Wedding Advice for my friend?

[Independent Gal]

My friend got engaged about a month ago and she's MISERABLE. The thing is, she hates making a big show of things, being a spectacle, dreads the idea of having a big wedding and generally is a private person. Her guy, on the other hand, is hopelessly cheesfully romantic, and thinks that the best thing about getting engaged is being able to tell everyone EVERYONE about it. He is elaborating the proposal story (which she thinks was really contrived and cheesy in the first place...the proposal that is) and telling everyone they meet. To the point where he kept stopping the car on their way back to the city after he proposed to call all his relatives and tell them. And he wants a HUGE wedding, as big as possible, with everyone he has ever met there because, as he says, they will all be SO HAPPY to see them get married.

He really believes that everyone EVERYONE is going to be just as happy as he is that they got engaged. It's not so much that he loves the attention, it's that he really wants to share the joy all over. Is this guy a little delusional? Yes. He definitely lives in a dream world to some extent. But his are happy delusions, and having an eternal optimist around that thinks the world is full of everyone's love and care isn't the worst thing to happen to a person (though it TOTALLY cheeses my friend out sometimes).

Anyway, she is trying to compromise, and says she can handle a 120 person brunch (there are 80 people on his 'I would die if X wasn't there' list... his parents haven't even got started yet). But he keeps adding more and more demands. For instance, he's always dreamed of his first dance with his new bride. She HATES dancing and would rather die. He suggested she just take lessons. She says "You. Aren't. Listening. To. Me." In fact, most of the wedding traditions make her want to puke.

Dude has been imagining his wedding practically since he was a kid. My friend is in conniptions she doesn't think she even wants to marry him anymore - which is extreme, sure. But he really isn't listening to her.

She says she wishes they could do it all over, but with less ridiculous hyped up romance. Just normal. NORMAL!

Anyway, so my question to you is this: can you think of compromise wedding ideas (styles, ideas, notions, thoughts, anything at all?) that would allow him to be able to 'share the love' without making her want to barf and go hide under a table?

Help!

 

[Independent Gal]

Oh, and in every other respect they are a perfect match.

And yes, they are planning to get some pre-marital counseling.

 

[CrownJewel]

Ohhhh dear. If he''s not listening to her, then I think the first thing we have to do is not find a way to compromise, but get him to listen. It sounds like if he''s not listening, he won''t want to compromise. She needs to sit him down, tie him up, tape his mouth shut and say, "If you want me to show up at this wedding, you need to chill out and work with me."

I kinda want to barf too...I just hope he learns to be more considerate of his bride.

 

[CrownJewel]

Date: 6/25/2008 5:45:58 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Oh, and in every other respect they are a perfect match.

And yes, they are planning to get some pre-marital counseling.

Phew! I was gonna say...those two need to get themselves in a comfy sofa and talk to someone.

 

[mimzy]

i know this is sort of a no-brainer, but could they agree on a private ceremony and then a party later, or a a all out brunch wedding strictly kept to 120 guests (or even smaller)? neither of them get her out of all the wedding hoopla completely, but it might be a start??

maybe if they each wrote out first what their dream wedding would be and then make a list of their priorities, they might 1)realize that maybe (just maybe???) their visions do have some things in common, and 2)will make his "everything" and her "nothing" a little more tangible and they can work and negotiate from there. that might also make him see that all the things he's dreamed about aren't just being stripped away and a void is left, they are being replaced by something equally meaningful and important (sort of like "small" vs. "intimate", if that makes sense)

whatever they do, they both are going to have to understand and accept that their wedding won't be exactly what either of them have dreamed of (which i'm sure your friend has already come to terms with)

and that they are both going to have to make huge compromises that they just straight up aren't happy about.

maybe they shouldn't even start planning until premarital counseling is well underway!

 

[Haven]

I have a colleague who was married on a beach with only seven people in attendance, and then they had a huge one-year anniversary bash. This was the compromise, because the MILs wanted a large wedding, and the couple didn''t. He says it was the best thing they ever could have done because all of the pressure was off for the anniversary bash, and the people they invited a year later were their "true" friends, and they all got to share in their joy, just one year after the marriage.

Just a thought.

 

[purrfectpear]

Wow, she sure wants to rain on his parade

I feel sorry for him. Asking your bride to dance at the reception is such a small thing.

I understand about limiting the size of the party because he is not the one picking up the tab right? I think whoever wants the enormous wedding with hundreds of guests should be willing to pay for it. If they don't then they should live with whatever is budgeted by the person who IS paying, IMO.

I guess I sympathize with Mr. Romance because there are so few romantic men that actually give a darn. It's a shame his FI sees cheese, when he sees love. I guess it is what it is. Sounds like neither one of them is going to be all that happy with the wedding

 

[calidaisy]

LOL ... i think your friend is my other half--the good twin sister i never met.
and your friend's situation is kind of like mine, even though my fi isn't the social-happy-delusional type.

nevertheless, i want to elope ... while my fi made our webpage (100% him; 0% me) with proposal stories et al.; researched and found our venue all on his own; made our STD card; and is making our invitation all by himself.

i think in our case, my fi is doing a LOT for a guy because he knows that i'm a private person who dreads being center of attention.

in your friend's case, i think he really has to listen to her and understand that she means it when she says she doesn't want a big wedding.
also, it might be easier if your friend made a budget and told him that certain things (i.e. dance lessons, big guest list, etc) are not permissible under their given budget.

i don't know ... it's tough.
i had to put my foot down and tell my fi that i will NOT dance and i refuse to take dance lessons for my wedding.
but whatever compromises she's making, she should make it clear that she's doing it for him, so that he'll be more willing to compromise as well?

btw, one thing my friend did at his wedding is he learned how to make flowers/ animals(?) with these long balloons and he was at one corner entertaining little kids by making all sorts of things with the balloons. he said it was to let the guests know that he was preoccupied with a "good cause" ... and it sort of got attention off of him. maybe your friend should do something like that?

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 6/25/2008 5:50:51 PM
Author: CrownJewel

I kinda want to barf too...

I know eh? He can be very frustrating sometimes. My friend wants to yell at him "Honey I really love you, but your third cousin twice removed whom you haven''t spoken to in 10 years does not care that we just got engaged OK!?! OK!?"

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 6/25/2008 7:00:31 PM
Author: mimzy
i know this is sort of a no-brainer, but could they agree on a private ceremony and then a party later, or a a all out brunch wedding strictly kept to 120 guests (or even smaller)? neither of them get her out of all the wedding hoopla completely, but it might be a start??


maybe if they each wrote out first what their dream wedding would be and then make a list of their priorities, they might 1)realize that maybe (just maybe???) their visions do have some things in common, and 2)will make his 'everything' and her 'nothing' a little more tangible and they can work and negotiate from there. that might also make him see that all the things he's dreamed about aren't just being stripped away and a void is left, they are being replaced by something equally meaningful and important (sort of like 'small' vs. 'intimate', if that makes sense)


whatever they do, they both are going to have to understand and accept that their wedding won't be exactly what either of them have dreamed of (which i'm sure your friend has already come to terms with)

and that they are both going to have to make huge compromises that they just straight up aren't happy about.


maybe they shouldn't even start planning until premarital counseling is well underway!

Great ideas Mimzy! I'll pass them along. Part of the problem is that my friend, like me, and all our other friends just never dreamed of a wedding at all. In fact, in her case, she thought she would never get married. Her family are even kind of baffled that she 'wants' a wedding as they think it's a waste (they are very well-off, they just think weddings are dumb). They will be footing the tab for whatever is decided, and that's another issue since her FI's the one who wants a big do.

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 6/25/2008 7:14:29 PM
Author: Haven
I have a colleague who was married on a beach with only seven people in attendance, and then they had a huge one-year anniversary bash. This was the compromise, because the MILs wanted a large wedding, and the couple didn''t. He says it was the best thing they ever could have done because all of the pressure was off for the anniversary bash, and the people they invited a year later were their ''true'' friends, and they all got to share in their joy, just one year after the marriage.


Just a thought.

It''s a good thought. It''s the thought my friend likes best so far! She doesn''t think he''ll go for it, but she''s gonna try.

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 6/25/2008 7:31:27 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Wow, she sure wants to rain on his parade

I feel sorry for him. Asking your bride to dance at the reception is such a small thing.


I understand about limiting the size of the party because he is not the one picking up the tab right? I think whoever wants the enormous wedding with hundreds of guests should be willing to pay for it. If they don't then they should live with whatever is budgeted by the person who IS paying, IMO.

I guess I sympathize with Mr. Romance because there are so few romantic men that actually give a darn. It's a shame his FI sees cheese, when he sees love. I guess it is what it is. Sounds like neither one of them is going to be all that happy with the wedding

I feel sorry for him tooo! Even she feels sorry for him. She would love to just be able to make him happy. He is such a sweetheart, he really is, and that is partly why she loves him. And my friend is a bit of a buzzkill, it's true. But dancing, for her, is NOT a small thing. It will totally ruin her time. She is a naturally anxious person, and if she has to dance, all she'll do is think about the dancing and be miserable through the whole thing.

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 6/25/2008 7:53:09 PM
Author: calidaisy

btw, one thing my friend did at his wedding is he learned how to make flowers/ animals(?) with these long balloons and he was at one corner entertaining little kids by making all sorts of things with the balloons. he said it was to let the guests know that he was preoccupied with a ''good cause'' ... and it sort of got attention off of him. maybe your friend should do something like that?

Interesting idea. Actually, I''m sitting here KILLING myself thinking about my friend making balloon animals.

But I like the ''principal''. I wonder if she could work with that? I''ll suggest it to her!

 

[mimzy]

hmm, a few other thoughts.

maybe for a first dance, they could dance somewhere private. maybe at the alter of wherever they get married after everyone has left or at the reception before anyone has entered? that way he still gets his dance and she gets to avoid being in front of everyone?

also, maybe she should encourage him to put together a killer wedding announcement afterwards to send to everyone that he wants to invite (but wouldn't likely be able to). it could be more elaborate than normal, with a few pictures and a story or two. that way he'll be able to 'spread the love' so to speak without her having to actually have them at the wedding. it would also give him something 'big' to put his energy into.

maybe if he is dead set on having a huge wedding reception still, they could do something very very informal like a bbq or something, and set the atmosphere so that no one would miss a first dance or introductions or bouquet toss or something because nothing about it would be super weddingy. it would be more of a get together than a celebration of their marriage, and the focus wouldn't be on them so much. he'd be sacrificing most of the tradition, but he'd get all the people he wanted, and she might not feel so much pressure? maybe?

just a few more thoughts! i hope that they can work something out

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Man this is really frustrating. And gosh what they want is totally opposite of each other.

Honestly, I have to side with your friend. The guy needs to give a bit. He is asking for too much I think. And maybe she needs to allow a few more people. The happy medium would be either private ceremony big party like Mimzy said, or maybe a medium sized ceremony and party. What about a destination wedding, is it an option?

 

[honey22]

This is probably not the solution but many destination venues have ''web link weddings''. Bride and groom run off with immediate family and get hitched - feels intimate, private, low-key etc. Camera (unobtrusive of course) is rolling in the background capturing every second of wedding and streams it onto the net, live in high quality. Only those with a password can access the link and watch the wedding unfold. The 80 or so people won''t have to die coz technically they will see them get married, and bride will be all chilled out as her small intimate wedding.

When it comes down to it, a marriage is all about compromise. It sounds like your friend is willing to compromise to 120 guests (which is massive IMO, especially when she wants a small intimate wedding) however the groom doesn''t sound like he is coming to the party so to speak. It worrying that they can''t reach a compromise on their wedding day!

 

[allycat0303]

Indy,

Well I kind of sympathize with her in the sense that my guy keeps on saying "you only do this once in your life, so it should be amazing" WHATEVER. Ok. Honestly, though, if he''s dreamt of this his whole life, and she hasn''t, then I think she kind of has to ride with it. I kind of think if it REALLY means a lot to one partner then you go with it for the sake of your SO.

What I am doing (to make this silly circus wedding a semblance of what I want) is that we''re going to write each other our own vows (I''m a total atheist and getting married in a catholic church

) and saying them privately to each other by the water, right before sunset. The plan is to leave for about 40 minutes during the reception so that we can have a private "ceremony" by the water just between me and him. That way, I''ll feel like this is about "us" and not just throwing a wedding.

Send her some positive vibes for me!

 

[bee*]

I think it''s lovely that he wants to tell everyone that he''s engaged-it''s nice to see a man that is so excited about it! I think that they have to have some sort of compromise-I like that idea of a private ceremony and then they can have a bigger reception afterwards. For things like dancing, I think that she should have a dance with him. How many men hate dancing, yet on the wedding day, they''re up there shuffling around. It''s a shame that he''s not listening to her though-hopefully they can get it all sorted out.

 

[lliang_chi]

For the first dance, tell your friend to have the MC invite the bridal party and/or open the dance floor like 1 min after they start their dance. That way your friend isn''t the center of attention. She can have the bridal party (if she has one) or good friends (like you!) just waltz on and buffer her so people get the idea that, yes, we DO want you on the dance floor.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Feel sorry for the guy?? Pffft, I feel sorry for your friend!

Seriously, if weddings don't float your boat but you know it's important to your future husband, it makes you feel like having a big wedding is something you have to do.

If I were your friend, I would put the breaks on any immediate wedding planning. He's still hyped up about being engaged like a kid on a sugar high. They both need to let it settle for a month or two before thinking aobut what they want. Maybe if he takes a break, he'll be able to approach the wedding with more logic and less hype.

I did not want a wedding. At all. DH did, but he wasn't quite as insistant on a huge wedding. He wanted our families there, which I respected. I think that having them talk about WHY they want the weddings they want is really important. I have no doubt they can come to a compromise.

Then I would recommend they take on tasks that matter the most to them. He wants a great band? He can find it. She wants good food? No problem! I think that when you incorporate the things that both of you love, it shows.

I wish your friend luck! I hope they just relax for a bit and stop worrying about the planning...they should just be enjoying this time!

 

[sklingem]

I also feel sorry for the guy - to some degree. I think that is it sad when someone does not get excited about the engagement - the least I would do is call all of my friends! I do have to say that couples have to agree on the size of the wedding and compromise on it. Now it is NOT too much to ask for a first dance - no matter your degree of adversity to it. I also suspect that if a GUY acted the way she did with regards to the wedding, a lot of people would be all over him for ruining the wedding and not agreeing to her wishes.

They need to talk it over for sure, set priorities and enjoy each other!! And if these things bring about thoughts of not wanting to get married anymore - then maybe marriage is the wrong thing for you in the first place. Hey, some people cohabit their entire lives. Just need to find the right partner for it.

 

[gwendolyn]

I agree with NEL about putting the brakes on the planning for a while. Although J and I aren''t engaged yet, we''ve been talking about wedding plans for over a year now, and have found a TON of common ground that wasn''t apparent at the start (I wanted to elope, J wanted to invite the world). Now, it''s obviously not practical to suggest your friend talk things over for a year with her intended before they start planning, but hopefully she doesn''t have any immigration (or other) time constraints so she can take a few months to figure out what the real necessities are for each other and get used to the idea of compromising on the wedding (great practice for the rest of their life together!).