Found out cousin has cancer

[lumpkin]

I just found out my cousin who is less than a year older than I am has breast cancer and is soon to go into surgery for a double mastectomy. I haven''t talked to her in years and was never really that close to her, but she has three kids, one of whom is under 5, and I am just heartsick for her.

I have no idea what to say or do for her because, as I said, I don''t know her very well. I want to do something that would not be overly familiar, nor "OMG, you poooooor thing" (no one in her situation needs that), but something that would help her in some way. I could sure use some ideas from anyone who''s had a situation like this.

Also, what do I say to her mother? Again, I don''t know her really well, so it can''t be anything that presumes a closeness that isn''t there but is still helpful. They live in another part of the country so I rarely see them (as in years between visits).

Honestly, I can''t think of much worse than facing the possibility of death when you have young children, or as a mother, watching your daughter face death in this way. Anything you can offer in advice would be very welcome.

 

[Ellen]

Hi lump,

I'm sorry to hear. I would suggest doing what I did when I found out my SIL had cancer, only revise the note a bit.

I too didn't know what to say, and I loved her dearly. So I ordered some flowers for her with a note that said, "I just wanted you to know that we are thinking of you, and we love you very much", then signed all of our names.

You could just do the "thinking of you" part. I think she would like that. I know my SIL did. She called after getting them, and said she loved the flowers, but loved the message more. But I'm sure your cousin would not expect something of that nature to be said, since you aren't close.

HTH

 

[KimberlyH]

First, lumpkin, I am so sorry for your cousin. Second, here''s a great information source: http://www.cancer.org/downloads/STT/CAFF2005BrFacspdf2005.pdf. Death rates for people who have breast cancer are extremely low, especially comparitively speaking.

I have a cousin who is much like yours. Diagnosed in her late 30s, a wife with three children, had a double mastectomy and 5 years later is doing extremely well.

The best thing you can do for your aunt is being enouraging and supportive. The same goes for your cousin. Does she live nearby? If so, I''d arrange to make dinner for her and her family once, once a week or whatever you can do. Or babysit and do something fun with her kids. Something else you might want to consider, depending on what you want to spend, is to pay a maid service to clean her house (once, twice, whatever) in advance and share the contact information with her so she/her caregiver can arrange the best time for them to come.

Hope my suggestions help a bit.

 

[lumpkin]

Ellen and Kimberly, thank you for the suggestions. I really am glad to know that the death rate is low. There will be a very long recovery period, though, and would appreciate you keeping her and her family in your prayers.

I just spoke to my aunt, and I woke her up before 6:00 am! What a ditz -- I completely forgot about the time difference. Anyway, I have some ideas now and I am very hopeful for her. It''s going to be a long road, but one thing I do know about my cousin -- she is a very determined person.

I''m still open to any more suggestions and shared experiences. This is new territory for me -- there is no other history of breast cancer in my family and I don''t have any friends who have had it.

 

[Kaleigh]

I am sorry to hear this lumpkin. Does she live near you?? If so you could bring over some meals, offer to help with the kids. Or maybe send someone to clean for her?? I''m sure you''ll find the right words, she''ll be happy to get support from you.

 

[lumpkin]

She lives across country, so meals are out -- however, maybe I could give them a gift card to a nearby restaurant that delivers? -- I''ll have to check into that. I believe they have someone for the housekeeping duties and honestly, I would have no idea who is reliable and trustworthy in her area. I am thinking about sending some kind of care package but I''m not sure what to include. Maybe some supportive CDs, audio books (she won''t be able to lift her arms for quite a while after the surgery), stuff for her kids? If you all have some suggestions for inspirational things that is more what I''m looking for -- moral support type stuff. I don''t think day to day support will be an issue for her -- I think that is covered.

Thank you again for your suggestions!

 

[Ellen]

Great idea on the care package!

I would include some nice bubble bath, votive candles, body lotion, stuff like that, to pamper herself with. Anything to make her feel pretty.

 

[divergrrl]

Lumpkin: Oh I am so sorry..my prayers are with her & her family. How heartbreaking. I am sure any gesture you send will be thoughtful & appreciated.

 

[Skippy123]

Lumpkin,
I am so sorry. I will for sure keep her and her family in my prayers.
I think making some meals for the family that they can freeze and pull out in those throw away tins would be helpful.
Also, taking over paper plates and plastics.
I think any small thing to try and help will be greatly appreciated.
You have such a good heart Lumpkin!
Again, you are in my prayers.

 

[FireGoddess]

I have learned, in my experience, that everyone is different, and the words or actions that comfort them can vary quite a bit from person to person. What matters though, is that you offer your support and encouragement. Most of us that haven't gone through this or haven't had experience with it just don't know what to say, and are scared to say the wrong thing. My mother's supposed best friend said, 'I'm here for you' and then NEVER called her again. To this day. I mean, WTF?! That's definitely not what you want to do!

I would express your support for her and that should she need anything from you, to please ask. I would then check up on her progress as she goes through treatment, surgery, etc because she likely won't ask you for anything, but the support is always welcome. It is a long road and it helps to know people are pulling for you.

One interesting thing - and again, I think everyone is different - that I learned with my mom is that she hated, just hated when people said to her, ' you are so brave, I would never be able to handle what you are going through'.... I was totally taken aback when she said that because I thought, 'well, they are just trying to tell you they look up to your courage and want you to feel better, that you are a strong woman and can fight this.' But my mom was like, 'All it makes me think is that I should give up and die right here - that I'm so REALLY f!!!ked in this situation that it's a miracle I can handle it at all.' Of course I was like, 'that is not what those people mean at ALL' but who am I to convince her...I wasn't the one going through it.

I think most people are uncomfortable around people who are sick or who have loved ones that are sick sometimes...I know I have been in the past, but going through this with my mom just made me realize that all you can do is say what's in your heart. Even though you may not be close to your cousin, it is an opportunity to be there for her regardless, in whatever manner you feel comfortable. Good luck lumpkin. So sorry to hear.

ETA: One thing that would help her with her hospital stay would be to get her a Necessities Bag. If they don't have this program at the hospital she will be going to...make one yourself. Maureen, the founder, was kind enough to send one to my mom's surgeon's office for her (the doctor has to approve it for legal reasons), but I made one for a friend who was going for a mastectomy and gave it to her husband the day before the surgery. http://www.necessitiesbag.org/

 

[surfgirl]

I have a relative going through something similar and we''re not really close but her mom lives near me. So I called her mom to ask how she''s doing. And I got her address and sent her a nice card just telling her I''m thinking about her. I told her mother that I didn''t want to call and make her go through talking about it since we''re not even that close and her mom agreed she wouldn''t want to talk about it so a card seemed the way to go. Flowers are also a nice gesture. My father recently found out an old business associate of his, the daughter was dying of cancer. He wanted me to go visit this woman in hospital and I dont even know her, and I''ve only met her father once when I was a little kid. I told my father that if it was me, I wouldn''t want someone I dont even know well calling or visiting me. I''d only want those closest to me around me. I think sometimes we want to do something but we dont know what. Everyone is different in what they want/need. I think starting with a note and/or flowers is the best way to go. Take her lead if she wants to reach out beyond that, particularly if you''re not close.

 

[snlee]

You''ve received some great suggestions. I can''t think of anything else. I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear this. Your cousin and family will me in my thoughts.

 

[lumpkin]

Date: 6/20/2007 12:57:10 PM
Author: FireGoddess
I have learned, in my experience, that everyone is different, and the words or actions that comfort them can vary quite a bit from person to person. What matters though, is that you offer your support and encouragement. Most of us that haven''t gone through this or haven''t had experience with it just don''t know what to say, and are scared to say the wrong thing. My mother''s supposed best friend said, ''I''m here for you'' and then NEVER called her again. To this day. I mean, WTF?! That''s definitely not what you want to do!

I would express your support for her and that should she need anything from you, to please ask. I would then check up on her progress as she goes through treatment, surgery, etc because she likely won''t ask you for anything, but the support is always welcome. It is a long road and it helps to know people are pulling for you.

One interesting thing - and again, I think everyone is different - that I learned with my mom is that she hated, just hated when people said to her, '' you are so brave, I would never be able to handle what you are going through''.... I was totally taken aback when she said that because I thought, ''well, they are just trying to tell you they look up to your courage and want you to feel better, that you are a strong woman and can fight this.'' But my mom was like, ''All it makes me think is that I should give up and die right here - that I''m so REALLY f!!!ked in this situation that it''s a miracle I can handle it at all.'' Of course I was like, ''that is not what those people mean at ALL'' but who am I to convince her...I wasn''t the one going through it.

I think most people are uncomfortable around people who are sick or who have loved ones that are sick sometimes...I know I have been in the past, but going through this with my mom just made me realize that all you can do is say what''s in your heart. Even though you may not be close to your cousin, it is an opportunity to be there for her regardless, in whatever manner you feel comfortable. Good luck lumpkin. So sorry to hear.

ETA: One thing that would help her with her hospital stay would be to get her a Necessities Bag. If they don''t have this program at the hospital she will be going to...make one yourself. Maureen, the founder, was kind enough to send one to my mom''s surgeon''s office for her (the doctor has to approve it for legal reasons), but I made one for a friend who was going for a mastectomy and gave it to her husband the day before the surgery. http://www.necessitiesbag.org/

FG, that''s exactly what I''m trying to avoid. Saying anything that implies she''s completely screwed and death is imminent. That whole "you pooooor thing" totally ticks me when I''m going through something difficult. I''d much rather hear, "I''m sorry you have to go through this. Even so, you are very strong and will be able to cope with whatever comes up." I think I will definitely put that in the card.

Thank you for the information on the necessities bag, and for your wise words, FG.

 

[lumpkin]

Date: 6/20/2007 1:03:29 PM
Author: surfgirl
I have a relative going through something similar and we''re not really close but her mom lives near me. So I called her mom to ask how she''s doing. And I got her address and sent her a nice card just telling her I''m thinking about her. I told her mother that I didn''t want to call and make her go through talking about it since we''re not even that close and her mom agreed she wouldn''t want to talk about it so a card seemed the way to go. Flowers are also a nice gesture. My father recently found out an old business associate of his, the daughter was dying of cancer. He wanted me to go visit this woman in hospital and I dont even know her, and I''ve only met her father once when I was a little kid. I told my father that if it was me, I wouldn''t want someone I dont even know well calling or visiting me. I''d only want those closest to me around me. I think sometimes we want to do something but we dont know what. Everyone is different in what they want/need. I think starting with a note and/or flowers is the best way to go. Take her lead if she wants to reach out beyond that, particularly if you''re not close.

I agree with that on a lot of levels. I don''t want to intrude. On the other hand, I definitely would appreciate support from my family, even distant relatives, providing that support didn''t become more pestering than helpful. I will definitely keep the boundaries in mind.

 

[lumpkin]

Thank you Ellen, Skippy, Divergirl & Snlee. I do have to say it kinda freaks me out a little. She's not much older than I am and we both have young kids. But for the grace of God go I.....

So I guess that's why I can relate to it. And I hate for anyone to go through something traumatic like this.

Thank you again for the suggestions, ladies. You always got my back!

 

[Dee*Jay]

Lumpkin, I''m so sorry to hear your cousin''s bad news. And I totally understand where you''re coming from in terms of "there but for the grace of god go I."

Big hugs outgoing to you, your cousin, and especially her children.

 

[Finding_Neverland]

You''re a wonderful person, Lumpkin, for trying to be so thoughtful!!

The care package of pamper goodies for her is great. Maybe see if there''s a franchise Movie Theater near them that you can arrange tickets for the kiddies to go see a show. When a sitter is available or Dad can take them, that could be a great "afternoon out" event.

Your cousin has a long road ahead of her. Loosing one''s breasts is very psychologically traumatic for many women.

FG gave you a very good suggestion. Maybe send her a card with a note of support, your phone number, and a calling card. Tell her to call any time. Your cousin may need to vent to someone she doesn''t have to look at eye to eye. Maybe a periodic phone chat from time to time will allow her an outlet she wouldn''t otherwise have.

When people are going thru a major event/loss in their lives, some of the nicest support comes from unexpected places and people. I know when my Dad died, it was very comforting to me to hear from friends I hadn''t seen in years.

 

[crown1]

hi! i am sorry about your cousin''s illness and will offer a prayer for her recovery.

if she uses body lotions or perfumes i think a nice basket of personal items might be nice. i am remembering the promos for the movie the lady wanted to wear lipstick to her surgery. i also would include some small token items for the kiddies. it always makes a mother feel good when her children are remembered. if she is a reader i would add a couple of books or a magazine subscription would be nice.

it is the thought that will touch her heart.

 

[ljmorgan]

A little over 3 years ago I was diagnosed with aggressive bone cancer, and one of the most difficult aspects was dealing with family/friends and their reactions. I think many friends became distant because they were uncomfortable, and weren''t show how to react, I was 20 years old and young, so it was unexpected.

Just ask if there is anything you can do for her, and let her know that you''ll be there for her. You don''t need to go into tears, or tell her how sorry you are, she''ll be sick of hearing it. No one wants to feel pity. The only relief I ever got in the beginning was people trying to overcome their own shock/feelings and attempting to treat me normally. That''s the most you can ask for.

 

[lumpkin]

Thank you again, everyone.

So what do you think about the Chicken Soup for the Soul books? There''s one for cancer patients and their famillies. Too Pollyanna? Is it too much for the care package?

I''ll come back as I come up with more ideas for you to opine about.

 

[surfgirl]

As nice as that sounds lumpkin, it might be too sappy for her? She may have already gotten the books she feels might benefit her? I like the pampering kit idea. Bath goodies, a good mindless summer book, candles, maybe a meditation CD...stuff like that seems universally appreciated.

One thing I didn''t say earlier and I dont know what stage they''ve caught her cancer in, but it''s a very treatable and livable disease in this day and age. I know so many women who''ve survived breast cancer for years, even decades when detected early enough. And, though not bresat cancer, a college friend of mine was diagnosed with Stage 4 brain cancer that has metastisized from his lung. Pretty much of a ''you have x months to live" diagnosis for most. But he sought out the most aggressive treatments and a year later was/still is in remission. I share this with you only to say that even the gravest of diagnosis'' can be beaten. Cancer runs in one side of my family and I''d say it seems like a crap shoot on who makes it through and who doesn''t. Youth and being in good shape certainly seems to be a plus on beating the odds. Sorry if that was TMI, just wanting you to know another side of it...

 

[FireGoddess]

My mom''s bc was stage 3 and everyone tells you not to worry, when it''s caught early you''ll be fine. But stage 3 is not early and it''s wise not to be hmmm. what''s the word...patronizing?...when you don''t know the person''s situation well enough. Hopeful yes, but ''don''t sweat it''...no. Lots of people would say, ''my friend so and so had BC and she''s cancer free! It wasn''t so bad!'' But I looked long and hard to find books that were uplifting and hopeful when the person was battling stage 3 or 4 cancer. It''s not a death sentence, but it is a long hard climb.

The Chicken Soup book might be too sappy. I would go for the basket if it were me. A friend of mine went through quite a tragedy - losing a pregnancy 2 weeks before the due date...and I mean my GOD, what do you say to someone when that happens? It''s a hellish nightmare. I wrote her a long card and gave her a bag full of stuff...a journal so she could write her thoughts in it, magazines, fuzzy warm socks, candles, soothing CDs (Enya, etc)...which she said later really helped.

 

[monarch64]

Lumpkin, sorry to hear of your cousin's diagnosis. I think it's great you want to send her a special gift to let her know you're there for her. What about a really pretty, really soft and comfy nightgown or pj's? I don't know if that's been suggested yet, but I know I would appreciate it if someone did that for me. When my dad was in the hospital so many times when he was dealing with cancer, my mom went out and got him cute, soft pj bottoms to wear and he just loved them, they added a little comfort and personal style to the everyday nightmares of recovery.

ETA: oops, forgot about her not being able to lift her arms after surgery, so in that case maybe pj separates with a button-front top or something that would be easier for her to get in and out of...

Also, is there any way you could put together a small scrapbook or photo album full of happy times and memories for her hospital stay? Mom did that for my dad, and it really lifted his spirits and helped him focus on all that he had to live for during some really dark times and depressed moments. I don't know if you have a lot of pics of your cousin's family or kids, but maybe you could collaborate with the rest of the family on it and really make her something special she could look at when she's feeling down.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Lumpkin, I''m so sorry for your cousin''s struggle right now. I don''t have any more great suggestions, but I wanted to let you know that your cousin will be in my prayers.

 

[lumpkin]

Ok, so nix on the chicken soup books. I kind of wondered if it would be too much. Thanks for your input.

She is going to be bed ridden and will not be able to move her arms much at all for at least 3 weeks. I think bath products, nighties and those kinds of things are not practical until she''s much further down the road, but it''s good for future.

I like the more "universally appreciated" things like the meditation CD. I don''t have pictures of her kids and I''d feel a little oogy about asking for them, but I think it might be a good idea to see if there''s a breast cancer themed scrap book for her to keep memories in, and the journal idea is wonderful! I will definitely include that!

You ladies are such a wealth of inspiration. Thank you so much for all your responses.

 

[ljmorgan]

I like the basket idea. For my cancer surgery I was in the hospital for 2 weeks, and bedridden for another month.

SUGGESTIONS for her hospital stay: Get those wet dove/oil of olay wet cloths. When you''re in the hospital and can''t take real baths/showers for a week or so, these feel absolutely fabulous, they kept me sane. People can rub down your face/arms/legs with them. If she can''t lift her arms, try and find some cute button-all-the-way-up nightgowns. People got these for me in the hospital and it was SO nice to be out of that hospital gown after a few days, you feel much more normal. So I would recommend things like maybe an aromatherapy neck pillow that can be heated, maybe heatable/gel socks, an eye mask that can be cooled, just things to make her comfortable for her stay.

 

[VegasAngel]

I''m so sorry you & your family are going through this.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I don''t have any advice just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to your and your cousin''s family. I hope she can recover.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 6/20/2007 8:54:28 PM
Author: lumpkin
She is going to be bed ridden and will not be able to move her arms much at all for at least 3 weeks. I think bath products, nighties and those kinds of things are not practical until she''s much further down the road, but it''s good for future.

I got my mom a couple month''s Netflix subscription for that very reason. Let''s just say it''s been a HUGE hit.

 

[ellaila]

Lumpkin, I''m so sorry to hear about your cousin -- sending good wishes to you and your family during this time!

Also, I second FG''s recommendation about Netflix. My stepmom was recently out of commission for a few weeks due to shoulder surgery, and it was a lifesaver!