Heartbroken and confused, some insight please

[allycat0303]

Hi Everyone,

I haven't been posting much on the forum, but I'm falling apart and need help.

I've been with my husband since I was 16 years old. We were married in 2009, about the fifth year of marriage. A few months ago, in October, there was an incident that damaged our relationship (email correspondence with a woman). I found the emails, we generally have an open policy about emails. We used to have a linked account. It seemed to be a uniquely cyber thing, and he swore he stopped. I have been checking up on him. It was part of the agreement (I left the home for about 1 month). Things have been difficult, but no huge catastrophe.

About two weeks ago, he started asking me strange questions (out of character for him). I'm supposed to be leaving for fellowship in 1.5 years, previously, he wanted to go with me. Now he started saying, he didn't know (has a great job here), he didn't know where he saw himself in the future, etc. This is an equally confusing time for me.

Also a little background about the children situation. I'm 33 years old. I'm on the fence about children. There's a lot involved in that, I'm in residency and work about 120 hours a week, and he is not the most supportive husband (goes out 3 times a week to play hockey and goes to the gym everyday.). Two months ago, I went to get information on freezing on my eggs, and he refused to go through with it.

Last night, he found out he was seeing a psychologist, and didn't tell me...eventhough I've been and have asked him for counselling together. He refused, saying he didn't believe in. He says there are 2 paths, A) He leaves me and finds a girl to have children with B) He stays with me and has a luxurious lifestyle, but won't have children. When we got married, he said it would be ok that I didn't want children. That he would support me during all this residency. Then last year he was adamant that he did not want children. And now this.

I can't stop crying. I'm not functional. He went from being loving in the morning, writing sweet texts, and then came home at night, and said this. I'm at work, trying to see patients. I feel like I'm in a million pieces. I packed a suitcase, and left. But I don't know where to go and what to do.

Please please help, any advice would be appreciated.

 

[AprilBaby]

Honey I am so sad for you. Being married about a million years ( or so it seems) I can tell you everyone changes over time. They say people change every seven years. I can see why someone may not want children and then change their mind. As we get older we look more at our legacy. Hubby doesn't see one and HS changed his mind. I think there is someone helping him change it. If you don't want kids it's probably a deal breaker now for him. I don't think you can change his mind. Either you have kids or let him go. It's better for both of you to be happy in the end. Not the answer you want and I'm really very sorry. I hope you can work it out so you both get what you want. ((Hugs)).

 

[purplesparklies]

I am so sorry. I can't even imagine the shock and devastation you must feel right now. My hubby and I were also high school sweethearts. I was 15 when we started dating and I am now 38. We had both agreed initially that we did not want children but we changed our minds after being married a year or two. Thankfully we both came to the same decision. I don't know how it would be possible to work through a difference on such a major, life altering issue. I know I felt sure that
I didn't want children right up until suddenly I did. I can't explain it. It just happened and once it did I knew I needed children in my life.

It is a black/white issue. There is no middle on this issue. We have since been blessed with two sons who are now 12 yrs. and 8 yrs. I can not imagine our life without them but I also am keenly aware of how much their births changed our lives in every way. Every person has to make this decision on their own and, in my experience there is no bridging this divide. Consider your life path carefully for you and you alone. Children are a blessing but no one should ever bring a child into this world unless they are adamantly, 100% committed to that child. Children are enough of a challenge when they are wanted desperately. Trust me.

I hope you can find the strength and peace to deal with this situation positively and your relationship can grow because of it. Take deep breaths. Take time for you. Be sure you have an outlet to relieve stress. Talk to a counselor.

 

[movie zombie]

you should not have children to please him.
and while I grant it is ok for him to change his mind and decide that he really does want children the adult thing would have been to discuss it with you rather than starting up a text relationship with another woman.

I understand you've been with this man a long time.
I understand you are confused.
but I also believe you are dedicated to your profession and that is not going to change.

let him go.

life is too short for this drama and my guess is that it will do nothing but get worse with time.

sounds like he doesn't have the strength to do what needs to be done despite the therapy.
and it sounds like he is working on what he wants for himself given he wasn't interested in couples counseling....and given he didn't let you in on the fact he was going.

let him go so you can get on with your life.
he's withholding info from you and not working to be a couple.
he's working to be independent of you.
sorry to be so blunt.

you are a strong woman. you were right to be honest with him. you have not changed your mind. you are honest about that as well.

a relationship requires both parties to work on a relationship and to be honest. he's not lived up to his part of it, imo.

I really am sorry you are going through this but only you can put a stop to it.

you have a packed bag. use it. if he wants a relationship with you he will have to accept you as you are and not have kids. it is not up to you to fulfill his need. only he can make the choices about what will fulfill him.

 

[OreoRosies86]

I'm so sorry. It sounds like he has changed. I think women operate on their desire for children knowing that after a certain age the sense of "urgency" increases. Yes some women can have children into their 40's and even 50's with help or because they have beat the statistics, but for the most part the decision must be made and come to peace with before that time. Men mostly have the luxury of waiting longer to decide whether or not they want children, as they are not under the same pressing time constraints. It sounds like your husband's desire to create a legacy in bearing children has come with age. It is a major change and one that could be a dealbreaker. My only advice is that if you truly do not desire children, do not have them to keep the relationship together. It is not fair for anyone involved. Big hugs to you in moving forward and whatever that may bring.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

((hugs))

Having gone through the very traumatic end to my marriage two years ago, my heart breaks for you. I can't provide insight into what your H is doing/has done/will do. No one knows. I think the fact that he's seeing a therapist is great, please don't be bitter about that. The sooner he can clarify his feelings, the sooner you can both get on with your lives; together or separate. It's hard to hear that the person you chose to spend your life with wants to cut and run. But it happens. Do not for one second blame yourself or your chosen career path, or the fact that you don't know if you want children. That's what he signed on for when he married you. But it's OK if he's changed his mind. Believe me, it's better to find out now when you're young and childless than when your older. You will get through this. I have a few suggestions that will hopefully help:

-Understand that this is his problem, not yours. You're not at fault and you're not to blame.
-Recognize that if he wants to end the marriage, that's his decision. I'm all for commitment and lifetimes of love, but at the same time, life is too short to live in a bad relationship.
-Recognize that he may play games. If he really wants to divorce he could try and play games during the process and use it to his advantage.
-Only you know when a boundary has been crossed or you've reached your limit. If you're confused by the schizo behavior towards you, then speak up and put your foot down. He will try and make you the bad guy to assuage his own guilt. Return to suggestion #1.
-As soon as possible seek legal counsel. Whether you choose to divorce or not, the sooner you can protect yourself (just in case), the better. I'm not sure how divorce, spousal support and asset separation works in Canada, but you should find out the best way to protect yourself and your assets. Start thinking about what you want if you separate/divorce.
-Recognize that infidelity could be more involved then you know of right now. This was the basis of my divorce. I found a wonderful support network at www.survivinginfidelity.com... Those folks have seen it all and like PS, it's an international community, so you may find people in Canada who can help you through the formalities.
-Look at divorce as a business transaction. A contract negotiation. Don't worry about th other party, protect yourself.

 

[movie zombie]

Hudson said it better than I.........

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Hudson said it better than I.........

Thank you.

Allycat, be gentle with yourself in the coming weeks. Let yourself feel what you need to. if you need to cry, then cry. If you need to vent your anger, then punch a pillow. You don't have to hold it together for him, or anyone else.

 

[charleston1]

I am so sorry, I know how hard this can be and how emotional it is going through this and trying to carry on at work. I honestly think there is a third party involved here pushing him. I was married for 27 years, two kids and my husband "played hockey" a lot. Oh yes and then he went to "the gym". Then he went to "watch hockey games" (not professional ones, just other teams). Then his crazy girlfriend (who he told me was a "stalker") got upset because he was taking too long to "tell me" so she started harassing me, calling the house at 3 in the morning when my husband was working night shift, etc.

Please find one person you can talk to and confide in and will just listen. I know it feels like you are losing your mind. I am little confused though why the two options are having kids with someone else but not with you? Is it because of the long hours you work?

I am so sorry but I really think something has been going on for a while with someone else. If I am wrong, please forgive me.

I am not sure you own your home or rent but it is better if you stay and he moves out.

If you have any joint accounts, monitor them daily. Start stashing cash. Sorry for being crass but I wish someone had told me to do these two things.

Sending big hugs to you.

 

[chrono]

I'm so sorry, Ally. ((Hugs)). I have nothing to add to what MZ and Hudson wrote.

 

[OreoRosies86]

I am so sorry, I know how hard this can be and how emotional it is going through this and trying to carry on at work. I honestly think there is a third party involved here pushing him. I was married for 27 years, two kids and my husband "played hockey" a lot. Oh yes and then he went to "the gym". Then he went to "watch hockey games" (not professional ones, just other teams). Then his crazy girlfriend (who he told me was a "stalker") got upset because he was taking too long to "tell me" so she started harassing me, calling the house at 3 in the morning when my husband was working night shift, etc.

Please find one person you can talk to and confide in and will just listen. I know it feels like you are losing your mind. I am little confused though why the two options are having kids with someone else but not with you? Is it because of the long hours you work?

I am so sorry but I really think something has been going on for a while with someone else. If I am wrong, please forgive me.

I am not sure you own your home or rent but it is better if you stay and he moves out.

If you have any joint accounts, monitor them daily. Start stashing cash. Sorry for being crass but I wish someone had told me to do these two things.

Sending big hugs to you.

To add to this... as I learned from a previous situation, take screen shots of online activities as well. Online profiles for dating/sex sites, purchases, secret accounts, separate phones. Unfortunately you do need to start stockpiling to protect yourself if it gets to that point.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I am so sorry, I know how hard this can be and how emotional it is going through this and trying to carry on at work. I honestly think there is a third party involved here pushing him. I was married for 27 years, two kids and my husband "played hockey" a lot. Oh yes and then he went to "the gym". Then he went to "watch hockey games" (not professional ones, just other teams). Then his crazy girlfriend (who he told me was a "stalker") got upset because he was taking too long to "tell me" so she started harassing me, calling the house at 3 in the morning when my husband was working night shift, etc.

Please find one person you can talk to and confide in and will just listen. I know it feels like you are losing your mind. I am little confused though why the two options are having kids with someone else but not with you? Is it because of the long hours you work?

I am so sorry but I really think something has been going on for a while with someone else. If I am wrong, please forgive me.

I am not sure you own your home or rent but it is better if you stay and he moves out.

If you have any joint accounts, monitor them daily. Start stashing cash. Sorry for being crass but I wish someone had told me to do these two things.

Sending big hugs to you.

To add to this... as I learned from a previous situation, take screen shots of online activities as well. Online profiles for dating/sex sites, purchases, secret accounts, separate phones. Unfortunately you do need to start stockpiling to protect yourself if it gets to that point.

ditto thritto quadritto

If you think stashing cash will be difficult, then when you go to the grocery store pick up cash value gift cards (visa, amex, etc) in small denominations and stash them. But definitely watch the accounts daily, here in the states we have "community property" states, wherein both parties in the marriage own all assets (liquid and fixed) equally and can basically do as they please until there's something in place that says otherwise.


ETA: I think the two biggest concerns here are him removing money from your accounts, which he may be entitled to do unless and until you have a legal agreement in place, and him going for spousal support. I'm not sure what he does for work, but as a physician you have a pretty major earning potential, which he could try and use to his advantage. At the same time, it's good that this is happening now when you're pulling a resident's salary and have med school debt than in the future when you're realizing the maximum compensation that your position can carry. You wont be left penniless because of that earning potential, so take solace in that. At the same time he could argue for more than 50% because his earning potential is less, etc.

 

[movie zombie]

......Allycat, be gentle with yourself in the coming weeks. Let yourself feel what you need to. if you need to cry, then cry. If you need to vent your anger, then punch a pillow. You don't have to hold it together for him, or anyone else.

definitely read this, believe it, and do what you need when you need to.

and protect yourself legally as suggested by others.........

 

[OreoRosies86]

I'm sorry to keep adding to this, but more thoughts keep coming. I just know the feeling of "Who is this person I married". It can be very easy to carry on a separate life. The late nights at work, the out of town business trips, the boy's nights... they add up. Go with your instincts. You know when something just isn't right. I think what hurt the most is that if I hadn't gone looking I never would have found out until I was completely blindsided. Instead I gathered what I knew, confronted, and promptly went and got myself tested and began the breakup process. I believe that can be a self preservation method as well in the early stages, to proceed in a very pragmatic and calculated way. In my mind it was essentially "Ok, this relationship is now over. How do I proceed." Bear in mind that it was only because I knew this was not a situation that counseling would fix and I wanted to move on with my life. You are not in the wrong. You have been upfront since day one and please remember that if you decide to end the marriage you will hear things that will hurt. They will make you doubt yourself, you will feel as though you didn't try hard enough and a number of things. This is where the "take care of yourself" advice is SO important and do not overlook it. You obviously have a lot going for you. You will come out the other side one way or the other that I can promise.

 

[iluvshinythings]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Some really good words of wisdom have been offered and I don't much to add except:

I'd just like to say that you're not alone. I've been through a similar situation and so have others. Don't beat yourself up about it.

You will get through this. I was devastated when my marriage ended but I got through it one day at a time. Give yourself some time to grieve. Cry. Take long baths. Go for long walks. Write in your journal. Talk to a good friend. Get counseling. Allow yourself to feel the pain and when the time is right, allow yourself to move past it and enjoy the present and look forward to the future. My divorce was four years ago. It took about six months for me to stop crying on a regular basis. Then I was numb for a while. Around two years post-divorce, I felt more like myself. Now I can look back and appreciate that my life is better in ways it never would have been if my marriage had of survived.

Hugs to you.

 

[monarch64]

Ally, you were so kind to me when I went through my divorce. Please remember to treat yourself like you would treat a friend. Be kind to yourself and play it smart. Your decisions now will affect the rest of your life. You are a strong woman, and although it feels like it right now, you are not going to fall apart. With time, you may even look back at this and view it in a more positive way--as an opportunity for both he and you to move on and find happiness. Hugs, and best of luck to you.

 

[Boatluvr]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. As others have said, don't blame yourself and you are not alone. I was a mess for about six months. I'd break down and cry uncontrollably. I'd 'second guess' myself constantly 'what would have happened it I had .....'. It's a detox process. I was a little less sad - every day. And then the day finally came where I realized I was happy again. It WILL happen.

You've gotten a lot of good advice! Try and set aside a 'slush' fund - you will probably need it. Most importantly (as someone else has already suggested), look at this as if a business partnership is breaking up. What do you need to take away from it? Try to separate the hurt and pain and look at the best solution for you.

I think he's already moved on without you. Now you have to move on too.

 

[Gypsy]

Ally, I'm sorry for your heartbreak.

Are you seeing a therapist? Preferably one that is trained in Narrative and CBT? If not, I think its time you get someone for you to talk to with the training to help you.

About your husband and marriage. You guys are the square peg and the round hole. You don't fit. Maybe you did when they were 16 but that time is long past. You need to stop hurting yourself by forcing things to work when there is such an obvious misfit and move on. All you are doing is prolonging the inevitable. Unfortunately, sometimes love and many years together aren't enough to sustain relationships into the future. You've both grown apart and will continue to do so. Mourn and grieve for what has and could have been but it is time to start a new chapter of your life without him.

And please, listen to the advice of the other posters and protect yourself legally starting now.

Best,
Me

 

[smitcompton]

the firstHi,

Allycat, you work 120 hrs per week. When are you home for your husband? Yes, he goes to hockey games and the gym, but what else would you have him do when you're at work? He is taking a new look at his future. I don't think anything is settled at this point.I would like some clarification of what was written in those e-mails with another woman that made you leave him for a month. You may have a lonely husband. Then you go off and leave him alone again for a month.

I cannot know what his conclusions will be from therapy. but I think the first thing you should do is get yourself a good therapist.
You are shaky right now and need someone you trust to help you.

I personally would not leave at this time. You have loved him a long time and he has loved you. nThis is a big bump in the road, but you should talk about it with him. Sometimes things are no ones fault. Change is inevitable, but running from it doesn't help.

I hope there is not another woman involved, and if there is I hope he would tell you. Go home and try to talk. You'll cry a while, but you do have to find the answers.

Close your eyes, picture the warm loving arms of the women of the forum around you.

Annette

 

[Begonia]

Ah jeez alleycat.

Not much to add.

( ) ( ) ( ) ( ) ( )...those are hugs.

 

[VRBeauty]

I have no insights to offer, just (((((hugs))))) and a wish that you were returning to PS under different circumstances.

Please do what you need to do to take care of and protect yourself.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

He says there are 2 paths, A) He leaves me and finds a girl to have children with B) He stays with me and has a luxurious lifestyle, but won't have children. When we got married, he said it would be ok that I didn't want children. That he would support me during all this residency. Then last year he was adamant that he did not want children. And now this.

Wait a second. He sees "luxurious lifestyle" as your contribution to the marriage? Is that all the good he has to say about staying with you? Sorry, I am seeing red right now for you. You are a wonderful person and you bring a lot to the relationship, not just a meal ticket.

The more I think about the situation, the more I think that children are something of a red herring. If he wants children, why wasn't interested in the egg freezing (no one in their right mind would want children during a residency)? Why didn't he use it to start a conversation on family? It is easy to use children as a get out card but I think there is a lot more going on there.

You are being honest and open about your plans and what you want from your marriage. I don't think he is. That is his failing, not yours.

Be a little selfish right now: take care of yourself, protect yourself. Talk to a lawyer and understand what your choices and consequences are (even if you decide to do nothing, information empowers). Don't leave your home - let him go if he is so determined. Find a therapist to help you. Take it one day at a time.

 

[Kaleigh]

Big big hugs to you. I know you have been through a lot. I think this is where you take time for YOU.

What ever that means but you need to get some space to evaluate what is the best for you going forward....

Trust me, I did that for me, and sadly it meant seperating from my husband of 26 years... As painful as that was, I am in a much better place . I just couldn't do being with him and being unhappy any longer.

We have adult children as you may know and it's been super hard on them...

I think you know in your gut what to do and pray you get the strength to make a life that is happy for you and one where you are respected and treated in the manner you so deserve....

I have followed you since joining PS and admire you.

Be strong lady!!!!

 

[amc80]

Allycat, you work 120 hrs per week. When are you home for your husband? Yes, he goes to hockey games and the gym, but what else would you have him do when you're at work? He is taking a new look at his future. I don't think anything is settled at this point.I would like some clarification of what was written in those e-mails with another woman that made you leave him for a month. You may have a lonely husband. Then you go off and leave him alone again for a month.

This is well said.

I think it is important to look at what you both want your lives to look at in 10 years. If he sees kids and a wife at home then it probably isn't a match. As someone mentioned, the kids issue is black and white. You either want them or you don't. In order for him to stay with you, he has to love you more than he loves the idea of kids. That's a lot to give up.

Hang in there. This is a sucky situation. Hugs.

 

[Clairitek]

I agree with others who have mentioned that they think the children thing is a red herring.

The following may sound really cynical but my gut is telling me this may be what is going on with him.

My feeling on this situation is that he wants to move on from the marriage but it too chicken to just be honest and tell you that he doesnt want to be married to you anymore. Instead of doing that he has gone and started a relationship of sorts with someone else and used it to bolster his confidence. Now he's in the stage of planting the seed in you that he may want out. Acting strangely, being emotionally abusive to you, harping you on about children and threatening to leave. It's all part of instilling doubt in you to mow you down so you'll acquiesce to his wants.

I think MZ and HH's posts have fantastic advice.

 

[NovemberBride]

the firstHi,

Allycat, you work 120 hrs per week. When are you home for your husband? Yes, he goes to hockey games and the gym, but what else would you have him do when you're at work? He is taking a new look at his future. I don't think anything is settled at this point.I would like some clarification of what was written in those e-mails with another woman that made you leave him for a month. You may have a lonely husband. Then you go off and leave him alone again for a month.

I cannot know what his conclusions will be from therapy. but I think the first thing you should do is get yourself a good therapist.
You are shaky right now and need someone you trust to help you.

I personally would not leave at this time. You have loved him a long time and he has loved you. nThis is a big bump in the road, but you should talk about it with him. Sometimes things are no ones fault. Change is inevitable, but running from it doesn't help.

I hope there is not another woman involved, and if there is I hope he would tell you. Go home and try to talk. You'll cry a while, but you do have to find the answers.

Close your eyes, picture the warm loving arms of the women of the forum around you.

Annette

Are you kidding me? She is a doctor, in the midst of her residency. I believe she is training to be a cardiologist. Her husband knew exactly what he was getting into when they were married (I am pretty sure she was in medical school at the time). She should feel bad for leaving him for a month due to infidelity because he might be lonely???? Her husband is a grown man. If the roles were reversed, and her husband were the medical resident, would you excuse similar behavior from a wife because she is lonely? This smacks of sexism and outdated notions that wives must cater to their husbands and keep their attention or it is our fault if they stray.

I was a junior associate at a large law firm when I married my husband. I wasn't working 120 hours a week, but I was working quite a lot, 15-16 hour days sometimes 6-7 days a week. My husband didn't spend a lot of time being lonely, nor did I spend time worrying about his loneliness. He was an adult with his own friends and interests and he pursued them. And more importantly, he supported me in my career by doing a lion's share of the duties at home (cooking, cleaning, shopping). He certainly didn't pursue relationships with other women because I was busy launching my career and building a strong financial footing for our family.

 

[amc80]

Are you kidding me? She is a doctor, in the midst of her residency. I believe she is training to be a cardiologist. Her husband knew exactly what he was getting into when they were married (I am pretty sure she was in medical school at the time). She should feel bad for leaving him for a month due to infidelity because he might be lonely???? Her husband is a grown man. If the roles were reversed, and her husband were the medical resident, would you excuse similar behavior from a wife because she is lonely? This smacks of sexism and outdated notions that wives must cater to their husbands and keep their attention or it is our fault if they stray.

I was a junior associate at a large law firm when I married my husband. I wasn't working 120 hours a week, but I was working quite a lot, 15-16 hour days sometimes 6-7 days a week. My husband didn't spend a lot of time being lonely, nor did I spend time worrying about his loneliness. He was an adult with his own friends and interests and he pursued them. And more importantly, he supported me in my career by doing a lion's share of the duties at home (cooking, cleaning, shopping). He certainly didn't pursue relationships with other women because I was busy launching my career and building a strong financial footing for our family.

Maybe her husband thought it would be fine and then realized it isn't what he wants. And then took a really crappy way to show that he's not happy. There's a difference between knowing that you are going to be married to someone in a residency and actually being married to someone in a residency. Don't get me wrong, there is no excuse to cheat (if that is what is going on). It really sounds like he just wants out and isn't going about it in the most respectable way.

 

[House Cat]

Ally, I'm sorry for your heartbreak.

Are you seeing a therapist? Preferably one that is trained in Narrative and CBT? If not, I think its time you get someone for you to talk to with the training to help you.

About your husband and marriage. You guys are the square peg and the round hole. You don't fit. Maybe you did when they were 16 but that time is long past. You need to stop hurting yourself by forcing things to work when there is such an obvious misfit and move on. All you are doing is prolonging the inevitable. Unfortunately, sometimes love and many years together aren't enough to sustain relationships into the future. You've both grown apart and will continue to do so. Mourn and grieve for what has and could have been but it is time to start a new chapter of your life without him.

And please, listen to the advice of the other posters and protect yourself legally starting now.

Best,
Me

This.

I remember all of the unrest surrounding your marriage. He has hurt you too much. Your pain is a message, telling you that something isn't right. Listen to it this time, instead of pushing it down and ignoring it. This person hasn't treated you well for a long, long time.

Remember the old saying, "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." He has shown you and shown you and shown you. Stop projecting what you dream he will be, what you hope he will be, and look at him and his actions objectively. Then listen to your pain.

Please seek a therapist. Find someone who speaks to your soul. People have said DBT or Narrative as suggestions and they are good. I have someone who does EFT and EMDR because I have trauma, but mostly, I feel like she understands my heart. She is teaching me to love myself. This is important. It sounds as though you need a tender soul to witness your process. You sound like such a sweet woman.

I wish you the best.

 

[bliss_cathy]

I think there are two very complex issues going on at the moment. I am so sorry that you are in pain right now, please try to breath and try to reflect for while and don't do anything rash.

1) Your job does affect the relationship dynamic. My cousin is also married to a cardiology fellow, she also works the long crazy hours you are describing and is also due to work overseas in a couple years. My cousin, although he has his own business and people working for him, by default he has become the primary caregiver of their 2 year old son. Even before they had a child he would attend family get togethers alone as she would either be working/studying/too tired to come. His business has now just started to take off, so when she is due to work overseas, I am unsure at this stage how they will manage this. My guess is he will need to compromise for her career.

Another couple I know, the husband is a paediatrician, and the wife is an anaesthetist. He would always joke that he had the stay at home 'non job' side of the relationship. And this is between two specialised Drs, let alone a specialist physician and an 'insert other job here'.

I don't know what your speciality is but I do think that your job is your number 1 commitment at the moment. Depending on what you specialise in this will also affect your relationship even more. Your husband has a lot of time to think and be on his own and may in some part feel he is losing a sense of himself as the majority of the time he may feel he is supporting your career. This relationship dynamic is something that I think needs to be addressed and understood. At the moment I think it may have just happened organically as you have been together since 16 and it hasn't been actively thought about.

2) The children part. This is something very delicate and tender in my opinion. I think that the long hours you are working combined with the knowledge that he may not have children would compound even more the feelings he may be going through. He may be reflecting on his future is looking like and what that means for him.

These are just my thoughts and my own insights so I'm sorry in advance if I've said something wrong.

ETA- I just wanted to add, I don't know any of the relationship history, just what was in this post. Also, I didn't comment on the emails either.

 

[Kaleigh]

Lots of good advice. Hoping you check in with us.. Been there with you for a long time and want you to be OK...