I think my engagement is off :'(

[MrsDrP]

Most of you know that I've been anxiously waiting for my SO to propose. He ordered a ring, and it's finally going to arrive on Dec 6 after 8 long weeks.

But then we had a huge fight a couple of days ago and I overreacted and I embarrassed him in front of his friends (I had too much to drink...acted really stupid). And now he has told me that he doesn't think he can propose to me in a few weeks and we can't get married in June. I'm completely devastated. I have been looking forward to this for so long. It's the only thing keeping me motivated with all of the difficult course work I have right now as I reach the end of my bachelor degree in Dietetics. Us getting married in June was PERFECT timing...he's graduating medical school in May, buying a house, etc. 

I can't believe he wants to call everything off this close to it all happening.....and all over one stupid fight. I made a mistake, and I admitted to it and I have been trying to show him how sincerely sorry I am. How can he do this to me? 

What am I supposed to do? I'm so hurt and scared. This is consuming me and eating away at me. He says I should be happy just to be with him, and I absolutely am. But.....it's hard to move backwards for me. I see him as my husband already. I can't wait to live with him and cook for him everyday. I can't just go back to simply "dating" him. It's so hard. We used to talk about our wedding and future everyday. We've already planned out almost everything about our wedding! 

Should I try to go backwards and give him what he wants? Should I put my foot down and leave? 

I'm trying to understand how he feels but I can't. I don't think he's being fair. If we were already married and we fought, would he divorce me? No! He's always told me that we're pretty much already engaged and if my ring hadn't had to to be custom made I'd already have it. 

So sad..... what should I do?

 

[liarudd]

hey! sorry to hear! urgh relationships can be SO frustrating.......
I would say, let him cool off... then i would tell him you wanted to talk.
I would sit him down and explain that you were wrong, and you know how much you embarrased him and feel horrible...

I would tell him how much he means to you and that sometimes relationships arent always rainbows and butterflies - and sometimes the best the best ones are worth fighting for....
I would listen to what he says and say that you understand that he is upset but hopes he doesnt throw something away over one fight ...(and if he does-- i think you are right when you say, would he leave after only one little fight???)

I think you sound like a smart girl, and you know what you need to do... I wish you all the best... maybe try to make it upto him by suprising him with an outting with just the boys

i hope everything works out for you!!!!! lets hope its just a small fight and you guys can move on!!!!

 

[MrsDrP]

Hmm...well I think it's over. I basically already told him what you said, and he says he needs proof that it will never happen again. In other words, he has no fath in me. And there's no way I can deal with that. He's being a stubborn jerk about this. So if he doesn't want to marry me and he wants to call off all of our plans, he's not going to have me at all. He'll figure out what he's missing.

I never thought he'd be this cruel. I'm glad I still have the option to leave. Maybe I dodged a bullet.

 

[liarudd]

I agree with you -- if he isnt going to have faith in you now, what s a peice of metal on your finger going to change--- maybe sad now, but if thats his attitude, i think you dodged a bullet too.....

I guess all you can do now, is decide if you want to "wait around" for him to make up his mind or walk out and eventually hell come begging...

 

[MissStepcut]

He wants proof that you'll never overreact again? Or fight again? Or embarrass him again? Well he's right to not have faith that won't happen, because it will. Those are relationships, and that's life. He'll do those things too, most likely.

I would guess he has bigger doubts than that but is hanging them all on this relatively small thing (and it's a convenient one since you're willing to take all the blame for what happened). A guy came onto Pricescope a few weeks ago talking about the "curse" of buying a diamond and how it made him start to notice the cracks in his relationship and his girlfriend's more offensive flaws. I think that's a pretty real phenomenon as couples get ready to progress in their relationship.

Sorry you're dealing with this. It's not an easy thing. Do you two live together?

 

[LJL]

I think he needs some time to cool off. Sometimes guys just want to let things fade away. SO HATES to keep talking and talking if theres nothing new to say. Of course I think you should talk to him about it at some point- maybe reiterate in a couple days that you really care about him and it was a big mistake and being a couple involves growing together, etc. Its hard to say that he will definitely forgive you since we don't know the exact circumstances (what was said, if you purposefully hit a nerve, was it private info said in public) and only you know your SO. There are so many factors at play here including your living situation (together, apart?) and what EXACTLY has been planned for the wedding (are deposits down?).

I will say one other thing in addition to you just giving him time - if you are feeling like you dodged a bullet NOW then maybe you werent really in it for the long haul? I dont want to be harsh but I have heard (similar to the ring exposing the cracks) that people who know they will be locked down in a relationship try to sabotage it so that they can be free. Again, only you know your situation, but if both of you are so ready to give it up over one fight you had while you were drunk, then maybe you don't really want to be with this guy.

If SO and I were held accountable for all the outrageous things we said while we were drunk.... thats a world I wouldn't want to live in.

 

[decodelighted]

I would guess he has bigger doubts than that but is hanging them all on this relatively small thing (and it's a convenient one since you're willing to take all the blame for what happened). A guy came onto Pricescope a few weeks ago talking about the "curse" of buying a diamond and how it made him start to notice the cracks in his relationship and his girlfriend's more offensive flaws. I think that's a pretty real phenomenon as couples get ready to progress in their relationship.

I've also heard a lot about relationships not surviving medical school. Maybe that phenomenon is at work also. Doesn't sound like there's anything you can do to "fix" this. Because his expectations are unrealistic. Proving? How can he "prove" to you he won't ditch you after the next fight? It doesn't sound like either of you are mature enough for marriage honestly. IMHO.

 

[MrsDrP]

He wants proof that you'll never overreact again? Or fight again? Or embarrass him again? Well he's right to not have faith that won't happen, because it will. Those are relationships, and that's life. He'll do those things too, most likely.

I would guess he has bigger doubts than that but is hanging them all on this relatively small thing (and it's a convenient one since you're willing to take all the blame for what happened). A guy came onto Pricescope a few weeks ago talking about the "curse" of buying a diamond and how it made him start to notice the cracks in his relationship and his girlfriend's more offensive flaws. I think that's a pretty real phenomenon as couples get ready to progress in their relationship.

Sorry you're dealing with this. It's not an easy thing. Do you two live together?

No, we don't live together. I've already made that mistake once. I'll never live with an SO again until he becomes my husband.

But I think you are absolutely right. I don't think an argument and me embarrassing him is a valid reason for him to call off our engagement and our wedding. There must be more. And if there isn't, then I'll be damned if I'm goined to spend the next 6 months walking on egg shells thinking that he might call off our wedding at any moment over a fight. I can't possibly allow my family to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding that he might call of in the blink of an eye. More importantly, I can't put MYSELF through that. He is set in his ways, well now I am set in mine. I won't be strung along and be made to feel like I need to kiss his tush so he'll propose. That BS is for the birds!

I'll give it a week or two for him to come around and realize he's making a mistake that he may regret for the rest of his life. But after that, I am done like a burnt steak!! I won't wait around on someone, not even him.

I guess we shall see how smart he really is because I'm starting to see that having an MD behind your name doesn't mean squat!!!!

 

[MissStepcut]

I would guess he has bigger doubts than that but is hanging them all on this relatively small thing (and it's a convenient one since you're willing to take all the blame for what happened). A guy came onto Pricescope a few weeks ago talking about the "curse" of buying a diamond and how it made him start to notice the cracks in his relationship and his girlfriend's more offensive flaws. I think that's a pretty real phenomenon as couples get ready to progress in their relationship.

I've also heard a lot about relationships not surviving medical school. Maybe that phenomenon is at work also. Doesn't sound like there's anything you can do to "fix" this. Because his expectations are unrealistic. Proving? How can he "prove" to you he won't ditch you after the next fight? It doesn't sound like either of you are mature enough for marriage honestly. IMHO.

In law school, there's two major "relationship-breaking" milestones:

1) the beginning of law school, where the relationship essentially starves to death due to neglect as students throw themselves at the competition that is first year grades, or
2) later, when the law student has to assess where his or her future is taking her, and either the SO or the student decides this relationship isn't right for the next step. The second milestone has a rush of engagements and breakups. I wouldn't be surprised at all if med schools have similar phenomenons.

 

[monarch64]

Hmm. Any guy would be stupid to ditch a woman who can't wait to cook for him every day! By the way, you don't mention your career aspirations once you obtain your Dietetics degree in the spring. Sounds like you're allowing everyone in your life to make decisions for you...your boyfriend gets to decide whether he'll propose (or not), and when, and your family will be handling the wedding (if there is one)...boyfriend is buying the house, etc. Where are you and YOUR choices in all this? Are you possibly a little afraid and insecure about experiencing the world on your own once you graduate? Just food for thought. Marriage is not always the best step to take even though it might seem the logical, natural, this-is-what's-expected thing to do.

 

[MissStepcut]

Hmm. Any guy would be stupid to ditch a woman who can't wait to cook for him every day! By the way, you don't mention your career aspirations once you obtain your Dietetics degree in the spring. Sounds like you're allowing everyone in your life to make decisions for you...your boyfriend gets to decide whether he'll propose (or not), and when, and your family will be handling the wedding (if there is one)...boyfriend is buying the house, etc. Where are you and YOUR choices in all this? Are you possibly a little afraid and insecure about experiencing the world on your own once you graduate? Just food for thought. Marriage is not always the best step to take even though it might seem the logical, natural, this-is-what's-expected thing to do.

I think this is an excellent point. While, pardon the quote, "people vary," I see a lot of young women wanting to lock down their relationships when they're about to graduate and face the world of permanent, full-time work for the first time. There's definitely something comforting about the idea that you'll have one of your "boxes checked" and the sense that marriage will guarantee stability... but of course, that's an illusion.

 

[swingirl]

Even though you have apologized for your behavior it might have given him a glimpse of something in your personality that made you embarrass him in the first place. It might have raised a red flag or confirmed something he already expected. Only you know if this is the first time such a thing has happened and why you acted the way you did. It could also be his way out of a relationship, a cowardly ploy. Getting the ring may have scared him.

I would say back off for a while, let him get over it, play "dating" for a short while and if it doesn't go anywhere be grateful that you found out now that he's not the guy for you. Although my DH and I never got into a major argument pre-engagement, I would be concerned if he pulled the, "I can't marry you" card after he had the ring and talked marriage. Of course, there are some things that people say where there are no "take backs".

I hope it all works out for you and sorry you are miserable about it all.

On a side note, I notice your "name" is MrsDrP. could it be that you are more eager than he for the wedding?

 

[wakingdreams53]

To be quite honest, that's extreme. You're in a serious enough relationship to practically be married. To wave around the proposal and wait until you're on "good behavior" is completely inconsiderate and this may be "life's" way of showing you what your future with him would be like. It may be possible you have the opportunity to dodge a bullet. Of course I wish you the best and hope things will work out and you'll have the life you've been dreaming about, but please take this as a warning.

Btw, why did you say that you'd never live with a SO until he's your husband? (for my own curiosity as I'm in the pro-pre-marital-co-habitation camp)

 

[MrsDrP]

Btw, why did you say that you'd never live with a SO until he's your husband? (for my own curiosity as I'm in the pro-pre-marital-co-habitation camp)

I'm not against it, I just don't feel it's the right thing for me to do. My family and I are Catholic....and we're not exactly strict Catholics who follow everything by the books, but for me that is one of the things that makes marriage special, and so I'd like to reserve it for when that time comes. On the other hand, I DO think it's important to make sure two people are compatible before taking the plunge...so, I can see it both ways. I've already lived with a guy I dated for 2+ years, and I just can't see myself doing it again...not until I know it's a sure thing.

 

[MrsDrP]

Thank yall so much for all of the advice. It definitely helps to see things from different perspectives. I love that man more than I have ever loved anyone or anything in my life! This is the hardest decision that I have ever had to make, but I can't let someone "test" and play with my emotions like that. Marriage is SO VERY, VERY serious to me....It isn't something that I joke around about. Now he is saying that he just wants to push the wedding and everything back. For what?? In my mind, what difference does it make? When you kmow, you know....and he "knew" enough to go spend 10k on a ring and promise me the world. He's so full of it! I won't play games like this....we both decided on an engagement in December and a wedding in June, and we decided on this about 4 months ago. And I in NO WAY pushed him into this. He's not going to call all the shots, I must have a say in this and right now I don't.

I pray with all of my heart that he will realize he is making a mistake before it's too late. We are so perfect for each other, yall....everyone around us has always been jealous of our relationship. We just click....this is all such a shock to me. We've been through SO much already....especially in the beginning of our relationship. I was almost certain that we both had already done everything we possibly could to mess things up and that we could survive anything. Maybe I was wrong? I mean....people are wrong all the time, right? I hope I'm not wrong. I hope he comes around soon because my heart is SO broken I'm not even sure where to begin if I have to start over. I never imagined myself with anyone but him

 

[MissStepcut]

Thank yall so much for all of the advice. It definitely helps to see things from different perspectives. I love that man more than I have ever loved anyone or anything in my life! This is the hardest decision that I have ever had to make, but I can't let someone "test" and play with my emotions like that. Marriage is SO VERY, VERY serious to me....It isn't something that I joke around about. Now he is saying that he just wants to push the wedding and everything back. For what?? In my mind, what difference does it make? When you kmow, you know....and he "knew" enough to go spend 10k on a ring and promise me the world. He's so full of it! I won't play games like this....we both decided on an engagement in December and a wedding in June, and we decided on this about 4 months ago. And I in NO WAY pushed him into this. He's not going to call all the shots, I must have a say in this and right now I don't.

I pray with all of my heart that he will realize he is making a mistake before it's too late. We are so perfect for each other, yall....everyone around us has always been jealous of our relationship. We just click....this is all such a shock to me. We've been through SO much already....especially in the beginning of our relationship. I was almost certain that we both had already done everything we possibly could to mess things up and that we could survive anything. Maybe I was wrong? I mean....people are wrong all the time, right? I hope I'm not wrong. I hope he comes around soon because my heart is SO broken I'm not even sure where to begin if I have to start over. I never imagined myself with anyone but him

Well apparently he isn't so sure. Wouldn't you want him to REALLY REALLY know, and not just play along to keep you happy while in reality he's still figuring it out?

 

[boredstiff1]

This is the hardest decision that I have ever had to make, but I can't let someone "test" and play with my emotions like that. Marriage is SO VERY, VERY serious to me....It isn't something that I joke around about. Now he is saying that he just wants to push the wedding and everything back. For what?? In my mind, what difference does it make? When you kmow, you know....and he "knew" enough to go spend 10k on a ring and promise me the world. He's so full of it! I won't play games like this....we both decided on an engagement in December and a wedding in June, and we decided on this about 4 months ago. And I in NO WAY pushed him into this. He's not going to call all the shots, I must have a say in this and right now I don't.

You're not engaged yet. Nothing is set in stone. He showed he was committed to the relationship when he plunked down 10k for your ring. Circumstances changed because of your behavior, not his. You're not entitled to anything. Now you're going to walk away and blame him for the split. Doesn't quite sound like you value him that much. It's easy to say you're sorry, but a lot harder to show it. Walking away doesn't help. Although, walking away could help you reach your goal of marrying a doctor faster...

Also, you didn't say what exactly you did to embarrass him?

 

[blackkatya]

Wow, boredstiff1, that was petty and unnecessary.

 

[sonnyjane]

I'm married. I also love a good bottle of wine. I've said some damn idiotic things to my husband both before and after marriage. When I know I've really crossed the line, which has only happened three or four times in our six years, then I come crawling back with my head low and make that boy his favorite meal. The fact of the matter is, when it's an innocent mistake, it's only reasonable to forgive someone. You didn't mention what you said, but I can only imagine a few things it could be to wound his pride so mortally. Even then, while you would for sure be in the wrong, to cancel a marriage is extreme. I think, as others said, that he is probably freaking out and needed an excuse to slow things down. I wouldn't go backward. It puts you in a weird position of trying to "earn" your engagent which is demeaning. Either he forgives you and things are back to normal, or you're done in my opinion.

 

[missy]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. Marriage is going to have good times and bad times, easy times and difficult ones. If he cannot get over the fight you two had what is going to happen when something major happens? It is inevitable. Even in the most perfect marriages there are going to be arguments and discord. I would not want to go through life walking on eggshells. No person is worth that! Your dh is supposed to be your soft place to fall when the world gets tough/cruel and life happens.

Sure we all make mistakes and you apologized and promised to do your best to not act foolish like that again. But stuff happens and no one is perfect. None of us is privy to what is going on between the 2 of you in your relationship so we can only offer advice on what is shared but it sounds to me like your FI has some growing up to do and if he doesn't value you for who you are (regardless of silly little disagreements) better to find out now than later. You mention you are Catholic- are you guys planning on going through Pre-Cana? That might be useful for you both. Relationships are not a black and white issue and they take work and compromise but with the right person it is wonderful (just not all the darn time LOL).

Good luck and I hope it all works out (whichever way that may be) and you will be OK no matter what. Believe in yourself and know you deserve finding a man who will love you despite flaws. We are all flawed.

 

[liarudd]

BoredStiff - when did she ever say that she wanted to marry him because he is a dr?? So you re being a catty *** basically and assuming because that is what he is in school for?? arent you just a lovely person....

I guess you are one of those people who would talk NASTY about people behind their backs if we had chat on here... GOOD TO KNOW

Moving along...
MrsDrP.... You have had a lot of good advice on here, if he is using the fight as an excuse then maybe he isnt ready... only YOU know him best...

I truly hope that things work out

 

[Asu]

I'm married. I also love a good bottle of wine. I've said some damn idiotic things to my husband both before and after marriage. When I know I've really crossed the line, which has only happened three or four times in our six years, then I come crawling back with my head low and make that boy his favorite meal. The fact of the matter is, when it's an innocent mistake, it's only reasonable to forgive someone. You didn't mention what you said, but I can only imagine a few things it could be to wound his pride so mortally. Even then, while you would for sure be in the wrong, to cancel a marriage is extreme. I think, as others said, that he is probably freaking out and needed an excuse to slow things down. I wouldn't go backward. It puts you in a weird position of trying to "earn" your engagent which is demeaning. Either he forgives you and things are back to normal, or you're done in my opinion.

I agree.God knows I said and did some stupid things that embarassed my husband during our 8 years together,and he did too,but this is just a part of being in a relationship.If he's so stuck on his positions,then maybe there is something more that he isn't telling you.Leave it a little time and try to talk with him again,but if he can't compromise or understand that no one is perfect and s**t happens,then maybe you are right on walking away.You can't be a Stepford wife,and he can't control everything.I would also be scared of him walking away at the first serious problem or argument,once you're married.If he can't deal with a minor mistake now,he probably won't be able to deal with the bigger troubles life can serve you.I'm sorry this is happening to you.

 

[marymm]

Here's the thing - as much as you both talked about becoming engaged, and talked about a wedding - you weren't actually engaged.

You haven't shared exactly what you said to him - I imagine it was pretty brutal for him to react by indicating he was no longer sure and wanted to take more time before moving forward. Waiting to make sure is not going backwards - it is holding steady - and if one person is having doubts it is entirely reasonable to hold steady now, before becoming engaged and making promises about commitment.

At no time have you said he is typically unreasonable or holds grudges - I think perhaps because you were drunk when you said whatever you said, you actually don't know the extent of the damage your words did to him. Words are extremely powerful - and even sincere apologies do not operate to erase ugly incidents... apologies are offered to show remorse and to let the person wronged know that you are aware of and sorry for the hurt you wrought. An apology doesn't cure the harm caused - but it is necessary for healing to begin - and time usually does the rest.

As an adult, you know you are responsible for your actions (drunk and sober); you have to accept the consequences of your actions. It sounds like he is being honest and straight-forward with you, not playing games or holding anything over your head. If you do love him, and if he in the past has been a reasonable man when you two had difficulties, then I would suggest you respect his decision to hold steady. Good luck to you.

 

[princesss]

This is the hardest decision that I have ever had to make, but I can't let someone "test" and play with my emotions like that. Marriage is SO VERY, VERY serious to me....It isn't something that I joke around about. Now he is saying that he just wants to push the wedding and everything back. For what?? In my mind, what difference does it make? When you kmow, you know....and he "knew" enough to go spend 10k on a ring and promise me the world. He's so full of it! I won't play games like this....we both decided on an engagement in December and a wedding in June, and we decided on this about 4 months ago. And I in NO WAY pushed him into this. He's not going to call all the shots, I must have a say in this and right now I don't.

You're not engaged yet. Nothing is set in stone. He showed he was committed to the relationship when he plunked down 10k for your ring. Circumstances changed because of your behavior, not his. You're not entitled to anything. Now you're going to walk away and blame him for the split. Doesn't quite sound like you value him that much. It's easy to say you're sorry, but a lot harder to show it. Walking away doesn't help. Although, walking away could help you reach your goal of marrying a doctor faster...

Also, you didn't say what exactly you did to embarrass him?

Why do I feel like MrDrP found PS?



Best of luck with however this situation pans out, MrsDrP.

 

[liarudd]

Unless there is something I AM MISSING - i dont understand why you would say MR DrP found PS?? totally irrellevant.... seriously...

So what if she said the meanest things and made him look like a complete idiot--- if he loved her like he says he does - REGARDLESS he would not throw in the towel so easy..........

I dont know why people are saying it would be HER fault, becuase ya she made some bad choices (WHO CARES WHAT WAS SAID-SHE SAID SHE WAS WRONG)..... at least she apologized... that should be enough for him to move on again (even if SLOW) NOT say everything is off and they are over

he is acting childish- not her so what gives...... its her choice and everyone needs to be a little bit nicer because i am sure your other wouldnt like how you look online all the time either

get over yourselves

 

[princesss]

Whoa there, honey. Calm it down a bit. I meant that I think there is so much bitterness in the post I quoted that it seems to me like he posted it. It was a comment about THAT POSTER, not the OP. We have no idea what the OP said, apology or not, some things are unforgivable. It's up to him to decide if what she said crossed that line for him. It's up to her to see if she can handle waiting to see, or can handle a guy that doesn't forgive everything easily. It seems like fault lies on both sides of the situation, but it's also worth noting that if he DID find this, maybe it's worth being careful with what's being said. It could just cause more trouble if he feels like their issues are being aired publicly with no regard for his feelings.

 

[isaku5]

I won't sugar-coat this: He's looking for a way out and the 'fight/embarrassment' scenario made an adeqate excuse.

He still has the ring and could probably return it and get his money back. He's lost nothing (except the love of a wonderful woman).

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dream, but to marry such a guy would be folly as you'll always be blamed for everything that goes wrong.

 

[liarudd]

Ok Princessss I m sorry I interpreted what you wrote wrong---


I still dont see how it would make a diff. if he read it or not though or how that is relevant -- i dont know who she is or her friends etc... so i dont think it should be a big deal even if he did read it

 

[MonkeyPie]

Ok Princessss I m sorry I interpreted what you wrote wrong---


I still dont see how it would make a diff. if he read it or not though or how that is relevant -- i dont know who she is or her friends etc... so i dont think it should be a big deal even if he did read it

It's a big deal if he doesn't want his dirty laundry on the internet. Not everyone likes their personal lives - hidden behind a screenname or not - posted about. It's pretty obvious that the one poster saying mean things registered just to comment on this thread.

OP, time to take a step back and think about what you need to do WITHOUT the input of others. It's truly your decision but you and your BF need to sit down and discuss it like adults.

 

[Lauren8211]

Whoa there, honey. Calm it down a bit. I meant that I think there is so much bitterness in the post I quoted that it seems to me like he posted it. It was a comment about THAT POSTER, not the OP. We have no idea what the OP said, apology or not, some things are unforgivable. It's up to him to decide if what she said crossed that line for him. It's up to her to see if she can handle waiting to see, or can handle a guy that doesn't forgive everything easily. It seems like fault lies on both sides of the situation, but it's also worth noting that if he DID find this, maybe it's worth being careful with what's being said. It could just cause more trouble if he feels like their issues are being aired publicly with no regard for his feelings.

Totally agree, Princesss! A little strange for someone with only one post to chime in with such a bitter response if they weren't somehow personally involved in this relationship.