Have I Made a Mistake?

[gummy-bear]

So some news is boyfriend has bought a stone (that i picked) and we're going to get the setting custom made (also a design I've specified). Now that the papers have been signed and payment authorized, I'm getting this feeling that I may have ruined this whole experience.

Long ago I thought: Girl meets boy. Girl and boy are both for getting married. Boy surprises girl with ring. Maybe it's a horrible thought to have but I thought, "What if i don't like it?"

So now after having a setting made that i adore and picking out a stone, I'm suffering from some doubt about what I've done. When some of my friends got engaged, they did even know that a ring had even been purchased.

Have I taken away an important element to this whole process? Is all chances of being surprised gone? Should i have trusted his tastes and appreiated any ring he got me insted of bing my uual picky self?

I know there are others out there who have been involved in the process and your opinion would be appreiate. For those who've received a proposal with a ring you helped pick / design; was there still an element of surprise and awe? Did you regret having involvement in picking it out?

 

[amc80]

I was worried about the exact same thing. I knew, to the day, when my ring would be ready. Here's the thing- at the end of the day, what matters more- that you are engaged, or how you came to be engaged?

 

[maebelle]

You haven't ruined anything. In my experience, even when the couple comes back from getting engaged and the girl is all "Oh! It was so surprising!" I find out a year later she chose the ring herself (or at least dropped massive hints like emails with exact links to exact things!). I'd say it's the norm, not the exception.

You both have to see the ring everyday, and you are the one wearing it, Why shouldn't you have have a say? It's almost absurd to think that one person would have so much say in something so important!

I also think the whole "long ago" thing is a bit of a fairy tale. Most people were proposed to without an engagement ring, and never got one, or would then go choose something. You should do what feels right to you and don't worry about what the norm is. It'll still be exciting, you'll still get butterflies

 

[gummy-bear]

Thanks for the replies. It makes me feel a bit better about butting into the process. After the CAD is approved I plan to back off and don't even want to know when it arrives as I'll probably go into crazy LIW mode at that time.

 

[confusedaisy]

It's the same thing with me. All of my engaged girlfriends had no idea when they were proposing and have no clue about their rings to this day (which I think is absolutely nuts- I can get being OK with the surprise but after it's been gifted I need the deets- but maybe that's just me). It worked for them but I don't think it would have worked for me.
Here was my situation: My bf and I have spoken about the engagement and the wedding since very early on in our relationship so he understood how I felt about the ring (quality over quantity). Before we started the process I actually thought that he and my mom or aunts would be getting the ring until I realized that they weren't as "up on" the diamond buying prices as I had thought. However, when the bf told his family around Christmas that he was going to start ring shopping because he wanted to propose, his brother (older) gave the bf the following advice:
-Don't get something that's certified- it's just a piece of paper that hikes up the price and it's all bs anyway
-Don't spend over XXX amount- it's just a dumb tradition that debeers created... blah, blah, blah
- Just get under a carat since that's the number most girls want
(I WILL NOT get into the fact that he used those guidelines to buy the ring for his now wife... I WILL NOT.......)
That advice may have worked for his wife but how disappointed would I have been if he went into the buying process with that mindset? Like I said, I don't think it would have worked for me AND- I'm actually so proud that we worked together to pick something out that we both love and that will mean so much to us.

Now if he would just give it to me.....

 

[confusedaisy]

Thanks for the replies. It makes me feel a bit better about butting into the process. After the CAD is approved I plan to back off and don't even want to know when it arrives as I'll probably go into crazy LIW mode at that time.

You're not butting in- you're working together!!

 

[gummy-bear]

Haha, thanks confusedaisy. I've been feeling kinda pushy with all my specification. He was wanting to buy from a local jeweler for peace of mind but then I found Pricescope :p. He's agreed to go with an online jeweller which has ended up probably saving us a ton of $$$. I guess one reason I wanted to pick the stone was because I wanted him to get the most for what he was spending.

 

[swingirl]

You are going to be looking at that ring every day of your married life. I was horribly afraid my DH-to-be would pick out an awful ring that I would be stuck with. So I picked out my own. I loved wearing it and even though it wasn't the greatest stone I now wear it in a pendant since I have upgraded. But the engagement is about the promise to marry. In my opinion it doesn't need a "surprise", skywriting, trip to the Eiffel Tower or whatever. The focus should be on the commitment. The jewelry is important, though, because YOU are going to be wearing it for years! Sounds like you have picked out something you will enjoy wearing, is a comfortable size and paid a fair price for. Those are good things!!

Enjoy your ring when you get to wear it. You haven't missed anything because the best is yet to come!

 

[havernell]

The actual proposal can still be a surprise even if you know what the ring will look like. My husband and I picked out my stone and setting together, but after that we put the ring in our safety deposit box. Four months later, he got the ring out of the safety deposit box and proposed in a way he had planned himself. I had no idea the proposal was coming at that moment. So, we still had the fun of a surprise proposal, but without the fear (on either of our parts) if I'd like the ring! Perhaps you and your SO could do something similar.

 

[ChloeTheGreat]

I think an important aspect of the ring is knowing you'll like it. You've designed it yourself, so you know it will be something you'll love to wear. Maybe the ring not being a surprise takes a little fun out of the "getting engaged" part, but many years down the line when you still look down at your hand and love your ring, it will be worth it.

My sister was engaged to a guy for 4 years. He picked out a ring and she never liked it. When the relationship ended (without a marriage) she was happy to give back the ring because she had never liked it anyway.

 

[Ladybug1]

Wow.....I feel like you are sharing my thoughts exactly!!! My boyfriend picked out a diamond he loves and I loved it as well but when we got the GIA report I saw it was graded as "very good" and from what I can tell that is almost unheard of in pricescope world I have been told that I am meddling, that I need to give him space and not micro manage the whole thing, etc etc but I feel like there are so many amazing stones and deals on here that since it's the same money being spent why not get the best? Now I just need him to get over his fear of buying something he hasn't seen yet......but if he does not want to budge a "very good" cut on a very pretty diamond graded by GIA is not that bad right? Driving me nuts though cuz I know he could get a triple x on here). But yes, I feel worried that I am way toooooo involved in something he wants to be in charge of.

 

[slg47]

I designed my own ring...because I wanted input. I don't think I missed out on anything, I really enjoy my ring and FI enjoys knowing that I like it so much and his money was well spent.

Ladybug I am not sure why he has to be in charge of the ring if you are going to be wearing it for the rest of your life?

 

[Ladybug1]

He is not in charge of the whole thing, I picked out setting and went with him to see several diamonds, it's been very much "us" till this damn family friend came in . I just need to man up and risk disappointing him (he thinks it's a done deal and is thrilled) and bring up my "new" concerns ( I was thrilled with it two weeks ago)......it's becoming clear I must and thank you for supporting me in this!

 

[gummy-bear]

Ok, now I'm not feeling so crazy / controlling.

When should i stop looking? CAD? Wax? Final pictures? I guess I'm worried something may need to be adjusted. Would this be considered peeking? When did / would you stop looking?

 

[crhq5c]

I don't think you made a mistake at all; I did the same thing. We looked at rings together, and ended up designing it together. I really loved spending that time with him look for rings; we really enjoyed ourselves, and I would change it if I had to go back. My plan was to see it up until the CAD, but he wanted me to try on the wax model, so we decided that would be the point I back away. Unfortunately, the wax model seemed to take a large amount of time, so we called to check up on it. They said that it was just finished that day, so we made an appointment to go check it out. When we got there we discovered that the entire ring was completed, so I have already seen the completed ring which is disappointing for me (he didn't care at all). All in all, that would be my biggest regret because now the surprise factor is gone, and now that I have seen the ring and have had it on my finger, my patience has decreased to nothing.

 

[PrincessNuggz]

Ok, now I'm not feeling so crazy / controlling.

When should i stop looking? CAD? Wax? Final pictures? I guess I'm worried something may need to be adjusted. Would this be considered peeking? When did / would you stop looking?

I was pretty much in the same boat as you--I picked out my own setting and diamond.

After that, I was supposed to be out of the picture. But I had a hard time letting go. My setting is supposed to take 4-6 weeks to make, and mine ended up being almost 6. Needless to say, by week 5 I was going pretty nuts, wondering if the ring was in, etc. I was also worried that the prongs would be too thick, etc (because I had never seen the setting in person). I ended up hinting and whatnot to my boyfriend until he told me when it was coming. I thought I would be able to rest easy once I knew he had it in his possession, but that wasn't the case either. I spent the whole weekend getting dressed up (well, not necessarily "up," but I'd put on makeup, put on a cute outfit, and make sure my hair looked nice) every time we went out for several days. It was kinda torturous.

He could tell I was going nuts so he all but told me the day he was going to propose. Where he took me, what he said, etc. ended up being a surprise.. but that was about it.

I don't regret picking out my ring, because I love it, but I do regret being so involved sometimes. It was hard to let go and just let him handle things after I had done so much "work" and research. I kind of wish I'd been more in the dark as to when he got the ring, and when he'd propose. But at the end of the day, it's not that big of a deal. I still have a cute story to tell friends and I got the exact ring I wanted.

 

[gummy-bear]

Thanks for sharing crhq5c and PrincessNuggz,

I guess I may be wrong in thinking, "Once I see the CAD / wax / final product photo I'll feel better" may be wrong. I'm still waiting anxiously for the CAD. It feels like I've been on edge this entire time and I just want to relax :s.

 

[PrincessNuggz]

Thanks for sharing crhq5c and PrincessNuggz,

I guess I may be wrong in thinking, "Once I see the CAD / wax / final product photo I'll feel better" may be wrong. I'm still waiting anxiously for the CAD. It feels like I've been on edge this entire time and I just want to relax :s.

I think it's different for everyone. But I felt the same was as you and, in my case, I wasn't much more relaxed once I had more information. It really is a stressful time! Everyone says to just enjoy your last few days/weeks as just boyfriend and girlfriend--and I agree--but it's so hard!

 

[slg47]

Ok, now I'm not feeling so crazy / controlling.

When should i stop looking? CAD? Wax? Final pictures? I guess I'm worried something may need to be adjusted. Would this be considered peeking? When did / would you stop looking?

I stopped with CAD. That way I still felt sort of surprised since I hadn't seen the final ring, but I was able to approve the final design.

 

[gummy-bear]

Stopping at the CAD s what I'm leaning towards. I've seen a few CADs on PS and the final product is always a surprise and treat to see. I guess maybe I'll have to try to relax and trust the jewelers to do their thing.

 

[HopeDream]

Hi Gummy-bear,

I picked out the stone and the setting of my e-ring, and then didn't see the finished ring until he proposed. It was a delightful surprise and I haven't regretted it.

I think stopping at the CADs is a good way to preserve the element of surprise. Keep in mind that everything looks a bit chunkier in CAD than it will in real life, because the benchman should still hand-finish the wax before it goes into the mold (smoothing edges etc)

I think total surprises are highly over-rated, and I have seen some heartbreaking threads by women who love their man, but hate their ring, and don't know what to do about it (the answer usually is wait it out 10+ years until they reach a major anniversary upgrade).

Don't worry Gummy-bear, looking into his eyes during the proposal, and seeing the rock-solid certainty that he wants you to be his wife will blow everything else away. You can't ruin his commitment to your future by knowing the finer details of a bit of jewellery.

 

[CaprineSun]

I posted the same concerns as you, Gummy Bear, in other threads.

I actually wanted to stop at picking a vendor, supplying my SO with a document of very specific details & design, & telling exactly what I want. When he actually bought the stone, contacted the vendor, & paid for the ring, would be a total surprise. Well, some of the ladies here thought it wasn't a good idea.

Then, a few wks ago, I'm talking to him & he suggests me picking out everything, including full contact with the vendor, keeping only the completion date & proposal date & surprise. I was like "Wow, really?" For him, my total satisfaction is of utmost importance. He's so great!
So I have decided to be involved until the final CAD, or if handmade, the final pic of the completed ring from the designer.
I'm so excited!

 

[Winks_Elf]

My husband knows about as much about diamonds as I do about how to restore a second-generation Camaro, which isn't a helluva lot. He surprised me with a vintage diamond and sapphire cocktail ring for Christmas, and to be honest I was surprised that I loved it. BUT, I lost my 1.61 carat diamond back about 8 years ago when I was newly pregnant with #3, and we haven't replaced it. Now we're older and wiser, and we both understand that whether he actually pays for it or I do, it's pretty much coming out of the same pocket. I've got a diamond being set right now. I've been waiting for literally years for the right one to come along, and it has. My criteria was it had to be between .6 and .8ct because of the mounting (it's a Ribbon ring), had to be a warmer stone (between H and J), and while I didn't get the blue to strong blue fluorescence I wanted, I DID get a completely eye-clean Crafted By Infinity, and the price of the diamond was well under $2k. My husband would have had to call my boss to figure out what I want, if he wanted to surprise me, and even Wink didn't know the story behind why I wanted the Ribbon ring (or where to find the right setting since I handle that end of the business), so he wouldn't have known to steer him in that direction.

My husband is happy that I've finally committed to a piece (that he knows I won't want to upgrade), and he doesn't even mind that he didn't find out about it until after I had already made arrangements with my boss to get it. He's just glad I was sensible about the budget, and thrilled that I'm going to be thrilled with it.

 

[suchende]

It's one of those "have your cake or eat it" situations. You can have the surprise or the control, but not both. Once you decide, no good can come from second-guessing yourself. If you decide to stop at the CAD or whatever though, and it isn't 100% exactly what you had in mind, remember that after a couple years it will just be "your ring" and you probably won't be able to imagine it any other way. Also, remember that this isn't the last peice of jewelry you will ever have.

 

[gummy-bear]

I only hope that after seeing the CAD I have the self control not to peek. I may have to get the boyfriend to change his password :s.

 

[joe.laroza]

I bought and designed a ring for my fiance all by myself and the only thing I regret is not having an accurate sized measure. I guessed she was a 7.5 but she was a 6. I wouldn't worry if I were you... there are much bigger things to worry about in marriage than this. Enjoy the ring and person you chose!

 

[MayFlowers]

I would definitely stop at the CAD. BF and I are picking out my ring together and I'm so glad we are doing it this way! Because of all the knowledge I have learned from PS and my extremely picky and detail-oriented personality, it will be so much less stress on BF if I help to pick it out. He wants me to have my dream ring and he knows that it will be absolutely perfect if we pick it out together.

 

[INdmbLove]

My bf and I are going through the process now. He wants for me to be involved 100%. He told me today that if he went and picked it out with little to no input from me--- he'd Always wonder in the back of my mind if I Really liked it- or just loved it b/c he gave it to me... but in reality I would've picked out something else that I thought was "better". I don't think you ruined anything... just let him have his moment with the proposal... and hopefully that part will be your "surprise"

Congrats!

 

[gummy-bear]

So I've been waiting for the CAD and checking e-mails like a crazy person untill boyfriend reminded me that it was the weekend. I've been good today by only checking once or twice today but I know that all bets are off tomorrow. I wish I had more patience.

Another question, did any of you let your friends / family know you were having a ring made? Or did you wait until the proposal was made?

 

[captainmcgee]

Gummy-Bear I have been through this. BF and I did the whole process together. He just said I want you to be happy so I want you to design it, so it did (very simple but I love it).

The whole time I was the contact, I made the appointments etc and when it was finished, I had to try it on to make sure it fit perfectly, was everything that I wanted.

I alwayss imagined that it would be this way as BF can't even pick a birthday present on his own (enlists family and friends) as he is nervous I might not like and he says he just doesn't know what to get. I guess there are times I wish I didn't know because I have been waiting 4 months (that is since the completion date) and it is killing me. I honestly don't believe it is coming anytime soon either which makes it even worse because I think to myself, why not now it's the perfect time, what's the hold up etc haha but generally I am so glad that we did it together it took a huge weight both our shoulders.

Enjoy this time and congratulations

Oh and no we haven't told anyone. We won't until the proposal comes (I could be waiting until the end of the year ) I think it's nice to surprise everyone. I don't think we will ever tell anyone I helped as he wants to take the credit haha!