A thread about Friendships

[Elmorton]

I just read this book: The Girls from Ames by Jeffery Zaslow and it was WONDERFUL. A definite MUST READ for all women, of any age. The point of the book was to examine the role that friendships play in women''s lives.

It made me think about my friends and the stage that we are in our lives, and I wondered what stories others have about their friends. Are you and your friends the same age? Do they live near you? How long have you been close? What is the hardest milestone that your friendship has gone through? How are your friends there to support you? How many friends do you keep close to you? How do you communicate? Tell me about your friendships!

 

[KimberlyH]

I am close with two women, S and D, who grew up together (I did not grow up with them, I met them when I was in my mid-twenties) and then have three other close girlfriends, T, H, and M who do not know each other well (if at all).

Are you and your friends the same age?

I am 31. S, D, and T are 37, H is 31, and M is 35.

Do they live near you?

M lives near me. S, D, T, and H all live about 600 miles away.

How long have you been close?

I have known T since I was 20, we met in a college class and were instant friends.

I met S, D, and H when I was 24.

I met S and D through a mutual friend (they are still close with the mutual friend, I am not). It took a while for us to become close. S, D, and I hung out in the same circles and became friends over a six month period.

H and I worked together, she and I became friendly at work and remain friendly, get together for dinners when I'm in town, etc., although we are not as close as I am to my other friends.

What is the hardest milestone that your friendship has gone through?

T was married 4 years before me and has two children. After her first was born she decided we were leading two very different lives and she couldn't be a part of mine anymore (I was getting ready to move away to be near my then boyfriend, now husband). I hadn't changed much, except for maturing, over the years and it was very difficult for me as I was her maid-of-honor, threw her baby shower for her, and my home was used as a landing place for her and her family after her first was born premature and remained in the hospital (which was across the street from my apt.) for several weeks, in other words she was like family and my parents treated her so as well. I was devestated. We didn't speak for about a year, about 4 months before I was married I reached out to her, and she was stunned but thrilled. It was hard to let go of what she had done, but it mattered more to me that she be in my life. We're not like we used to be, distance and time have changed some of that, but she is still one of my dearest friends.

S, M, H, and I have never had any real conflict in our friendships.

D has struggled in her marriage and I may have said some things she wasn't too fond of, but she and I have never had a true conflict either.

How are your friends there to support you?

I would say D and T are my biggest support at this point in my life. In the past S filled that role in a large way (she and I used to go everywhere and do everything together before I moved). D and T know me well, but especially T. She always has the right words, or no words when it's appropriate.

How many friends do you keep close to you?

As I said, I am closest to D, T, and S. I consider H and M my friends, but I confide in them less.

How do you communicate?

M lives nearby. We go to lunch every few weeks to a month and email, neither of us is too big on the phone.

I attempt to visit Northern California ,where T, D, S, and H all live, biannually, but it doesn't always work out. We email, call, text. Not as often as we should but it's so nice that even when we lose touch for a bit we always pick up right where we left off.

 

[Skippy123]

Elmorton I wrote a response to your questions and lost my post, oh well. I do have some close friends of varying ages; I feel blessed to have good friends and I talk to them a few times throughout the year and get together a few times a year. Some friends I talk to more often than others, not because of anything, just the way it happens.

I tend to do lunch dates with friend or have summer parties and have them over for a barbecue. I tend to become friends with coworkers since you work so closely with people so after work we remain friends, even if we move on from jobs, etc. We talk on the phone from time to time; I have a friend I have known for several years call me up and we reconnected on the phone and we have plans for lunch soon. I am pretty laid back when it comes to friendship; I don't require people to call me all the time etc. In fact I prefer it that way since I am busy with family but I do consider my neighbors close friends and we are always there for each other too!

I will have to read your book suggestion; sounds like a great read!

 

[Elmorton]

Awww, what thoughtful responses! Kimberly, I loved reading about your friends.

I should probably answer my own question I have a close friend here and there that I''ve picked up at camp or college (I don''t really have any from "adulthood"), but the book made me think of my close group of girlfriends from HS. We weren''t really a formulated group back then, even though we''d known each other from 2nd/5th grade - I was close with J starting in 7th grade, and her next door neighbor and closest friend was M. M was close with A and W by being on the HS bball team/sharing classes. Though high school, M and I were pretty good friends and A, W and I were more periphery friends. In college, I was home for a summer and bored to tears, J was hanging out with her new boyfriend, and so I called M. She said she was headed out to a bar with A and W, and by the end of the summer, it was the 4 of us - we were together pretty much every night. For every summer after that, we would try to spend all breaks at home with each other instead of with our families. Sometimes there were only 3 of us, due to internships or study abroad, but we''d e-mail or call the 4th just to make sure she was caught up.

A got married the year we were done with college, and then A, M, and I went to grad school. W went into the Army and was stationed in Germany, and then Iraq, which was pretty scary for the 3 of us stateside. Strangely, I think we all grew a lot closer to W because we were always thinking of her when she was gone. She''s currently in Iraq now, actually, but thankfully it''s a much shorter assignment this time. This summer, M is getting married (A and I are BMs, W was asked too but can''t get back), and W recently got engaged, so we''ll be meeting up again next winter for her wedding.

It''s weird to me - the first time we hung out, I thought that these girls would be my summer drinking buddies - we all went to different colleges and still live very far apart (though A and I are only a couple hours apart), and we don''t really call for long chats the way I still do with J or other friends. But we are together when it counts (weddings, send-offs, girls'' weekends, holidays back home) and I really treasure their friendships. It''s low-maintenance, but these girls know me, and love me despite my flaws. And, I love talking to them as we have been figuring out life on our own/within marriages in different corners of the country/world - I admire them a lot. Already, there''s been talk of doing vacations just as us 4 (since M and W will both be military wives very soon), and then with our husbands (they all get along well, though they don''t know each other as well). I really think (and hope) that these women will be around for the long haul.

There was a stat in the book that if women are still friends by age 40, they''ll likely be that way for life. I''m 26, so we have a long way to go in terms of meeting that mark, but I hope that we''ll be that lucky.

 

[Sabine]

Well most people on here already know my best friend, Robbie3982, who introduced me to PS when we were working on planning her wedding. We''ve known each other since middle school, but our friendship really started to develop in high school. We went to separate colleges, and I think that actually brought us closer together after we sort of went our separate ways Freshman year, because we were able to grow separately and experience new things on our own, and then turn back to each other for support.

We are the same age, and we seem to be taking similar paths in our lives. We got engaged within a week of each other, got married within a year of each other, and now are having babies within a few months of each other. I honestly don''t think that the other experiencing these milestones has really influenced each other too much, but it has been wonderful to experience them together and have the support of someone who knows exactly what I am going through.

We haven''t lived in the same area since high school, but Robbie and her dh settled in our hometown, where dh and I hope to settle EVENTUALLY, but it won''t be for a few more years after dh is finsihed with his Navy requirements. We communicate through instant messenger (yes, still use it just to talk to her!) and on the phone. Before she had her little miracle, we were talking almost every day.

It will really be interesting to see how our relationship changes as we become new mothers. But I am confident that no matter how it changes, we will always be there to support each other.

 

[zoebartlett]

Are you and your friends the same age?

Most of my friends and I are either the same age or a year apart. I have a few friends/former colleagues who are 5 years younger and one who is in her early fifties.

Do they live near you?

Well, we just moved out of state, so right now, none of my close friends live near me. Tacori and Princesss, however, do live near me now. It would be great to get to know them better.

How long have you been close?

I have one friend whom I met when she was still in the hospital after being born (I''m 6 months older). Our moms used to work together and my mom took me to the hospital to meet her. She''s my first friend. My other friends and I have been close either while growing up, since high school, or since college. My former colleagues and I have been friends for about 4 years (almost 5), when I began working at the school that I just left.

What is the hardest milestone that your friendship has gone through?

My husband and I don''t have kids yet and all of our friends do. That''s been hard because we''re not in the same place in that regard. Some of my friends have 9-11 year olds and others have kids who are babies. My husband and I don''t fall into either group yet, and that''s been hard. I love getting together with my college roommates, but we usually spend most of the time talking about kids, and I don''t have much to contribute (other than talking about my students, which obviously isn''t the same).

How are your friends there to support you?

We call each other for advice, and we try to see each other as often as possible.

How many friends do you keep close to you?

I have different groups of friends from different stages/places in my life. I met one friend in grad school 9 years ago, and I''d consider her one of my closest friends. She''s probably the one who understands me most because we''ve gone on similar paths and I relate to her really well. I have two college roommates who I''m really close to and one I see occasionally. Three friends are from my childhood, middle school, and high school. I have 5 former colleagues who I''m friends with.

How do you communicate?
I love talking on the phone but I know not all of my friends do. If we don''t talk on the phone, we communicate through e-mail.

Tell me about your friendships!

I take my friendships seriously, and my friends know that I''d be there for them whenever needed. It''s been hard because some of my friends and I lived in different parts of New England and we didn''t see each other as often as we would have liked. Now that we''re living 16 hours away from home, I''m not sure how often we''ll see each other. I hate living so far away from them but we''ll still call and e-mail just as often.

 

[elrohwen]

This is an interesting thread!

I have a few groups of friends. I'm still reasonably close with a few girls from high school and we keep in touch by having blogs that we just share as a group. It's a good way to keep everyone updated and hear about each other's lives. I'm actually going to one of the girl's weddings on Friday. With that said, we're very different people, for the most part, but we have kind of a sister-hood bond. I'll always be there for them, but I'll admit that we've grown apart a bit as we've taken different roads.

I have a lot of friends from college who I try to see as much as possible. Unfortunately my best girlfriend lives in LA now (I'm in CT), but we try to talk on the phone once every month or so. It's hard though. Other friends live much closer and we try to see them a few times a year. We had a major of 60-some people that were very close for the most part. Even if I don't talk to some of them for years, I know we can pick right back up if we get together again. We're like our own nerdy engineering co-ed frat

Then there are my local friends, mostly people FI works with and a few I work with. They're mostly significantly older (8-10 years, so mid-30s while we're 25) but we fit in with them really well. They're also all couples, one with a kid (most don't want kids, or at least not soon, another reason we fit in so well with them), and are great fun to hang out with. I hope that even if we move, we still keep in touch with some of them that we've become close to. They're great to go out to dinner with, go on vacations with, etc.

I'll admit that I'm sometimes bad with keeping up with friends ... I prefer the type I can not talk to for a long time, then pick back up with no issues. I don't like the dramatic friends who get upset that you haven't called them for a while, etc. I like easy friendships! Haha. The ones who bring joy into my life, but don't make it more difficult. I'm very lucky to have many friends who fit that description.

Ok, this got really long

ETA: I tend to have many more guy friends than girls, so I do really treasure the few close girlfriends I have (best friend from college, a work friend, etc).

 

[whitby_2773]

I have 2 very close girlfriends – Wendy and Deb – but I thought I’d tell you a little about Wendy.

Wendy and I have been friends for almost 33 years. We met on a beach in Australia when I was 16 and she was 18 and we developed a friendship over the years. It was with Wendy that I did a lot of the crazy things of youth; I remember late at night, sitting in a harborside park on Sydney Harbour, looking at all the city lights, eating kebabs and smoking, then driving to the other side of the city where I lived, and spraying out mouths with No 5 by Chanel trying to disguise the cigarette smell (that stuff does NOT taste as good as it smells!). When I was at college, it was Wendy who I called to say “I’ve met this guy….” and when I moved out of college and was a struggling student while she was working, it was Wen who would turn up with a basket full of groceries.

Wendy was an only child, and my sister moved out of home when she married when I was 18. Consequently, Wendy and I became like sisters. So when both our mothers and her father died when I was between the ages of 20 and 22 (22 and 24 for her) we banded together and stuck close; we became each other’s family. When she had a disastrous relationship and went to Europe for 6 months, I wrote to her every day, sitting in class at university, bundling it all up together and sending the letters, diary-like, to whatever Australian embassy was closest to wherever she was going to be at the time. When she came home and her house was still rented out, she came and lived with us for a while, and we never fought, never argued, never did anything except enjoy each other’s company.

Twenty three years ago, when Tim and I wanted to buy our first (small and cheap!) house and had no money, Wendy put up a 37.5% deposit for us and we promised her it would be the best investment she ever made. Over the coming years, we helped put her sons through private school, paid for braces, bought her a car… we’ve always pooled our finances and have always worked off the ‘what I have is yours’ philosophy. This has worked both ways – in bad times and good – and it was my pleasure to organize her 50th birthday party last year. I organized a lunch at a cliff top restaurant overlooking the ocean in Sydney with 14 of her closest friends, and coordinated a present pool from which we bought her a new convection oven. I must have sent over a hundred emails for this event and made over 50 phone calls. Tim and I (who now live in NY) sent roses along with a letter to be read out, then the following weekend flew her out to NY (part of our gift to her), where we arranged for one of her oldest friends to fly over from London for the weekend. We gave her some Italian china as a gift and a pair of diamond earrings – exactly the same size as her parents gave her when she turned 21, but which she had sold over the years of her marriage due to financial reasons. I’ll never forget the look on her face when she arrived in NY – exactly on her birthday - and her friend, Paul, opened the door. It was one of the best ‘surprised’ reactions I’ve ever seen.

When she got engaged, it was Tim and I who put the announcement in the newspaper, and it was Tim who walked her down the aisle. I was there when she had her children – holding her hand and telling her to breathe – and then when my father died when I was 27 it was Wendy who came to find me to tell me he’d dropped dead on a squash court at the seemingly healthy age of 52. We were (oddly) in hospital at the same time having tumors removed – hers a breast lump and mine an abdominal tumor. We’ve shared numerous health scares together - but a thousand times more laughs – hilarious, side splitting laughter that cleans out your sinuses and makes tears roll down your cheeks.

I was with her every step of the way when she went through her divorce from the man who turned out to be ‘her loser husband’, flying her over to NY when it got too much and she needed to get a long way away. Every day we’d talk on the phone for over an hour – NY to Sydney – hours of pain and sadness shared, and many times I’d get off the phone and call various of her friends to coordinate a support network for her when I thought she was getting too close to that shaky edge.

I’ve lived away from home now for 9 years, and it’s been wonderful - but tough. So every spare vacation she’s packed her stuff up and come to NY to be with me. She’s just gone home after being here for 12 weeks, and I miss her terribly. For someone on the other side of the world, she’s supported me more than I would have thought possible. We talk on the phone every day, we send stuff back and forth ALL the time, and if ever I really need her, she’s here. When I got stuck in LA with pneumonia 3 years ago she was on a plane immediately to come over and nurse me for 10 days till I was well enough to fly. In all this time, never a fight, never a coldness, never a raising of voices or a wishing each of us were somewhere else. Not once.

I know most posts are never read – especially the long ones. But I can’t ignore a thread that gives me an opportunity to talk about one of the best friendships I’ve ever seen. To me, this is what constitutes a lifelong best friend, and it’s a rare blessing indeed.

 

[doodle]

whitby, you made me tear up (and I NEVER do that). How beautiful!!!

I have a group of ten girls, myself included, who have all been really close for at least seven years, some of whom have been close friends for more like 16 years. We''re all in the 24-28 range. It''s kind of funny--out of the girls in the group I am closest to, one is my best friend from elementary school, one from middle school, one from high school, and one from college! It''s a neat group because all of us are close, and all of us have different people within the group that we are closer to, so it''s kind of like several sets of best friends who became best friends, but it''s a lot of fun having such a large support base. We get everyone together every year for Christmas, rent a cabin, and go crazy for a weekend, and we''ve recently started having gatherings more often because so many of us have now gotten married and/or have settled down enough to have a house that people can visit instead of nasty college apartments, haha! I love my girls, and I think for the most part, our friendships have helped us become better people. I honestly don''t know what I''d do without them!

 

[soocool]

I have 10 close female friends, 1 of whom is my sister.

Are you and your friends the same age?

I am 52. My sister, CeeCee, is 55. M1 is 43, M2 is 51, and the rest are my age either 52 or 53.

Do they live near you?
My sister lives in NJ but within 20 miles of where I live in SE PA.
M1 lives in central Jersey about 30 miles from me, M2 lives a couple of blocks from me, D1 lives in Tenn (moved there 3 years ago). G lives down the shore in NJ (about 1 hour from me, and the rest live in NJ about 1- 1/2 hrs from me

How long have you been close?

Believe it or not my sister and I were not close until after we were adults; we became close right around the time she was getting married.

M1 I have known she she was 2 1/2 yrs old; I was a mother''s helper to her mom and thought of her a my little sister. At age 8 she and her family moved to England and she came back to the US when she was 16.

M2 I have known for 10 years and she is my local BFF who I can call anytime during the day or night for anything.

The rest are my friends since freshmen year in high school, G,D1, D2, S, Mary, Marie, and Maria (lots of "M" friends). G and I were actually BF in hs and she wasn''t part of the rest of the hs group because she went down the shore every weekend and summers and didn''t hang out with us. G still doesn''t get together with the rest of us.

What is the hardest milestone that your friendship has gone through?

I was the last of my friends to have a child. The next youngest child is now 22, so my DD didn''t hang out with my friends'' kids. 3 of my friends did not have kids, and 2 are single, though one has a SO and they live together.

The year my hs friends (excluding G) and I turned 50 we spent a long weekend down in Atlantic City having a great time and spent the whole time reminiscing about hs and talking about what we think we missed out on and if we had a chance to do it all again what would we have done differently. We spilled our guts to each other that weekend and found that we had become closer than ever.

How are your friends there to support you?

My friends are always there when I need a shoulder to cry on. There are times when I can''t talk to my sister about something and my friends are there to listen.

M1 had a breast cancer and just got her clean bill of health a few months ago. Her mom, just like mine died 2 years ago from breast cancer, just a couple months apart. Now her dad suffers from Parkinson''s and she justs gets so frustrated that we have been calling each other everyday just so she can maintain some sanity in her life and try to get and stay healthy.


How do you communicate?
Phone, email, and now FB. I get together with my hs friends for special events and parties. G (who lives down the Jersey shore) and I get together about once a year (she doesn''t like to drive). My sister and M2 often hang out together and my sister and her have become great friends as well. M1 and I mostly communicate thru email and FB.

For a while G and I lost touch. She didn''t want to come to my wedding and I wasn''t invited to hers. ( We both married in our 30s and G 4 years after me.) I was very hurt by all this. When her dad died last year I sent an email to the Legacy website expressing my condolences and she emailed me back. I asked her why she did not want to come to my wedding and she finally and broke down and told me why. There were no hard feelings and we had picked up from where we had left off. We have been taliking on the phone and emailing each other every week since last year.