Living as house guest in bad situation

[MichelleCarmen]

Hi everyone,

Need advice here. A series of events has led to my kids and I living with my inlaws until dh comes back from out of state work. The deal is my MIL has always been very bright and chipper to me. She had made occasional remarks before and does talk badly about everyone, so I knew/know she talks bad about me too. The thing is, we moved in and she would sometimes say stuff under her breath. The other day, I became annoyed and defended myself. That led to her calling me numerous names and that to put the pieces together that she absolutly hates me. Venonously.

Back tracking a bit. . .She had come into my room one day while I was in there and said we should hang up the kids' artwork and said that glancing at a spot where I had but then took the pictures down. The thought crossed my mind that she was coming in when I was gone so I put a piece of paper in the corner of the door jam and made sure it wouldn't move and then later came back and the slip had fallen out of the door so I knew it had been opened.

Okay fast forward to the fight. During that I said I knew she was coming in and she *almost* smiled and then went on to another topic but we again broached that and she said this is her house and she can go anywhere in it. She then went on to tell me she wouldn't though because I'm not interesting enough to her. That I am a "nothing to her,". . .exact words! on and on. I was not upset at that point, just a bit shocked she could be so fake nice to me yet hate me so much. Because I didn't react in a hurt way, she went on to add that I have a steely demonour.

Sooo... she also made it clear she's felt this way a long time now. Question is, I am not sure if I should be helping around the house or since she feels this is HER house, I should just avoid anything that would involve touching her stuff. Would she see me helping as subtly saying her house needs some cleaning or as helpful to her?

Thoughts? With a person who feels they have all authority, do you clean or just stick to self? I do all the cooking/cleaning for my kids, of course. . .

Thanks!

 

[fieryred33143]

MC, I was in a different but same situation. My MIL does not feel that way about me but I did live with her for about 7 months and she did not like that I helped her around the house. If I tried to wash dishes she would immediately stop me. If I tried to do laundry or anything else, it was the same end result.

So I just made sure to keep my things tidy. The room where I slept was always neat, with all of the clothes put away. If I used a dish, I washed it right away.

Also, I would offer to help her when I would see her doing things but I did it in the form of wanting to "learn." So if she was cooking, I'd hang out near her to learn what she was cooking and as she dirtied a dish, I would wash it or I'd throw out garbage.

Because your MIL is treating you this way, I would just make sure to keep your things (and the boys stuff) tidy. You can try to help her out but if she says anything about it, just stop.

As for her coming in the room--I'm kind of torn on it. When I lived with them, I always left the door open even when I was in the room because it IS their home and they were doing me a favor. But MIL never went in to the room and would close the door when I was there so that I could get privacy so I'm not sure how I would have reacted if she would sneak in there when I wasn't around.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Thanks Fiery. . .the "learning" part is exactly what was happening at first. She would tell me how she likes to do things and it was flat out a statement that I should be doing things the same way. The only change I did to the routine was turn on the dishwasher when it's full rather than wait until they did it at night.

ETA - just wanted to say she always keeps her bedroom door closed and so I if I'm doing no different than her.

 

[ts44]

What does your husband think of this behavior?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

DH just said to "roll with it." It wasn't until the huge blowout when I discovered that my MIL absolutely hates me that I asked him if he knew about her feelings and he said yes. I wish he had warned me! All he kept saying is avoid confrontation.

He's working long hours so half our communication is by text, which is a bit challenging, but still after this he said he wasn't surprised and the next day texted saying he took back that comment and said he was surprised.

Basically he said to just go along with her because we'll be moving out soon enough. He again emphasized avoiding confrontation.

 

[fieryred33143]

If that was your husband's reaction then I would just keep your family's things tidy, clean up after yourself, and avoid confrontation. Normally it would be better to confront the situation but if this is the only place you and the boys can live in until you move out, then I would put up with it and perhaps set a reminder to discuss these things with her once you have moved out and are not as stressed with everything.

 

[janinegirly]

If that was your husband's reaction then I would just keep your family's things tidy, clean up after yourself, and avoid confrontation. Normally it would be better to confront the situation but if this is the only place you and the boys can live in until you move out, then I would put up with it and perhaps set a reminder to discuss these things with her once you have moved out and are not as stressed with everything.

I agree with this. The bottom line is you are in her house and it sounds like she is being generous by opening up her house to you and the boys for an extended period. I would act just as you would as a guest in anyone's home,etc. Then maybe address underlying issues later when you have moved out. It is possible she is more short tempered than usual due to her not being accostomed to having a full house...which is understandable. Of course I'm only basing my opinion on what you've shared..not sure if there is more to the story.

 

[Haven]

If that was your husband's reaction then I would just keep your family's things tidy, clean up after yourself, and avoid confrontation. Normally it would be better to confront the situation but if this is the only place you and the boys can live in until you move out, then I would put up with it and perhaps set a reminder to discuss these things with her once you have moved out and are not as stressed with everything.

I agree with this. The bottom line is you are in her house and it sounds like she is being generous by opening up her house to you and the boys for an extended period. I would act just as you would as a guest in anyone's home,etc. Then maybe address underlying issues later when you have moved out. It is possible she is more short tempered than usual due to her not being accostomed to having a full house...which is understandable. Of course I'm only basing my opinion on what you've shared..not sure if there is more to the story.

This sounds like great advice.

MC--This situation sounds pretty bad, and I'm sorry you're in it. As nasty as it sounds like she's being, you're living in her home so I would wait until you were completely independent of her to say anything. I'm sure it will be very tough, but nothing good can come of getting into another row with her when you're living under her roof.

Some people are just unhappy, and I imagine her ideas about you have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her own issues.

 

[Indylady]

Drats MC. I'm sorry. This reminds me of an aunt I lived with a few summers ago. She's always been really nice to me, which is why I went to spend the summer at her home anyway. Once I arrived though, she'd do weird, passive agressive things, like stashing away the fruits I liked to eat under her bed. I couldn't buy more, cause that would be rude since she did the shopping and since there was so much fruit, but I couldn't eat it either cause then I'd have to steal it from under her bed. I ended up buying my own, and then ended up getting in trouble anyway because I was supposed to let her know if I wanted something from the grocery store and not get it myself. Terribly awkward situation. I think you may be "damned if you do, damned if you don't" and that her reaction towards your actions may be more dependent on her personal issues or mood than whatever it is you actually do around the house.

 

[vespergirl]

Drats MC. I'm sorry. This reminds me of an aunt I lived with a few summers ago. She's always been really nice to me, which is why I went to spend the summer at her home anyway. Once I arrived though, she'd do weird, passive agressive things, like stashing away the fruits I liked to eat under her bed. I couldn't buy more, cause that would be rude since she did the shopping and since there was so much fruit, but I couldn't eat it either cause then I'd have to steal it from under her bed. I ended up buying my own, and then ended up getting in trouble anyway because I was supposed to let her know if I wanted something from the grocery store and not get it myself. Terribly awkward situation. I think you may be "damned if you do, damned if you don't" and that her reaction towards your actions may be more dependent on her personal issues or mood than whatever it is you actually do around the house.

Wow, I just had to comment on how weird that fruit situation was. Not on your end, Indy, but your aunt's. It's just strange the things that people get worked up about.

MC, what an awful situation. My first MIL HATED me, so I can understand your relationship, but I never had to live with her, so it must be excruciating for you. I do agree that because it's her house you should just take care of your little family's stuff, and stay out of her way otherwise. The less that you talk to her the happier everyone will be, probably. I hope that you can get out of there soon!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

[/quote]
This sounds like great advice.

MC--This situation sounds pretty bad, and I'm sorry you're in it. As nasty as it sounds like she's being, you're living in her home so I would wait until you were completely independent of her to say anything. I'm sure it will be very tough, but nothing good can come of getting into another row with her when you're living under her roof.

Some people are just unhappy, and I imagine her ideas about you have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her own issues.[/quote]

Yeah, a lot of us have issues that make us unhappy . . .in the situation, I kind of felt like she was lumping into a ball all the things she hates about everyone and tossing that into my face. Sigh!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Thanks, Janinegirly. There is a lot more to the story. . .but, if I typed it all, PS probably would crash. lol

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

I think the advice the other ladies have given is good in this case. Hugs to you lady! What an evil woman!

I will also add that your husband deserves a little pat on the back here. If your MIL truly hates you (obviously crazy mommy-son issues there since you do not seem worthy of hate at all from what I can tell) and your husband knew, but you had no idea, then he has been a good husband and kept it from you! Too many husbands seem to bleat all their mothers' criticisms to their wives immesiately, when it is their job to keep the peace by NOT passing on every little hurtful thing! So it seems like you husband is going the right thing there.

 

[Haven]

This sounds like great advice.

MC--This situation sounds pretty bad, and I'm sorry you're in it. As nasty as it sounds like she's being, you're living in her home so I would wait until you were completely independent of her to say anything. I'm sure it will be very tough, but nothing good can come of getting into another row with her when you're living under her roof.

Some people are just unhappy, and I imagine her ideas about you have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her own issues.[/quote]
Yeah, a lot of us have issues that make us unhappy . . .in the situation, I kind of felt like she was lumping into a ball all the things she hates about everyone and tossing that into my face. Sigh![/quote]
That really is unfair, MC. You don't deserve it at all, and I'm so sorry you have to live in that situation. You're so sweet, I can't imagine anyone being mean to you.
Kudos to you for being able to keep your cool. And for sticking it out while your DH is out of state. You are a better woman than I, I can tell you that much.

 

[diva rose]

MC ~ I am sorry to hear about your MIL - she sounds like a horror.
Sure you don't like someone but no need to be so cruel about it and become a monster.

Some MIL are just mean for no reason. Jealousy and dissatisfaction of their own lives - I have no idea but even when there is no fuel for the hate, they go hating.

I really hope you can get out of that house as soon as possible.
All the best!

 

[Ryan Claire]

I must be in the minority here but I don't know how you did not lose it! I imagine you have NOWHERE else to go, which is why you bit your tongue. Just because you live with her right now (which is generous of her - don't get me wrong) she has no right to berate and be cruel to you. I just feel like it's a power differential thing... she has all the power right now because you are indebted to her and she knows it. (Sounds like the same scenario that is played out in abusive husband/wife relationships all the time)

You are not "interesting" to her... you are "nothing" to her??? You are her son's wife and grandkids' mother!!! How could she even say those things and expect you just to take them?

If I had anywhere else to live I would be out of there. And I would be POed at DH for not giving me and heads up... No offense, and I am sure he had his reasons, but he pretty much sent you into the lions den. (I agree DH should keep their mother's benign critics of their wife's cooking or clothes or house or whatever to themselves to keep the peace... but if my MIL had venomous feelings toward me I would want to know that - especially before I moved in with her for months!)

I guess if I had to stay, I would be tidy and detached - especially for the sake of the kids. But that would take a lot of will power.

What kind of relationship do you see having with her when you are finally out from under her roof?

I am so sorry you are living like this... good luck.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for all your replies and support. Yesterday I tried typing responses but my kids kept sneaking up and trying to read my posts. lol My computer is in my room and so is our TV so, as you can imagine, it's a cozy quarter of space!

About loosing it. . .I've done so twice now. The episode mentioned above was the second.

We also have food issues. Like her buying a lot but then giving me dirty looks when we'd eat any of it, so I made sure to buy all our own food, but then she still buys us stuff and brings up how she is feeding us even I made it clear that I was taking care of this myself. Sigh!

Anyway. . .she is acting like nothing happened. Basically putting on her chipper face. Talk about confusing to me. I'm watching every word I say. Literally talking about 1/3 of the pace normally spoken just to be sure I don't say anything that can be held against me. So, that will be the relationship we'll have forever, I guess.

Oh, and the worst part is I DO have other places to go. My aunt has a house she rented through the summer but moved out and she said I could stay there till DH got back. . .but, if I did move over there, THAT would be held against me. It's really neurotic. Having someone resentful of me for being here, but even more so if I DON'T live here.

All the horrible things she said keep flooding back through my head. . .I won't ever forget. Traumatic Stress Disorder now!!!

Can't wait till my DH gets home!

 

[zoebartlett]

If that was your husband's reaction then I would just keep your family's things tidy, clean up after yourself, and avoid confrontation. Normally it would be better to confront the situation but if this is the only place you and the boys can live in until you move out, then I would put up with it and perhaps set a reminder to discuss these things with her once you have moved out and are not as stressed with everything.

I agree with this. The bottom line is you are in her house and it sounds like she is being generous by opening up her house to you and the boys for an extended period. I would act just as you would as a guest in anyone's home,etc. Then maybe address underlying issues later when you have moved out. It is possible she is more short tempered than usual due to her not being accostomed to having a full house...which is understandable. Of course I'm only basing my opinion on what you've shared..not sure if there is more to the story.

I like Fiery's and Janine's advice. This is what I would do if I was in your situation.

Just curious, but are you still living on the island? I ask because you've mentioned how remote it is. Is it close or far from things to do? I was going to suggest taking the boys out often, to keep your sanity and to give your MIL her house for a while (I guess a break for you both). From what you've said, it doesn't sound like you're being intrusive or anything, but sometimes people can just be picky about things in their home. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope things get better soon.

 

[Indylady]

Drats MC. I'm sorry. This reminds me of an aunt I lived with a few summers ago. She's always been really nice to me, which is why I went to spend the summer at her home anyway. Once I arrived though, she'd do weird, passive agressive things, like stashing away the fruits I liked to eat under her bed. I couldn't buy more, cause that would be rude since she did the shopping and since there was so much fruit, but I couldn't eat it either cause then I'd have to steal it from under her bed. I ended up buying my own, and then ended up getting in trouble anyway because I was supposed to let her know if I wanted something from the grocery store and not get it myself. Terribly awkward situation. I think you may be "damned if you do, damned if you don't" and that her reaction towards your actions may be more dependent on her personal issues or mood than whatever it is you actually do around the house.

Wow, I just had to comment on how weird that fruit situation was. Not on your end, Indy, but your aunt's. It's just strange the things that people get worked up about.

MC, what an awful situation. My first MIL HATED me, so I can understand your relationship, but I never had to live with her, so it must be excruciating for you. I do agree that because it's her house you should just take care of your little family's stuff, and stay out of her way otherwise. The less that you talk to her the happier everyone will be, probably. I hope that you can get out of there soon!

At one point, my aunt had hidden over 2 dozen coconuts under her bed. After the fruit disappeared, I didn't really know what that happened for a while. I didn't even realize the fruits were hidden until I was vacuuming one day and lifted up her bedskirt to get the vacuum cleaner close to the bed. Imagine my surprise when I discovered a baskets and baskets of fruit hidden underneath. Definitely one of the weirdest things that has happened to me.

 

[dcgator]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for all your replies and support. Yesterday I tried typing responses but my kids kept sneaking up and trying to read my posts. lol My computer is in my room and so is our TV so, as you can imagine, it's a cozy quarter of space!

About loosing it. . .I've done so twice now. The episode mentioned above was the second.

We also have food issues. Like her buying a lot but then giving me dirty looks when we'd eat any of it, so I made sure to buy all our own food, but then she still buys us stuff and brings up how she is feeding us even I made it clear that I was taking care of this myself. Sigh!

Anyway. . .she is acting like nothing happened. Basically putting on her chipper face. Talk about confusing to me. I'm watching every word I say. Literally talking about 1/3 of the pace normally spoken just to be sure I don't say anything that can be held against me. So, that will be the relationship we'll have forever, I guess.

Oh, and the worst part is I DO have other places to go. My aunt has a house she rented through the summer but moved out and she said I could stay there till DH got back. . .but, if I did move over there, THAT would be held against me. It's really neurotic. Having someone resentful of me for being here, but even more so if I DON'T live here.

All the horrible things she said keep flooding back through my head. . .I won't ever forget. Traumatic Stress Disorder now!!!

Can't wait till my DH gets home!

MC - First off, what a MISERABLE situation, and what an awful MIL (and person) she is being. I realize that she is "sacrficing" her personal space and allowing you to stay there, but that does not give her the right to treat you like crap. I also agree with Ryan Claire that your DH should have given you the head's up. Sending you in there knowing how she feels about you is wrong (IMHO) and equates to him just burying his head in the sand and hoping that it didn't come up (which is was totally bound to).

In any case, I would be moving tomorrow if I were you. You know your MIL is going to make everything you do into something bad, so why not just move somewhere you are comfortable and deal with her issues from afar. Besides, you could always approach it as, "You have been so very kind etc, letting me stay here, and I feel bad for burdening you by being here, so in order to make things easier for you, I am going to take the boys to my aunt's house. Thank you soooo much for everything that you have done, blah blah blah...

Just my 2 cents... Either way, good luck with the situation and hang in there!

 

[missy]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for all your replies and support. Yesterday I tried typing responses but my kids kept sneaking up and trying to read my posts. lol My computer is in my room and so is our TV so, as you can imagine, it's a cozy quarter of space!

About loosing it. . .I've done so twice now. The episode mentioned above was the second.

We also have food issues. Like her buying a lot but then giving me dirty looks when we'd eat any of it, so I made sure to buy all our own food, but then she still buys us stuff and brings up how she is feeding us even I made it clear that I was taking care of this myself. Sigh!

Anyway. . .she is acting like nothing happened. Basically putting on her chipper face. Talk about confusing to me. I'm watching every word I say. Literally talking about 1/3 of the pace normally spoken just to be sure I don't say anything that can be held against me. So, that will be the relationship we'll have forever, I guess.

Oh, and the worst part is I DO have other places to go. My aunt has a house she rented through the summer but moved out and she said I could stay there till DH got back. . .but, if I did move over there, THAT would be held against me. It's really neurotic. Having someone resentful of me for being here, but even more so if I DON'T live here.

All the horrible things she said keep flooding back through my head. . .I won't ever forget. Traumatic Stress Disorder now!!!

Can't wait till my DH gets home!

Wow MC,
I am so sorry you are living like this. There is no way in hell that I would stay in that kind of situation if I had another option and since you do I cannot understand why you are not leaving. First of all, how could your kids not have any clue what is going on? And even if not, you deserve more than this. WTF is going on with your psycho MIL? And I would be pissed at DH for *not* giving me a heads up and letting me walk into the lion's den so to speak. But in any case, you deserve to be treated better than this. For sure your MIL is behaving abusively and by putting up with this and grinning and bearing it you are just allowing her to continue treating you badly. Who cares what she thinks if you leave and go to your Aunt's house. Maybe she will actually respect you more because I can't imagine she can respect you any less.

Again I am sorry you are living in this abusive situation and I hope your dh rescues you soon. And I also hope you never ever stay with your MIL again. No matter what.

 

[iheartscience]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for all your replies and support. Yesterday I tried typing responses but my kids kept sneaking up and trying to read my posts. lol My computer is in my room and so is our TV so, as you can imagine, it's a cozy quarter of space!

About loosing it. . .I've done so twice now. The episode mentioned above was the second.

We also have food issues. Like her buying a lot but then giving me dirty looks when we'd eat any of it, so I made sure to buy all our own food, but then she still buys us stuff and brings up how she is feeding us even I made it clear that I was taking care of this myself. Sigh!

Anyway. . .she is acting like nothing happened. Basically putting on her chipper face. Talk about confusing to me. I'm watching every word I say. Literally talking about 1/3 of the pace normally spoken just to be sure I don't say anything that can be held against me. So, that will be the relationship we'll have forever, I guess.

Oh, and the worst part is I DO have other places to go. My aunt has a house she rented through the summer but moved out and she said I could stay there till DH got back. . .but, if I did move over there, THAT would be held against me. It's really neurotic. Having someone resentful of me for being here, but even more so if I DON'T live here.

All the horrible things she said keep flooding back through my head. . .I won't ever forget. Traumatic Stress Disorder now!!!

Can't wait till my DH gets home!

Wow MC,
I am so sorry you are living like this. There is no way in hell that I would stay in that kind of situation if I had another option and since you do I cannot understand why you are not leaving. First of all, how could your kids not have any clue what is going on? And even if not, you deserve more than this. WTF is going on with your psycho MIL? And I would be pissed at DH for *not* giving me a heads up and letting me walk into the lion's den so to speak. But in any case, you deserve to be treated better than this. For sure your MIL is behaving abusively and by putting up with this and grinning and bearing it you are just allowing her to continue treating you badly. Who cares what she thinks if you leave and go to your Aunt's house. Maybe she will actually respect you more because I can't imagine she can respect you any less.

Again I am sorry you are living in this abusive situation and I hope your dh rescues you soon. And I also hope you never ever stay with your MIL again. No matter what.

Ditto. I would be out of there so fast her head would spin. It's time to stop being a doormat and GET OUT OF THERE. The constant stress is probably seriously bad for your health.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

If that was your husband's reaction then I would just keep your family's things tidy, clean up after yourself, and avoid confrontation. Normally it would be better to confront the situation but if this is the only place you and the boys can live in until you move out, then I would put up with it and perhaps set a reminder to discuss these things with her once you have moved out and are not as stressed with everything.

I agree with this. The bottom line is you are in her house and it sounds like she is being generous by opening up her house to you and the boys for an extended period. I would act just as you would as a guest in anyone's home,etc. Then maybe address underlying issues later when you have moved out. It is possible she is more short tempered than usual due to her not being accostomed to having a full house...which is understandable. Of course I'm only basing my opinion on what you've shared..not sure if there is more to the story.

I like Fiery's and Janine's advice. This is what I would do if I was in your situation.

Just curious, but are you still living on the island? I ask because you've mentioned how remote it is. Is it close or far from things to do? I was going to suggest taking the boys out often, to keep your sanity and to give your MIL her house for a while (I guess a break for you both). From what you've said, it doesn't sound like you're being intrusive or anything, but sometimes people can just be picky about things in their home. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope things get better soon.

Yes, we're still on the island and we have no friends over here. To take the boys to the mainland where our friends are costs $20 a trip. Expensive playdates! I'm in the process of scheduling a group playdate next week. There is nothing here. Literally nothing. Just the beach and a park.

She did something really odd to me this morning. Now that she's back all nice, she told me she was going to weigh herself and then did and said she weighs more than she's ever have. Then she asked me to go in and weigh myself to see how accurate her scale is. Isn't that a bit strange? I was stuck in the position of telling her she does or doesn't weigh what the scale says. . .

 

[zoebartlett]

Indy -- what a strange story! I've never heard of anyone hiding FRUIT before. How random.

MC -- It's too bad that you're so isolated from friends and things to on the mainland. It's good that you're planning a play date next week. At least it will be something to look forward to, right? Can you and your friends alternate and plan something at each other's housse (or in your case, maybe your area -- the park)?

This might be passive aggressive, but I'm not really a confrontational person. Would you feel comfortable writing a note to your MIL, telling her how awkward it is to know how she feels about you, especially while you're living in her house? I like the suggestion of speaking about it after you've moved out of there, but maybe hashing some of it out now can help make the time more bearable. I don't know what else to suggest, but I hope things improve.

 

[cara]

I think the advice the other ladies have given is good in this case. Hugs to you lady! What an evil woman!

I will also add that your husband deserves a little pat on the back here. If your MIL truly hates you (obviously crazy mommy-son issues there since you do not seem worthy of hate at all from what I can tell) and your husband knew, but you had no idea, then he has been a good husband and kept it from you! Too many husbands seem to bleat all their mothers' criticisms to their wives immesiately, when it is their job to keep the peace by NOT passing on every little hurtful thing! So it seems like you husband is going the right thing there.

In another situation I might agree with you, Dreamer. But in this situation, with MC moving in with her in-laws unaware of how her MIL feels, it seems a lot more like setting a trap for someone rather than protecting them. Especially as MC feels there were other places she could have gone to stay with the kids. That her husband is not *appalled* that his wife is living with someone who openly says she hates her is a problem. Now if living with the MIL were the best of all options available to MC and her kids, and MC went into the situation with her eyes open, knowing that it would be a challenging living situation and her MIL both viciously didn't like her and was potentially rude enough to come out and say it, that would be different. That would be a married couple making the best of bad options. But in this instance I personally would feel a bit betrayed, if my husband had an inkling of what he was setting me up for and didn't let me know ahead of time.

MC, if you have somewhere else reasonable to go I would leave promptly. Who cares if it would be held against you - this woman said you, her daughter-in-law, mother of her grandchildren, is 'nothing to her'. She has called you venomous names and said she hates you, she is holding it against you that she is providing food and lodging - why NOT get out of that situation as quickly as possible? If you don't have anywhere else reasonable to go, or the situation is good for your kids but hard for you and you want to last it out, then I agree with the others. Take care of your own mess and stuff but otherwise stay out of MIL's way. Good luck, what a horrible situation!

 

[iota15]

You know - she's going to hold the fact you're staying with her AND eating her food FOR AS LONG AS YOU BOTH SHALL LIVE anyway.

You're not comfortable. She doesn't want you there, despite her chipperness. You might as well make yourself comfortable elsewhere if you can... because no matter what you do, you're going to get flack for it eventually and for a long time.

So your choices are - 1) get life-long flack and suffer at MIL's place; or 2) get life-long flack and be comfortable elsewhere. I'd choose option 2... but be really, reaallly nice to her about moving out.

 

[dreamer_dachsie]

Cara Yeah, I guess you are right about this. I take it back!

FWIW I suspect that your MIL is just insecure about YOUR affection and love for her and that is why she is lashing out at this point. UNless she is crazy (is she?) hating you seems a tad extreme without provocation. It makes MUCH more sense from a psychological perspective if we assume that she is an insecure woman, and when people are insecure and they worry about the love or regard another may have for them, they often behave in a hostile manner towards that person. Counterintuitive, but true, and one of the great horrible outcomes of relational insecurity. It explains her contradictory behaviour too. If she truly and really hated you, she would not care what you said or did. The fact that she DOES care what you say and do makes it much more likely she does care about you but is hurt by her perception that you do not love and care for her. It is evident also in her comment that you are "cold" or unfeeling. Confident haters don't respond that way to perceived slights. Insecure babies do

If you are feeling like the bigger person and care at all about mending this relationship, if you can muster the confidence to not give a hoot about what she might think about YOU, you can turn this around. Genuinely make an effort to care about her and show her your regard. Be warm and friendly. Genuinely. If you can perhaps feel sorry for her instead of reacting defensively to her vitriole, she might respond with more enthusiasm to your regard than you can possible imagine. It means you have to put your big girl panties on though and suck up your own anger and hurt feelings. You have to stop analyzing all her behaviour for signs of her hatred or liking -- she is doing the same thing to you, you know . It is hard, but it will work, provided she is not crazy. Only you can decide if you care about mending things and have the strength to do it.

As to the scale thing, I have had that conversation with people before, seems normal.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Cara Yeah, I guess you are right about this. I take it back!

FWIW I suspect that your MIL is just insecure about YOUR affection and love for her and that is why she is lashing out at this point. UNless she is crazy (is she?) hating you seems a tad extreme without provocation. It makes MUCH more sense from a psychological perspective if we assume that she is an insecure woman, and when people are insecure and they worry about the love or regard another may have for them, they often behave in a hostile manner towards that person. Counterintuitive, but true, and one of the great horrible outcomes of relational insecurity. It explains her contradictory behaviour too. If she truly and really hated you, she would not care what you said or did. The fact that she DOES care what you say and do makes it much more likely she does care about you but is hurt by her perception that you do not love and care for her. It is evident also in her comment that you are "cold" or unfeeling. Confident haters don't respond that way to perceived slights. Insecure babies do

If you are feeling like the bigger person and care at all about mending this relationship, if you can muster the confidence to not give a hoot about what she might think about YOU, you can turn this around. Genuinely make an effort to care about her and show her your regard. Be warm and friendly. Genuinely. If you can perhaps feel sorry for her instead of reacting defensively to her vitriole, she might respond with more enthusiasm to your regard than you can possible imagine. It means you have to put your big girl panties on though and suck up your own anger and hurt feelings. You have to stop analyzing all her behaviour for signs of her hatred or liking -- she is doing the same thing to you, you know . It is hard, but it will work, provided she is not crazy. Only you can decide if you care about mending things and have the strength to do it.

As to the scale thing, I have had that conversation with people before, seems normal.

Dreamer - thanks a lot for your post. You've got me thinking here about what things I've done/said that have created the bad impression she has of me. Guess I truely do need to analyze what my past actions have done to contribute.

Thanks about the scale thing. I told my friend and she laughed her head off! lol Guess if it was under other circumstances, it'd be no big deal.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I think the advice the other ladies have given is good in this case. Hugs to you lady! What an evil woman!

I will also add that your husband deserves a little pat on the back here. If your MIL truly hates you (obviously crazy mommy-son issues there since you do not seem worthy of hate at all from what I can tell) and your husband knew, but you had no idea, then he has been a good husband and kept it from you! Too many husbands seem to bleat all their mothers' criticisms to their wives immesiately, when it is their job to keep the peace by NOT passing on every little hurtful thing! So it seems like you husband is going the right thing there.

In another situation I might agree with you, Dreamer. But in this situation, with MC moving in with her in-laws unaware of how her MIL feels, it seems a lot more like setting a trap for someone rather than protecting them. Especially as MC feels there were other places she could have gone to stay with the kids. That her husband is not *appalled* that his wife is living with someone who openly says she hates her is a problem. Now if living with the MIL were the best of all options available to MC and her kids, and MC went into the situation with her eyes open, knowing that it would be a challenging living situation and her MIL both viciously didn't like her and was potentially rude enough to come out and say it, that would be different. That would be a married couple making the best of bad options. But in this instance I personally would feel a bit betrayed, if my husband had an inkling of what he was setting me up for and didn't let me know ahead of time.

MC, if you have somewhere else reasonable to go I would leave promptly. Who cares if it would be held against you - this woman said you, her daughter-in-law, mother of her grandchildren, is 'nothing to her'. She has called you venomous names and said she hates you, she is holding it against you that she is providing food and lodging - why NOT get out of that situation as quickly as possible? If you don't have anywhere else reasonable to go, or the situation is good for your kids but hard for you and you want to last it out, then I agree with the others. Take care of your own mess and stuff but otherwise stay out of MIL's way. Good luck, what a horrible situation!

Yeah, I do have to "last it out" at this point. If moving out had been an option, I would have done so before reaching the point it is now. My DH was firm on two things: A) avoid confrontation, and B) after I told him I had another place to go, do not do that. If I had that choice I would have taken it. Basically, moving out would be another form of confrontation, if that makes any sense?

 

[cara]

MC, if you have somewhere else reasonable to go I would leave promptly. Who cares if it would be held against you - this woman said you, her daughter-in-law, mother of her grandchildren, is 'nothing to her'. She has called you venomous names and said she hates you, she is holding it against you that she is providing food and lodging - why NOT get out of that situation as quickly as possible? If you don't have anywhere else reasonable to go, or the situation is good for your kids but hard for you and you want to last it out, then I agree with the others. Take care of your own mess and stuff but otherwise stay out of MIL's way. Good luck, what a horrible situation!

Yeah, I do have to "last it out" at this point. If moving out had been an option, I would have done so before reaching the point it is now. My DH was firm on two things: A) avoid confrontation, and B) after I told him I had another place to go, do not do that. If I had that choice I would have taken it. Basically, moving out would be another form of confrontation, if that makes any sense?

I guess I am still somewhat confused that your DH's reaction is to avoid confrontation with his mother at all costs, not get you out of a bad living situation if there is a reasonable alternative. Why is not confronting his mother more important than you having a reasonable living environment?