A *complete* surprise??

[FutureMrsMRS]

Who has really, REALLY been completely caught off guard by the proposal? It just seems like most likely, there are (several) conversations about marriage, the future of the relationship, etc. If no rings, "type" of wedding, etc that occurs.

An ex once "surprised" me with a proposal on Christmas; I had no intentions of ever marrying him and wondered how he thought this was a good idea since we''d never discussed our relationship progressing towards marriage.
Has this experience shaped my view? Or maybe its just that my SO is horrible at secrets/surprise planning?! LOL.

What are your thoughts?

 

[RaiKai]

Well, this might not be a very clear answer....as it was a surprise, but it also wasn't. That is the short answer....the much longer answer follows!

My husband and I have always had a very open and healthy discourse about our relationship and ourselves from the time we started dating. When we met, we both had a good sense of ourselves as individuals and our thoughts on marriage, and we also both felt quite blessed to have found one another.

We did talk about marriage in general terms, and we talked about our future relationship together in more concrete terms. This continuous and open dialogue was important to us, as we both had past experiences with serious relationships where such communication was not as free flowing and open (it involved more guessing games, fear, etc). In those past relationships, both were common-law marriages that we thought were on the path to marriage, but, fortunately (in hindsight!) for various reasons that did not turn out to be the case.

So, we were both open to getting married but we had not, however, specifically talked about specifics about when WE would get married, or any of that. It was still quite early in our relationship (we were engaged right at a year after our first date). Neither of us were in a rush and felt quite comfortable where we were at and where were going. We had also recently moved provinces together, and were living together, I had started a new career and my husband had taken an early retirement from his first career and was starting towards a second, so there was a lot going on at the time and we were just enjoying our time without any rush!

So, while being together in the long term was not a surprise, the proposal itself was a surprise....a little bit to us both. My husband was away in another province on a self-development course at the time. He had been away just over a week at this time (and was to be away for almost four weeks total). While he was away and on what was actually the first anniversary of our first date, he had a rather serious health scare during which he was hospitalized. When it started he sent me a text message (he was unable to phone) asking if I would marry him. Immediately I replied yes. He did manage to phone me and ask again and again I said yes. Of course, he was having a health crisis and I was not sure what was really going on from where I was. I managed to catch a couple flights to the hospital the next morning and while in hospital he confirmed he really did want to marry me. For the record, we then asked one another a few times at different times (even now that we are married, he still asks me now and then .

Only after we left the hospital and spent a few days relaxing before flying back home then did we get into specifics about things like engagement rings (I opted not to have one.....though am getting a ring set made NOW that we are married!), and the type of wedding (we chose a very, very small wedding weekend at a resort on Vancouver Island), when (we decided to have a very short engagement....ten weeks) and all those sorts of things.

So....to answer your question...I really was completely surprised by the proposal, and getting married as soon as we did, but NOT at decision to get married in itself, and it certainly was not without a lot of open conversations about our future together or about marriage. So, when he did ask in the way he did I was not at all taken aback and it actually felt very, very RIGHT. The proposal ended up coming a lot sooner than I think either of us had foreseen, due to very particular circumstances, but it was something we were both comfortable and ready for.

I would NEVER want to be entirely surprised in the sense I would not want to have never had discussions about our future together, etc. It was important to us both that we only got engaged if we were comfortable and HAD the open communication we did (and had also already had very open communication about things like finances, our perspectives on marriage, raising children, in-laws, lifestyle, etc). So it was not like when the proposal happened it was completely out of the blue.

I still had the text message until my phone had some drama and it was lost. Sigh.

 

[HopeDream]

My best friend was completely caught off guard by her proposal - She had been good friends with a guy all throught highschool, and they just started dating at the end of high school.
After they had been together about a year, her BF was in a serious accident which put everything into perspective, and he decided to ask her to marry him.
She was totaly caught off-gaurd (being young and just about to start university) and said not now, but kept the ring, and wore it on her middle finger.
7 years later I was the MOH at their wedding

I think it happens when a man gets ahead of the game commitment-wise for some reason.
Sometimes it''s because he''s so sure he''s found "the one" but sometimes I think there''s family pressure (Mom thinks a man should propose after a year of dating) or some kind of internal rule he''s built for himself (e.g. I will propose to a girl after 2 years of dating because that''s when I''ll be 30/ what Maxim magazine says /when my best friend who has a happy marriage did.)

Interesting topic!

 

[princesss]

These kinds of proposals kind of horrify me. I value open, honest communication and discussion before making major decisions, and this kind of proposal is so far in the other direction it scares me.

 

[ms.halo]

I was completely surprised by my proposal. I knew he was going to ask at some point, but he asked about nine months before I expected to even start talking about it. We''d never talked about rings, or proposals but had talked about weddings and when/where we might want to get married.

 

[luckynumber]

i think the where and how of a proposal should be a surprise.

but not the fact a proposal is coming, that important a decision should be discussed beforehand.

 

[FutureMrsMRS]

I agree with luckynumber that the specifics are likely to be a surprise...but a complete, out of left field, surprise is a little scary!

RaiKai - I love your story!!!!!

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 3/22/2010 1:01:20 PM
Author: luckynumber
i think the where and how of a proposal should be a surprise.

but not the fact a proposal is coming, that important a decision should be discussed beforehand.

agreed 100%

my proposal was a complete surprise, as i was convinced the ring was not paid off yet (we had put it on layaway since i refused to open up credit for a ring).

 

[LilyKat]

Mine wasn''t. I personally wouldn''t accept a proposal of marriage if it had not been discussed in depth beforehand.

It would be like someone buying me a puppy for Christmas as a "surprise". Um, lifelong commitment, anyone?

 

[Mrs.SE]

Nope, I have an impending proposal - waiting on our ring to be finished. We discussed where our relationship wanted to go early on since we both had crappy marriages. We''ve known each other 12 years. Both divorced w/ 3 kids between us (his 2, my 1). We know what we want, we spent too long chasing it in our previous relationships with partners who weren''t suited for us. We''ve been officially "together" almost a year. He wanted to be traditional and surprise me with a ring he chose - I of course was having none of that . If I''m wearing it, I have a few specifications, then the rest he could do. He''s been dropping too many hints lately that no I don''t think it will be a surprise. In fact, I think it will happen this week for sure . "Keep your camera charged". "Have you ever been blindfolded in a car before? Hmm, we will have to do a "trial run" to make sure you don''t get car sick". "Now when we do the trial run, I don''t want you giving me any sass, just go with me"

 

[LadyJane83]

I think most couples have serious discussions about marriage before the proposal. A lot of people like the traditional element, even though they know they are planning to get married soon. Some people like the element of surprise as far as how the proposal is done, the ring, etc. I don''t think it is necessary, but my bf likes it . . . I''m sort of more "ok we decided we want to get married in the next year or two, let''s call people and tell them and then pick a date and start planning." I am very happy that I am getting a ring, although at first I didn''t think it would make a difference to me.

In a nutshell don''t think most people that are ready to marry and want to marry each other remain silent about their intentions/desires, and I don''t know anyone personally who has been totally surprised.

Maybe this is how it was in the "old days?" But, I don''t even know about that . . . Anyone know if a surprise was more common 25 or 50 or so years ago?

 

[MayFlowers]

I don''t think I''ve known anyone whose proposal was a "complete" surprise. I know mine will be a surprise of how, when, etc. However, we have discussed marriage and our future together in detail. So, I know it''s coming eventually.

But, I also wonder about why so many guys freak out that the girl will say no. If they have discussed marriage with their GF before the proposal, then shouldn''t they already know that she is going to say yes? It seems to me that everyone discusses these things, but maybe I''m wrong and that''s why we always hear of the guys'' nervousness.

RaiKai: I can so connect with you about how your DH and you asked each other a few times. My BF has asked me about 5 times! None of them were down on one knee or with a ring. So, I always know he''s not really serious about asking me. He''s just joking around with me. But, last time he did it, which was a few weeks ago, I told him that because he asked me to marry him and I said yes that we were now engaged even if I didn''t have a ring. He then replied that "Alright we''re engaged then!". So, I got on my phone and said I was going to call my mom. Then he said I wasn''t allowed to tell anyone since I had no ring. Hahahaha! I''m sure I''ll know when he''s really serious about it...hopefully. Otherwise, he will have to do a redo-proposal!

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 3/22/2010 1:51:23 PM
Author: LilyKat
Mine wasn''t. I personally wouldn''t accept a proposal of marriage if it had not been discussed in depth beforehand.

It would be like someone buying me a puppy for Christmas as a ''surprise''. Um, lifelong commitment, anyone?

I agree (of course

)

While I guess (??) I can see the "romantic" notion behind this, if marriage hasn''t been discussed AT ALL in the relationship, then I think it''s just plain weird!

I couldn''t say yes to a proposal without knowing what that person would expect of me, as his wife.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 3/22/2010 3:29:42 PM
Author: MayFlowers
I don''t think I''ve known anyone whose proposal was a ''complete'' surprise. I know mine will be a surprise of how, when, etc. However, we have discussed marriage and our future together in detail. So, I know it''s coming eventually.


But, I also wonder about why so many guys freak out that the girl will say no. If they have discussed marriage with their GF before the proposal, then shouldn''t they already know that she is going to say yes? It seems to me that everyone discusses these things, but maybe I''m wrong and that''s why we always hear of the guys'' nervousness.


RaiKai: I can so connect with you about how your DH and you asked each other a few times. My BF has asked me about 5 times! None of them were down on one knee or with a ring. So, I always know he''s not really serious about asking me. He''s just joking around with me. But, last time he did it, which was a few weeks ago, I told him that because he asked me to marry him and I said yes that we were now engaged even if I didn''t have a ring. He then replied that ''Alright we''re engaged then!''. So, I got on my phone and said I was going to call my mom. Then he said I wasn''t allowed to tell anyone since I had no ring. Hahahaha! I''m sure I''ll know when he''s really serious about it...hopefully. Otherwise, he will have to do a redo-proposal!

All our asking each other fortunately came after our "official" text message proposal so we were already engaged (even without a ring) so I knew we were both serious about it, ha. We were just reconfirming it

About your comments on wondering if a woman will say no....I do think some people don''t discuss it. I think there are many, many people who think they should get married because it is the next check in their life time line, or because they fear losing the other person, or some other insecurity or external purpose and they are not doing it as they have decided as a couple they are ready for that step together, and all that it involves. I see this commonly in very young (or very immature...not necessarily the same!) couples. And so, there are some men who do fear the answer as they really aren''t sure. And sometimes, they do get a no. Sometimes they get a yes, but that turns into a no down the road. I do think a COMPLETE surprise does signal some immaturity in the relationship, and in the individuals (including a big lack of communication) that is going to pose some problems down the road even if they do get a "yes" at the time. There is a big market for secondhand engagement rings and entire websites devoted to selling them (and many that never even made it to the wedding) and I suspect many of them come from these kinds of circumstances - rather than from PS-related upgrades!

 

[FutureMrsMRS]

Date: 3/22/2010 4:22:04 PM
Author: RaiKai


I do think some people don''t discuss it. I think there are many, many people who think they should get married because it is the next check in their life time line, or because they fear losing the other person, or some other insecurity or external purpose

YES, YES, YES!!! When I run across people who are cynical about marriage, I try to get them to understand that the reason so many marriages end is because SO many of them begin for the wrong reasons. This is not the game of Life! Stop: Go to college. Stop: Get married. Stop: Buy a house. Stop: Have kids. etc, etc, etc

 

[PumpkinPie]

I''ve never known anyone to whom it was a complete surprise either.. except perhaps my mother.. She told me that my father didn''t exactly ask her, just took her to a jewelry store and asked her to pick what she wanted.. it''s been 35 years so I guess it worked..

 

[missy]

Completely surprised and terrified when I realized that he was proposing LOL

We had discussed marriage at the very beginning of our relationship and then we discussed it at various times throughout our relationship but I just always had it in my head that I never wanted to get married. I loved my life and valued my relationship with my darling boyfriend but just was scared of change. I was so content with the way everything was at that time.

I remember one occasion during Valentine's Day about a year and a half into our relationship we were dining at Le Bernardin when he brought up the topic. I got all flustered and nervous and had to excuse myself and wash my face with cold water and when I returned we changed the subject.

After 4 years of dating he proposed (and the way he did it was so romantic).

I said yes because I didn't want to lose him but was so scared. After speaking with my dad though who told me life wasn't worth anything without taking risks I realized I was ready for this new phase in our life and it was the very best decision I have ever made

but that is why the ring was also a surprise and though I would have married him with any ring (or without) we did have to reset it

a few times- because I had never given any thought to engagement rings so had no clue as to what I liked and didn't like...