Did I handle this correctly?

[jordyonbass]

Hey guys,

So I need a moral compass on something I have done. As someone who doesn't have children but is looking after a teenager, I have handled a social situation for her and am wondering if I did so in the correct manner.

Long story short, my wife's little sister lives with us and has been having issues with another girl over a boy. At 4am this morning I got woken up by a text from the other girl with derogatory terms regarding my wife's sister as well as threats. I wasn't wanting to get involved in the teenager stuff however I was very annoyed about getting woken up and what I was being messaged about.

My wife's sister was awake at the time and sent me a screenshot of the other girl's mother's profile and her phone number after I told my wife's sis what was going on. My response was sending that info to the girl who messaged me with the following:

'Oh hi mom - give me one good reason why I shouldn't call her right now?'

Do you guys think I have gone about this the right way? I don't want to freak anyone out at all but I had been woken up with nasty messages containing threats and responded as best as I could while still being half asleep and very agitated.
Should I have not responded and called her mother at 4.30am?
Should I call her mother during a respectable hour?

Help, I have been thrown in the deep end with this teenage parenting thing and my brain doesn't work properly in the wee hours of the morning!

 

[ruby59]

If it had been me, I would have waited for a respectable hour and called the mother on the phone to discuss it

IMO do not go down to someone else's bad behavior but say true to your own higher standards.

I raised two girls. Unless they were being threatened I stayed out of the teenage chaos.

But you might want to get to know her friends a bit to make sure she is hanging around with the right crowd.

 

[jordyonbass]

If it had been me, I would have waited for a respectable hour and called the mother on the phone to discuss it

IMO do not go down to someone else's bad behavior but say true to your own higher standards.

I raised two girls. Unless they were being threatened I stayed out of the teenage chaos.

But you might want to get to know her friends a bit to make sure she is hanging around with the right crowd.

We've been trying to check that and we have been a little concerned, however it is hard to tell her what to do when she is not our child. She can be quite stubborn sometimes!

I wouldn't have replied at all if there wasn't any threats made, however I remember what it was like for other kids when their parents got in touch with other parents and I don't want to destroy her social life completely. This parent stuff is hard and I am not a parent yet!!

 

[missy]

Jordy, I am a little bit confused. Why is this girl texting you? How did she get your number and what does she hope to gain by texting you? Sorry if I am being a bit dense. And I am sorry you and your sister in law are dealing with this. I hope it can be peacefully and successfully resolved. Teenagers. Oh boy.

 

[jordyonbass]

Jordy, I am a little bit confused. Why is this girl texting you? How did she get your number and what does she hope to gain by texting you? Sorry if I am being a bit dense. And I am sorry you and your sister in law are dealing with this. I hope it can be peacefully and successfully resolved. Teenagers. Oh boy.

She has been sending me messages via FB messenger, I am not entirely sure what her goal was but she said some nasty stuff and made threat, it's basically all about a boy.
She has since blocked me so I think I may have scared her a little.

I hope it can get resolved too, I didn't get the dozen or so years of pre-teen parental training!

 

[missy]

Jordy, I am a little bit confused. Why is this girl texting you? How did she get your number and what does she hope to gain by texting you? Sorry if I am being a bit dense. And I am sorry you and your sister in law are dealing with this. I hope it can be peacefully and successfully resolved. Teenagers. Oh boy.

She has been sending me messages via FB messenger, I am not entirely sure what her goal was but she said some nasty stuff and made threats. It's basically all about a boy.

I hope it can get resolved too, I didn't get the dozen or so years of pre-teen parental training!

It is not appropriate for her to text you about this at any time of the day. IDK what the law is on cyber bullying but this (what this girl is doing to you and your SIL) sounds awfully close to that.

I would first try coaching your SIL on how to handle it herself (how old is your SIL?) before getting involved and I would make it clear to this other girl not to text or contact you any further.

What about this boy? Does he know about this? What is your SIL doing about this? I hope she isn't sending equally inflammatory texts to this girl or her family.

I am sorry Jordy! This sucks and over a boy. The boy needs to man up and tell off this other girl if she is indeed the aggressor but I know there are lots of details we don't know so it is hard to give the best advice.

Good luck and sending good thoughts and dust your and your SIL's way for a peaceful resolution. Tell her no boy is worth it!

 

[jordyonbass]

Jordy, I am a little bit confused. Why is this girl texting you? How did she get your number and what does she hope to gain by texting you? Sorry if I am being a bit dense. And I am sorry you and your sister in law are dealing with this. I hope it can be peacefully and successfully resolved. Teenagers. Oh boy.

She has been sending me messages via FB messenger, I am not entirely sure what her goal was but she said some nasty stuff and made threats. It's basically all about a boy.

I hope it can get resolved too, I didn't get the dozen or so years of pre-teen parental training!

It is not appropriate for her to text you about this at any time of the day. IDK what the law is on cyber bullying but this (what this girl is doing to you and your SIL) sounds awfully close to that.

I would first try coaching your SIL on how to handle it herself (how old is your SIL?) before getting involved and I would make it clear to this other girl not to text or contact you any further.

What about this boy? Does he know about this? What is your SIL doing about this? I hope she isn't sending equally inflammatory texts to this girl or her family.

I am sorry Jordy! This sucks and over a boy. The boy needs to man up and tell off this other girl if she is indeed the aggressor but I know there are lots of details we don't know so it is hard to give the best advice.

Good luck and sending good thoughts and dust your and your SIL's way for a peaceful resolution. Tell her no boy is worth it!

SIL has been avoiding her for the most part and has not contacted anyone from her family, she wouldn't do that at all (she is 17 years old,. She is actually more likely to come to me with this sort of issue as we are very close, which is why I am wondering if I handled it right as she never said anything. But then again I did ask SIL if she could give me the details for the girl's morher and she did so she may have been telling me at the same time she needs help but not in as many words.

I don't think she has spoken to the boy yet as it is still a bit early in the day but I will ask her to say something to him. I don't want to intrude on the kid's social lives too much so I am thinking the best thing to do from here will be to try get her to handle what she can from here and if I need to contact parents then I have details.

 

[kenny]

If her 'threats' refer to crimes I'd contact the police, because she needs more than a text from you that scares her into blocking you.

 

[jordyonbass]

If her 'threats' refer to crimes I'd contact the police, because she needs more than a text from you that scares her into blocking you.

She hasn't specifically referenced doing anything at all, more open threats like 'I am going to sort her out if you don't' although she is 15 so I don't think even she knows what her endgame is. When she said that I asked if that was a threat, to which she replied yes. Not long after that was when I sent the message showing I have her mother's contact details, I was still half asleep and very cranky at the time which is why I am now having this slight dilemma while wide awake and calm.

 

[ruby59]

If it had been me, I would have waited for a respectable hour and called the mother on the phone to discuss it

IMO do not go down to someone else's bad behavior but say true to your own higher standards.

I raised two girls. Unless they were being threatened I stayed out of the teenage chaos.

But you might want to get to know her friends a bit to make sure she is hanging around with the right crowd.

We've been trying to check that and we have been a little concerned, however it is hard to tell her what to do when she is not our child. She can be quite stubborn sometimes!

I wouldn't have replied at all if there wasn't any threats made, however I remember what it was like for other kids when their parents got in touch with other parents and I don't want to destroy her social life completely. This parent stuff is hard and I am not a parent yet!!

I do not know what you particular situation is but you need to sit down with the girl and her mother and mete out some rules for as long as she is staying with you. This would be for her safety as well as to have some order to your home.

You are her uncle, and if the mom felt comfortable enough for her to live with you then she needs to trust your judgment. It is important that the mom stand behind you 100% that your niece respect your rules.

I learned not to overthink things, but go by my gut. Things have not changed that much since you were a teenager. If it is a safety issue, nip it in the bud. Her social life is not as important as her getting hurt or worse.

Like I said, the most important thing I did with all my children was to get to know their friends and to see if there were any behaviors I needed to keep on top of.

 

[azstonie]

I taught high school for 12 years. That is where what I'm going to say to you comes from. There are no better manipulators than girls btw the ages of 12 and 18.

In answer to your question, No you did not handle this correctly but you can change that.

1. You are a respectable married adult man. You NEVER engage (texts, emails, phone calls, FB, Instagram NOTHING) with minor females. EVER.
And if you don't believe me on this, ask the local police, the girls father or her boyfriend, and ask your wife. What you DO with those texts is you copy the police on the "Is this a threat?/Yes" exchange. You tell the police you expect them to respond by at minimum a visit and interview on the record with the other girl and her parent/guardian. You expect to hear back from them immediately about their interview. You want a copy of the police report because you are going to forward that copy to the school so they are informed to keep these two as apart as possible during the school day.

You were pulled into this situation most likely by the other girl because it got boring and unrewarding with just your SIL involved. There's only so much that comes from back-and-forth between 2 girls. OR, if your SIL is 'mad' at you for ANY reason whatsoever, think about this because your SIL could also be manipulating you here. Most likely there is no way the other girl knew your schedule and what time would therefore be the most inappropriate and annoying to call you. She'd have had to have gotten that info from your SIL, right?

Bottom line: You only engage with other adults here---the police and school personnel. You have NO contacts with the girl, her family, her boyfriend, her neighbors, etc. That is the stuff of nasty rumors that you cannot afford as a respectable married man in your community.

Regarding your SIL---don't discuss this situation with her without your wife present. In fact, talk with your wife and have HER present whatever needs to be said. The last person laying down the law to your SIL should be you---it must be your wife. Yes, be present during the discussions, united front etc, but your wife is her sister and as such is the one to do the talking.

Every time you 'pick up the rope' in this situation, you've lost and the other girl and possibly your SIL too have 'won.' You must drop the rope in order to control this. There can't be a tug of war without two people pulling in opposite directions. For example, her 4 am text worked out AWESOME for her because you twitched and responded in a way that isn't productive for you.

Good luck with this Jordie, welcome to the wonderful world of teenage girls

 

[jordyonbass]

Thanks ruby and azstonie, a lot of food for thought. I have the other girl's mothers contact details and I am going to call her to let her know what happened and if I don't get a civil and constructive reaction then I will consider going to the police about it if thing's don't stop.

And Azstonie, I figure the other girl knows about my movements etc because they used to be friends. Obviously not anymore, my SIL said she has had enough and wants me to call her mother so that has alleviated my concerns about hurting SIL's social life.

I have a lot to learn when it comes to this teenager thing, I don't remember it being this complicated!! But then again I am not that complicated

 

[Bron357]

Hi, I Mum to a teenager. Firstly in relation to your response, you couldn't have "won". Doing nothing condones the action and might escalate the situation ie this naughty teenager is looking for a response, why else message an adult. Responding means to to the naughty girl "ha ha, I got your attention, I'm now important". So, as a parent I'd go with responding like you did.
Now the next hassle, will the mother of the naughty girl respond the way you hope?
The mother might be a nasty piece herself.
The naughty girl might tell her mother lies and put her mother into "attack mode". You as a man need to bow out before this happens.
Firstly explain to your wives sister what you are going to do. Explain that these situations are not uncommon because teen girls can get very emotional and act inappropriately and to not take anything to heart, hard as it is.
Get your wife to phone the mother - woman to woman. Get her to say not much more than "Hi, sorry for the intrusion and as xx adult sister I don't want to get involved with xx and your daughters teenage disagreement, but your daughter can't be sending nasty messages to my sister and she shouldn't be sending rude texts in the middle of the night to my husband.This type of thing is totally unacceptable. Continue to say I'm sure the two girls will sort out this upset over a boy eventually but in the meantime could you please ask your daughter to not send anymore nasty texts like " .... repeat something she sent.... " and certainly not be contacting me or my husband at all. I certainly don't want this to escalate to a situation where further action will be necessary (subtle implication that police might need to be informed) Thanks for your help with this.
Then, block this naughty girls number from your contacts and your wife's sister contacts.
Then have a talk with your wife's sister that it might take time but she needs to avoid, politely, interaction with this naughty girl. She needs to wait it out til the situation blows over or the naughty teen girl finds another person / event/ whatever to get all het up about. Remember Grace, politeness,dignity and humour. Yes humour. Rise above it in a modest, quiet way that way you don't inflame the situation.
Good luck, may the force be with you.

 

[Bron357]

Reading other replies, which I agree with, however, in Australia we are a bit more laid back I think. It might be "overkill" to involve the police at this stage. But as a man, it is best you step back.
I'd still say get your wife to sound out the naughty girls mother first, gauge her response.
If she is "on your side" yippee problem solved.
If not, you need to gather and keep all the evidence, start a diary ie date / this happened. Date / this happened.
Your SIL must keep your wife informed of all or any unpleasant interactions with naughty girl. Date / this happened.
Then you go to the police if it doesn't stop or gets worse.
Then you can show, yes, we tried to handle this nicely with the mum but we got no support from her and it continued / got worse. Show details/ records. Then the police handle it.

 

[kenny]

I realize this makes me an @sshole, but I have to say it.

I'm SOOOOOOO glad I don't have kids!!!!!!!!

 

[jordyonbass]

I realize this makes me an @sshole, but I have to say it.

I'm SOOOOOOO glad I don't have kids!!!!!!!!

Hey!!

I don't either but here I am in this situation, you're not off the hook that easily mate!!

 

[kenny]

I realize this makes me an @sshole, but I have to say it.

I'm SOOOOOOO glad I don't have kids!!!!!!!!

Hey!!

I don't either but here I am in this situation, you're not off the hook that easily mate!!

... but if my SO said anyone is going to come live with us I'd say NOPE!
I absolutely would end the relationship before I'd give in.

I DO wish you the best on all this though.
You're a mensch, and again, I'm a selfish A-hole.

I realize that someone has to populate the earth for tomorrow.

 

[jordyonbass]

I realize this makes me an @sshole, but I have to say it.

I'm SOOOOOOO glad I don't have kids!!!!!!!!

Hey!!

I don't either but here I am in this situation, you're not off the hook that easily mate!!

... but if my SO said a niece is going to come live with us I'd say NOPE!
I absolutely would end the relationship before I'd give in.

I DO wish you the best on all this though.
You're a mensch, and again, I'm a selfish A-hole.

I realize that someone has to populate the earth for tomorrow.

Thanks Kenny that means a lot in spite of my cranky reply to the kid, and you're not selfish at all. People have different priorities in life and that is fine. As you always say, people vary

And you'd be more than entitled to say that if it ever were to happen. For us, the situation was a mess for SIL as she was homeless for a month due to MIL's actions (I won't go into that, it's a bigger story on it's own) so I felt obliged to take her in as she had nowhere to go.
I'm either overly-silly or overly-protective, I can't figure it out

 

[kenny]

I realize this makes me an @sshole, but I have to say it.

I'm SOOOOOOO glad I don't have kids!!!!!!!!

Hey!!

I don't either but here I am in this situation, you're not off the hook that easily mate!!

... but if my SO said a niece is going to come live with us I'd say NOPE!
I absolutely would end the relationship before I'd give in.

I DO wish you the best on all this though.
You're a mensch, and again, I'm a selfish A-hole.

I realize that someone has to populate the earth for tomorrow.

Thanks Kenny that means a lot in spite of my cranky reply to the kid, and you're not selfish at all. People have different priorities in life and that is fine. As you always say, people vary

And you'd be more than entitled to say that if it ever were to happen. For us, the situation was a mess for SIL as she was homeless for a month due to MIL's actions (I won't go into that, it's a bigger story on it's own) so I felt obliged to take her in as she had nowhere to go.
I'm either overly-silly or overly-protective, I can't figure it out

You are kind and selfless. Evidence: You felt obliged.
I'm selfish: Evidence: I would not have felt obliged.

When this is resolved I hope it is the last of such events with your guest.
I'd be sure to let her know this cannot become a pattern, so she should associate with good people and filter out the bad ones ... and your hospitality depends on it.

 

[jordyonbass]

I realize this makes me an @sshole, but I have to say it.

I'm SOOOOOOO glad I don't have kids!!!!!!!!

Hey!!

I don't either but here I am in this situation, you're not off the hook that easily mate!!

... but if my SO said a niece is going to come live with us I'd say NOPE!
I absolutely would end the relationship before I'd give in.

I DO wish you the best on all this though.
You're a mensch, and again, I'm a selfish A-hole.

I realize that someone has to populate the earth for tomorrow.

Thanks Kenny that means a lot in spite of my cranky reply to the kid, and you're not selfish at all. People have different priorities in life and that is fine. As you always say, people vary

And you'd be more than entitled to say that if it ever were to happen. For us, the situation was a mess for SIL as she was homeless for a month due to MIL's actions (I won't go into that, it's a bigger story on it's own) so I felt obliged to take her in as she had nowhere to go.
I'm either overly-silly or overly-protective, I can't figure it out

You are kind and selfless. Evidence: You felt obliged.
I'm selfish: Evidence: I would not have felt obliged.

When this is resolved I hope it is the last of such events with your guest.
I'd be sure to let her know this cannot become a pattern, so she should associate with good people and filter out the bad ones.

Thanks again mate

And I did have a chat to her this morning, she's insisted she has learned her lesson on what signs people give and when to avoid them. She told me a bit about this girl and I was quite shocked and she is actually a little embarrassed for having associated with this girl now, if I have to credit our relationship it's that she will quite often come to me first with problems or questions nowadays whereas my wife/her older sister was always the first person she used to turn to. She's a good kid, but like any kid she can do silly things sometimes. I was more than guilty of that when I was her age so how can I be upset with her for that? I'd be a giant hypocrite

 

[kenny]

Jordy, you're a good guy.
She's lucky you are there for her.

 

[arkieb1]

I hope you either called or contacted the mother of the other girl. If it had of been me I'm a bit Rambo and tend to lose my shit when it comes to protecting my own kid, so I would have taken a screen pic of the message, then sent it either via Facebook or via text to the other girls mother/parents and said did you know that your daughter is threatening your wife's sister and if she does it again you are going to take a screenshot of those threats down to the police station and file a complaint.

I was also a high school teacher here for a number of years. Some of these brats think it's O.K to harass and bully other people, to the point where they intentionally pile on enough negativity to make some of these kids commit suicide or get other kids to engage in acts of violence or mass harassment against one individual, which is totally unacceptable. I do agree with Astonie and the others you should not text or talk to the girl herself in case she claims you are harassing her, instead take copies of everything and take it up with her parents and if they prove to be deadbeats and won't at least agree to talk to their own daughter about it, then file a complaint with the police and let the girl's parents know that you did.

 

[jordyonbass]

I hope you either called or contacted the mother of the other girl. If it had of been me I'm a bit Rambo and tend to lose my shit when it comes to protecting my own kid, so I would have taken a screen pic of the message, then sent it either via Facebook or via text to the other girls mother/parents and said did you know that your daughter is threatening your wife's sister and if she does it again you are going to take a screenshot of those threats down to the police station and file a complaint.

I was also a high school teacher here for a number of years. Some of these brats think it's O.K to harass and bully other people, to the point where they intentionally pile on enough negativity to make some of these kids commit suicide or get other kids to engage in acts of violence or mass harassment against one individual, which is totally unacceptable. I do agree with Astonie and the others you should not text or talk to the girl herself in case she claims you are harassing her, instead take copies of everything and take it up with her parents and if they prove to be deadbeats and won't at least agree to talk to their own daughter about it, then file a complaint with the police and let the girl's parents know that you did.

Ahahaha we both have that Rambo instinct I think!!

We have tried to get in contact with her mother but her phone has been switched off, SIL thinks the other girl may have snatched her mother's phone but obviously she is speculating on that. We are going to try again later tonight and if we get no answer then we are going to see what SIL wants us to do.

EDIT: Literally just got off the phone with the other girl's mother. She initially got defensive over her daughter and the situation but when I said that wasn't the issue and the issue is it being inappropriate for me to have been contacted the way I was, she agreed and said she will handle it from here. Looks like things are resolved now but who knows, I am learning teenage girls are beyond a handful!

 

[LLJsmom]

Jordy, sorry you are involved with this mess.

From the parent of two kids. One a teen and one almost.
My first thought, you're a grown man. DO NOT TEXT AN UNDERAGED GIRL. Nothing good can come from it. I'm thinking about you protecting yourself. You need to find a way so that she cannot text you. Too much can be pinned on you in either scenario. If you communicate with any female, have your wife present. It's not about your SIL social life. If things go south, you never know what you may blamed with. As to specifics with what you should do, I refer to AZstonie's response. These are unpredictable and emotional and not necessarily mature people you are dealing with now.

 

[missy]

Hang in there Jordy! You are doing pretty great IMO. Sure you will have stumbles and learning curves along the way but I have a feeling you will get the hang of this teenager stuff quickly. I think you are a fast learner. Remember, don't be too hard on yourself and you are doing the best you can and it will all turn out OK. The fact that you have such a good relationship with your SIL speaks volumes. Hugs and good luck.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

There are a couple of things I think you did right. When the girl texted you at that hour your response was instinctive and an immediate response was needed, which you did. To wait, would be a passive move, and that episode required a response. By responding, you have let your young SIL know you are there for her. Young people need to know they have people who will defend them. You have made your SIL feel safer with you. And, even though I don't like saying this, the fact that a man did it, is better.

Yes, of course teens are manipulators. Be wary, and I do agree that one on one with young females is not a good idea. You'll learn when to say to your SIL, "you must fight your own battles, until you see its moving in the wrong direction, then come to me".

You are just what the Doctor ordered. Keep up the good work!.

Annette

 

[jordyonbass]

Thank you Missy and Annette! I suppose it's good practice for when I have kids, something the other girl's mother and I laughed about over the phone yesterday when we were discussing what happened. She was insistent on not having girls
And Annette, fighting her own battles is exactly what I expect and she has had some lately with family as well which I have felt has been extremely unfair on her since she is still a minor. She knows that if she is ever overwhelmed that I am standing right there with her and will fight for her when she can no longer. I have always told her that if anyone wants to hurt her then they have to try to go through me first.

LLJsmom, with hindsight now being 20-20 I completely agree with you, I think the main reason I replied was because I was cranky about being woken up the way I was and not thinking clearly at all. As I have mentioned many times here, I am not a parent and have kinda been thrown in the deep end with looking after a teenage girl. It's all a steep learning curve!!

 

[jordyonbass]

Kenny,

I might be a mensch as you mentioned but wisdom and clarity of vision may be something that I need to work on a little more. It's over, she has gone to live with her mother after we discovered that she decided to go on an $1100 shopping spree with our money.
Disappointed doesn't quite cover it

 

[kenny]

Aw Man!
SOOOO sorry!

Live and learn.

Maybe you shouldn't invite all us PSychos to stay at your house.

 

[Scandinavian]

Kenny,

I might be a mensch as you mentioned but wisdom and clarity of vision may be something that I need to work on a little more. It's over, she has gone to live with her mother after we discovered that she decided to go on an $1100 shopping spree with our money.
Disappointed doesn't quite cover it

Oh no... She should try to get a job and pay you back !! Might be a cry for attention, but still..