Growing up

[Autumnovember]

HI!

So, as many of you know I'm one of the babies on PS (24). I lurk a lot more than I post because I'm busy finishing up my final semester of a grueling accelerated BSN program (degree number two).

Anyways, I've been thinking A LOT lately. About a lot of things.

I've been in school for every consecutive month since I have been 17 and never really had a REAL job.


To be honest, I'm scared. Really, really, scared. Maybe of the unknown above all.

I have no idea what it's like to pay bills and to be a responsible adult and to work 40+ hours a week at a job thats rewarding but also very difficult emotionally and physically.

It doesn't help that my husband works a demanding job and all of my closest friends are in the medical field and come home from work on many days exhausted and hating life.

I'm afraid of hating my job and being unhappy and while my future job has endless possibilities....it's still...scary.

I don't really know where I'm going with this but I guess I would just like advice of any kind. Advice on how to adjust, maybe.

It also doesn't help that I feel like even though nurses are very much in demand in many area's - they're not in mine, ESPECIALLY new graduate RN's. I feel like I'll never find a job and thats really stressing me out. I know I'll probably have to work in an area that I don't like the first year and suck it up but I don't even know what it's like to dedicate weekends to work!

I also live in 3 different places and I still have no clue where my job will be! It's a million things.

I've finally come to the point where I'm nervous about growing up.

A big reason (and perhaps not the right one) that I went into this field is because I want my husband to work less and to also be able to help out my parents as much as I can and I think that pressure and stress is getting to me too.

Not only that but I know in a year, I'll be back in school to become a nurse practitioner (for the same reason as above).

Advice, experiences, and over-all support is probably what I need most right now. I know that I can home here at any time to get that.

P.S. I think it's important to point out that I absolutely do not want children at all for another 3+ years so the focus right now is on me, my husband, and my family.

P.P.S. I have NO idea what kind of nursing I want to get into and I'm hoping it reveals itself to me in the future. I guess I just expected to know and get an idea from nursing school and the rotations I have done but nothing stood out to me. Not even what I originally thought would be the perfect fit for me!

 

[Miss Sparkly]

The only thing I can say is that you never stop growing up. I'm 25 and have been married (6.5 yrs), recently divorced, owned a house, sold a house, climed the career ladder and have felt like I would never make it to the next day. That it is too scary or too hard. But, I always made it. Almost always with tears in my eyes - either of frustration, sadness, happiness or sheer amazement that I am stronger than I often realize. I've learned that while it is good to have a general plan for the future the future changes often and in an instant. Take each day as it comes and you will live a happier and less stressful life. Have faith in yourself and know that no matter what a plan can be made and something can be worked out. We are all stronger than we realize.

 

[decodelighted]

Interesting! This is a path one of my other sister took. And, looking back, it was one of the most fun times of her life HONESTLY! She made a lot of new friends & was still free enough to have an active social life & was kinda the hot new nurse on the block! HA! She, too, ended up going back to school to be an NP & now has 2 kids. I'd say -- relax into things. If you don't like a job - it's only temporary! Concentrate on making new friends that can help you place as an NP down the line (or even go to NP school with!) My sister ended up meeting another nurse & went through school together & are still best friends today!

Good luck. You're gonna be fine!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I realized that I always spent time worrying about the next stage of my life, that I was never fully present or able to enjoy the stage I was currently in. I did this my ENTIRE life. In the last few years I have really tried to enjoy today without doubting my past or worrying about my future. Naturally, this is difficult for a chronic projecting, but not impossible. I am currently back in school and do not allow myself to stress about the huge test I have to take in April (2nd out of 3), the conference I am presenting at in 10 days, finding a job, getting my work done, etc. I literally deal with life one week at a time. I do not do well last minute so I try to do the majority, if not all, my school work the weekend before it is due. I do have a small child, so I have to plan ahead. This helps me because stress paralyzes me.

Growing up sucks in some ways but finding a career I am passionate about, good at, is SO rewarding. I would never want to go back to high school! I have faith that everything will fall into place. I will get a job on the timeline things are meant to be. I am a spiritual person which helps my fear based thinking. Fear is faith that hasn't said its prayers so I spent a lot of time turning my fear over and concentrating on what is right in front of me. One day at a time.

 

[Enerchi]

Autumnnovember - the right job will come to you. If you are in an area where it is hard to find jobs -take the first thing you can and you may just find that it has happened for a reason. In nursing, the more experience the better. There are no 'bad' rotations -just ones you don't know enough about yet.

If you know you'll be heading for your NP in a year, and your new job (where ever you end up) sucks, it is only for a year. There will be something worthwhile from it that will be helpful.

Just a warning tho - and it's been YEARS since my hospital days - but "old" nurses tend to be notorious, as the expression goes, for "eating their young" (that being the new nurses). Hopefully that won't happen where you are, but I've just heard some crappy stories from new hospital grads... Could you get to a trainee position in public health? Not sure if you are in Canada or US but where I am in Ontario, they do offer trainee roles for new grads in public health. Worth checking out...

Good luck!

 

[monarch64]

I think you're expecting a LOT from yourself, and that is great on one hand, but on the other hand it can send you into this sort of panic and worry that isn't necessarily healthy either. Growing up is all about experiencing life as it comes and learning lessons from it. No one expects you to make all the right choices all the time. You don't have to know exactly what you want to do right out of school, and even if you do and you don't end up doing what you thought at one time you would do, it's not the end of the world. If everything went according to plan (assuming we all had the "right" plan at 17-18!), how would you ever grow up, let alone grow as a person? Just be aware (I know you already are) that changes occur when we least expect them, and that while life never gets easier, the experiences you will have will give you the skills you need to keep coping with changes throughout the rest of your journey. You'll do great!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I think you're expecting a LOT from yourself, and that is great on one hand, but on the other hand it can send you into this sort of panic and worry that isn't necessarily healthy either. Growing up is all about experiencing life as it comes and learning lessons from it. No one expects you to make all the right choices all the time. You don't have to know exactly what you want to do right out of school, and even if you do and you don't end up doing what you thought at one time you would do, it's not the end of the world. If everything went according to plan (assuming we all had the "right" plan at 17-18!), how would you ever grow up, let alone grow as a person? Just be aware (I know you already are) that changes occur when we least expect them, and that while life never gets easier, the experiences you will have will give you the skills you need to keep coping with changes throughout the rest of your journey. You'll do great!

Yes, you are expecting a lot from yourself. Also, you're already thinking of terms of making money to support not only yourself, but your marriage and your parents with part of your income, which could lead you to picking the wrong nursing position due to the pay. Maybe relax a bit and try and think beyond those terms and look for a job that you think will make you feel rewarded on an emotional level rather than one that will bring in the bucks. Take some time and explore different options before settling into your first 'real' job! You're young and have time to experience different types of nursing and you don't want to burn yourself out before you're 30.

When I graduated, I found a lower paying job but one that provided enough to pay the bills and got my own apartment and was able to take care of basic needs and have a bit of fun money, but I did VERY much cut back on unnecessaries for a few years so I could concentrate on figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. I ended up NOT liking my job and was able to switch to another profession because I hadn't locked myself into a high/fancy lifestyle (and I was younger than you at that point...around 22ish).

 

[radiantquest]

I used to be a worry wart, so much that if I wasn't worried about something, I was worried that I was forgetting to worry about something. Silly, I know. I have since figured out that worrying isn't planning and no matter how much I stress myself with worry it will not change things. When there are so many uncertainties it is easy to feel overwhelmed, but you will get to where you want to be.

I have a thought about life

20s are for building the things you will need in life
30s are for putting all the pieces together
40s are for realizing exactly who and where you are and where you still want to go
50s+ finally getting to enjoy all that you have worked so hard for

I try to enjoy all aspects of life, but have realized I cant expect to have at 30 what isn't ready until 50

 

[nkarma]

Radiantquest....I love your list of what you do in each decade.

If I could go back and advise myself 6+years ago when I was starting my career out of college, I would have said:

"You weren't supposed to learn anything applicable in college, it is now that you are learning it. Pay attention and ask questions. You should not already know everything. Give yourself time to grow and learn. Embrace what makes you unique and helps your patients/employer/etc and congratulate yourself for struggling to learn everyday. Never ever compare yourself to your coworkers. They have many more years of experience then you do or if they are at the same level are just figuring things out as much as you are. Do get and keep mentors. Follow their advice."

My maturity doubled every 2 years in my 20s. I am 29. Early twenties are such a great time to grow but I am not sure I would want to go back to the constant feelings of conscious incompetence. Just know what that it is okay not to know everything and learn as you go.

 

[missy]

Autumn, congratulations on achieving all you have so far and on your career path. That is something to be proud of and will serve you well in the future. You have the skills you need and have laid the groundwork for a successful future with all your hard work!

Like you, I am a worrier and one thing I have learned over the years is that worrying can be helpful or can be a waste of good energy depending on the worry. It's good if it allows you to plan for alternate scenarios/actions should something happen but it's bad if it is needless worry where there is nothing you can do to alter the possible outcome. So my first piece of advice is to only allow yourself constructive worry for a short amount of time per week and then no worrying allowed!

Life goes so fast and as other posters have mentioned it is so important to live in the moment and be present so you can enjoy every moment of life. If you project into the future all the time you are not living in the here and now and experiencing your life as it happens right this very moment.

As for the growing up part not sure that ever totally happens. I still don't feel like a "grownup". I still feel like me but with more responsibilities and that's a good thing but I am not sure what a grownup is supposed to feel like. Just remember that you are not alone and you have your dh and othr people who love you so when it feels all a bit overwhelming take a deep breath and talk it out. It will all work out. Best wishes!!

 

[Autumnovember]

I've read everything and will respond tonight - finishing up some work right now!

 

[amc80]

A big reason (and perhaps not the right one) that I went into this field is because I want my husband to work less and to also be able to help out my parents as much as I can and I think that pressure and stress is getting to me too.

Kids should never have to be stressed due to worrying about taking care of their parents. That's just not fair. I would be really upset and probably embarrassed if my (future) kids felt that way. I am having kids so they can live and enjoy their lives, not worry about taking care of me. I know it may be cultural, but still...it's not your job to take care of your parents. If you want to, great...but don't do so at the expense of your sanity, happiness, or marriage.

 

[Echidna]

As for the growing up part not sure that ever totally happens. I still don't feel like a "grownup". I still feel like me but with more responsibilities and that's a good thing but I am not sure what a grownup is supposed to feel like. Just remember that you are not alone and you have your dh and othr people who love you so when it feels all a bit overwhelming take a deep breath and talk it out. It will all work out. Best wishes!!

I agree with this! I'm 29 this year and I still say to people, "When I grow up, I'm going to..." Obviously I don't mean that literally, but it's just the same me inside my head since the day my brain matured. When DH and I talk about having kids, I almost feel like laughing- isn't that something ADULTS do?! I'm not responsible enough to be someone's mother

With regards to looking after your parents, I can empathise somewhat. The way I think of such situations is that you do the best you can at the time with the resources and information you have. That's all you can do! I'm sure they will think that's enough.

 

[lyra]

Ultimately life is about learning to adapt to different situations that come your way. There are so many things that happen that are beyond your control. Have a plan and be willing to, and expect to have to make changes along the way. You can get through anything in life just one day at a time. You'll do fine!

 

[sparklyheart]

AutumnNovember,
I feel your pain because I was (kind of) in your shoes 6 years ago!! Somewhere in my nursing school journey I decided I really wanted to be a NICU nurse so I got my first job there.. It definitely wasn't what I thought.. I ended up getting a job through a friend and it was the best decision I made.

Being an "adult" and paying bills and being OUT OF SCHOOL is the greatest!! Especially if you can get a nursing job where you work 3 days a week. There is so much free time to do whatever you want to do that it's ridiculous.. I enjoyed every second! Also, once you get into your job and start orientation, there is a HUGE learning curve.. but just wait for that moment when you "get it" and it will all be worth it.

Then I went back to school after 1 1/2 years of working as a nurse.. At that point, the most important thing about my job was that I had one.. It was rough and it wore me out... but at the end of the day I had a stable job with decent coworkers, good hours, and I was somewhat comfortable in that role. I couldn't imagine started a new job while going to NP school...

After NP school, I took a job I swore I would never take because I just didn't think it was what I wanted.. Again, it ended up being the best decision (maybe I should stop listening to my gut?!).. It is stable, I have great coworkers, amazing hours, and I'm challenged daily...but not to the point of pulling out my hair.

Anyways, the point of all of this is that you need to think outside the box with jobs.. If you plan on going onto NP school, the important thing is that you get experience.. If you want to work with adults, go work anywhere with adults.. kids, go work anywhere with kids.. You will get a wide variety of experiences in NP school so your specific background may not matter when you get out.

As for getting a job as a new grad, it is tough out there... BUT places are hiring. At least in my hospital, they are kind of at a point where everyone is so young that they are trying to find more experienced nurses.. Luckily for the new grads, the experienced nurses haven't always worked out so well. This past January was the first time in awhile that they started hiring large groups of new grads.

Depending on the area you live in, your BSN will get you far. When I first started out 6 years ago, Associates vs Bachelors wasn't a big deal but now it seems hospitals in my area are only hiring BSNs... Not saying it's right or wrong, just how it is.

So this has been really long.. but basically, put yourself out there and apply for any job you think there is a CHANCE you could like.. And remember, the interview is a chance for you to figure out if you like the job.. not just for them to figure out if they like you. Do the hours work with your life? Will they change your hours at the drop of a hat? Is the pay acceptable? What is the workload? What is the orientation? Have other people gone through orientation without problems or do they need extensions? How involved is the manager in your daily life? Why are people leaving the position? Are they supportive of you going back to school?

Good luck with all of this and I know it's so stressful!! Put your best foot forward and you WILL get a job. After that just sit back and breathe.. don't get yourself too worked up about NP school yet. If you find that you are too stressed caring for your family and starting a new job then you may need to push it back a bit. I will say I finished undergrad and started grad school with many of the same people.. At 1 year we were nowhere near ready to go back to school but at 1 1/2 years we were.. Not sure what the difference was in that 6 months!!!

 

[Autumnovember]

Miss Sparkly - True, I agree that people never really stop growing up but I do feel like right now I'm REALLY "growing up" because of the responsibilities that I know I'll have to take on. Through everything it has taken for me to get here, I've been ok and I hope the same will be true for the future.

Deco - That gives me hope! I'm glad to hear your sister enjoyed the process and made some good friendships. I hate nursing school but I'm definitely thankful for the people I have met in the process. It has made it a lot easier and more bearable. It is temporary if I hate my job - it's just actually wrapping my mind around that still.

Tacori - I don't think I've always been a chronic worrier. I think I've always been more about taking a day at a time and dealing with things as they come but this time it's different for some reason. Probably because there is so much more unknown than I'm used to handling. I also have faith that things will fall into place if I really think about it but I think I need to trust my faith more.

Enerchi - I really hope that it does. I'm sure that at some point it will, I guess I am just hoping it is sooner than later so I can love what I do. Believe me, I know ALLLLLL about the nurses that like to 'eat their young.' I've met too many, unfortunately. I'll have to learn how to deal with those kinds of nurses and nasty doctors - clinical with some of these individuals has helped prepare me a little

Monnie - Agreed. I am definitely expecting a lot from myself because I have some serious goals in sight so I can't picture *not* expecting a lot. I will say though, I do panic sometimes but I never let myself forget what life is really about for me and what it means to enjoy it and not get in over my head.

I'll respond to more tomorrow!

But really quick - ame - my parents and I have never talked about me taking care of them or helping them out, its a choice I made a long time ago that I'd go through with. By helping out, I don't necessarily mean financially either but my job and the money I make will allow me to care for them in the way that I want to, if you know what I mean.

Coming back tomorrow afternoon to respond to the rest!

 

[Dandi]

The beauty of nursing is that there are sooooooo many fields you can specialise in. If you don't like the position you end up in, move on and try something else! I jumped around between ICU, EMD, paediatrics, surgical and medical ward nursing, and have finally dug myself into a happy little rut in the OT. As for the responsibility and all the rest, it will just come. Don't stress.

 

[QueenB29]

First, take a deep breath.

Second, I don't know anything about nursing or medicine, but I do know something about hating your first job and I think it's totally normal. In fact, I don't know a single person who liked their first job out of school. The thing about first jobs is that you're the most junior person there, and people give you the tasks they hate and couldn't wait to dump on someone new. Also, I think first jobs are just as much about learning about yourself and your working style and what you want in life as they are about gaining actual work experience.

And this is said as someone who scored a coveted and very competitive slot at a fancy international PR agency right out of school 8 years ago. I thought it was going to be glamorous and fun and exciting, and it was all of those things and I was miserable. I learned very quickly that it was exactly what I didn't want to do in life. And that's fine. It taught me what I wanted/didn't want in job #2 and job #2 taught me what I wanted/didn't want in job #3 and now, in job #3.5 (same place as job #3, but with a different job description), I'm doing something that I LOVE.

I'm a very firm believer that things work out the way that they're supposed to, and that we make the decisions we're supposed to make at the time. For example, I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for that first job that I hated.

 

[decodelighted]

Iworrying isn't planning

I thought this deserved it's own special little place in the thread -- AGAIN! Not because Autumn November needs to hear it -- but because it's brilliant. Haven't heard it put quite like that before. SO TRUE.

 

[soocool]

AN, I have a friend who is now 55 who somewhat went through what you are going through when she was in her mid 20s. Her father was burned over 70% of his body and she left school for a short time to help the family.She returned to school and found that what she was studying no longer interested her. She then worked retail for a little bit and went back to school to study nursing (Rutgers School of Nursing in Newark - not too far from where you are going I believe). She got her degree at around age 26, worked at Overlook (in ICU - crazy hours) in Summit, NJ and she felt so overwhelmed. She quit her job and joined the Air Force. She later settled in Texas and is still a nurse, now pursuing her PhD and teaches now instead of practicing. She is married with 2 step kids and 4 grandkids. While she loved being a practicing nurse, she loves teaching more and being a mentor to nursing students and she tells them always to take time for themselves and don't try to do more than they are capable of.

Is there a teacher who can become your mentor and help you go through all these feelings? I know my friend has made a difference in the lives of many of her students as I always see the great comments she gets on FB.

 

[Autumnovember]

MC - You're right. I already know that long-term I'm not going to settle for something I hate doing, regardless of the cost. I value loving my job more than the $$, so I guess for the time being I need to just focus on getting a job, period.

Radiant Quest - Great list! Makes a lot of sense to me and definitely makes me feel better about everything. Thank you!

nkarma - Really good points. I think BECAUSE I feel like I know nothing, I get nervous. It doesn't help when I can't answer questions my professor asks me on the spot in clinical. I know that the learning is only going to begin once I finish school in April. At the same time, I'm excited to gain confidence and REALLY learn and apply what I've learned at my future job. I definitely have to stop comparing myself because I do it now with other students and it drives me insane. I know my strengths and weaknesses and hope to just grow from them.

Missy - I agree with you completely - I worry during the week about things that I need to but I shove it into a little corner when the weekend comes. I need to put aside the general worries too because I only really do that with my school work as opposed to everything. It'll take time to get used to that but I'll follow your advice and do it.

Echidna - Oh trust me, I laugh too hahahaha...absolutely not ready for anything like that at all. Wow. I could break out in a sweat just thinking about it! My parent's don't know yet about my 'plans' so we'll see how it eventually works out!

Lyra - Very, very true. I think at first I'm pretty bad with adapting and then eventually it turns out ok. I've had a bunch of different situations happen in the last 5 years that I didn't think would and have eventually adapted to the circumstances but I have a very difficult time at first.

sparklyheart - Great to have another nurse chime in! I did a rotation on NICU and oh man, not for me. It's soooooooo good to hear that being out of school is awesome. I think part of the problem is that I hear from many how "work sucks, blah blah" or "just wait till you start working and you'll see what REAL life is," is whats scaring me! Personally, I have been dyyyyyying to be done with school for so long now. I can't WAIT to make money and be able to just do what I want on my days off without worrying about school. DH and I always come to the same conclusion about why working is a bit better than school: you don't bring it home with you, once you're done work for the day, you're done (not every job but ours are that way). I definitely would love to get a job working 3 days a week (talk about a serious wake up call though! 12 hour shifts....OUCH). Thank you for the advice about thinking outside the box, maybe thats really what I need to do at this point to find what I like, maybe I'll venture into areas that I was previously opposed to and end up loving it like you did! I do hope my BSN will get me SOMEWHERE but I'm not gonna lie - I feel like it isn't going to get me far. Everything feels so saturated but you're right, only BSN's are being hired here too. Thanks so much for the advice, I will absolutely keep it in mind! I'm in Philly btw!

DandiAndi - True! Except I need to get hired first

QueenB - Ahh...I think I just need to accept the fact that I probably won't like my first job but life will go on! I'll suck it up for the time that I have to do it like everyone else has! "Also, I think first jobs are just as much about learning about yourself and your working style and what you want in life as they are about gaining actual work experience." - That's a really good way to look at it. I need to keep that in mind at all times.

Soocool - Thank you for sharing the story! I always wanted to teach, maybe someday I'll do that too I do have some professors I have become close with but not anyone that I think could be a consistent mentor

 

[Porridge]

Great advice in this thread!

All I have to add is that when you start work, you are going to feel like a total idiot. That's because really, you know nothing.

I'm not saying that to scare you, I'm saying it to remind you that on those days that you worry because you don't know something, just try to remember that you're not supposed to know it, that you're there to learn and that everyone feels/felt the same way.

When I turned 25 my mum wrote two pieces of great advice in my birthday card as part of my present:
1) This is as grown-up as you're ever going to feel. We're all just big kids acting like adults.
2) If you don't feel it, fake it. Nobody will know the difference.

 

[nkarma]

Great advice in this thread!

When I turned 25 my mum wrote two pieces of great advice in my birthday card as part of my present:
1) This is as grown-up as you're ever going to feel. We're all just big kids acting like adults.
2) If you don't feel it, fake it. Nobody will know the difference.

I love your mom's advice Porridge. So true!

 

[iLander]

Honey, you'll be fine.

Look around, do any of these people Really seem any smarter/brighter/more together than you?

Do it; look around while you're waiting in traffic.

No, of course they're not any smarter. Those dorks are doing just fine. And you'll be fine.

Everything will be okay.

Hugs