Advice Needed

[Thomperchik]

Hello all! I''m hoping to get non-biased opinions on this situation.

Well, I finally decided to start dating and I decided to try match.com since I''ve heard many success stories.

I met this guy who was really nice and after a few emails, we talked on the phone for hours and we met the following weekend. We had seen each other for five weeks, once or twice a week. He lives in an hour away from me, so each time we would flip back and forth.

Last weekend, I finally met his friends, and I liked them all, and we all seemed to get along very well.

However, there are a few comments he made that sparked a red flag at the moment and it made me break it off with him, but I''m wondering if I overreacted. So here it goes, this is what he said to me,

-I was talking about something in the future and he said something along the lines of "yea, unless you don''t f*** up!" Which made me wonder why on earth I would do something like that? Or why he would even say something like that to me.
-Then he apologized for introducing me as his friend, and I told him it was no big deal, but then he mentioned "once you start putting labels, everything gets weird and awkward." Which to me it indicated he has some kind of commitment issues.
-Lastly, when we were leaving the bar that we were at, he mentioned "I''m surprised my friends liked you and were so vocal about it." Granted this could be taken in many different ways, but I''m not sure if he meant that he was surprised they actually liked me or the fact that they were so vocal about it.

Well, the following day, I kept thinking about all these things, and I''m not sure if I was over thinking all these words verbatim, or if in fact he has issues. So I told him that I thought it would be best if we stopped seeing each other and that it was nice getting to know him.

My question to you is, do you think I over reacted? I feel bummed out, because I actually liked him, but I want to dodge a bullet if I see warning signs going forward.

Like always,

Thanks!

 

[Maisie]

If it was me I would have lost interest after the 'yeah, unless you don't f***' up comment.

 

[Linda W]

Date: 6/13/2009 5:39:17 PM
Author: Maisie
If it was me I would have lost interest after the ''yeah, unless you don''t f***'' up comment.

I have to agree with Maisie on this one. I would not like being talked to like that at all. He also said he is surprised his friends liked you??? I wouldn''t like that comment either.

 

[1895femme]

I would have done the same thing.

 

[swingirl]

What was his reaction to you breaking it off?

It''s so hard to assess thing out of context but if it made you feel creepy it''s probably best to cool it.

 

[Thomperchik]

Date: 6/13/2009 5:47:47 PM
Author: swingirl
What was his reaction to you breaking it off?

It''s so hard to assess thing out of context but if it made you feel creepy it''s probably best to cool it.

His reply back was, "huh...ok..."

Thanks again everyone. I guess it takes sometimes a couple of dates to finally see how a person really is.

I didn''t appreciate it either, but I wasn''t sure if I was overreacting.

 

[purrfectpear]

You''ve only seen him 10 times or so and you''re already making judgements about whether he has "commitment" issues? Maybe he was just saying he was surprised that his friends were open about liking you because they usually don''t like his choice of girls to hang out with? In other words, nothing to do with you. While I agree that saying "unless you screw up" isn''t very PC, it''s probably honest. Haven''t we all thought that? Aren''t we all old enough to have experienced at least one or more relationships that started out good but ended in disappointment? I think he was just saying out loud what he was thinking. "yeah I see a possible future if you don''t screw up and turn out to be a crazy chick"

Anyway, he may indeed have issues. He may not be the guy for you. You may not be the girl for him. But..............you may have acted a little hasty too? Only you know what prompted you to break up. Are you just afraid of him leaving you, so you decided to leave first? Did you get weird vibes or is it YOUR issues?

Lotta questions. You''re the one with the answers. Good luck

 

[Thomperchik]

Date: 6/13/2009 5:57:45 PM
Author: purrfectpear
You''ve only seen him 10 times or so and you''re already making judgements about whether he has ''commitment'' issues? Maybe he was just saying he was surprised that his friends were open about liking you because they usually don''t like his choice of girls to hang out with? In other words, nothing to do with you. While I agree that saying ''unless you screw up'' isn''t very PC, it''s probably honest. Haven''t we all thought that? Aren''t we all old enough to have experienced at least one or more relationships that started out good but ended in disappointment? I think he was just saying out loud what he was thinking. ''yeah I see a possible future if you don''t screw up and turn out to be a crazy chick''

Anyway, he may indeed have issues. He may not be the guy for you. You may not be the girl for him. But..............you may have acted a little hasty too? Only you know what prompted you to break up. Are you just afraid of him leaving you, so you decided to leave first? Did you get weird vibes or is it YOUR issues?

Lotta questions. You''re the one with the answers. Good luck

PP - thanks for the reply! I just got weird vibes from it!

 

[icekid]

Date: 6/13/2009 6:01:42 PM
Author: Thomperchik

PP - thanks for the reply! I just got weird vibes from it!

Thomper- IMO this says it all. I personally did find some of the things he said to you a bit strange. Trust your gut!

 

[Haven]

It sounds like you went with your gut level reaction, which was to heed the fact that *something* about this guy just rubbed you the wrong way. It sounds like you did the right thing.

I understand what PP is saying, but I also know that I''ve ended things with guys for much less. Sometimes, you just don''t feel right with a person.

 

[bee*]

Date: 6/13/2009 6:29:22 PM
Author: icekid

Date: 6/13/2009 6:01:42 PM

Author: Thomperchik


PP - thanks for the reply! I just got weird vibes from it!

Thomper- IMO this says it all. I personally did find some of the things he said to you a bit strange. Trust your gut!

ditto icekid. I found the first comment a bit strange.

 

[LilyKat]

I think all of those phrases could be meant either way, in that I can see someone making them jokingly/to hide his awkward feelings/avoid putting pressure on you, just as easily as being a sign of real issues. I would go more by the general feeling you got from him. If there were weird vibes, you were right to trust that instinct.

How do you feel now? Are you, on the whole, feeling regret or relief?

 

[Hera]

I do, considering you didn''t give him a chance to explain his comments. It seems you made a lot of assumptions based on what he said.

Some thoughts: not surprising after 5 weeks that he would be surprised about talks of a future and still calling you a "friend". A conversation about where his general relationship goals would have been an appropriate topic. The first comment was a little uncalled for, but I didn''t see it as break up potential. It IS possible that his friends are hard-to-please and maybe were pleasantly surprised they liked you.

 

[atroop711]

the first 2 comments were enough for me...I would have said BYE-BYE...the last comment I wouldn''t have taken as anything wrong but maybe an indication that he usually dates ppl his friends don''t approve of.

Keep on looking and good for you for listening to your gut! It''s our best voice

 

[D&T]

well if you got weird vibes, you trusted your gut and by stop seeing him maybe you can reassess later, if he/you are still interested. Time away may help you/him clear things up jmho whether your goals are in the same line or not.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

If you felt like something was off...that''s probably because it was. If a guy is into you, he''s not going to make really blunt comments like he did...he''s going to "measure" his responses.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Following your gut is almost always the way to go

Although for the record, I've been out on dates where the guy was really nervous, and said really weird, borderline inappropriate things, but turned out he was just kind of tongue tied when nervous, and was blurting things out. He apparently found me a little intimidating and lost his conversational composure a bit, but he was a nice guy.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Thomper, I would have done the same thing. This one just wasn''t The Guy . . . keep looking!

 

[purrfectpear]

I think Thomper has to go with her gut instinct. Better to accidentally brush off a nice guy than to end up dating the wrong guy. Vibes count

 

[Thomperchik]

Thanks everyone!

Like always, your advice is greatly appreciated!

 

[killerqueen17]

I think the main thing here is the fact that you had weird overall feelings about the situation... From experience, those are a pretty decent indicator and ignoring any "weirdness" you sense just prolongs the inevitable breakup, IMO.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

As a now recovered serial internet dater I think you did the right thing. Sure he could have been nervous and not realized how he came off, or he could have really liked you and felt SO comfortable around you he could make comments like that and not realize he offended you. Or, he could just be a creep.

While the internet is great for meeting people, you can''t get an accurate feel for them until you meet and spend time with them in person. This is where your intuition comes into play. In my experience, my immediate (or early) reaction to someone/intuition is a great indicator of how they are and how the relationship will progress. They might seem fantastic on paper/screen and you can have amazing phone conversations, but if something sets off warning bells when you''re with them in person then listen to that reaction and move on. I would also take this as an opportunity to give him some feedback about his behavior (in a nice polite way of course). Some people don''t realize how their comments come across to people who don''t know them. This is dangerous with guys and the net because as they act like a$$es and keep getting dumped, their opinion of women declines and they start acting out more. It''s a vicious cycle and I say nip it in the bud when you can. For example:

"You seem like a nice guy, but I don''t think this is going to work out between us. I really liked your friends, and I had a nice time with you, but a few of the things you said the other night made me feel like we''re looking for different things from this experience."

"Well like what?"

Then you could go into your bullets (and deliver them seriously or with a somewhat joking tone)
-I was talking about something in the future and he said something along the lines of "yea, unless you don''t f*** up!" Which made me wonder why on earth I would do something like that? Or why he would even say something like that to me.
-Then he apologized for introducing me as his friend, and I told him it was no big deal, but then he mentioned "once you start putting labels, everything gets weird and awkward." Which to me it indicated he has some kind of commitment issues.
-Lastly, when we were leaving the bar that we were at, he mentioned "I''m surprised my friends liked you and were so vocal about it." Granted this could be taken in many different ways, but I''m not sure if he meant that he was surprised they actually liked me or the fact that they were so vocal about it.

 

[DiamondFlame]

You shd learn to trust your gut instincts. It cuts through all the BS that often comes with post event analysis.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 6/13/2009 8:34:08 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
If you felt like something was off...that''s probably because it was. If a guy is into you, he''s not going to make really blunt comments like he did...he''s going to ''measure'' his responses.

Ditto.

Comments like the ones he said to you MAY mean nothing, but they are huge red flags for me. Glad you erred on the side of caution.
My psycho-ex (as I affectionately refer to him) used to say weird things like that to me all the time when we started dating. My favorite:
"I can''t believe I''m not sick of you yet!"
Being 18 and convinced he was a catch, I remember thinking "Wow, I must be really special then!"

To me, those types of comments are strategically designed to pick away at your self esteem. Knowing what I know now, I would have made the same decision, regardless of if there was any chance he was joking.