a half, DH has been going to counseling (for another issue he has) and also started going to anger management classes at our church...both have helped him SO much...he is feeling real emotions now, sometimes he''s all over the place emotionally, because he never learned how to express anything in a healthy way. I am trying to be patient with all of this, some days are better than others...

My reason for asking for advice at this point... DH has forgiven his father (and brother too), he made amends with him several years ago...he realizes his father was raised this way too and as sick as it may seem, my FIL doesn''t realize how horrible he really was to his sons. He would never say he was abusive, because he loved his sons... DH and FIL/BIL have a relationship now, that is fairly good and friendly even...but since DH has been ''feeling real emotions'' - and not blocking out the past, he has a very hard time dealing with some emotions, after he''s been with his father for any period of time. His dad still elicits some resentment in DH...FIL is a difficult man to be around, he''s not always a jerk, but it''s not always easy either.

A few weeks ago, DH''s brother was visiting and we all got together...needless to say, the old family ''roles'' came out in full force and they both picked on DH, which set him into a four day depression. DH tried to explain it to me like this, it''s like he has some kind of a ''post traumatic stress syndrome'' response to his father now...whereas before, he kept all of that negative stuff behind his defensive wall he had built over the years...now that wall is gone, so he feels things more deeply and isn''t sure how to handle all of that.

We can not completely sever ties with his father either, that is not an option...I know there are books for people who were abused as children, to help them to deal with the aftermath of the abuse, however most of them address the adult who no longer has contact with the parent/abusive person.

So, has anyone else had to deal with an ongoing relationship with someone who had abused them in the past? How did you deal with the feelings? DH has addressed this with his counselor, but, his counselor isn''t the kind who gives advice, they are the ''self directing'' kind of therapist and my husband needs some concrete examples of how to handle this.


Sorry this got so long...it''s been weighing on me, I see how this still hurts him so deeply and he wants to get past it...just trying to find a way to help.

 

[Lauren8211]

I feel like I should chime in because I''ve been through this, but its such a tough issue that it''s hard to analyze someone else''s situation.

I was abused (sexually) by my step-brother for years, and I had post-traumatic issues as well, not just in his presence, but in situations that were similar to the ones that he put me in.

When did your DH start dealing with the anger and resentment and getting it all out in the open? If it''s recent, then a bad reaction is to be expected, at least it was for me. I really struggled once I "aired the dirty laundry." I had to spend time around my step-brother, my step dad, my mom. They all knew what he did to me, and he had done it for years. At first it was terrible. I would spiral into depression when I had to see him, I''d become self-destructive. This came out around age 19. I''m nearly 27 now, and I still deal with it, but it gets better. It just took patience. I had to practice controlling my emotions and reactions.

The one thing I''ve learned is that you can''t help how your past makes you feel, but you can help how you react to it. I still am learning how to cope, and I''ve come to accept that as much as I''ve improved, it will never be like it never happened.

I know how hard it can be on you to handle this. It''s difficult dealing with the issues of those who have been abused. He''s lucky to have your support.

 

[Ara Ann]

Elle, thank you SO much for your reply...thank you for sharing your story as well. I hope you have continued healing too.


And yes, this is all fairly recent, as far as him bringing down his emotional defensive wall. I know it will take time to get past this, but I guess it''s easier for me to see and know that, than it is for him...he''s dealt with so much over the last year and a half...right now things are really good, he is doing great, until we see his father. And when he gets discouraged or upset, it''s easy for me to get that way also. I am trying to be strong enough to keep him on track as well as myself, if you know what I mean. if I lose it too, then we are all a mess...but I do believe it is getting better and will continue as long as he keeps working through this.


Thanks again for your response!

 

[mysterylover]

This is a very difficult problem for both of you. I''m sorry that you are going through this.

I feel I need to be blunt about this, though. Unless or until your FIL understands what he has done to his son, and completely STOPS doing it, and you know that this will not happen (don''t you?); your husband is going to have to decide what is more important to him - - maintaining the father/son relationship that has been decided for him (and caused him so much pain), or . . . not.

Unless Daddy is willing to see the damage he has done, and make a real effort to change, there will never be a healthy relationship that your husband can count on with his father. And by extension, his brother.

The only other option is for your DH to get to a place where he no longer needs the approval, friendship, and respect of either his father or his brother. He needs to be able to hear the crap without allowing it to take root in his soul. That''s where the hard work comes in for you. You''ll have to be ''enough'' for him in terms of love and respect. Because he won''t get it from his family.

He needs some direction from his therapist, IMHO. I''m no expert, though.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 6/24/2009 3:11:50 PM
Author: Ara Ann
Elle, thank you SO much for your reply...thank you for sharing your story as well. I hope you have continued healing too.


And yes, this is all fairly recent, as far as him bringing down his emotional defensive wall. I know it will take time to get past this, but I guess it''s easier for me to see and know that, than it is for him...he''s dealt with so much over the last year and a half...right now things are really good, he is doing great, until we see his father. And when he gets discouraged or upset, it''s easy for me to get that way also. I am trying to be strong enough to keep him on track as well as myself, if you know what I mean. if I lose it too, then we are all a mess...but I do believe it is getting better and will continue as long as he keeps working through this.


Thanks again for your response!

You''re welcome. I finally got to a point in my life where I felt comfortable sharing, and if someone can relate to it, that''s awesome.

Don''t feel like you can''t lose it too sometimes. It can be just as hard for the person who is supporting the person dealing with the problem. It can be super frustrating to watch someone fall apart so easily. Almost scary.

But, if you''re in this together, you fall down together, you get back up together.

It''s a lifelong process, and there will be slip-ups, but overall... if he works at it, he WILL deal with it. Therapy, a drive to change, and a supportive partner pretty much guarantees serious progress.

 

[Ara Ann]

Mystery Lover,

Thanks for your reply as well... You made some good points... And I think DH is trying to get to a place where their actions/attitudes don''t bother him...I think he can get there eventually, but it''s the getting there that''s the hardest part. He has made progress though, but this last visit with them took him by surprise, he didn''t expect to have a bad reaction to them, because he had been doing much better in so many other ways. And it''s not like they come up and clobber him over the head, but it''s a subtle sarcastic superiority they both have that gets to DH (me too)...



And Elle, thanks for sharing this ...

"Don''t feel like you can''t lose it too sometimes. It can be just as hard for the person who is supporting the person dealing with the problem. It can be super frustrating to watch someone fall apart so easily. Almost scary."

It IS scary to see him going through some of this stuff...and I really feel lost sometimes...I don''t want to complain to others about these things either, because he is trying so hard, but I do need a healthy outlet too...thanks for understanding that and for stating it so well! Made my day!

 

[somethingshiny]

First off, I''m sorry you and your DH are going through this. Sorry this is so long, but I feel like I have some input.

I grew up in a similar home it seems. I would actually shake with fear when I heard my dad''s truck and climb in trees as high as I could to prevent my brother from attacking me. I completely understand your DH''s feelings.

For me, I just decided that enough was enough. I shoved my dad through a wall when I was 16 and he never touched me again. Around that time my brother finally quit the physical stuff too. The emotional attacks were worse than the physical attacks, though. It''s like you can never shut down completely because you''re always in fight or flight mode. My brother acts like none of it ever happened and swears that I make stuff up.

I was kicked out of the house when I was 19 and trying to go to school, work 40 hours a week, and still maintain the home and younger siblings. (my mom went through a horrible depression and tried to commit suicide) Soon, after the suicide attempt, my dad decided I was running the house too much and started burning my things at the burn barrell. I called my best friend and moved in with her.

For the next few months I didn''t speak to my family (except the little sisters and that was only when my parents wouldn''t find out) On Easter at my grandma''s my dad looked at me and I smiled broadly and said Hello. He couldn''t ignore me in front of everyone so he was forced to be pleasant. (somewhat). We went on for years just kind of tolerating one another. He would come home and find me visiting with my mother, berate me, and tell me to get out of his house (which I gladly did with a smile on my face every time.) I was letting him continue to treat me whatever way he wanted but I changed my REACTION. That was step one.

Step two came after I decided I had rules. The first being, you can only treat me how I let you treat me. My brother still was quite hard on me for many years. Finally, I simply told him. "I have had enough. I am a grown woman. You would not treat any other woman on the street like you treat me. Why does a stranger deserve your love/respect any more than your own sister? Don''t treat me this way." It took a couple times of me just getting up and leaving, but he finally got it. My dad, on the other hand, didn''t get it at all. He laughed at me and told me to grow up and many curse words flew. Again, I left and decided to try again another day. It took many months, in fact I''d say close to a year, before what I said finally seemed to sink in. During that time, any time I was berated, I would smile and leave.

The third step was this; "In my house, I''M the boss. In your house YOU''RE the boss." I certainly won''t control how any body acts in their own home. It''s insane to even try. All you can do is leave if you''re uncomfortable. BUT, in my house, my rules. You act a certain way and you''ll be asked to leave in no uncertain terms. At first they thought I was joking, but watch out when I pull on my big girl panties! Yes, sometimes my mom was forced to leave with my dad (because they rode together) and often times it would lead to a few weeks of not speaking, but eventually, THEY GOT IT!

There are still some occasional insult fests, which I seem to take much lighter now. But, my entire family knows that they aren''t allowed to speak to me that way in front of my son. 2 Father''s days ago, I left my dad''s house with my son in my arms and him standing yelling in the yard. I''ve put up with it long enough to know that my son will not be around it at all. For some reason, this seemed to be my dad''s HUGE turning point. He finally realized that I wasn''t going to deal with him in any way with my son. It''s like he NEEDED to get my upset to make it worth his while. When he figured out I was more interested in protecting my son than yelling with him, he was just done.

My dad and my brother have become quite good men in the last few years. They''re definitely not the people I grew up with. I do think there''s hope for everyone to change, but sometimes it takes a whole lot of effort that a lot of people aren''t willing to put in. Today, my dad is a great Grandpa (which I''d prefer over having a great Dad) and he adores all of his "boys." They all think they have the best "Pa" in the world because he always has M&M''s and a tractor ride for them. He''s always laughing with them and telling them silly stories. My brother has his own son and another baby on the way and he is making a conscious effort not to let history repeat itself. My dad sees that I allow JT to cry and be upset without telling him he''s being a baby. At first, my dad and my brother thought I should "make a man of him", but soon they both realized what a good little man JT really is. He''s very compassionate and always thinks of others first. He opens doors for women, he is very polite, and he tells great stories. He''s confident enough to argue his point, but he''s smart enough to concede when a time-out is on the line. The kicker is, he''s only three.

I know how upset all of this turmoil would make my husband (we''ve been together since I was 17), so I can understand how you feel. DH would get so mad, he''d yell right back at my dad and one time they were toe to toe until I got in the middle of it. It was hard for DH to understand why I had to make the relationship with my dad work. He wanted us to just back away completely. For me it wasn''t an option. He didn''t get it, but he still was supportive while I figured it out.

Bottom line is; It''s hard. It takes a lot of time and a lot of work. But you may find that it was all worth it.

 

[Ara Ann]

Hi Shiny, thank you for sharing your story as well.

I am happy things are working out for you and your family...it's wonderful how you have learned to set boundaries and stand up for yourself...and great that your brother and father have learned to respect you as well...I applaud you!!

I know it is not easy...the easy thing would be to walk away, but as with you, we have children and we want to keep the family intact, but also set healthy boundaries.


With my FIL, things aren't always overtly obvious that he's being a 'jerk' - he's not abusive toward DH anymore, but it's just pretty much his over all demeanor that gets under the skin. He has to have the 'best' of everything...for instance, DH is a 'McIntosh computer' guy, so FIL went out and bought all the latest Mac computers, lap top, i-phones, etc. and had DH help him set it all up... he likes to have the 'best' toys, so no one else has something better...he is a very intelligent man, but uses his 'smarts' to make others feel less intelligent than he is...he could have taught my sons SO much, his own sons too, had he used his knowledge in a positive way, rather than in a spiteful way... It is also obvious that my BIL is the 'favored' son...FIL/BIL are both fairly wealthy (materialistically speaking)....and my FIL tries to impress DH's brother, buys his dinner when he's in town, etc., but doesn't treat DH to dinners, or even treat him with respect, unless there is something he wants from him. Everything he does is self serving. While it is annoying, he doesn't really 'do' anything that we could point at and get up and leave over. It's just that DH is having emotional flashbacks from being around him.


DH HAS stood up to his father too...in fact, we went out as a family to a touristy kind of place when BIL was in town a few weeks ago and FIL made a very derogatory and nasty remark about a group of school kids, only my DH heard the comment. DH was infuriated, pulled his dad aside and told him his remarks were completely unacceptable and just plain wrong. FIL pouted the rest of the day, stayed close to my BIL (avoided DH) and looked like a lost puppy. FIL has 'made nice' since then, he's been on good behavior over all, it's just his basic personality that is not going to change...and DH has to figure out how he can learn to deal with seeing his father and not be a mess.


It has been SO helpful for me to get this all out here...the 'PS' members are an insightful bunch, I knew that from reading other stories, which gave me the idea to post this here...it helps to have a somewhat objective view of things too, instead of asking other family...thanks again for the replies.

 

[radiantquest]

is it at all possible to have a sort of intervention with your BIL and FIL and tell them how they have hurt your DH and explain that until they can control themselves and be positive you will be forced to withdrawl from seeing them for your DHs health. i know that you said that you cannot sever ties with your FIL and that he doesnt seem to think that he has done anything wrong perhaps you should send him the bills for therapy and convince him of the hurt he has caused his son

 

[Ara Ann]

Date: 6/24/2009 6:40:06 PM
Author: radiantquest
is it at all possible to have a sort of intervention with your BIL and FIL and tell them how they have hurt your DH and explain that until they can control themselves and be positive you will be forced to withdrawl from seeing them for your DHs health. i know that you said that you cannot sever ties with your FIL and that he doesnt seem to think that he has done anything wrong perhaps you should send him the bills for therapy and convince him of the hurt he has caused his son

Well, like I said, his/their current behavior is more annoying than harmful at this point...they just kind of tease, etc. they buddy up and make DH feel like a 5th wheel, which brings up the worse things from the past. At least BIL lives out of state, we aren''t all together that often and FIL isn''t as bad when it''s just the two of them.... So there''s nothing currently going on that DH could confront them about.

His brother knows he was hurt over their upbringing, but BIL isn''t as sensitive as DH about things...BIL has pretty much dealt with his own issues and has gotten over them and treats DH as if he should have gotten over them as well.

And DH DID confront his dad, several years ago, to let him know he had forgiven him for how he treated him during his childhood. That did NOT go over well at all...FIL became extremely defensive and accused DH of playing ''mind games'' with him. FIL is in MAJOR denial about his behavior toward DH and BIL at that time. FIL does love DH, they hug and tell each other they love each other...but again, just being around him right now stirs up the damaged emotions from his past.

A lot has happened over the years that had brought them to a much better place and relationship, but it''s the ''newness'' of DH dealing with his emotions honestly, without his old defense mechanisms in place, that has brought the bad stuff up again...things he thought he had let go of that are hitting him hard again...when he hadn''t expected it to. That''s the main problem right now...finding a balance and learning how to cope with this ''day after'' syndrome. His dad''s personality isn''t going to change, no matter how many times he''s confronted, but DH has to learn to handle his past stuff in order to move forward...

 

[somethingshiny]

I don''t know if this will help, but it seems as though your BIL and FIL view each other as friends and your DH as the little brother/son. They go out to eat, try to impress, etc. I also think there''s a fair amount of rivalry between BIL and FIL. They seem to want to one-up each other an awful lot. I''m sure that causes problems between them that eventually wears down to "I''m bigger and I can pick on you cause you''re smaller." attitude

There is no way your DH will be able to compete with their friendship, taking into consideration your DH basically thinks they come off quite rude/obnoxious/etc and that doesn''t seem to be the type of person your DH would CHOOSE to be friends with. And, also because I''m assuming he wouldn''t want to take part in the one-upping.

The damage is done, obviously. Perhaps there''s more damage for BIL than you or DH are aware. Maybe they should try to talk about it and see what happens. It could be that BIL is doing everything he can to make dad think he''s "cool" and DH just happens to be there when the bomb goes off.

FIL may never change. I hope your DH can figure out a way to like him not just love him.

 

[movie zombie]

Toxic Parents

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0553381407/ref=ord_cart_shr?%5Fencoding=UTF8&m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&v=glance

this is a good place for the two of you to start.........

mz

 

[Ara Ann]

Date: 6/24/2009 10:01:32 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I don''t know if this will help, but it seems as though your BIL and FIL view each other as friends and your DH as the little brother/son. They go out to eat, try to impress, etc. I also think there''s a fair amount of rivalry between BIL and FIL. They seem to want to one-up each other an awful lot. I''m sure that causes problems between them that eventually wears down to ''I''m bigger and I can pick on you cause you''re smaller.'' attitude


>>>> Yep, that''s kind of how things go...they are in the ''good old boys club'' - basically, BIL can do no wrong, DH can do no right, but again, all is said in ''jest'' and sarcasm.


There is no way your DH will be able to compete with their friendship, taking into consideration your DH basically thinks they come off quite rude/obnoxious/etc and that doesn''t seem to be the type of person your DH would CHOOSE to be friends with. And, also because I''m assuming he wouldn''t want to take part in the one-upping.


>>>>And nope, DH doesn''t want to be a part of their club, but he does get along well with his brother, on a one on one basis...BIL is a nice guy actually...it''s when he starts acting like the big brother that things get uncomfortable.


The damage is done, obviously. Perhaps there''s more damage for BIL than you or DH are aware. Maybe they should try to talk about it and see what happens. It could be that BIL is doing everything he can to make dad think he''s ''cool'' and DH just happens to be there when the bomb goes off.


>>>> And BIL doesn''t try to impress FIL...but FIL tries to impress BIL...BIL is the ''cool, rich guy'' that everyone wants to be around, if you are impressed with that kind of thing. Personally I know, DH and I have a happier marriage and family life than BIL has, but that doesn''t score any points with FIL.


>>>>>It''s going to get worse in the next few months as well...BIL is taking the in-laws to Hawaii for 2 weeks, he has a time share condo there...good thing, they will be gone for a while, bad thing, once they get home, we will NEVER live that down, ever.



FIL may never change. I hope your DH can figure out a way to like him not just love him.

>>>> and yes, we both realize FIL is not going to change...which is why HD has to find a way to deal with him.

And MZ! Thank you for that book link...while I was checking it out, I noticed a link to another book about narcissistic parents! THAT IS MY FIL TO A "T"!!! He is a TRUE narcissist...I knew he was self absorbed, but it goes deeper than that. We will be ordering both books!

Thanks again ladies for all of your ideas and support!

 

[Squirrly]

i don''t have any personal experiences to relate to this, but i wanted to wish you and your DH the best of luck in dealing with his family and i hope things start to get better for both of you soon!

 

[whitby_2773]

hi ara ann

the depression your husband is feeling after his contacts with his father/brother is a combination of a number of things; a sense of helplessness, confusion (because the physical, concrete situation doesn''t match the response he''s having -it''s hooking into things long past, so that can give him a sensation of the world swimming around him), rage (given that depression, most commonly, is suppressed anger - generally so acute that we deem it inexpressible; ergo rage), a return to childhood (emotionally and socially returning to a place of many years ago where this behavior began), and grief, as his internal self steps back and watches what is being done to his outer self - and acknowledges the abuse done to a child. overlay all of this with a deep sense of sadness of the loss of familial relationship and...sure, this will give him a depression which is tough to throw off.

so if i can ask you 2 questions - firstly, why can you not walk away? you said leaving the relationship is not an option. can you tell me why?

and secondly, during these exchanges, what do YOU do? as in - what *exactly* do you do? do you stay in the room? do you speak? intervene? if so, can you give me an example of what you''d say?

also, tho more as a side note, do you have children? are they present during this? and does your husband ever express anger towards you or your children? if he''s going to anger management classes, i''m guessing yes, but can you just confirm that?

ara ann, leaving my work experience with these sorts of issues aside, there is a man i know well who had a very similar, semi violent and definitely abusive relationship with his father. he''s in his 40''s now, and i''d like to tell you what he''s working on. also, my father was your basic narcissist. all the world was a stage...(sigh) he had many good points tho and wasn''t aggressive (actually, he was extremely level headed), but my sister and i for sure know what it''s like to grow up in a house where you can''t even get a toe on the stage, much less be the center of attention, and i''d like to tell you how i dealt with that aspect. but before i launch into this, could you pls let me know the answers to my questions?

 

[Ara Ann]

Squirrly, thank you for your support... (love the Calvin avatar too, Calvin and Hobbes is a favorite in our home!)




Hi Whitby...thanks for your reply.


I will try to explain the situation as plainly as I can, considering family matters are always complicated.

To answer your first question, why he can not walk away.

We do have a good relationship with his mother and elderly grandmother, who lives with DH's parents. If we walked away from FIL (seemingly over nothing, in their opinion), it would truly split the family apart and be more destructive in the long run. Family is important to DH and he does love them and does want to have a relationship with his family, but also wants to 'get over' the bad reactions his father seems to invoke, if that is possible. His father does not act aggressively toward DH, it's his general superior personality and attitude that is unnerving. He's not the violent man he used to be, but he's not a piece of cake either...unless we are stroking his ego, etc.


The answer to the second question, my response to FIL varies with the situation.

Sometimes I am there when he says something, sometimes I am not, but again, he does not overtly come out and bash DH over the head...it's more about his basic personality and selfishness at this point, than about abusive behavior, so it's not always appropriate for me to say anything to him. He can even be nice and has a good sense of humor, which is my typical way of dealing with him, through humor...that's how he and I connect.

However, I have set my FIL straight on several occasions, verbally, sometimes sarcastically (not in a MEAN way, but he gets my point). For instance, when DH and I started dating and I was invited to dinner for the first time, I was shocked at how his parents/DH didn't talk or interact at the dinner table, they ate quietly, not even making eye contact...my family, a large one with 7 kids, was loud, not out of control, but the dinner table was a place to talk, share ideas, have fun, tease in a HEALTHY way (puns), etc. Anyway, at said dinner at DH's house, I made a wise crack remark to his father (again, more like a pun, not a mean remark), which would have been typical at my dinner table, but neither DH nor his mother would have said anything like that, they never joked or teased with FIL...but, my FIL broke out with a huge Cheshire Cat grin and loved my sense of humor. He liked me and approved of me since then. Also, he knows he does not intimidate me...so I have a totally different relationship with him, of course, than DH does. DH does stand up to him as well, he will 'defend' himself, as needed, more now than ever, which is how he wants it to be. I am not the kind of wife to step in and fight DH's battles for him with FIL (again, that is how DH wants it to be), but, I would stand up to him as well, if things ever got totally out of control.



Our kids are usually around during family time, but not necessarily interacting with FIL. They know about their dad's upbringing and see that their dad forgave his father, but they also see their grandfather isn't a fun person to be around...he can sometimes pick on them too, in a sarcastic manner. FIL is also an oldest son, so he is used to being the 'big man' and picking on others. If we all go along with FIL's wishes and ideals, then it's fine, but DH does not fit in with FIL's idea of 'doing life' - so DH is open to his criticism. It is uncanny how genes/birth order affect personality...our oldest is very similar to my BIL and our youngest is much more like DH. That is another source of conflict for DH, he sees the sibling patterns coming out in our sons, however, they do not get violent with each other and we sit them down to make them work things out after an argument and have them apologize to each other...something DH's parents never did.


Yes, DH has had an anger problem on and off for years. He has not been perfect, but neither have I, nor has anyone...not speaking from denial here, or making excuses for DH's behavior, just giving him a break and also credit for doing the hard work to get past this, once and for all. He has been the best father he could be, he spends quality time with the boys, they are older now (oldest is 19, youngest is 14), taught them many things and had FUN with them, something FIL never did with his sons....he has been a very good and loving father, over all, especially considering his upbringing...our sons see his faults, but their relationships have also gotten much stronger and real since they have also seen their father working on his problems, they DO love their dad. DH never excused his anger, or said it was OK, or felt justified when he'd lose his temper, this is something that had plagued him for a long time and he is now doing something to change his behavior. He is a great guy, with a huge heart...he even picks worms up off the driveway after it rains, so he won't smush them with the car...he does not want to be angry anymore and is really handling things a lot better...which is also why he wants to get past this reaction with his dad...he doesn't want to let this get the better of him.


Sorry that got so long...I look forward to what you have to share Whitby and appreciate your input!

 

[Squirrly]

i''m glad i can give some support! and while calvin and hobbes isn''t something i read very often the statement is one i love and directed very much at my boy (who claims that i am in ''denial'' over the supposed fact that he loves me more)

and your DH picking up the worms off the driveway makes me smile, he''s such a sweetheart to do that!

 

[Ara Ann]

Date: 6/25/2009 10:44:00 AM
Author: Squirrly

i''m glad i can give some support! and while calvin and hobbes isn''t something i read very often the statement is one i love and directed very much at my boy (who claims that i am in ''denial'' over the supposed fact that he loves me more)


and your DH picking up the worms off the driveway makes me smile, he''s such a sweetheart to do that!

He saves spiders and insects too...when they are in the house, he traps them and releases them outside....the only bugs we kill are mosquitoes! He even helps injured wild animals...one day he saw a bird standing in the road that had been stunned by a car...DH stopped his car and stooped down to the bird, held out his finger and the bird climbed on...he was going to take it to the vet (in the car!) and stood there talking to it, ala ''Mary Poppins'' style and it flew off after a couple of minutes, after it came around...there are many more ''animal rescue'' stories...they seem to know he wants to help. LOL, sorry to get off track, but that''s the kind of person he is...and that''s what our sons have also grown up seeing...not a bad example to have.