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A little of those PS good vibes or dust, please?

I’m so sorry @monarch64, it must’ve been very difficult for you knowing it could be the last time you saw your Dad. I hope he rallies, but if it is his time, he’ll have the memory of the precious time you spent together.
 
junebug17 said:
I'm really sorry @monarch64, such a painful and sad time for you. I'm sending lots of comfort and support to you and your family. (((hugs)))
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+ a billion. Healing vibes across the miles...

kind regards--Sharon
 
Sending you wishes for strength. Think of the good times he had, and draw strength from them. He is a lucky man to have had younger his child, and you were lucky too. Stay strong.
 
Thank you all so, so much. I feel the love and sadness and empathy from your posts. I’m so appreciative of each of you taking the time to send thoughts and prayers and healing vibes.

My mom has been his caretaker for all these years, they’ve been married for 51 years which have not all been great. She has advocated for him every step of the way and I know he wouldn’t have survived this long without her incredible strength and dedication. She went to meet with their attorney and accountant yesterday and again this morning. Meanwhile he’s been put on a CPAP to see if that helps with his breathing, and he just needs to sign 1-2 more things to make sure his family is well provided for in the event he should not survive. I’m still holding out hope, but he may be hanging on for us to make sure he feels at peace that he can leave this world knowing he really did everything he could for our family.

The last few times I’ve spent with my dad have been bittersweet. I think he knew he was getting close to the end, because he really opened up to me in conversations about things like his time served in the Army/Vietnam, and his struggles with mental health, and some other personal stuff. He has led quite the life. His last mission was the culmination of 3 years of gathering information and evidence and letters from various oncologists and physicians to present to the VA backing up his asking for compensation for his health deterioration due to exposure to agent Orange during the Vietnam war. I drove him to Indianapolis for the final court hearing on October 14. He never gave up and never let anyone tell him that couldn’t be done and he got his hearing. I’m not sure when we will find out the ruling, but I am hopeful for him that he gets his due from the country he gave up so much for.

My dad wouldn’t talk about Vietnam for a very long time. Really not until about the past 5 years or so. He used to say if people were actually there they wouldn’t want to talk about it either. My mother would warn us kids not to wake him up because he might think he was somewhere else and hit us. He was a drinker for a long time, until my mother gave him an ultimatum when I was about 10 (he’d have been in his 40s) and he quit cold turkey and hasn’t touched a drop since.

He brought a lot of pictures back from his Vietnam deployments. He flew a helicopter with messages from one point to another during the war. He flew over a no signal zone so had no way to request help every single time. There was a family there who sort of took him in and he speaks of them so highly still. The husband was in the Vietnamese army, and I guess since my dad was intelligence instead of dropping bombs and killing people they accepted him. I think that young couple figured they were all sort of in it together, voluntarily or not. They had a little child and one Christmas all the US soldiers got together and bought Christmas presents for the kids in whatever town they were in. Pictorial evidence documents this—a big table full of shiny packages. Can you imagine living through that awful time and developing a friendship with the other side? I think it’s remarkable and an amazing glimpse into some of what really happens during wars.

My dad was never a violent person. We had guns, yes, but he taught my brother and me to shoot rifles and that was it. They were mostly kept locked away and when my dad first came home from his initial surgeries to remove the first rounds of cancer my mother had my brother come over and remove them from the house. She was very worried my dad would become depressed (he was given a permanent colostomy) and try to end his life. He never said a thing.

During the drive back from that court hearing, we talked and talked about so many things. He always has stories to tell and they’re never the same ones. As stoic and stern as he typically is, he’s also hilarious and we laughed a lot. When we arrived back home he asked me if I would take my daughter to several cemeteries where all her ancestors are buried, and he asked me again last night. I think it was his way of saying “don’t forget me, and make sure all of our memories live on for the next generations.” If that’s his last request you better believe we’ll be making biannual trips to graves every year now.

I am so sad, but still comforted knowing we’ve had all this time together. He never has been one to talk on the phone much, but the 4 years I was in college he sent me a letter every single week, written on a small yellow legal pad, wrapped around some “spending money.” I kept every one of those letters. I’ll be reading them again someday soon.
 
Sending dust and a big hug to you
 
I'm so sorry about your dad. It's incredibly harder to watch them age and deteriorate than we ever imagined. Losing a parent is surreal and difficult for many reasons, be it a good relationship or not. It doesn't matter what their age is or if we know it's an "any day now" situation. It just sucks. I hope he can have some peace at the end.

They're always with us, but always missed. I still can't grasp the loss of my mom, and it's been almost two years. She was 90 and I'm not a little kid....but I still want my mommy.

Enjoy the butterflies and sunsets, and cherish them always.
 
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm glad you've been able to see him. Sending you hugs and good vibes, Monnie.
 
@monarch64 It takes a lot to draw me out of lurkerdom these days but your lovely words about your dad (and your mom) made me cry.

It sounds like life and the war handed your dad a lot of challenges and did the same for all of you as a family. And as hard as that must have been and still is, it also helped mold you into the caring, empathetic people you are today. He sounds like a great dad, your mom sounds amazing and deserves a big hug from all of us, and we already know what a wonderful person you are. All of this is hard because you love him so much and don't want to see him go, but it's that same love that shows you how lucky you are to have had him in your life. And that's what you'll remember when he's gone.
 
HI:

Your reflections and narratives are beautiful, Monnie. While I am teary and sad, you've made my day. Thank you for sharing.

kind regards--Sharon
 
Oh what a hard time. You write so beautifully about your father. Sending love to you, peace to him, and strength to you both.
 
You are such a sweet daughter. Your dad has given you so many gifts. Sending you prayers and comfort.
 
So sorry to hear your dad isn't doing well, @monarch64. Thanks for telling us about your dad. Sounds like he had a really interesting life and you have an wonderful bond with him. Sending you and your family loads of PS dust for strength and healing during this challenging time.

On a related note, my uncle has had some health issues that my aunt attributes to Agent Orange. I send them articles on the topic whenever I see one.
 
Sending many positive thoughts, prayers and strength to you, your dad and your family. I'm so sorry. Your father sounds like an incredible man. Thank you for sharing :cry2:
 
Wishing you strength and positive thoughts for your dad.
 
Thank you all so much. I’ve read through the comments several times, and I feel so supported and cared for. Thank you, really. And I’m sorry that I made anyone cry or feel upset. I also appreciate those tears and emotions —humans can be so sweet and vulnerable and kind in ways they don’t even know fill others’ hearts.

So. Dad is still not intubated but that is looming along with a feeding tube. He has not eaten anything solid since last week, has just had ice chips and a bite of pudding with oral meds here and there the past few days, along with shots of potassium. This is not good. I mean, it is what it is, but without proper nutrition (feeding tube) he’s walking a fine line now.

Since his CPAP is apparently on top of his oxygen apparatus he isn’t able to speak. Mom said he was spelling words by drawing letter by letter in the air. She got him a white board so he can communicate with his medical team. I am beside myself over this. I know how much it must frustrate him to be unable to speak. I’m nearing the point myself where I just want him to fall asleep peacefully and go somewhere lovely.

Guys, I am so sad. Idk what to do: stay here and work and provide or go be with him every possible chance. He would hate it if I took time off. He would never be upset if I wasn’t there next to him waiting for him to pass. But my mom is 79! She can’t always be there.

I volunteered to eulogize him last night. Mom and I were just chatting via text and suddenly it dawned on me that I was capable and wanted to do that. No one, I mean no one, eulogized my grandmother (his mom) at her funeral and I thought that was just so sad.

So…I’ve never done that before. I googled and my takeaway was keep it to 3-5 minutes, it’s fine to use personal stories, and just share about his life. I think I’ve already done that here. Of course there are so many favorite stories, almost too many to choose from. I’ll figure out which to include. Has anyone else eulogized their dad or loved one? I would love some advice.

this is hard. I wouldn’t say harder than I thought it would be, because I never really thought it would happen. Jeez I was blind and deliberately oblivious.
 
@monarch64 sending love to you.

I have done a eulogy. My best advice would be to get a pen and paper and just brainstorm - start write something, anything, without worrying how it sounds and it will start to pour out. This will be quite an emotional experience. That's OK.

Then leave it a day, and come back and edit. You will probably go through a few revisions, maybe over a few days. Trim it down to 3-5mins. It will start taking shape at this point.

You'll know when you have it just right.
 
Oh, @monarch64 …my heart truly aches and breaks for you.
Your dad is an amazing man, a wonderful husband and a loving father. To have that kind of a relationship/bond with him is a blessing, and to be able to say goodbye to him is a gift, regardless of how profoundly painful it is.
There is nothing more I can say except know our gratitude to your dad and his entire family for the sacrifices he made for this country, and for sharing with us his wonderful daughter who has shown admirable grace and strength in times of sorrow. We will be thinking of you, your dad, mom and entire family and hope this remarkable filial love will sustain you in the days ahead. Tightest hugs to you, @monarch64 ❤️❤️❤️
 
Prayers outgoing and continue
(((hugs))))
Monarch_In_May.jpg
 
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Karl, thank you so very much.
 
I can't help with advice on the eulogy, but I will comment that the only regrets I have heard people speak after the passing of a loved one is that they didn't spend enough time with them. If you have the ability to take time off of work, it might be a good idea. You don't have to tell him it is for him and you. You can make an excuse that it is to make sure your mom is taking care of herself or that there is an awful broken whatever in the work building making it hot/cold/smelly/whatever. Point being, if you feel like you want or need to be there, you can get creative. (I got my grandmother to take a nap one day by telling her that her sister wouldn't take a nap and elevate her feet if Grandma wasn't resting. Had the benefit of being mostly true :lol: since I was able to get her sister to sit down.)

Continuing to send hugs and prayers for all.
 
There is so much love in your post. I hope that this love carries your dad, you, and your family as you face everything. He has been through so much! May he have peace, whether it be through recovery or through moving on.
 
He’s gone. Left the world peacefully this afternoon, on Veterans Day, which seems fitting. My mother was there with him. They had time to discuss his wishes for his funeral and who he wanted there. It will be a very small family/close friends only service.

I am heartbroken but relieved that he is at peace and won’t have to go through any more painful and scary procedures.

Thank you all for your support. It’s meant so much and I wish I could hug every single one of you.
 
HI:

Oh Monnie, my heart breaks for you and yours. Please take care.

kind regards--Sharon
 
I'm sorry Monnie.
 
I’m so sorry..:cry2:
 
I’m so very sorry…
 
huge hugs and prayers outgoing
 
monarch64 said:
I googled and my takeaway was keep it to 3-5 minutes, it’s fine to use personal stories, and just share about his life. I think I’ve already done that here.
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I am so sorry.

Good call to stand up for him, assuming your heart is in it.

I have done this twice for dear relatives -- once before a huge crowd of people I mostly did not know (an unexpected death) and once at the graveside with a few dozen attendees (after a loved one's long, slow decline). I put the same thought and energy into each. They were mostly for me. It is cathartic to prepare and you will forever be proud that you did.

Be serious. Be poignant. Be funny. Every line is a potential laugh line because all are eager to break the sadness, even for a second. Everyone is a bit of a "character" and that is what makes them memorable; it is fine and genuine to build on that.

My one word of actual advice -- and others in my generation have now asked me about this process -- WRITE IT DOWN. Do not wing it. If you wing it, you will ramble and dissolve into tears. Write it down and be so familiar with it that you don't need to read it and can pretty much just talk it. But still read it. Your voice will break but you will be able to pick up the thread and carry on. Write it in your conversational voice and not like an essay on your loved one. Write so it sounds like you are talking about your Dad and not "eulogizing" him. I still have these two "scripts" on my phone :cry2:.
 
Oh @monarch64, I am so very sorry. You have my deepest condolences. Sending support and comfort, and big hugs.
 
Monnie. I’m so sorry. I’m crying. For your father - grateful and relieved that he passed peacefully. And for how much those left behind are hurting now. I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry you won’t get ten more years with his body. But you will have a lifetime with his spirit and his heart and his love. I know words like that, all words, any words… No words are very comforting right now. But they’ll be here for you whenever you feel ready for them.

He’s migrated, Monnie! Your monarch made it to where he needed to go, safe and sound. And he’ll be waiting to welcome you when you migrate one day. But he’s happy to wait a long time for you.

If I could hug you through the screen I would. The tightest and longest hug you’ll let me give you.
 
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