Post by MissAva » July 22nd, 2005, 1:07 pm

 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he''d found a cat, but it was dead.  

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. 

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn''t move," answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?"    the  teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know,"explained the boy, "I  leaned over and went ''Pssst!'' and it didn''t move."   

2. A small  boy is sent to bed by his father. 

Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."


"I''m thirsty. Can you  bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."  

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."


"I''m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you  ask  again, I''ll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad...."


"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"     




3. An  exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him:  

"How do you expect to get into Heaven?" 

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I''ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ''For Heaven''s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''"  


4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" 

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.  "I can''t  dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy''s room."

A long silence  was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

"The  big sissy."  


5. It  was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children''s sermon.   


All  the children were invited to come forward.

One  little girl was  wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat  down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty  dress. Is it your  Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the  pastor''s clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it''s a  bitch to iron."


6. When I  was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room. 

I was just getting ready to get into  the shower. She  said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I  replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."  

"I know," she replied, but what''s growing in your butt?"    


7. A  little boy was doing his math homework. 

He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that  son  of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying  and  gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I''m  doing  my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher  taught you  to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.  

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are  you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied,  "Right  now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And  are you  teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch  is four?" 

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,  "What I taught  them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." 

8. One day  the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little  tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is  falling!" 

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what  do you think  that farmer said?" 

One little girl raised her  hand and said, "I think he said: ''Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''" 

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.  

9. A  certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,  

"I''m Mr. Sugarbrown''s daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong,  she must say, "I''m Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren''t you Mr. Sugarbrown''s daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I''m not."


10. A  little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the  boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can''t play with the boys, they''re too  rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" 






Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone   else!!


Courage is the price that life extracts for granting peace

Most of the change we think we see in life is due to truths being in and out of favor.