Handeling a problematic fiance, you ladies on ｍｙ side?

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

Alright, to the point. Shortly after I proposed a few days ago she mentioned not wearing the ring at work. well, she works from 9am-10pm 5 days a week, so to me, that is unacceptable. I let her know that and explained that it was my belief and in my culture a common pracitce, that she should wear the ring all day. Anyway, at the time she agreed.

So I went to eat lunch with her today and we had 15 minutes left over so I was looking for a cheap second ring for her to wear on top of her Ering until I can get it resized, just to make sure it doesnt fall off. Then we got into an argument because she didnt want just any old cheap one, she wanted one she really liked. And she let me know "I want to keep looking until I find one I like, I cant wear my ring at work anyway" and so I found out, she does not wear the ring while she is working. So, at the time I didnt say anything, I just stayed quite, but that silence is not going to last for very long.

For two reasons this is unacceptable to me. One is that it is my engagment ring to her, I expect her to wear it during the day, and that is all there is to it.

Two, I have pretty much had to sacrifice any of my own personal desires for the past year, except for some sandals, and will have to continue doing so for the next several months once I return home, to pay for the ring, and as many of you probably know, I have put alot of time and thought into picking a very beautiful ring that will make her oblige what I know of her taste and preferences--and I believe I did just that. So I will be damned if, after all of that work and sacrifice, it is just sitting in some locker for 13 hours a day.

anyway, she works at a suit company and she says that nobody else wears there erings because they are too tall, and she says that hers might get caught on the suits and could tug on the threads a bit, etc. (and, unfortunately, this ring does not quite pass the panty hose test, though it isnt too bad)

So my position is that I dont care, if it tears a suit I will pay for it, and if she really insist it is too tall then I will just sell this setting for 50 bucks on ebay and buy her a new one she can pick out herself.

However, while I am very willing to understand cultural differences, and it does seem to be the general cultural practice here in Japan not to wear Erings while working, I am afraid that this time in this regard she is simply going to have to conform to me and my beliefs and practices. Anybody have any idea how I am going to convince her to do this without causing a serious problem between us and being mean? I was silent because I am well aware that this is a sensitive topic and if I approach in incorrectly it could really ruin the whole Engagement process. But at the same time, it ruins it for me if she is not wearing the ring. I know it is just a ring, and the important part is our relationship, but the thing is that our relationship is pretty much the same, minus a few small emotional changes that official engagment has brought, but we both knew this was coming and had discussed where we were heading before, now the only difference is openly making plans with the family and having a ring to show it to the world. And I plan for both of those changes to take place.

and If you think I am in the wrong then feel free to share it, but I am afraid I wont be taking your advice

 

[lumpkin]

Are you in Japan now? If you are in the US (or UK or another westernized country) I agree with you. She should be wearing it. But if you''re in Japan....well, let''s just say, "When in Japan do as the Japanese do..." I''m sure you wouldn''t want her to get into trouble at work over a ring, even one you worked (and are working) so hard for.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Gosh, this is such a unique situation. I think as long as she is in her culture, you need to respect her customs. If she were to come here, then I think she should learn that we wear an e-ring all waking hours. Where will you live when you marry? One of you will need to adapt to the culture of the other to some extent.

 

[monarch64]

Yup, very unique situation, and I can honestly not take sides here, sorry WHFSR! My only solution if she insists on not wearing the ring as is, and you want it "known" that she''s a taken lady, is to get her a nice "fake" ring in a bezel setting so it doesn''t catch on anything while she''s working. Hmmmm, I don''t even know if that''s a good suggestion, but it''s the only one I can think of. Sorry to hear you''re having an issue already...but consider it one of those many things you''ll have to work through and compromise on in your marriage.

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

I might could agree with that except, I can imagine that her cultural pressure to not wear the ring at work couldnt possibly be nearly as strong as my desire for her to wear it you know? I mean if she wears it, what the heck are other people going to do? surely nobody will care nearly as much as me if she wears a ring or not....

 

[door knob solitaire]

Oh dear. WFSR...you went to so much effort and trouble. I am sure she loves the ring and all your effort.

I live in the US...where we are not big on customs and frankly etiquette seems to take a second seat. Yes I am on your side. You must be disappointed ...frustrated...and I am sure hurt too. I don't understand why wearing it would be a cultural faux pax.

Japan is based on custom, tradition and boat loads of etiquette-isn't it? I know not what she is referring to...about no one wears this or that based on this or that. Again not here in the states-we girls wait and toil for the bling...we are going to wear that puppy! Its funny many brides have this dilemma with there husbands not wearing the ring...I am sure this is the first I have learned of a woman initiating the problem.

I do believe you have every right to be upset. Hurt. Disappointed. I urge you to sit down with her and discuss how this hurts you. Tell her you get the impression she doesnt want to look engaged in not wearing the ring...remind her you are accustomed to an engagement period with the ring the main attraction-and remind her of all the effort in shopping for it. It seems odd that she is choosing not to wear it. Ask what it would take to be safe to wear everyday. You might have to remount it low really low.

You have got to talk to her!! You are about to marry her. Communication is the most important aspect. Make sure you have the tools to handle that part of your union, successfully. Best wishes and once again you are not alone.

DKS

 

[chiefneil]

I''m sorry to hear you''re having a disagreement over what should be an object loaded with happy sentiment. I don''t know what the cultural norms in Japan are, but if they truly don''t wear diamond rings for engagements, then I don''t think you should try to storm that hill. In fact, you might consider returning the ring (if she really doesn''t care about it either way) and letting her pick whatever she feels is appropriate.

It''s a bummer since you put so much work into picking out the perfect diamond, but don''t lose sight of the fact that it''s the engagement that''s important. The ring is just a symbol, and it should be something she loves, so bend a little and go with her wishes. It''s her finger. And this won''t be the first time you have to give in, so you might as well start getting used to it

 

[monarch64]

Date: 8/11/2007 1:24:13 AM
Author: WorkingHardforSmallRewards
I might could agree with that except, I can imagine that her cultural pressure to not wear the ring at work couldnt possibly be nearly as strong as my desire for her to wear it you know? I mean if she wears it, what the heck are other people going to do? surely nobody will care nearly as much as me if she wears a ring or not....

Wait, so YOUR wants and needs overshadow HER cultural norms and values? WHfSR, don''t you think that''s a teeny little bitty bit one sided and unfair???

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

oh they have rings for engagements....thats not the issue. I was def. expected to buy one, especially with those her age (if she were 40-50 I might be able to get away with not diong it, but def not at 25) though its quite a bit larger than I needed to get which is fine with me. Its just that they dont really wear them....

for instance, I have a chinese friend who recently got married. though her husband has completed his Doctorates in America he was unable to get a job in South carolina due to the timing of his graduation in correspondence with applications to live in america. thus he is living her illegally making 4-5 dollars an hour under the table and cant work full time, yet she still made him go to tif. and buy her a 2,500 dollar Ering that she went on to say was too small and she cant keep it, but she has to have one for now. What does she do with it? she leaves it in her closet! she hasnt worn it a single day!

anyway, my fiance wears it when she gets out of work and at home and she will wear it when she is shopping, etc, but not when she is working, which is the bulk of her time in life these days.

While one part of me understands it, the fact is I wont accept it at this point. Not 4 days after the proposal anyway. so its just a matter of trying to figure out how to talk about it without causing a fight, which I am afraid is going to be impossible.

Also in the future we will live in America but thats a good year to year and half, where I am positive she will wear it all the time. It probably shouldnt be as big a deal as I am making it out to be, but it is to me. so we will see what happens...but I nobody here to talk to so instead of going out to continue hunting for a jeweler familiar with palladium, as I had intended　（I cam across an Indian jeweler a while back and I remember he had a good bit of bench material in the back, so I am hoping he can do it), I paid for the media cafe so I could post here, since im a little angry

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

Date: 8/11/2007 1:48:46 AM
Author: monarch64

Date: 8/11/2007 1:24:13 AM

Author: WorkingHardforSmallRewards

I might could agree with that except, I can imagine that her cultural pressure to not wear the ring at work couldnt possibly be nearly as strong as my desire for her to wear it you know? I mean if she wears it, what the heck are other people going to do? surely nobody will care nearly as much as me if she wears a ring or not....

Wait, so YOUR wants and needs overshadow HER cultural norms and values? WHfSR, don't you think that's a teeny little bitty bit one sided and unfair???

its not that they totally overshadow it. I very frequently adopt to her cultural norms. However, my point is that if she wears the ring what does anybody else care? at most they think "oh she is wearing her ring" and move on. its not like she is walking around nude or anything. but if she doesnt wear it then it really offends me and my expectations and my desires. So if you weigh the two, it seems like it should be a clear decision to accomodate me in this situation, as it is very important to me.

And while I think if I push the matter hard enough I think I can bassically convince her to wear it, but then that would nullify the meaning of it. As its not just about her wearing it, but about her loving to wear it. so I am stuck, I really dont think I have any choice but just to accept that she will do whatever she wants, even if its pissing me off, because if I try to convince her I dont think there is anyway I can convince her to wear it and be really excited to do it while she is working--meaning that it would not be what I want anyway. ugh

so bassically on writing this I am realizing that when she does wear it she is really excited to wear it, that much is obvious, but the more I press it the less she will enjoy wearing it in general even if she were to wear it more often. And yet if I dont press the matter at all she will wear it when she wants, which wont be enough for me and makes me upset, but its pretty much the closest I will get　to my desires as the less she wants to wear it the further away I am from my objective. any ideas on how to overcome that barrier would be great though...

 

[Mara]

i have a few thoughts on this...first is that no you are not crazy to want your new fiancee to wear the ring you spent time and effort and sacrificed to choose for her. i think you have great points. however, the fact of the matter is she is not wearing it. she has good reason to not wear it, whether or not you feel like it's 'good enough' reason is another story.

some of your post bothers me, mostly because of your tone. personally, if my husband or fiance told me he felt like not wearing my ring was 'unacceptable'...i'd feel like a kid being talked to by my parents. and gosh nevermind if he said that my not wearing my ring 'offended' him. which is really not the tone you want to be setting. so hopefully you didn't approach her with that kind of attitude about wearing the ring. also i don't like it when people point out what they have done or sacrificed for XYZ and then use that as justification to try to bend me to their will.

but on the other hand, yes i think you have great points and that she should wear the ring, it's a symbol for you and it is important to you and she should respect that. yet on the other hand you should respect her wishes as well. so you two are kind of at an impasse. you are right in that coercing her or pushing her to wear the ring will be no battle won even if she does eventually wear the ring.

my initial thought was....get a new ring. a flat band she can wear at work but something that you both love. i'm thinking bezel set diamonds that are flat/level with the ring itself. think of the elsa peretti single diamond band at tiffany. something that won't catch on anything but is *something* that you both like that can act in the e-ring's place while she works.

the other thing is that while i recognize you are newly engaged, you seem disturbed she has the ring off for 12+ hours a day. what if she worked 4 hours a day...would it be okay to not wear it 4 hours? for me it's kind of like well don't be upset that she isn't wearing the ring for so much of the day, but rather be upset she is just flat out not wearing the ring and address THAT issue. she won't always be working 12 hours a day if that is your issue.

but really the bottom line is that she loves the ring but doesn't want to wear it at work, you are upset with that. so find a workaround, compromise. it's what marriage is about in many ways....you want one thing, she feels another way...so you have to meet somewhere in the middle. consider this your first take at compromise.

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

well of course I wouldnt talk to her like that, thats why I didnt say anything to her yet and came to post here

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 8/11/2007 3:24:59 AM
Author: WorkingHardforSmallRewards
well of course I wouldnt talk to her like that, thats why I didnt say anything to her yet and came to post here

Id hope not cuz you came across as a whiney little boy.
Get over it allready in the long run it matters not one little bit if she wears it at work for the next year and a half or not.

 

[firebirdgold]

Actually a large number of women on this board do not wear their ering all the time. Generally it''s to protect the ring from damage or from getting dirty.

If she''s working with fine suits she may be required not to wear jewelry or have long fingernails that could damage the materials. It''s part of her job!

Also fabric can wear away at rings very quickly. I''ve heard tales on PS of seamstresses and women who handle fabric going through prongs really quickly! (It''s one of the main reasons many women don''t wear their ring at night, because it can rub on the sheets.) If I worked with fabric, I''d take mine off too!

I am sure she''s shown the ring off to everybody at work. Try not to be offended that she puts it somewhere safe. It''s not showing a disrespect for your hard work or your feelings, it''s actually the opposite. She very excitedly wears it everywhere in public and for the rest of the time. She''s proud of the ring and of the milestone in your relationship it represents.

Don''t ruin such a special time by second guessing her attachment to you and to your gift of love.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 8/11/2007 12:52:02 AM
Author:WorkingHardforSmallRewards

.....I am afraid that this time in this regard she is simply going to have to conform to me and my beliefs and practices.

WH, this sentence above is what I find most problematic. My dear, you are about the get *married*........and if you are going into this with the expectation of telling her when she has to "conform" to your wants, you''re going to have a very rough start.

I completely understand how you feel. If I were giving such a meaningful and important gift, I''d very much want my s/o to wear it. BUT.....as you noted....you can''t ''make'' her do anything.

It''s a solid reason she doesn''t want to wear it at work. I''m sure her employer would get irritated if she were to damage his merchandise, and it''s easy to foresee how that could happen repeatedly. Further, the risk of snagging could put the ring you worked so hard for at risk, too! If prongs pulled away and the diamond were lost, I''m sure she''d feel TERRIBLE.

Honestly??? I think the fact that she wears it TO work and takes the gamble of putting it in a locker makes a positive statement about how much she DOES want to wear it. If it were me, I''d leave it at home in the safety of my jewelry box/home when I went to work.

Marriage is about COMPROMISE......not ''you will *conform* to my wishes/will''. There IS a compromise here......and that''s to get a simple flat band (maybe something with a few pave diamonds in it, as Mara suggested) that she can safely wear to work. I can understand not wanting to wear the e-ring, but there shouldn''t be a problem wearing some kind of ring that doesn''t pose a risk. That''s a possible compromise. Another would be to get the stone reset into a half- or full-bezel setting, or some other setting that doesn''t have prongs.

If you move away from demanding that she do what you want and move toward helping her find a way to wear a ring, you''re much more likely to have a good outcome.

 

[rainbowtrout]

OK, so here is my thoughts:

1) japanese culture is something totally foreign to us Americans in terms of its strength and influence. Maybe it isn''t a HUGE faux pas, but the values of the community are so so important in Japan and it feels like you don''t understand that fully.


2) She works in a fabric shop...and you want her to wear the ring all the time?? Has it occured to you that she could a) damage the RING or b) damage her HAND? It''s not clear to me if she works in a factory or a small shop but if she works in a factory or anywhere with large heavy machine wearing the ring could be *dangerous.*


I don''t wear my ring every day at all!!!! FI knows I love it and I wear it on days when I feel like there is no chance of me damaging it or catching it on things. Sometimes I just don''t wear it because I am tired for heaven''s sake, and I don''t want to bash my hand into something when I am not paying attn.

 

[Independent Gal]

It may well be a rule that you can''t wear rings and things at her work. If so, pressuring her to wear it might put her in a VERY difficult position.

It''s pretty normal in many professions to have to take off any ''pointy'' jewelry. For example, doctors and nurses, who are always taking gloves off and on, often don''t wear an e- ring or diamond wedding band. It could cause a tear in the gloves... scratch a patient... And some moms don''t wear their diamond when their kids are little becuase the diamond might scratch the child. People who do any kind of dangerous, heavy work will no doubt remove any diamonds first too.

At the same time, I do completely understand your disappointment. To you, her not wanting to wear the ring says ''She doesn''t appreciate my gift!'' and worse ''She doesn''t want to announce to the world that we''re engaged!'' But to her it is a practical matter of doing her job properly and respecting her boss. If you insist she wear her ring DESPITE the norms and rules at her work, then it''s like you''re suggesting that HER hard work every day is not as important as her showing off YOUR hard work.

So, what about making a deal like: whenever she is not at work, she should wear the ring, but when she needs to take it off for the reason that she has obligations to her employer not to destroy his property (whether or not you pay for it, on principle she should be trying not to destroy it in the first place! not to mention the potential damage to the ring!). You could also ask her to agree to wear the ring at work should she someday get a job that the ring is conducive to.

But this is definitely a place for compromise in my view. I''d be PLENTY P''ED OFF if my FI insisted I do something that might jeopardize my job. It would suggest that he didn''t respect the work that I did. See what I mean?

Bottom line: I totally hear ya! And I totally hear her! Time for a compromise.

 

[neatfreak]

I think it's perfectly understandable for her to want to respect her cultural norms and I do think it's a bit selfish of you to ask her to totally ignore them JUST FOR YOU. Your posts are coming across really selfish and rude, so I sure hope you don't talk to her that way!

I think that as long as she is happy to wear the ring outside of work you should just be quiet about it. Just my .02 here, but I don't think you're really going to get much support here on your side on this topic. None of us ladies here like to be forced to do ANYTHING even if it involves jewelry!

ETA: I also think the title of this thread is a bit off putting. I mean problematic fiance? It makes her sound like an untrainable puppy dog...

 

[mrssalvo]

well, I''d first find out if snagging the suits it was really bothers her about wearing the ring or if it''s something else. Maybe she''s uncomforable with wearing the diamond in front of her coworkers? maybe she doesn''t really like the setting? or maybe the possible damage to the suits is really just it. I do understand you feeling hurt that she isn''t wearing it, and you can let her know that and then try to find out what the real reasons are and try to make things easier for her.

I worked as an aquatics directer when I was engaged and was in the pool a lot and worked with chemicals etc. so I didn''t wear my ring to work either. my hubby just bought me a plain wg band to wear and I still wear it to this day. I think taking her to find something she''d feel comfortable wearing to work is a really good idea. Once she gets to the states, I bet she starts wearing the big diamond more

 

[sumbride]

If she were a neurosurgeon, would you STILL expect her to wear her ring at work?


I think you are being selfish. She is still engaged to you, whether she is wearing the ring or not. When she takes it off, she''s not taking it off and throwing it at you... she''s putting it away so it stays SAFE. And so does her job!

Stop and think for a second... Will you wear YOUR ring all the time? What if you are doing hard labor? Swimming in the ocean? Cooking? There are times when you have to take your ring off to protect yourself and/or your ring. It''s not personal. It''s really not.

I''m sitting here, right now, in my living room and I am NOT wearing my e-ring. I love it, but at the moment it is in the jewelry box! It doesn''t mean I am any less engaged or love my fiance any less... I''m just not wearing it at the moment. I''ll put it on later. And he''s FINE with that. I suggest you think about how she feels, not how you feel.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

If your fiancee'' does not want to wear the ring at work for fear of damaging either the ring or the things she makes, would it be feasible for her to wear the ring as a pendant on a chain while she''s working?

 

[door knob solitaire]

You ok Working?

Whew...You got hit pretty hard. Just dust yourself off and allow it to make you stronger. It is obvious everyone has a opinion in this and it got pretty emotional. For the record I think you came to your reliable new friends on this JEWELRY board to vent about weeks of hard work and toil on your JEWELRY purchase. Just asking for support on your feelings. You couldn''t go yet to your finance until your vented. And already within the first week after giving your treasure to your betrothed, your were hit with no excitement of your hard work. That is the underlying theme I read in your post.

I do agree with your anguish. You worked hard...you thought about this purchase day and night you spent hard work income to pay for your gift of expression of devotion and love. I am sure if I were you I would hope the response would have been something like i will never take it off!!! I bet you even pictured conversations at dinner about the girls at work constantly complimenting your finances new ring. You have every reason to feel deflated. I just want to chime in her and let you know your feelings are valid.

The board is trying to express she has a career and a culture that isn''t going to adjust. I find it hard to believe a culture doesn''t believe in allowing individuality and expressions of commitment shown in the exchange of engagement rings. In this day and age and divorce and infidelity...it is such a refreshing uplifting even to be a witness when two people promise to one another a life of commitment. I think it should be celebrated!!! Yahoo!! Yippee!! So I am sad in that respect for that or any culture that endorses that. The fabric thing should hold some merit...like you said it doesn''t pass the hosiery test. A fine silk garment must be touched only with gloved hands...so someone in that industry would also not wear rings.

Is there anyway she could wear your ring on a chain around her neck, under her clothing? Ask if she would oblige you. As this gift was meant to be with her as you are not...in this new and excited time of engagement.

Would you also post a picture of your ring in this post once again. I think all who read it may be enlightened to the issue if we have it available to look at. (This is the evidence of this heated court case!!!) So please present the article in question!!

And one more thing...most important. The girls and guys on this board totally respect and encourage men like you to get so involved as you did in their diamond purchase. You didn''t just go out and buy one of those diamond rings. You came here and got informed and bought wisely.

My hat is off to you. Please don''t feel beat up for the hard work you did.

DKS

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 8/11/2007 1:51:16 AM
Author: WorkingHardforSmallRewards
I was def. expected to buy one, especially with those her age (if she were 40-50 I might be able to get away with not doing it, but def not at 25)

I don''t even want to get INTO the implications of this statement. Suffice to say -- they are alarming.

--------BUT FORGETTING THAT -----------

MadameBijiou has a fine compromise: ask her if she''ll wear it on a chain as a pendant during work. Buy her a lovely chain (suitable for a nubile 25 year old

) and add that to your tab, I mean, gift. I''ve seen a female carpenter on Trading Spaces wear her e-ring & wedding band as pendants while working with saws etc.

Rings have NO PLACE on hands in sewing shops or any place with MOVING EQUIPMENT. It is a safety hazard here in the US as well as Rainbowtrout mentioned ... men AND women are not allowed to wear their WEDDING BANDS for fear of mangled fingers. Do you really want to risk your fiances HANDS for your "comfort"?

Most frustration in life is caused by a difference of EXPECTATION and REALITY. You expected one thing and now you''re facing REALITY.

 

[risingsun]

If you insist your FI wear her ring at a time and place which is uncomfortable to her, the ring itself may take on a negative meaning. I'm sure you would not want that to happen. It sounds as if she is happy to wear it in circumstances that feel appropriate to her. Please respect her choice in this matter. This is about her feelings about her ring. Better that she wear it out of love, than resentment and pressure.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Your comment stating, "I have put alot of time and thought into picking a very beautiful ring that will make her oblige," is frightening. Is this how you truely THINK? She must oblige? Sorry, this is just sad. . .

I do think having your fiance wear her ring on a chain sounds like the perfect solution. Hopefully you can see your fiances perpective re: WHY she isn''t wearing her ring while working rather than only look at the situation from YOUR viewpoint.

 

[Mytwocents]

Hi I''m normally more of a lurker but reading this post I felt that I had to reply to you. I am Japanese, lived in the States for more than 20 years now but go back to Japan often and have family and friends there. I work in a Japanese company as well and even here in the US, the japanese ladies don''t wear their full engagement and wedding ring set.

Receiving an engagement ring is customary yes, even for those over 40/50 years old, however it is not worn at work. Ever. They may be worn at parties or going out shopping on weekends which your fiancé seems to be doing. You seem to simplify the issue and say I expect her to wear it and it is unacceptable and that is all there is to it...I don''t think it is that simple and straightforward. Forgive me but your post makes me wonder how well you know Japanese culture and how you view your fiancée.

I don''t like to stereotype Japanese culture but there are certain rules (unspoken ones) that are followed and following the unspoken rules of conduct is very important whether it is on the train, in stores or most importantly at the workplace. Unless your fiancée works in a multi-national or international company where the culture is more ''Western'' or ''American'' it would not be acceptable for her to wear her ring at work. Don''t ask me why, perhaps it is considered flashy (if she deals wtih customers, discretion is very important). Go to a department store and look around you will not see one lady wearing flashy jewellery nor an engagement diamond. You might see a plain wedding band. She could, as you in my opinion arrogantly state, conform to your views on this and you could make her feel so guilty and ask her to wear it, but then she would be doing something out of the norm for Japanese society. She would stand out from her colleagues. Her colleagues whether out of jealousy or feeling that she is ''acting Western just because she has an american fiancé'' may insult her, bully her. Please do not think I am exaggerating. Bullying is very much part of the workplace there, small jabs, little insults that may ruin her workplace relationships. I truly believe that you would not want that for her, I am sure she is touched and very happy about the time and effort you put into choosing a very special ring for her but she is the one that knows the culture, she is the one that can identify any potential consequences of wearing that ring at work. If she has explained to you that she cannot wear it at work, rather than take it that she does not appreciate your gesture or deem it ''unacceptable'' I think you should be understanding for her sake. She might already get slack at work for having a non-Japanese boyfriend, she might be trying very hard to continue to fit in with her colleagues, there might be other things that has nothing to do with her not appreciating your engagement ring.

I am not sure how feasible wearing the ring as a necklace would be either, unless she keeps it tucked under her shirt/blouse. A ring on a necklace would also be frowned upon at the workplace.

I just want to say again that this is if her workplace is a traditonal japanese company with a japanese clientele and you said she was working with suits, thus her clientele would be traditional conservative businessmen? who would be quick to notice any deviation from the norm. I hope you two can work it out.

 

[diamondfan]

I think you are hurt and while I can understand you might just blanketly want her to wear the ring, there are circumstances preventing this. There are people who get engaged with no ring, there are even married people who never really had the money for a diamond and just have a plain band. You cannot think they are any less engaged or married. Of course the ring is a symbol and you put in a lot of work, but I think you are focusing in on something and seeing in a certain light. Does she love you and the ring? If so, this is and exercise in silliness. I must say you have come across as very dictatorial, and frankly, that is more a worry to me than the when she wears the ring. If she has clearly expressed to you WHY and shows that otherwise she wants to have it on, I think you need to let it go. You can win a battle and still lose the war. I would not be coming down on her over this. And it really may not be up to you to just pay for a damaged suit, honestly, she has to do her job well and damaged suits are a time issue as well as a monetary issue, and she cannot just act like, hey, my fiance will be paying for it so who cares? NOT a good attitude and not one you should be offering up as a solution just so you can get her to wear it. Also, the concern about her hands is so critical, a ring can get caught in something and take a finger with it. I cannot imagine she is just being casual about her ring, and if this is the norm in her situation, well, aside from the safety factors, I think you have to try to be a bit more understanding and less like a hurt little boy. It was lovely that you spent some much time and put forth so much effort. BUT, she is not opting to leave it off because she does not like it or appreciate your gift. If you reframed it that way, maybe you would worry less about forcing her to comply with your views.

 

[MaryAlaina]

Date: 8/11/2007 12:52:02 AM
Author:WorkingHardforSmallRewards
it is just sitting in some locker for 13 hours a day.

Forgetting all the other stuff, I just wanted to comment on this. I would be worried about the ring being left in a locker (presumably at her work). If she isn''t going to wear it at work, I would think it would be safer to at least leave it at home.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 8/11/2007 11:17:59 AM
Author: Mytwocents
Hi I''m normally more of a lurker but reading this post I felt that I had to reply to you. I am Japanese, lived in the States for more than 20 years now but go back to Japan often and have family and friends there. I work in a Japanese company as well and even here in the US, the japanese ladies don''t wear their full engagement and wedding ring set.

Receiving an engagement ring is customary yes, even for those over 40/50 years old, however it is not worn at work. Ever. They may be worn at parties or going out shopping on weekends which your fiancé seems to be doing. You seem to simplify the issue and say I expect her to wear it and it is unacceptable and that is all there is to it...I don''t think it is that simple and straightforward. Forgive me but your post makes me wonder how well you know Japanese culture and how you view your fiancée.

I don''t like to stereotype Japanese culture but there are certain rules (unspoken ones) that are followed and following the unspoken rules of conduct is very important whether it is on the train, in stores or most importantly at the workplace. Unless your fiancée works in a multi-national or international company where the culture is more ''Western'' or ''American'' it would not be acceptable for her to wear her ring at work. Don''t ask me why, perhaps it is considered flashy (if she deals wtih customers, discretion is very important). Go to a department store and look around you will not see one lady wearing flashy jewellery nor an engagement diamond. You might see a plain wedding band. She could, as you in my opinion arrogantly state, conform to your views on this and you could make her feel so guilty and ask her to wear it, but then she would be doing something out of the norm for Japanese society. She would stand out from her colleagues. Her colleagues whether out of jealousy or feeling that she is ''acting Western just because she has an american fiancé'' may insult her, bully her. Please do not think I am exaggerating. Bullying is very much part of the workplace there, small jabs, little insults that may ruin her workplace relationships. I truly believe that you would not want that for her, I am sure she is touched and very happy about the time and effort you put into choosing a very special ring for her but she is the one that knows the culture, she is the one that can identify any potential consequences of wearing that ring at work. If she has explained to you that she cannot wear it at work, rather than take it that she does not appreciate your gesture or deem it ''unacceptable'' I think you should be understanding for her sake. She might already get slack at work for having a non-Japanese boyfriend, she might be trying very hard to continue to fit in with her colleagues, there might be other things that has nothing to do with her not appreciating your engagement ring.

I am not sure how feasible wearing the ring as a necklace would be either, unless she keeps it tucked under her shirt/blouse. A ring on a necklace would also be frowned upon at the workplace.

I just want to say again that this is if her workplace is a traditonal japanese company with a japanese clientele and you said she was working with suits, thus her clientele would be traditional conservative businessmen? who would be quick to notice any deviation from the norm. I hope you two can work it out.

Wonderful post and exactly what I was meaning when I said he needs to respect her culture. Even here there are rules about not wearing jewelry in manufacturing environments. My husband is in management, but he does not wear his wedding ring to work because he sometimes has to go in the plant. It has never once occurred to me to insist otherwise.

I agree with all those who have suggested that you might need to reflect on putting HER needs before yours. I don''t see how any marriage lasts unless both parties are willing to yield to the other at times. This is her ring in her country, and she needs to be able to wear the ring when it is the custom to do so. When she comes here, perhaps she will not have a job where the ring might be damaged. Fabric does damage rings, so I wouldn''t want to wear mine in that work environment even if there wasn''t a custom against it. I hope you can let this go and respect her needs in this situation.

 

[elle_chris]

"and If you think I am in the wrong then feel free to share it, but I am afraid I wont be taking your advice"

Then why bother posting, to get others to agree?

I won''t post what I really think because it won''t come off as eloquently or nice as others. Bottom line though is, I believe in this situation you need to get over it and put her feelings/customs ahead of yours.

Also, you ARE 100% wrong.