Would you feel guilty if you LAPPED someone?

[lilyfoot]

Would you feel guilty if you "lapped" an acquantance? How about a close friend?

My best friend has been with her boyfriend for almost 5 years now. She is definitely a LIW. Nobody has any question as to whether her boyfriend WANTS to marry her, we all know he does, and he says it too. He''s just not making moves to make it happen any time soon ..

Me and my boyfriend haven''t even been together a full year yet, and there are definite engagement plans. We even have a diamond! I''m a very private person by nature, and hadn''t talked to my best friend about any of it. However, the other day at lunch, I spilled the beans that we had been talking about engagement. I felt that I should "warn" her it would be coming within the next few months, so she wouldn''t be caught totally off guard when it happened. She took it better than I thought she would, but I could tell (or was that my paranoia?) that it bothered her a bit. I don''t blame her at all!

I had a hard time after I left that lunch. I don''t like to hurt peoples feelings (who does?), but it''s not as if I can wait for her boyfriend to propose in order for us to get engaged!

Sorry this turned out so long, I just needed to get it off my chest

 

[Gleam]

I''m engaged, but I definitely know girls who get extremely upset when they hear someone else, who has been dating their BF for a shorter time period than they have, get engaged.

 

[sunnyd]

People need to realize that it''s not a race! You (general) should be happy for your friends as they should be happy for you. I just don''t understand why lapping people is so upsetting! I mean, I do to an extent, but again, not a race.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

i lapped a couple people but only because fi and i dated for such a short time before getting engaged. it certainly doesn''t make my relationship any more valid than theirs and vice versa, it''s just the way the cookie crumbles...

 

[dragonfly411]

You know, I''ve honestly never really gotten this whole take. I don''t know if it''s different culturally. My friends have mostly lapped me. Two in particular (who are the oddest couple ever but I won''t go off topic). I''m ecstatic for them, and I know they feel no guilt. My group is just not quite like that? So if I did... then no... I wouldn''t lol.

 

[tlh]

I know when I was waiting, it stung when other people got engaged, and I didn''t. Even people I don''t know! There does come a point when talking about getting engaged, and the future - gets old. In the beginning when I first was a LIW - it didn''t hurt at all. I didn''t see why people would get upset... but after 2+ years of "talking" I was getting pretty fed up... and unfortunately a little hostile. However, I have a pretty spunky personality, so my behaviour wasn''t really that out of line with some of my spectacles on other things. But as time progresses, you get engaged, and later married... the pain - and crazy behaviour - becomes a point where the stunts pulled are funny and make amusing stories.

But I won''t put down the pain of being lapped. The pain of being lapped has nothing to do w/ the other person who is on a different timeline and in a totally DIFFERENT relationship with a totally different person. (Otherwise there''d be an even BIGGER ISSUE AT HAND.) The pain stems from doubt in your own relationship, and the lack of a feeling of connection with the other person in YOUR relationship. The pain comes from a lot of different things... questions of love, and if he loves you... and if he loves you, why doesn''t he want to marry you - or propose already... why all the excuses? In the end, you want action... from your partner. The joy of someone else getting to be WHERE YOU WANT TO BE - it is the same pain, you feel when someone else has a baby or gets pregnant, when you''ve been trying for YEARS but cannot conceive. It is the envy/jealousy you feel when someone get to buy a house, when you''re stuck renting... the list goes on and on. Those pains are real.. and you can be happy for the friend or person who (got what ever it is that you wish for - for yourself) - but at the same time, feel a sting that you personally are not experiencing the same thing... and wonder if you ever will.

So it isn''t like the person who got lapped is upset that they deserve it more - because they''ve put more time in... but more -- WHY CAN''T THEY BE THERE ALREADY! sorry for such a long post...

 

[TooPatient]

I''d feel a bit guilty. Not because it is a bad thing, but because I don''t like to hurt people.

Being a LIW for a long time now, I''ve seen plenty of people "lap" me. Yes I''m a bit sad that I am not engaged yet. Yes I do have the occasional thought like "why does it happen for them and not me" but I am always happy for them. Excited that it happened for her.

 

[Lilac]

When I was waiting to get engaged, we had been dating for so much longer than any of our friends, and SO many of them met, got engaged, and got married to their spouses while we were still waiting to get engaged! It really did hurt, and I will admit I often broke down into tears when I heard someone else was getting engaged/married when we still couldn''t. We needed to wait for DH to graduate and start working before we could get engaged, but we BOTH wanted it so badly so it helped that I knew he wanted to get married just as much as I did.

While it stung a LOT every time it happened, and I''m sure it will sting for your friend too, you shouldn''t feel bad about it! I do think it''s very sweet of you to be so concerned about her feelings though - I had a friend who would not stop talking about her wedding the entire time she was engaged, which just made the whole thing sting even more (and I mean she literally did not ask me even ONCE how I was doing or about anything going on in my life) so I think it''s great that you''re being so thoughtful and considering her feelings. You shouldn''t have to hide this from such a close friend! I wouldn''t talk nonstop about it if I were you because I think that could really hurt her, but you definitely should not be ashamed about it or feel bad! Enjoy your time now and celebrate with her when it''s her turn (hopefully sooner rather than later!)

 

[bee*]

Every relationship has to move at it''s own pace so I wouldn''t feel guilty if we lapped someone. I''m sure if your friend really wants to get engaged it will sting a little, but you can''t put your life on hold until her bf proposes.

 

[susied]

Date: 10/16/2009 11:45:22 AM
Author: tlh
I know when I was waiting, it stung when other people got engaged, and I didn''t. Even people I don''t know! There does come a point when talking about getting engaged, and the future - gets old. In the beginning when I first was a LIW - it didn''t hurt at all. I didn''t see why people would get upset... but after 2+ years of ''talking'' I was getting pretty fed up... and unfortunately a little hostile. However, I have a pretty spunky personality, so my behaviour wasn''t really that out of line with some of my spectacles on other things. But as time progresses, you get engaged, and later married... the pain - and crazy behaviour - becomes a point where the stunts pulled are funny and make amusing stories.

But I won''t put down the pain of being lapped. The pain of being lapped has nothing to do w/ the other person who is on a different timeline and in a totally DIFFERENT relationship with a totally different person. (Otherwise there''d be an even BIGGER ISSUE AT HAND.) The pain stems from doubt in your own relationship, and the lack of a feeling of connection with the other person in YOUR relationship. The pain comes from a lot of different things... questions of love, and if he loves you... and if he loves you, why doesn''t he want to marry you - or propose already... why all the excuses? In the end, you want action... from your partner. The joy of someone else getting to be WHERE YOU WANT TO BE - it is the same pain, you feel when someone else has a baby or gets pregnant, when you''ve been trying for YEARS but cannot conceive. It is the envy/jealousy you feel when someone get to buy a house, when you''re stuck renting... the list goes on and on. Those pains are real.. and you can be happy for the friend or person who (got what ever it is that you wish for - for yourself) - but at the same time, feel a sting that you personally are not experiencing the same thing... and wonder if you ever will.

So it isn''t like the person who got lapped is upset that they deserve it more - because they''ve put more time in... but more -- WHY CAN''T THEY BE THERE ALREADY! sorry for such a long post...

Hear, hear!
I''m an unofficial (not on the list) lady in waiting - for four years! When I hear of people getting engaged, I am most certainly excited for them but still feel a twinge of hurt...about my own situation.
You are very kind for keeping your friend''s feelings in mind. I think the conversation you had a lunch is sufficient - if she still gets upset when you do get engaged, too bad for her. Enjoy this part of your life! Good luck!

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Well, if she becomes angry, the anger isn''t really about you. Given what you''ve said about the situation, it is reasonable for her to be angry at her boyfriend for not getting his act together, and also a little angry at herself for making the series of choices that led her to her current (frustrated) state.

That said, it''s possible that she''s going to look angry/frustrated/tense with your news breaking. After all, it''s a lot less scary to direct anger at the superficial situation (Her friend is engaged first!) than to confront head-on the bigger and more complex issues at home (Where is this relationship going, am I not good enough?), you know?

 

[sillyberry]

I thought this thread might be about if you should feel guilty if you sat in someone''s lap who wasn''t your significant other''s. Oops

Anyway, you should NOT feel guilty. You''re not doing anything TO her. Now, that isn''t to say she won''t be upset (although she should do her best to hide the crazy from you). My best friend "lapped" me by a lot, and it hurt. Not because she was getting engaged and married, per se, but because it made me crazy to see two people so certain about each other and their future together when I was still wondering if my boyfriend was truly committed to me. If anything, my poor boyfriend suffered the most throughout the ordeal.

So be happy, celebrate your engagement, share your joy, just try not to say things like "I can''t believe how perfectly we came together!" or constantly mention how crazy it is that it has all happened so fast.

 

[lilyfoot]

Gleam, sunnyd, Smurfyimproved, dragonfly411, tlh, TooPatient, Lilac, bee*, susied, fleur-de-lis & sillyberry, thank you so much! You ladies have definitely made me feel better about the situation!

I have to give my friend credit for how well she handled the news at that lunch. She wasn''t overly-joyous (that would''ve been fake), but she did not say anything negative at all. She even asked if she was going to be my MOH

But I can''t help thinking that it hurt her feelings, because it''s something she wants.

I am definitely NOT the type to talk alot about myself, brag or be "show-offy", so I know things will be ok in that aspect.

Thank you ladies

 

[Laila619]

No, not at all. There will always be something in life that someone achieves before you, and vice versa. It's not a competition. My DH and I lapped quite a few of our friends, and it was no big deal. I did have a co-worker who was dating her boyfriend for a long time turn to another girl and say, "She beat us!" when I announced I was engaged. But she said it jokingly so I didn't feel bad.

DH has a lame friend who has been dating his girlfriend FOREVER. My DH and I met, fell in love, got engaged, and got married all in the span that they have been dating, and they are STILL not engaged. I do think she is a bit upset about it. But her boyfriend is the sort of guy who will never settle down.

 

[miraclesrule]

I soooo thought this thread was about giving someone a lap dance. Duh!

 

[tlh]

Date: 10/16/2009 1:36:23 PM
Author: lilyfoot
Gleam, sunnyd, Smurfyimproved, dragonfly411, tlh, TooPatient, Lilac, bee*, susied, fleur-de-lis & sillyberry, thank you so much! You ladies have definitely made me feel better about the situation!

I have to give my friend credit for how well she handled the news at that lunch. She wasn''t overly-joyous (that would''ve been fake), but she did not say anything negative at all. She even asked if she was going to be my MOH

But I can''t help thinking that it hurt her feelings, because it''s something she wants.

I am definitely NOT the type to talk alot about myself, brag or be ''show-offy'', so I know things will be ok in that aspect.

Thank you ladies

lilyfoot, your friend really IS happy for you. The person who''s going to have to deal with her - WHEN WILL IT BE OUR TURN??!!!??? - will be her parner. Enjoy your LIW time, and proposal... and the entire event. Don''t let anyone cloud out your sunshine. You are a terrific friend to care and be sensitive to her feelings, but this time is important to you and your partner. She''ll be happy for you. If she isn''t overly enthusiastic, just don''t take it the wrong way... it has nothing to do w/ you.

 

[vc10um]

I just wanted to second pretty much everything that''s been said. Everyone is on their own timeline, so although she may breifly feel unhappy about her own situation, she will still be genuinely happy for you, and therefore you shouldn''t feel guilty!

Congratulations on your impending engagement...can''t wait to hear about it and see the riiiiiing!

 

[Lozza]

I don''t think you should feel guilty, although it''s very sweet of you to be considerate of her feelings.

However, I have definitely been lapped several times and it really does hurt. In one group of friends, we were the first to meet and are the only ones now not engaged or married. She may feel that you won''t be as excited about her engagement when it comes, because you''ve already been there/done that.

There''s not much you can do to make it easier, but make sure when her time comes you are visibly excited for her.

 

[vip0802]

Date: 10/16/2009 2:58:40 PM
Author: miraclesrule
I soooo thought this thread was about giving someone a lap dance. Duh!

LOL!

lilyfoot - i think it''s totally wonderful how you''re so concerned about your friend and her feelings! i''m kind of in the same boat where my best friend hasn''t seriously dated anyone in 6 years, and then i sometimes go to her with my bouts of LIW-itis.

i do feel guilty about it at times, but we''re both totally supportive of each other. i''m sure you and your girlfriend are the same way! like sunnyd mentioned, it''s not a race and every couple has their own timeline and circumstances. what might work for one couple might not for another you know?

i hope this doesn''t distract you from being enjoying being a LIW though! congrats on your diamond and major *DUST* you way!

 

[allycat0303]

I feel bad when other people Lap me in terms of where they are in their life. For example, girls that I never thought would be mothers, and now are. But I have yet to have any maternal drive. With relationships, I think it is way beyond your control. I think a lot of being engaged is not only meeting the right person, but of both people being in the same place in their lives. It''s a hard combination to get right. And not necessarily all people which are engaged are as happy with their SO as the non-engaged couple.

 

[CNOS128]

I lapped the person who introduced me to my husband. At one time we were close friends.

I knew how much she would be bothered by it, so I wondered how she would react and expected some sort of negative response. But I never felt guilty - it''s not as if I kept her from getting engaged/married when she wanted to (she took care of that all by herself).

As it turns out, she all but stopped speaking to me after I got engaged. But, I also realized that I don''t really enjoy spending time with her, so perhaps it was for the best. And as it turns out, she''s alienated most of her married and engaged friends in much the same way she alienated me, so that helps me not to feel as bad about it.

It makes me feel sad more than anything else.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 10/16/2009 2:58:40 PM
Author: miraclesrule
I soooo thought this thread was about giving someone a lap dance. Duh!

@ Miracle, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

To the thread...

I never felt bad getting ''lapped''. FI and I started dating when we were really young (20/21) so I never wanted to marry before 27/28 anyway. Our pace worked perfect for us, and I didn''t even feel very frustrated until the last 6 mos or so...

(only because I knew he had the ring, and how can you have one and not be DYING to propose, right? lol) Anyway, I was always THRILLED for my friends, and honestly, if I couldn''t be happy for my friends because I was so caught up in my own situtation, then it would have been a big sign to me that we needed to talk over some things as a couple. When I got engaged, I was 26, thrilled and all of my friends and family were thrilled for us... but I don''t think I lapped anyone... we we a few months shy of our 6th anni!

We plan to get married on our 7th anni, which FI is happy about, because it is lucky #7! (and he doesn''t have to remember a new anni date! lol) Honestly, it''s tough being a LIW, but it''s so wonderful being a BIW and then a wife (I hope), that the anxiety about it all seems pretty comical later...

 

[MrsHToBe]

I''ve been lapped repeatedly over the last (almost) 9 years that FF, and I have been together, and although I may feel pangs of jealousy that he still hasn''t popped the question, it in no way inhibits my happiness for the other couple! Like a lot of the other posters have mentioned, everyone''s relationships are different, and engagements/marriages shouldn''t be thought of as races..

 

[princessplease]

I had a friend, who like yours, has been with her bf for over 5 years. He hasn''t even talked rings yet (she''s 26, he''s 2, and she didn''t talk to me for about a month after FI and I got engaged. We were only together a year when we got engaged.

 

[AustenNut]

I have nothing new to add to this thread, but just wanted to commend you for being so sensitive to your friend''s situation.

 

[ringless]

You''re very considerate and sweet to think of her feelings! I have been in your friends position more than once as I''ve been with my bf for a little over 8 years, so I know how she feels I wouldn''t feel bad about getting engaged before her though... every relationship is different.. she''ll understand and be happy for you I''m sure

 

[lilyfoot]

Laila619, miraclesrule, tlh, vc10um, Lozza, vip0802, allycat0303, TheBigT, trillionaire, MrsHToBe, princessplease, AustenNut, & ringless, thank you for your kind words! All of your responses really make me feel relieved!

This is a very happy and exciting time in my life, but it''s very easy for me to feel guilty because others around me are not having the progress that they want in their lives. I feel like I have to "downplay" the good things that are happening in my life for the sake of others, because I wouldn''t want to inadvertently hurt someones feelings, or make them feel like I''m bragging.

I''ve been through a lot of crap in the past few years, and I''m finally at a great place in my life. I''m lucky I have the great PS ladies to share that with!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

It can be really hard for someone to watch other friends become engaged and married when they are stuck in a relationship-rut themselves. But that''s not something that should cause you worry...because it''s not about you.

Relationships are individual adventures that move at different paces...some fast, others slow. A true friend will be happy for you--not matter what--as you would be in return should the situation be reversed. But that of course is the best case. Feelings are feelings, and you can''t always help them or what form they take...but something like jealousy over this should blow over if it rises up.

Clearly you''re a good friend to show concern, and I believe you''ll be sensitive to her feelings...you two will be fine.

 

[nkarma]

As someone who has been lapped MANY times (7 years until engagement), it really never bothered me at all. Like someone else said, they are my friends so I am truly happy for them. I have had instances where acquaintenances got engaged way too soon in my opinion and I hoped they knew what they were getting into. Some people just must be ready before others. I think it depends also on when your BF wants to get engaged. Your post sounds like she isn''t really concerned about when. I have had friends that were upset about others engagements but they had been very very anxious to get engaged.

 

[Haven]

I had never even heard of this concept before I became a lady in waiting a few years ago. So I definitely didn''t feel any guilt if I lapped anyone.

I think it''s sweet of you to consider your friend''s feelings, but seriously, I don''t think you should feel guilty at all. As many other posters have said, we''re all different, our relationships take different courses, and you just never know what''s going on behind closed doors that is informing a couple''s choice to not get engaged just yet.