My New DIL Thinks I'm a MONSTER

[iLander]

Okay, this whole thing makes me sad, but it's been bugging me, so I want some advice:

So my son and his fiance decide to have a small wedding, only a dozen people. It's all very beautiful, etc. About an hour into the reception, I start to feel faint. Then I realize I need to find a bathroom and FAST! I'm vomiting and well, there's diarhhea. I realize after a horrible 30 minutes in the bathroom, that I can't stand upright. I am absolutely wrung out, I can't walk, I feel WAY worse than I ever have after vomiting. I sit in a chair and can't make it anywhere on my own. I'm away from the wedding party, and thank god, because I am so embarressed and feel awful. Eventually security finds me, and my DH (who has been with me the whole time, except for the bathroom) says it's time to go home. I am crushed at having to leave my son's wedding, but I feel too weak to talk much. I am CRUSHED

I am in a wheelchair brought by security, the new couple come outside to say goodbye (I am barely holding it together, since people at the restaurant are staring at me), I apologize profusely, and we drive home, me sobbing because this is all just so horrible. I have wracking chills for 3 hours after I get home. The next day, I still can't walk, and the weakness is incredible for three whole days.

We don't hear from the couple for almost a month, and we're thinking "honeymooners". We've texted how sorry I am, but no questions from them about how I feel, etc. But in a phone call, my son let's it slip that she thinks I was faking my illness. That she thinks I'm an "attention ho" (direct quote) just trying to shift the spotlight from her at her wedding.

She thinks I'm some kind of MONSTER. Who would possibly want to fake a sickness like that I was SO looking forward to this!

They are both coming over today, for the first time since the wedding. What do I say to her?

My DD, who witnessed this whole thing, including the bathroom, wants to beat her up!

I'm just so sad that she would think so poorly of me . . .

 

[missy]

Oh my! How awful of them iLander! I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

First of all I am glad you are feeling better!

Second of all, why didn't your son set your new DIL straight? I cannot understand him letting her think that of you.
It is so ridiculous that she would assume the very worst and he would not stand up for you and allow her to see how wrong she is with regard to this.

I think you need to call her (or better yet speak with her in person) to set her straight yourself. Misunderstandings have a way of snowballing into things that are very ugly. Best to stop it before that happens.
Also, it is almost unforgivable of them not to call you to see how you were feeling during their honeymoon. I mean, you were terribly ill!

 

[that_someone_special]

How long has she known you?

I had a bridesmaid that everyone else complained about (always wanting attention even at someone elses wedding). She's like that.. But I KNOW her...

But since you were really sick and she thinks this poorly of you- she probably doesn't know you very well... That and she probably was very very emotional that day and it was "one more thing" to go wrong or to happen.

Could you suggest a girls night to bond with her?
Maybe go out to dinner all 4 of you and have a toast to the couple?

I would sit down and write an apology. Even if it wasn't your fault, I think a true, honest apology would go along way. Talk about it for a little and then move on.. Otherwise I think you guys might end up resenting each other.

 

[dragonfly411]

ilander - I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Words cannot express....

I hope your DD gives her a piece of her mind.

 

[that_someone_special]

Setting it straight would be good... But at the end of the day one person has to give in and apologize and "bow down". I think anything short of that might lead to her getting angry again and it could create some major distance with your new DIL.

 

[mary poppins]

Oh no, that's a terrible experience. It's always awful to get sick like that, but what bad timing. Glad to hear you're well now, though.

How was your relationship with DIL before the wedding?

 

[Maisie]

Wow. I can't believe she would think that of you. I can understand her feeling disappointed that you two had to leave. Losing two guests in a small wedding would really show. However, you can't help being ill and your son should have stuck up for you. And maybe not told you what she said. I wouldn't even go there with her. She is being silly and needs to be a bit more respectful.

That bug sounded scary, I hate being sick!

 

[packrat]

Awww ilander, how awful! I'm so sorry you got so incredibly sick, and then to have her question it on top of it..ugh. I hope you guys can get past this and move on. Also, I agree w/mentioned earlier about not knowing you very well if she believes it was a ploy on your part. If it happened to my mom, I would know it was serious. Some other members of the family however would get this if it happened to them b/c I know how they are. What about DIL? Is she pretty level headed and it was just the stress of the day that makes her think the focus was taken from her, or is there a bit of..a drama queen in there?

 

[Cehrabehra]

((((hugs)))) I'm really sorry... I don't know what to say. I think I would drop it and in 10 years or whatever you can quietly say to her, "I really am sorry if I ruined your wedding in your eyes, I was geuninely ill"

I had a very similar situation with my mother in law. At my babyshower I was VERY hot, had undx'd hypertension/toxemia, and had a really bad panic attack. I was freaking out inside and getting tunnel vision and afraid I would pass out and having this whole internal discussion with myself about whether or not I needed to go to hospital or lay down or if the baby would be okay (my main focus) and I got up to walk to somewhere I could be alone, lay down, have quiet, and she grabbed my arm and said I had to go play some game and I said no and she grabbed my arm and said I was being selfish and ungrateful (she didn't know what was going on with me) and I looked up at her (I had my eyes on the ground to keep my balance) and said get your hands off of me you bitch... well that didn't go over well with her. For YEARS she said I faked the whole thing for attention and drama. That was over 16 years ago... eventually she came to me and admitted she believed me. But it took at least 8 years lol I've known her since I was 5 and I was an uberbrat as a child and she could not let go over those days... finally she came to see me as an adult and that while somethings never change, others do.

I would just give it time... you cannot control how she feels. She feels hurt. Might as well suck it up and let her have her hurt however unfair it is that she isn't even giving a sh!t about your health. You're the older, wiser one here... sorry for calling you older lol

 

[iLander]

((((hugs)))) I'm really sorry... I don't know what to say. I think I would drop it and in 10 years or whatever you can quietly say to her, "I really am sorry if I ruined your wedding in your eyes, I was geuninely ill"

I had a very similar situation with my mother in law. At my babyshower I was VERY hot, had undx'd hypertension/toxemia, and had a really bad panic attack. I was freaking out inside and getting tunnel vision and afraid I would pass out and having this whole internal discussion with myself about whether or not I needed to go to hospital or lay down or if the baby would be okay (my main focus) and I got up to walk to somewhere I could be alone, lay down, have quiet, and she grabbed my arm and said I had to go play some game and I said no and she grabbed my arm and said I was being selfish and ungrateful (she didn't know what was going on with me) and I looked up at her (I had my eyes on the ground to keep my balance) and said get your hands off of me you bitch... well that didn't go over well with her. For YEARS she said I faked the whole thing for attention and drama. That was over 16 years ago... eventually she came to me and admitted she believed me. But it took at least 8 years lol I've known her since I was 5 and I was an uberbrat as a child and she could not let go over those days... finally she came to see me as an adult and that while somethings never change, others do.

I would just give it time... you cannot control how she feels. She feels hurt. Might as well suck it up and let her have her hurt however unfair it is that she isn't even giving a sh!t about your health. You're the older, wiser one here... sorry for calling you older lol

Poor Cehrabehra! That's why I left, I thought I would pass out!

If I had stayed, wouldn't she think I was really an "attention ho", sitting there in my wheelchair? The other chairs had no arms, and I REALLY needed the arms to hold me up!

BTW- your MIL sounds like a bitch,

 

[iLander]

Here's the thing: I have tried very hard to get to know her. I have invited her for girl's shopping, I have tried to have private, relaxed conversations with her, and she has always refused, or walked off. Either she's "too busy" or it's her "errands day" or whatever. I have been refused repeatedly.

My son, throughout this relationship with her, has disappeared. We went from seeing him once a week, to once every 6 weeks or so. This REALLY upset my DH, he kept trying to spend time with them, but she clearly didn't want to spend time with us. She doesn't really talk to me when we are all together. She talks to everyone else and has said nice things about my DH and DD (passed on by son) but he is silent when I ask him what she thinks of me. I've never said anything to offend her, I am always very nice, very complimentary, give her big hugs, made pleasant conversation, etc.

My MiL didn't accept me for over 25 years of marriage and I SWORE I would not be a cold, mean MIL. I've tried so hard . . .

I thought she liked me. . .

My son, even though he supposedly knows me very well, believed I faked it too. He seems to do/think anything she says. At least he did until he came to see me the other day, without her, and my DH made it very clear that I was sick. He went home and reported that he thought my story was legit, and her answer was "I would rather have had a limb torn off then leave". He says she's still upset about it.

If you ask anyone else, I'm not a diva at all. All my DD friends think I'm awesome, because I am so warm and down to earth, they give me big hugs and we talk about boyfriends, gossip, etc. My friends tell me I'm kind and generous to a fault. If it helps, I'm an Aquarius and we're generally very open, accepting people.

We wanted to get together with her mother before the wedding, just a nice lunch to get to know the in-laws, and they both had a huge fit. They actually yelled at me that I had no right to contact her. Does this sound normal to you?

 

[Cehrabehra]

BTW- your MIL sounds like a bitch,

lol - she kind of is! Wish me luck in May when she comes out here for a month I do love her though, I've known her since I was 5 and for better or worse she feels like real family.

In your situation I'm betting you haven't known her that long so it's far more delicate. New brides are NOTORIOUS (and that doesn't mean every bride... and mothers can be equally awful) for wanting to lay claim to their new husband, to show their possession, to stake their claim, to mark the passage of the baby bird leaving the nest, in theory never to return and to spend the remainder of their life with the new wife. I felt somewhat like that until I had my own sons... after that I was more inclined to be like honey you should call your mom, you should sit next to your mom lol It is such an awful time in some ways...

 

[Cehrabehra]

::sigh:: I just read your last post... I don't want to say anything more about this other than maybe counseling. The girl has issues and I would HATE for it to result in you losing your son.

 

[iLander]

::sigh:: I just read your last post... I don't want to say anything more about this other than maybe counseling. The girl has issues and I would HATE for it to result in you losing your son.

That's kind of scary, , what do you mean?

 

[Lady_Disdain]

iLander - I just read your last post. First of all, huge hugs to you. It must be so trying, I just can't imagine.

Honestly, from your last post, I would say that nothing you do will ever go right with your DIL. Treat her kindly when you meet her but don't go out of your way to bond with her or have one on one time, etc. She won't appreciate it and will only give her more fodder to bad talk you.

I wish I had some advice about how to get close to your son again, but I don't. I just feel a lot for you and your DH.

 

[blueiris]

Here's the thing: I have tried very hard to get to know her. I have invited her for girl's shopping, I have tried to have private, relaxed conversations with her, and she has always refused, or walked off. Either she's "too busy" or it's her "errands day" or whatever. I have been refused repeatedly.

My son, throughout this relationship with her, has disappeared. We went from seeing him once a week, to once every 6 weeks or so. This REALLY upset my DH, he kept trying to spend time with them, but she clearly didn't want to spend time with us. She doesn't really talk to me when we are all together. She talks to everyone else and has said nice things about my DH and DD (passed on by son) but he is silent when I ask him what she thinks of me. I've never said anything to offend her, I am always very nice, very complimentary, give her big hugs, made pleasant conversation, etc.

My MiL didn't accept me for over 25 years of marriage and I SWORE I would not be a cold, mean MIL. I've tried so hard . . .

I thought she liked me. . .

My son, even though he supposedly knows me very well, believed I faked it too. He seems to do/think anything she says. At least he did until he came to see me the other day, without her, and my DH made it very clear that I was sick. He went home and reported that he thought my story was legit, and her answer was "I would rather have had a limb torn off then leave". He says she's still upset about it.

If you ask anyone else, I'm not a diva at all. All my DD friends think I'm awesome, because I am so warm and down to earth, they give me big hugs and we talk about boyfriends, gossip, etc. My friends tell me I'm kind and generous to a fault. If it helps, I'm an Aquarius and we're generally very open, accepting people.

We wanted to get together with her mother before the wedding, just a nice lunch to get to know the in-laws, and they both had a huge fit. They actually yelled at me that I had no right to contact her. Does this sound normal to you?

I feel so bad for you. I have always hoped I will have better relationships with my future son-in-law and daughters-in-law than I've had with my MIL, too, so I know you must be so hurt and disappointed. I sincerely hope that your son will stand up for you, now that he believes the truth about that day. I would be so hurt if my son didn't believe me when I said I was sick, or if he thought I was doing something just to get attention.

Your new DIL sounds like she's incredibly self-absorbed and that must be very difficult. I'd feel sorry for her if I could, as she probably deserves some pity for her insensitivity and selfishness, but I just can't find it in me! She sounds like a spoiled brat! It does sound like you've made huge efforts to befriend her and to show her you're glad she is part of your family, but since you said she hasn't really responded well to all of your efforts, it seems like she had already made up her mind about you prior to the wedding reception "incident". You may have a long and difficult road ahead of you, trying to keep your son close while not resenting the hell out of your new DIL, but I hope that won't be the case. Please update this thread, if you can, because I'm going to be wondering what happened after you meet today. Sending you big hugs and sympathy!

 

[E B]

I think it's ridiculous, after seeing you sobbing in a wheelchair, that your DIL assumed you were faking. I've been that sick in a restaurant before and it's truly awful- I'm sorry you had to experience that at all, but especially on your son's wedding day.

If I were you, I'd tell the story once more, with an apology as a story 'finisher,' not because you owe them another one. If your DIL still can't accept the truth, that's her problem. She may just be one of those difficult people who forms opinions of others before s/he really get to know them.

 

[Cehrabehra]

::sigh:: I just read your last post... I don't want to say anything more about this other than maybe counseling. The girl has issues and I would HATE for it to result in you losing your son.

That's kind of scary, , what do you mean?

I don't want to alarm you... but you say that you have gone from seeing him once a week to once every 6 weeks... she has the utmost influence over him right now and can turn that into 6 months or even 6 years. It happens. There are psycho bitch daughter in laws out there... but I don't recommend approaching her like 'oh you psycho bitch daughter in law, wtf is your problem' because that can really put you on the fast track to the every 6 months or 6 years visitation schedule.

Like I said, this is a slippery slope, tread very carefully. Discuss the potential pitfalls with your husband and get some professional advice. The way I deal with everything is head on, full confrontation. I might take my son aside and express my concerns - but I do NOT recommend YOU do that. It could backfire. I don't know this girl, I don't know your son's personality or anything about their relationship.

I do know that for the next year or so I'd just leave them alone and mostly ignore them no matter what, just because she's still in the process of cleaving him unto him and that's best just left alone. I am forever grateful that the first 3 years of my marriage was spent on the other side of the country from my parents and inlaws. It created a very strong foundation for us and made it so that I COULD open up with my (in your words haha) bitch of a mother in law and encourage my husband to go to her, be with her, and not feel at all threatened by her insanity.

But mostly - don't listen to me!!! lol

 

[chemgirl]

Playing devil's advocate here...

It might be easier to approach this by thinking that she's a reasonable person (she's not acting like one, but maybe?) and that something happened long before the wedding to colour her opinion of you. I'm not saying she's right, but maybe little innocent things were misinterpreted. Maybe you've given advice to be helpful, but she sees it as butting in? Something like that. Your son probably knows exactly what the problem is.

I agree that her behaviour seems really out there, I'm just hoping that there's some common ground and you two can be on better terms.

 

[somethingshiny]

Ditto chemgirl.

And, as much as it would bother any mother to have her son kind of taken from her, that does say how committed he is to marriage (which is a good thing.) His highest priority SHOULD be his wife even if she's crazy. Unfortunately, it's causing hurt feelings for your family in many ways. I'd play nice for a while and see if she gets over it.

Also, besides having a possible previous opinion of your character, she could have a drama queen in her family who always was "sick" and that was the first thing that popped into her head. In that case, she has to learn to trust you and it could take a while.

 

[lyra]

I'm sorry you went through this. Like you, I had to try very hard to form a relationship with my MIL, so I understand how hurtful this can be. I suggest that you speak to her directly, just for the sake of giving her the opportunity to speak her mind and acknowledge that you felt bad about her feeling hurt. I do understand your point of view, but I think it would be harder for her to keep complaining when you are outwardly trying to be friendly to her. Does that make sense? It seems the opposite of what you feel like doing maybe, but if your son sees you trying, maybe it will make him realize who really has the problem. Then again, I think a lot of men hate confrontation and will simply avoid it--which may be what leads to him not visiting. He knows his wife will have issues (her problem, not yours) and he doesn't want to get caught in the middle and have to get blasted when he gets home. I hope over time the situation improves. Take care.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Ditto chemgirl.

And, as much as it would bother any mother to have her son kind of taken from her, that does say how committed he is to marriage (which is a good thing.) His highest priority SHOULD be his wife even if she's crazy. Unfortunately, it's causing hurt feelings for your family in many ways. I'd play nice for a while and see if she gets over it.

Also, besides having a possible previous opinion of your character, she could have a drama queen in her family who always was "sick" and that was the first thing that popped into her head. In that case, she has to learn to trust you and it could take a while.

excellent point - it could be HER mother too based on her reaction to you wanting to meet her mom.

 

[chemgirl]

Also, I think in her place I would be really PO'ed that my husband repeated things I'd said about my MIL. She's probably emberassed to talk to you at this point.

 

[iLander]

::sigh:: I just read your last post... I don't want to say anything more about this other than maybe counseling. The girl has issues and I would HATE for it to result in you losing your son.

That's kind of scary, , what do you mean?

I don't want to alarm you... but you say that you have gone from seeing him once a week to once every 6 weeks... she has the utmost influence over him right now and can turn that into 6 months or even 6 years. It happens. There are psycho bitch daughter in laws out there... but I don't recommend approaching her like 'oh you psycho bitch daughter in law, wtf is your problem' because that can really put you on the fast track to the every 6 months or 6 years visitation schedule.

Like I said, this is a slippery slope, tread very carefully. Discuss the potential pitfalls with your husband and get some professional advice. The way I deal with everything is head on, full confrontation. I might take my son aside and express my concerns - but I do NOT recommend YOU do that. It could backfire. I don't know this girl, I don't know your son's personality or anything about their relationship.

I do know that for the next year or so I'd just leave them alone and mostly ignore them no matter what, just because she's still in the process of cleaving him unto him and that's best just left alone. I am forever grateful that the first 3 years of my marriage was spent on the other side of the country from my parents and inlaws. It created a very strong foundation for us and made it so that I COULD open up with my (in your words haha) bitch of a mother in law and encourage my husband to go to her, be with her, and not feel at all threatened by her insanity.

But mostly - don't listen to me!!! lol

I think this sounds very true. I've looked up controlling personalities, and I think this has a lot to do with her. She seems to want to drive a wedge between my son and the people he cares about. Why would someone BE this mean?

 

[iLander]

Playing devil's advocate here...

It might be easier to approach this by thinking that she's a reasonable person (she's not acting like one, but maybe?) and that something happened long before the wedding to colour her opinion of you. I'm not saying she's right, but maybe little innocent things were misinterpreted. Maybe you've given advice to be helpful, but she sees it as butting in? Something like that. Your son probably knows exactly what the problem is.

I agree that her behaviour seems really out there, I'm just hoping that there's some common ground and you two can be on better terms.

I think I will ask my son what EXACTLY did I do?

 

[iLander]

iLander - I just read your last post. First of all, huge hugs to you. It must be so trying, I just can't imagine.

Honestly, from your last post, I would say that nothing you do will ever go right with your DIL. Treat her kindly when you meet her but don't go out of your way to bond with her or have one on one time, etc. She won't appreciate it and will only give her more fodder to bad talk you.

I wish I had some advice about how to get close to your son again, but I don't. I just feel a lot for you and your DH.

Thank you, LD,

I'm starting to feel that you're right. Maybe you just can't please all the people . . .

 

[Asu]

My first though was that maybe her mother is a very manipulative person,that play nice but put her nose everywhere and try to take people to do everything she want with everything she can,like playing ill,being overly nice and putting pressure,etc..So maybe when she saw you being so nice to her from the beginning,trying to hang out with her,hugging her,maybe she tought you are similar to her mother.the reason why I think it's something about her mom is because of their reaction to you wanting to meet her.
I know my MIL is this kind of person,so I can relate.She can be REALLY nice,and if I need anything,usually I can count on her.But at the same time,I try to avoid it,'cause I know any contact I make,will result in her carefully and appartently casually putting her nose everywhere about our relationship,her "casually" hurting me alluding to our difficulties on having children,her reminding me how inadeguate I am,and so on.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

I have no words of wisdom But I'll take you as my MIL!

 

[blueiris]

[quote="iLander

I think this sounds very true. I've looked up controlling personalities, and I think this has a lot to do with her. She seems to want to drive a wedge between my son and the people he cares about. Why would someone BE this mean?[/quote]

Not saying this is what she "has", but look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I've had to deal with someone who has this and it was very difficult. It was all about his needs and his wants and his feelings. He was very manipulative, and punishing when he didn't get his way.

Your DIL sounds possessive and one reason for that can be insecurity. Maybe as time goes on, she'll feel more secure and less "threatened" by you (though I'm sure you weren't threatening; it's just that she may have perceived it that way), and she will be able to see things more clearly. As for now, I have no advice other than to tread carefully and keep in mind that you want to preserve a relationship with your son and her.

 

[chemgirl]

Playing devil's advocate here...

It might be easier to approach this by thinking that she's a reasonable person (she's not acting like one, but maybe?) and that something happened long before the wedding to colour her opinion of you. I'm not saying she's right, but maybe little innocent things were misinterpreted. Maybe you've given advice to be helpful, but she sees it as butting in? Something like that. Your son probably knows exactly what the problem is.

I agree that her behaviour seems really out there, I'm just hoping that there's some common ground and you two can be on better terms.

I think I will ask my son what EXACTLY did I do?

I mean I can't picture her just saying "I don't like your mom, lets avoid her." I'm sure she has some reasons that she's discussed with him. You probably didn't do one thing that really offended her. There are probably little things that were interpreted differently than you intended them. She also might have had things happen in her past that cause her to think this way. However, sticking up for his wife is one thing; not calling you after the wedding to make sure you were ok is entirely different. There must have been something that caused him to do that. She must have talked to him about whatever her issues are.

ETA: I'm working on the assumption that she's not purposely manipulative and trying to drive a wedge between you and your son. I think seeing is as a misunderstanding is the only way to possibly fix it. The other alternatives put you against a brick wall and I hope that's not the case.